Probably not the best stock photo, given that these people all seem to be observing movie theater etiquette…although that guy in the grey shirt with the soda may very well be dating both of those chicks.
Hello 3.5 readers.
For me, the theater is a sacred place.
You plunk down your cash. You cut yourself off from the world for two hours and you enjoy a director’s vision as it unfolds upon the big screen.
But there are some people who just don’t get it.
Thus, from BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Moviegoers I Can’t Stand:
10. The “What Have I Seen Him In?” Guy – This is the guy who demands that you tell him a) an actor’s name and b) a list of films the actor has been in.
Ignore this man at all costs as he’ll just insist on rehashing the actor’s entire resume while you’re missing out on what is happening on the screen. Or better yet, tell him to go out in the hall and look that shit up on IMDB. Either way, people are trying to watch a movie here.
9. Asshat McGee Who Sits Right Next to or Right in Front of You When the Entire Theater is Nearly Empty – Look, I know I shouldn’t do it, but if the theater is close to being empty, I like to stretch out and put my fat smelly feet on the back of the seat in front of me. Can’t do it if someone’s dumb head is there and I can’t come out and ask that person to move so I can put my feet up so please, be courteous and don’t sit in front of a person if you don’t have to.
(Should there be a #9.5 Annoying Guy Who Puts His Feet Up on the Seat in Front of Him? Absolutely.)
Further, don’t sit next to a person if you don’t have to. Keep at least one seat between you and another person if possible. If the theater’s packed then it is a different story but if it is empty, don’t sit next to me, unless you’re a super hot chick, then sit next to me.
8. Teenagers Who Have Conversations Throughout the Entire Movie – I get it. You all want to chat your dumb faces off and you want to be able to speak freely without being monitored by one of the parents of someone in your group, so instead of going to someone’s house, you go to the theater and then ignore the entire film and have a conversation right there in the theater.
Honest to God. I’m trying to watch Fast and Furious Part 950: Dom’s Revenge and all I can hear is “OMG I can’t believe Becky is dating Brian AND Bobby, Hashtag Skank!”
Thought – go to a coffee shop instead and talk all night there. Its cheaper and hardworking, taxpaying Americans won’t be mad at you that you’ve ruined their moviegoing experience.
Yes, I know I’m starting to sound like Uncle Hardass. This is inevitable.
The older we get, the more we all start sounding like critically acclaimed philosopher Uncle Hardass.
7. Guy That Blames You For Picking the Movie if it Turns Out to Be Stupid – Up your nose with a rubber hose, turkey face. Hollywood puts out like two damn movies every Friday. You’ve got a fifty/fifty shot that the movie you’re going to will either suck or blow.
In fact, you now have a one hundred percent chance that it will be a remake or a reboot of a movie that sucked and/or blowed in the past.
“I didn’t make the movie, ass face,” is a perfectly acceptable reply here, even if the person complaining is your husband, wife, child, second cousin twice removed, grandmother, or parish priest.
6. Dummy Who Takes Too Long Deciding What They Want at the Concession Stand – Popcorn, candy and soda, jerkwad. Literally the same shit for a hundred million years. That f%$king commercial where the popcorn, candy and soda dance the Charleston hasn’t changed since Eisenhower was president. If it was good enough for the man who stormed Omaha Beach, then its good enough for you, clown.
5. Jerkface Who Takes a Call During the Movie – Look, the point of going to the movies is to forget all your problems for two hours. But I get it. We all have lives. Keep your phone on vibrate just in case one of your loved ones gets in trouble. If they text you for help, you can text them back and write, “OK I will come rescue you after this movie is over.”
Really, its the only polite thing to do. If your spouse is hanging from one hand off a cliff, you’ve got to let them know that you need to find out whether or not the rebels will destroy the Death Star for the 10,000th time.
But, if you’re one of those do-gooders who thinks their friends and/or family is more important than a movie, then sure, by all means, get up, walk out of the theater, talk to this person on the phone in the hallway, then return to the theater when the conversation is done. Or even better, leave the theater entirely and come to the aid of your friend or family member.
