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Jan 17 2019
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Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century, Uncategorized

Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century – #451-475

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#451 – Why do boys get to do all the scouting?  Why isn’t there an organization for Man Scouts?  Look, nothing against boy scouts, but if I ever need some serious scouting to be done, I’m going to call on some grown ass men to do it.

#452 – If European, then I’mmapoopin.’

#453 – There are countless alternative versions of ourselves spread out across an infinite number of competing timelines.  Ergo, it stands to reason that someone, somewhere, found this book funny.

#454 – If the piano man has to sing us a song, does the singer man have to play the piano?

#455 – Who is the idiot choosing to use a sponge over paper towels?  Do you have any idea how many germs collect in sponges?  Yeah, I said it and I don’t care what the sponge industry thinks.

#456 – I need to clone myself so I have someone to talk to.  Another me is the only one who would ever understand me.

#457 – Groupthink is nothing to worry about.  At least, that’s what the members of my “Everyone in My Demographic/Age Range/Sex/Gender/Religion/Occupation Club/Geographic Location/Political Party Club” told me during our recent ice cream social.

#458 – Like a bear, I eat a lot out of concern I may not be able to find good food later.  Unlike a bear, I neglect to do the part where I just sleep through the entire winter and decline to eat anything.  In conclusion, I’m fatter than a bear and not as intelligent.

#459 – When it comes to bodily hygiene, I’m for it.

#460 – I told my doctor he’s a quack, but he called fowl.

#461 – Don’t patronize me unless I start a business.  Then patronize my business.

#462 – Frozen yogurt is just trans-ice cream.  Discuss.

#463 – So much ennui, so little time.

#464 – I didn’t enjoy my tour in Vietnam.  Remind me to fire my travel agent.

#465 – I’m such a Samantha.

#466 – I wish time had stopped forever in 1999.

#467 – I tried once. I didn’t enjoy it.

#468 – I’d like to become a falconer.  Does anyone know where I can find a reasonably priced falcon?

#469 – I don’t even know where to start.  Do you?

#470 – Vacations make me want to take a vacation.

#471 – I’m not made of musings, you know.

#472 – Will there ever be a rap version of Amazing Grace?

#473 – Donuts are neither dough nor nuts.  Discuss.

#474 – The waiting room is next to the doing room.

#475 – A stadium full of puppies would be adorable, but where would one acquire so many puppies?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Nov 19 2018
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Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century

Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century -#426-450

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#426 – I’d bang my head against the wall but I don’t like pain.

#427 – I once defeated a Bandersnatch with nothing but my pinky finger, a jar of cake batter and my brute strength.

#428 – I don’t watch television.  Television watches me.

#429 – Is it possible to hustle and bustle at the same time?

#430 – Why doesn’t anyone ever build a snow woman?  Is it because people are sexist or because tacking on a pair of snow boobs seems inappropriate? OK, but then you could decide your snow woman is flat chested, but do you want to resign your snow woman to that cruel fate?  Always being the last one invited to the snow person dance?  Right, but who are you to say that being a flat chested snow woman is a cruel fate?  Maybe the flat chested snow woman has a keen wit and a charming personality that more than makes up for…and, screw it.  Let’s just make a snow man.

#431 – Everyone likes eggs over easy.  No one likes eggs under hard.

#432 – I may or may not be a shaman.

#433 – Kale is not delicious but it is nutritious.

#434 – It is my life’s goal to date a bimbo.  I don’t know that I want to marry one, but I’d like to take one to a movie and to get a pint of rocky road ice cream with.  Basically, I would like to study bimbos in their natural habitat and report my findings to the masses.  Who am I kidding?  I am a man so I would probably marry one if given the opportunity and then she would take half the profits from my book publishing enterprise.  Joke’s on her because she’ll spend a lot on lawyer’s fees just to get fifty cents.

#435 – When there’s a knock on your door, it could be anyone from the police, to a murderer, to a neighbor looking to borrow a cup of sugar, to a friend bringing you a box of cookies to the love of your life who you are about to meet for the very first time.  Some visitors will make you regret opening the door.  Others will make you elated you opened the door.  Sadly, you’ll never know if opening the door was a good or bad idea until you open it.  Then again, you could always ask who is at the door, though keep in mind the person could always lie.

#436 – There is a skeleton in my closet.  His name is Fred.

#437 – It has been a long time since I went to a party that had a punch bowl.  Then again, it has been a long time since I’ve attended a party.  Come to think of it, have I ever been invited to a party? FML.

#438 –  I find these musings amusing.

#439 – If you always walk backwards, you’ll never move forwards…unless you move backward in the direction you wanted to go in the first place.

