#326 – A bee might give you honey, but you’ll have to put your hands on a disgusting bovine teat if you don’t want dry cereal.
#327 – I’ve never been to a place I’ve never been to.
#328 – If time travel is ever invented, I’d like to visit a Roman orgy. I don’t want to participate, but just watch, from inside a HAZMAT suit as I have to assume the bodily fluids will be flying around at a fast and furious pace.
#329 – Have you ever bought a panini press with the assumption that you’d eat delicious panini sandwiches every day, only to try it once, make something that does not appear edible, and then toss the machine in a drawer? Me neither. By the way, want to buy a panini press? It’s only been used once.
#330 – If I were a judge I’d wear two pairs of pants under my robe just to fight the rumor that all judges are totally nude under their robes.
#331 – Nobody knows what it’s like to be a sad man…except for other sad men.
#332 – The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain…and also on any other place, because it is freaking rain.
#333 – I need to draw up a plan on how to plan out my plans.
#334 – What do they call people from Barbados? Barbadoonians?
#335 – Socks are like gloves for your feet.
#336 – Gloves are like socks for your hands.
#337 – The best way to not be fat is to eat a balanced diet and exercise regularly. Also, traveling back in time and telling yourself to drop the pizza helps too.
#338 – I can’t help you if you won’t help yourself.
#339 – People are, for the most part, very dumb. I am the only smart person alive.
#340 – Elvis never died. He is my roommate. He bogarts the sour cream chips and never relinquishes the remote control. What a dick cheese burger.
#341 – A penny saved is a penny earned. A penny spent gets you nowhere.
#342 – I would like to participate in solving a hedge maze.
#343 – Why aren’t hardwood floors just called wooden floors? Who is the dummy installing softwood floors?
#344 – I wish that everyone would become more bipartisan. Also, I wish everyone would either agree with exactly everything I think or shut their stupid mouths.
#345 – Why can’t meatloaf be eaten for breakfast?
#346 – Serendipity is a fun word.
#347 – Cats are jerks.
#348 – Where does one apply to become a samurai?
#349 – Toaster pastries are the best.
#350 – Loose leaf paper is neither loose no made out of leaves. Discuss.