And let’s be honest. Those people who take calls and start chatting away while the film is rolling? None of them are having important conversations. The people who do this are dopes who will sit there for two hours talking about nonsense while you’re trying to watch a movie.
4. The “What Did He Say?” Guy
Movies go by pretty fast. Sometimes someone in your movie going party doesn’t catch what one of the characters said.
My general rule – if you whisper to me, “What did he say?” I will whisper what the person said back to you one time.
If you miss it, do not waste your energy whispering to me with a request to repeat what the character said a second, third, or fourth time.
I’m sorry but you’re screwed. You missed it. Your movie going experience has been ruined. Don’t drag me down with you by making me tell you fifty times what a guy said twenty minutes ago, thus forcing me to miss twenty more minutes of screen time.
Really people, this is common sense.
3. The “Its Just the Previews” Guy
Eff that noise. Hollywood has carefully crafted a series of trailers to educate me on the films that are coming soon to a theater near me. Trailers are a time honored part of the movie going experience. Your talking, farting, burping or what have you ruins it for me. Take it outside.
I run a blog for 3.5 readers. Thus, I’m an important man who must budget his time wisely. Ergo, I must know what Hollywood has coming down the pike so I can relay that information to my beloved 3.5 readers.
I shouldn’t have to miss out on those previews just because you need to talk to your buddy on your cell phone about the tattoo you’re getting , or your comic book collection, or even when you need to tell your loved one to wait and be calm and you’ll be there to pull them out of the car wreck they just had as soon as possible. (Eh, I’m not a complete ogre, if you need to do that last one during the previews, I can let it slide, but really, only during the previews.)
2. Commentary Guy
This guy takes a number of forms. The person might start arguing with a character, or he might make sound effects. “Boo yeah! That guy got it! And he had it coming!” or “Damn girl, don’t go for that dude, you can do way better!”
If you want to commentate on movies, start your own blog and get your own 3.5 readers. Unless I’m one of your 3.5 readers, I don’t want to hear your commentary on movies while I am trying to watch one.
1.“Rude to the Minimum Wage Slaves” Guy
If you didn’t like the movie, or you had some kind of special request (i.e. the “I want three ice cubes in my soda and each cube must be carved to match the likeness of three U.S. presidents who held office during the 1800s”) give the staff a break. They work for peanuts and they usually take these jobs because they like the movies and want to be around them as much as you do, you big dummy.
RUNNER UP:
Dude Trying to Get to Second Base and Can’t Quite Make It – Sir, your incompetence with the fairer sex is ruining my cinematic experience. Either be a dog and go in for that hooter or be a gentleman and keep your hand on your own knee. Make a decision for crying out loud.
Either way, this constant hand flapping around in the breeze “should I or shouldn’t I?” thing that you’re doing is very annoying. Really, this is a theater, not a bordello sir, so get a room and stop annoying people who have paid their hard earned cash to enjoy this Kevin Hart film. We’re already suffering enough.
What things do people do at the movie theaters that you can’t stand, 3.5 readers?
Discuss with BQB in the comments!
Bookshelf Battle 
Ugh….I know and loathe all these people. Since I go to the movies theater all the time, I see these type of people almost everytime. Like today, I saw Kubo and the Two Strings (early showing like around 11 AM), the theater was mostly empty (only a few people there) and someone sits right behind me. Really! There’s like a hundred other available seats and you choose the one right behind me.
Hmm…well now I’d just be worrying that they’re planning to perform unnecessary surgery on my brain via the back of my head while I’m too busy watching the movie.
In theory, you could get up, take a cursory trip to the bathroom or concession stand or just wait in the hall to pretend as if you did so, then return to anywhere else in the theater. If called out on it, you don’t have to answer though I suppose you could be all like, “Oh sorry I just went to pee and get skittles and then I didn’t remember where I sat so I sat any old place.”
Personally, I wouldn’t get into that much detail because #America
At any rate, if you do move seats and they again move behind you, then they are most likely trying to perform surgery on your brain.
Haha…oh don’t worry. I did. I got up, went to the bathroom, and then came back into theater and moved to a different seat. As for perform brain surgery…haha…who knows…your probably right.