#440 – I wonder if there is an exact double of me out there somewhere.  Then again, there’s no way there could be two such sexy motherfuckers in this world.

#441 – I want to get out of town…or do I want the town to get out of me?

#442 – Watermelon is neither water nor a melon.  Discuss.

#443 – Ignorance is bliss.  If I could be 35% dumber, I’d be so much happier.

#444 – Waffles are better than pancakes.

#445 – I’ve never seen that Nutcracker play they are always putting on at Christmastime.  Ten years with my ex-wife was enough.

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Oct 12 2018
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Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century

Great Musings of The Twenty-First Century – 401 – 425

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#401 – When you want something to pour on your spaghetti, you can’t beat tomato sauce.

#402 – No one flambees anything anymore.

#403 – Help! I’m trapped in a metaphysical box and I can’t get out!

#404 – What time is it?

#405 – Yesterday may have happened yesterday, but today is happening right now.  How will you judge today’s actions when tomorrow arrives on time?

#406 – Do boomerangs really work?

#408 – Suffering is hard.

#409 – The cardinals never take my papal candidacy seriously.

#410 – Call me a bigot, but I’ll never support a marriage between a man, a woman, another man, another woman, a duck, a sheep, an alpaca, an emu, a bucket of rusty bolts, a cactus, three submarine sandwiches, a leopard, a door knob and a man named Oliver.  However, change just one of those variables and I’ll strongly consider supporting it.

#411 – The best day to fly a kite is a windy day.

#412 – Whenever I want to stop my car, I hit the brakes.

#413 – The path of least resistance offers the least resistance.  This is the best path to take.  You never hear anyone extolling the virtues of the path of most resistance, do you?

#414 – I haven’t cleaned out my desk drawers in awhile.

#415 –  Elderberries are neither old nor berries.  Discuss.

#416 – Activism sounds like a lot of work.

#417 – Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing.  However, when it is time to do something, then it is not advisable to do nothing.

#418 – Any day I don’t crap my pants is a good day.

#419 – Today’s planted seed is tomorrow’s oak tree.

#420 – You don’t meet many women named Virginia anymore.

#421 – I’ll become an astronaut once space flight is as easy as air travel. Until then, I don’t have the right stuff.

#422 – I have writer’s block.

#423 – The ocean is the wettest thing I’ve ever seen.

#424 – Is there anything better than a fresh sarsaparilla?

#425 – I enjoy good musical stylings.

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Oct 12 2018
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Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century

Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century – #376 – 400

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#376 – Existing isn’t the same as living.

#378 – Grapes are small pieces of fruit.

#379 – Physically, we aren’t able to see what is behind us.  Mentally, we are always looking at the past that’s unchangeable.

#380 – Birds of a feather flock together but kittens of a whisker don’t do much of anything interesting whatsoever.  Sorry I mentioned it.

#381 – Every lacrosse team has at least one Chad.

#382 – I don’t know who I am anymore.  I’m not sure I ever knew in the first place.

#383 – Stars are nature’s glitter.

#384 – One day I would like to learn judo.

#385 – I’d like to make a banjo with nothing but a cigar box, a broom handle, fifteen rubber bands and the assistance of a professional banjo maker.

#386 – I once was lost but now am found. I was in the last place I thought to look for myself.

#387 – Ducks love bread.

#388 – How fast is a light second?

#389 – The other day I was in the dairy aisle of my local grocery store. I picked up a product labeled, “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.” I set the container down and moved on.  Sorry, but if the manufacturer is unable to believe that the contents do not consist of butter then I don’t know why I’m supposed to.

#390 – I’m going to think of something ridiculously clever and insert it here later.

#391 – Broadband does not include broads and if it did, those broads would not join a band. Discuss.

#392 – Are mole people friendly?  I’m talking about people with moles on their faces, not the people who live underground.  We all know the latter are dicks.

#393 – I love my microwave.  Frankly, whenever I think about how I own a device that can harness the power of the atom just to cook my frozen pizza, I get a little hard.

#394 – If Frankenstein has sex with a lady werewolf, would their baby be a Frankenwolf or a Wolfenstein?  If it’s the last one, would they have to pay royalties to the people who made that video game?

#395 – I bought a dry erase board in the hopes that I would think of something clever to write on it.  My first note on it? “Remember to return dry erase board.”

#396 – Right now, at this very moment, two horny penguins in Antarctica are getting their fuck on.

#397 – Why are people always offering poisoned people antidotes? People, it’s not that hard. Just don’t drink dotes in the first place.

#398 – Whatever happened to Mario Van Peebles?

