By: Uncle Hardass, Grumpy Old Man Correspondent
Hello Degenerate 3.5 Readers.
Still working on your precious writing careers I see.
Hey I just thought of an idea for a novel.
Its about a bunch of Internet bloggers who sit around and try to become writers all day. Then one of them gets a job at the salt mines. The end.
That’s right. Pure fiction all the way.
Anyway, allow me to bend your ear about the dumbest question in the entire language.
It’s not so much as a question as a response. People use it all the time and if you use it on me it will really frost my ass.
So, suppose I’m digging around in the fridge in search of a nice gallon of moo juice to poor on my doctor approved raisin bran.
I can’t find any so I say:
“We’re out of milk.”
Do you know what my wife, BQB’s Aunt Gertie, would always say in response?
“What do you mean we’re out of milk?”
Hello. Did I not just speak in clear, concise English? Were my words garbled?
Did a damn wizard cast a spell on me when I wasn’t looking and force me to speak in Mandarin?
Look, I’m not exactly a distinguished Professor of English at Oxford University, but I’m pretty sure that the sentence, “We are out of milk” is universally understood to mean any of the following:
- There is no milk.
- Our supply of milk is non-existent.
- The container of milk has no milk inside of it.
- We are no longer proud owners of milk.
- Grab a cow and squeeze one of its titties into this damn milk jug so I don’t have to eat my raisin bran dry for crying out loud.
Oh God. People use that response all the time. It’s just nonsensical throat clearing is what it is.
People’s brains don’t work so they need something to say to stall while the hamster in their heads start running around on the gears.
Happens to me all the time. And Gertie is not the only culprit either.
Perhaps you people have even experienced this phenomenon in your stupid miserable lives.
Let me walk you through the appropriate responses to give in a few scenarios.
WIFE: The sink is broken.
HUSBAND: What do you mean, “the sink is broken?”
Ahh, now some of you dopes are thinking that the husband here is just asking for clarity. He wants to know the exact nature of the problem. Is the sink clogged? Is the water too hot? What?
Well, perhaps that is understandable, but consider this. The appropriate response would be:
HUSBAND: Please clarify the exact nature of the sink’s broken state.
But, since the husband asked, “What do you mean, ‘the sink is broken?’ then in my book, the wife is perfectly within her rights to respond:
WIFE: I mean there’s no f%&king water coming out of it, you asshole! What the f%&k do you think it means?
Perfectly reasonable response. Uncle Hardass, making marriages stronger since I began my column right here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.
Let’s be honest. My columns are the best thing this dumb blog has going for it.
Moving on, what about this exchange between you and your boss?
BOSS: Did you finish going over the Drexler report yet?
YOU: No, sorry. I didn’t have time.
BOSS: What do you mean, you “didn’t have time?”
Again, the boss should have responded:
BOSS: Please list the other activities you engaged in that kept you from completing your review of the aforementioned file.
But he didn’t say that. He used that loathsome “What do you mean” response.
Ergo, you, as an employee are within you rights to respond as inappropriately as possible.
I suggest going out of your way to be a sarcastic jackass.
YOU: Hmm. I wonder what I meant when I said, “I didn’t have time.” I suppose that most people with a high school education understand the concept that there is a finite amount of time in a work day and if I noted that I did not have the time, that must mean that I was unable to find the time necessary to review the file.
I suppose there could be some alternative meaning in an alternate dimension in which English words are understood differently. Perhaps in another world “I didn’t have time” is understood to mean, “I rode a unicycle to Ted Danson’s house and then Ted and I went to the beach and drove around jet skis all day until we found and befriended a group of friendly dolphins. Now Ted and I and the dolphins solve crimes and fight evil together.”
Sir, I apologize if you are from an alternate dimension where “I did not have time” means something else, but here on Earth, it means, “I did not have time.”
Oh crap on a cracker. I was just handed a note and now I have to state that it is inadvisable to speak to your boss or your spouse or anyone really in any of the above mentioned ways and the Bookshelf Battle Blog can’t be held responsible if you do so.
Fine. You people do whatever you want.
Just remember when I tell you to get a job, and you respond, “What do you mean, ‘get a job’? I mean, “GET A JOB!!!”