Such great points here!
I thought I knew about all the annoying movie-goer habits but, the last time I went to the movie someone actually was drinking alcohol! This wouldn’t have been a problem except for the smell and how he increasingly became drunk and more annoying… So, so annoying.
In theory, if a person could sneak in a drink without bothering me I wouldn’t have a problem, provided they don’t drive until they’re sober and don’t act like a jerkface. It did not sound like this dude was able to do that.
The theater, more so these days, really is for the film buff who wants to see the film on the big screen.
If you want to drink, talk, or be obnoxious, there are many opportunities to watch movies at home.
You’ve pretty much named them all.
Yes…I have become an expert.
Don’t forget Seat Kickers, nervous/aggravating morons that can’t sit still behind you for 90 minutes. You don’t even have to take a phone call during the movie to be annoying, just switching a phone on in the dark lights up three rows around you. Nothing worse than seeing that light go on and off out of the corner of your eye five or six times during a movie. Ruins your viewing experience completely. Unless you’re the President, leave your phone off!
Oh those darn seat kickers.
I think I can add one to your excellent list, the guy who comes in late and wants you to move so he can sit with his girlfriend. I attending an opening night at a film festival recently, got in early cos I knew it would be packed, sat in my usual seat, about ten rows back, right in the middle. There’s a celeb in the movie and he’s in attendance so there’s a hubbub of forelock tuggin’ and posin’ going on outside, delaying the start by half an hour. I’m there one hour by now and as the place packs out the last remaining seats are on either side of me. Enter gobshite, stage right and girlfriend, stage left, and need I say more, the movie starts and gobshite asks me to swap seats. aaaarrrggghhhh.
Sir it would have been your God given right to tell them they have to sit on either side and cuddle around you had you so chosen though it is commendable that you were a good sport and moved
I chose the first option although I consider it a personal right, not God given. Y’see, I use a walking stick and don’t get around too fast so when I go to cinemas, I go early to save causing a disturbance for anyone else and so I can sit in the seat where I feel most comfortable and have a good view. So seriously, do you really believe I should allow someone else to discomfit me to accommodate them? Good sport is getting to the cinema on time and having some respect for others. He asked me quite loudly too and standing over me, crowding my space. When I stayed in my seat and said a simple, no, all the people around me starting clapping and jeered at him to sit down.
Depending on the movie, you also have ‘Taking Notes Guy So I can Blog About This on the Internet’ guy.
That’s me but I only take mental notes. Also, I hate “Oh I Read the Book and Let Me Tell You All the Ways the Book Differs from the Movie Because I Deserve a Gold Medal for Reading a Book” Guy.
Unfortunately, that’s probably me.
Well, you’re still a valuable member of the 3.5 readers society anyway.
Great post 🙂 Numbers 1,2,3 and the runner up is the most hilarious ones, but all of them are great 🙂 Speaking of talking during a movie, do you remember the television series Mystery Science Theater 3000 or that commentary series Rifftrax (involving the same people behind MST3k)? You would really love that 🙂 Anyway, keep up the great work as always 🙂
Yes I used to watch it. Loved the movie.
I’m a movie snob and will only go to Cinnebar if I can help it. They have huge leather captains chairs. They took out every other row to put in a bar table complete with a little button to call the waiter who will bring you REAL food and alcohol. Oh and their ticket prices are lower than all the other theaters locally. It really cuts down on a number of the sucky people you so eloquently described above.
What about a guy with an active power bank? The lights are so annoying.
Oh yeah, I think we’ve all bumped into these crazy people. One time I was watching a movie–only 4 people in the whole damn theater–and some bunghole in back starts smoking weed. I kept smelling it all the way where I was in the 5th row as he relit. I admit I narc’d on him and didn’t feel bad about it. News flash: theaters are made to make the sound the best possible, and also to make sure the smell of theater popcorn gets in every nose so they take out a second mortgage and get a jumbo bag during a “boring” part. That’s going to apply to whatever other smells are going through the theater. So of course me and somebody in the front row narc’d on him and he got thrown out halfway through.