#399 – Is it a violation to use sidewalk chalk on driveways?

#400 – I’d eat cake at every meal if I could.

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Oct 08 2018
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Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century

Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century – #326-350

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#326 – A bee might give you honey, but you’ll have to put your hands on a disgusting bovine teat if you don’t want dry cereal.

#327 – I’ve never been to a place I’ve never been to.

#328 – If time travel is ever invented, I’d like to visit a Roman orgy.  I don’t want to participate, but just watch, from inside a HAZMAT suit as I have to assume the bodily fluids will be flying around at a fast and furious pace.

#329 – Have you ever bought a panini press with the assumption that you’d eat delicious panini sandwiches every day, only to try it once, make something that does not appear edible, and then toss the machine in a drawer?  Me neither.  By the way, want to buy a panini press?  It’s only been used once.

#330 – If I were a judge I’d wear two pairs of pants under my robe just to fight the rumor that all judges are totally nude under their robes.

#331 – Nobody knows what it’s like to be a sad man…except for other sad men.

#332 – The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain…and also on any other place, because it is freaking rain.

#333 – I need to draw up a plan on how to plan out my plans.

#334 – What do they call people from Barbados?  Barbadoonians?

#335 – Socks are like gloves for your feet.

#336 – Gloves are like socks for your hands.

#337 – The best way to not be fat is to eat a balanced diet and exercise regularly.  Also, traveling back in time and telling yourself to drop the pizza helps too.

#338 – I can’t help you if you won’t help yourself.

#339 – People are, for the most part, very dumb.  I am the only smart person alive.

#340 – Elvis never died.  He is my roommate.  He bogarts the sour cream chips and never relinquishes the remote control.  What a dick cheese burger.

#341 – A penny saved is a penny earned.  A penny spent gets you nowhere.

#342 – I would like to participate in solving a hedge maze.

#343 – Why aren’t hardwood floors just called wooden floors? Who is the dummy installing softwood floors?

#344 – I wish that everyone would become more bipartisan.  Also, I wish everyone would either agree with exactly everything I think or shut their stupid mouths.

#345 – Why can’t meatloaf be eaten for breakfast?

#346 – Serendipity is a fun word.

#347 – Cats are jerks.

#348 – Where does one apply to become a samurai?

#349 – Toaster pastries are the best.

#350 – Loose leaf paper is neither loose no made out of leaves. Discuss.

 

 

 

 

 

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May 22 2018
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Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century

Great Musings of the Twenty First Century – #301 – 325

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#301 – An item lost in dried cement can eventually be chiseled out, but it’s easier to pull it out before the cement hardens.

#302 – Boll weevils are neither bolls nor weevils.  Discuss.

#303 – I hope there’s not a cougar in my cupboard.

#304 – It saddens me that in all the time I spent trying to make a go of it in Hollywood, not a single executive made a pass at me.  It would have been unwelcomed, but still, it’s common courtesy.

#305 – I can never be sure if there’s a monster hiding under my bed unless I keep looking under my bed at all times.

#306 – The beautiful will never understand the plight of the ugly.

#307 – I’m not saying that Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were gay lovers.  It’s just that I can’t prove they weren’t.

#308 – Always pinch your produce before you buy it.

#309 – I’ve figured out a magnificent way to avoid sleeping outside when I travel: I stay in a hotel.

#310 – Elvis Presley’s greatest invention was the fried peanut butter and banana sandwich.  I prefer chunky peanut butter in mine.

#311 – Gray hair is a sign of experience…and also the loss of follicular pigmentation.

#312 – I’ll support raising the wage of fast food drive-thru workers to $15 on the day they get my order right.

#313 – Hijinx will get you nowhere.

#314 – Bacteria is never something you want present on top of your potatoes au gratin.

#315 – Fart in a can today and smell it tomorrow.

#316 – Deja vu is a freaky experience and by the way, deja vu is a freaky experience.

#317 – Madame, I’ll have you know I’m in the CIA – the Clitoral Investigation Agency.  Our motto: “We’ll find it sooner or later.”

#318 – Sure, you think its adorable when dolphins make all those little squeaky sounds, but keep in mind that the squeaks translate into a trail of obscenities that would make the most boorish longshoreman blush.

#319 – I will go to my grave thinking this thought: anyone who rides a rollercoaster and enjoys it is a total asshole.

#320 – Sugar is the best way I know to sweeten my coffee.

#321 – Eagle sex is  simultaneously the most disgusting yet exceptionally patriotic act you’ll ever witness.

#322 – Glory is the best reason to do something.

#323 – Abraham Lincoln earned his spot on the penny.

#324 – Dish rags can clean a dish, but what cleans the dish rag?

#325 – Adventure: it’s what’s for breakfast.

 

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May 21 2018
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Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century

Great Musings of the Twentieth Century – #276 – 300

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#276 – Never cross a ninja on an empty stomach.

#277 – I’m not highly opinionated, it’s just that what I think is accurate and what others think is idiotic.

#278 – Speedos are all the rage on the beaches of Monte Carlo.

#279 – My business associates at the important meeting were surprised to see my underwear in my briefcase, but if it’s called a “briefcase” then I can’t think of a better place to put my soiled undies.

#280 – Chalk can be used to make a lot of marks on a chalk board, but no matter how hard you try to erase your words, a little bit of them will always remain.

#281 – I’ve always wanted to try jerk chicken but I’ve never had a desire to get that intimate with poultry.

#282 – Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen, except for other people who can be categorized according to my socioeconomic profile.

#283 – Clouds of dust make me wheeze.

#284 –  Ugly people are the best lovers.  They appreciate it more.

#285 – Cacti and porcupines are fun to have around until they become big pricks.

#286 – Crabs will never make good guests, whether on the beach or in the pants.

#287 – “Die Hard” will always be my favorite Christmas movie.

#288 – Geniuses are often maligned in life, only to be pined for in death.

#289 – Never get involved in a caper.

#290 – Has anyone ever actually cried a river?  What do you think made that person so sad in the first place?

#291 – Do caught fish feel like they’re being abducted by aliens when they are pulled out of water?  “I was eating a worm for lunch and next thing I know, I’m being pulled towards the light…”

#292 – My next car is going to be one of those bridge layer trucks used by the army to create bridges whenever they need one.  That way, whenever I drive to a canyon, I can just create my own bridge.

#293 – If you throw the object of your affection into the trash can by mistake, it’s not truly gone until it’s carted off to the dump.

#294 – Explosions in buildings = bad.  Explosions in my pants = a good time.

#295 – Tuesday is one day after Monday but also one day before Wednesday.

#296 – One time I ate a sandwich on the B-train.  That’s right.  I ate Subway on the subway.

#297 – You’ve heard of hard drives?  I’ve invented the world’s first soft drive.  It starts out the same as a hard drive, but then it is forced to watch Bea Arthur’s long lost sex tape on a continuous loop for three hours.

#298 – I could go for a good can of Diet Shasta Orange right about now.

#299 – If I had a nickel for every time someone gave me a nickel, I’d have very few nickels, because it’s not like there are many people running around, handing out free nickels these days.

#300 – I want to get one of those strings that people tie to the back of their glasses.  That way, I would never lose my glasses.

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May 20 2018
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Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century

Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century – #251-275

And now, Bookshelf Q. Battler, one of the greatest minds of the Twenty-First Century (but hey, the century is still young) will share his great musings…

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#251 – Sundays are for sleeping in.

#252 – He who stands out in the rain without an umbrella is likely to end up all wet.

#253 – Col. Mustard is guilty of all “Clue” related crimes.

#254 – I’ve never seen a geyser.

#255 – All the hot older female celebrities I used to jerk off to in the 1990s have AARP cards now.  Eat a dick, time.

#256 – “Rutabaga” is fun to say.

#257 – Chivalry may not be dead, but it’s on life support.

#258 – It’s been awhile since I’ve taken part in tomfoolery.

#259 – Sigh.  Whenever I fly, I’m inevitably stuck between a fat man and a crying baby.  Just once, I’d like to be stuck between a fat baby and a crying man.

#260 – I wonder if Zeus is still around.  Wait, what’s that thundering sound?

#261 – I put my pants on the same way as anybody else:  two legs at a time after I jump off a trampoline and land a perfect dismount into them.

#262 – There goes the neighborhood.

#263 – End the drug war today and let big box stores sell crack already.

#264 – Thanksgiving must be an interesting time at the Fett household.

#265 – Show me a man who writes “Firefly” fan fiction and I’ll show you a man who can make a vagina drier than the Mojave.

#266 – I wonder what my old baseball cards are worth today.

#267 – I’ve never made love in an elevator.

#268 – Most foods are improved with a little sprinkle of parmesan cheese.

#269 – No one wears spurs anymore.

#270 – If asked by the local sheriff, I feel like it would be hard to turn down a request to join a posse.

#271 – I don’t need to be told how to get to Sesame Street.  I have a navigation app on my phone, thank you.

#272 – Skydiving will never be my bag.

#273 – I could go for a good episode of “NCIS” and a bowl full of cherries doused in a heaping helping of whipped cream right about now.

#274 – The first draft of the Declaration of Independence begins, “Yo, King, slurp on our big, fat, hairy colonial…”  Well, it stops there.  Assumably, Jefferson started over after that.

#275 – If “oranges” are orange, why aren’t grapes, “purples?”

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May 19 2018
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Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century

Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century- #225 – #250

And now, Bookshelf Q. Battler, one of the greatest minds of the Twenty-First Century (but hey, the century is still young) will share his great musings…

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#225 – Politeness should come back in style.

#226 – Kung-fu should be a mandatory high school class.

#227 – Is this all just an elaborate attempt to make fun of Larry King?

#228 – Once you have squeezed a pair of DD’s, it’s hard to go smaller.

#229 – Napkins are fancy paper towels.

#230 – I’m going to change for the better…tomorrow.

#231 – Pumpkins are delicious all year long, not just October.

#232 – I should be nicer and count my blessings.

#233 – I bet you $100 I can quit gambling anytime I want.

#235 – I like the smell of my own farts.  I would spend all day in my own personal fart cloud if I could.

#236 – Firecrackers are just explosive devices on a smaller scale.

#237 – Does God ever pray to himself?

#238 – Squash is the only vegetable with a name that tells you how to prepare it.

#239 – Despite what the song says, it is impossible to walk on sunshine.  Anyone who tries to walk on the sun would burn up.  No one could ever get close enough to even try.

#240 – The word “moist” turns vaginas dry.

#241 – Memories are like the mind’s reruns.

#242 – Never befriend a shark.

#243 – I wonder if anyone has ever glued their nads to their leg before.  In the entire history of glue, surely it has happened once.  Why the alleged nad gluer put glue on his nads is anyone’s guess.

#244 – I miss rotary phones.  Old fashioned?  Yes, but no one was ever butt dialed with a rotary phone.

#245 – I’ve never seen the inside of my own butt so I can’t confirm its existence.

#246 – Leprosy is not a good time.

#247 – Oh boy.  Another superhero movie.

#248 – Change the subject and change your mind.

#249 – Any reality TV show camera crew that follows me around all day would be very bored.

#250 – No one carries handkerchiefs anymore and they should.  It’s sad.  People of the past cared a lot more about booger control than people of today do.

 

 

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May 18 2018
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Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century

Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century – #201-225

And now, Bookshelf Q. Battler, one of the greatest minds of the Twenty-First Century (but hey, the century is still young) will share his great musings…

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#201 – I wrote a whole slate of musings to put into this post and then I clicked the screen off by accident and they are gone forever…or are they?  They probably are.  I don’t think they are coming back.

#202 – Carrier pigeon is an efficient way to send a letter.

#203 – Yogurt looks like semen but tastes better, I assume.  Please note that I said, “I assume.”

#204 – I could go for a nice bowl of soup.

#205 – An unrowed boat will never go ashore.

#206 – Fish are nice pets, but it’s not a good idea to pet them.

#207 – Cheese can be grilled but it doesn’t boil well.

#208 – If it were possible to run around the world fast enough, you might, for a split second, catch a glimpse of your own ass as it runs away, visible to you as you round the bend and finish your global circumnavigation.

#209 – Beers sure can get you drunk if you guzzle enough of them.

#210 – Whenever you see a labradoodle, assume it’s the product of Labrador retriever on poodle fucking.

#211 – Wombats are neither bats nor woms.  Discuss.

#212 – Weeds are the douchebags of the garden.

#213 – It saddens me that saying, “Hey baby, nice dumper!” has gone from being considered a pleasant compliment to a rude, inappropriate statement.  What has the world come to?

#214 – When you need to chew something, you can’t go wrong with gum.

#215 – Coins are outdated.

#216 – I’m thinking about becoming a Navy Seal.  I can slap my fins together, but catching an uncooked fish in my mouth will take some doing.  That’s the kind of seal the Navy is looking for, right?

#217 – Ties are weird.  Who decided a long piece of cloth hanging down from a man’s neck is necessary?

#218 – Heists would be fun if they weren’t illegal or dangerous.

#219 – Whenever I’m at the end of my rope, I find more slack.

#220 – Barbecue sauce is the best of all sauces.

#221 – It’s a shame that bears look so huggable, and yet hugging them is such a bad idea.  What a waste.

#222 – What is foo and why do the Foo Fighters fight it?

#223 – How old do cowboys have to get before they become cowmen?

#224 – Between bacon and sausage, bacon is the superior breakfast meat.

#225 – A straw is the best way to get liquid into your mouth without having to touch your lips to the container holding the liquid in question.

 

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