#426 – I’d bang my head against the wall but I don’t like pain.
#427 – I once defeated a Bandersnatch with nothing but my pinky finger, a jar of cake batter and my brute strength.
#428 – I don’t watch television. Television watches me.
#429 – Is it possible to hustle and bustle at the same time?
#430 – Why doesn’t anyone ever build a snow woman? Is it because people are sexist or because tacking on a pair of snow boobs seems inappropriate? OK, but then you could decide your snow woman is flat chested, but do you want to resign your snow woman to that cruel fate? Always being the last one invited to the snow person dance? Right, but who are you to say that being a flat chested snow woman is a cruel fate? Maybe the flat chested snow woman has a keen wit and a charming personality that more than makes up for…and, screw it. Let’s just make a snow man.
#431 – Everyone likes eggs over easy. No one likes eggs under hard.
#432 – I may or may not be a shaman.
#433 – Kale is not delicious but it is nutritious.
#434 – It is my life’s goal to date a bimbo. I don’t know that I want to marry one, but I’d like to take one to a movie and to get a pint of rocky road ice cream with. Basically, I would like to study bimbos in their natural habitat and report my findings to the masses. Who am I kidding? I am a man so I would probably marry one if given the opportunity and then she would take half the profits from my book publishing enterprise. Joke’s on her because she’ll spend a lot on lawyer’s fees just to get fifty cents.
#435 – When there’s a knock on your door, it could be anyone from the police, to a murderer, to a neighbor looking to borrow a cup of sugar, to a friend bringing you a box of cookies to the love of your life who you are about to meet for the very first time. Some visitors will make you regret opening the door. Others will make you elated you opened the door. Sadly, you’ll never know if opening the door was a good or bad idea until you open it. Then again, you could always ask who is at the door, though keep in mind the person could always lie.
#436 – There is a skeleton in my closet. His name is Fred.
#437 – It has been a long time since I went to a party that had a punch bowl. Then again, it has been a long time since I’ve attended a party. Come to think of it, have I ever been invited to a party? FML.
#438 – I find these musings amusing.
#439 – If you always walk backwards, you’ll never move forwards…unless you move backward in the direction you wanted to go in the first place.
#440 – I wonder if there is an exact double of me out there somewhere. Then again, there’s no way there could be two such sexy motherfuckers in this world.
#441 – I want to get out of town…or do I want the town to get out of me?
#442 – Watermelon is neither water nor a melon. Discuss.
#443 – Ignorance is bliss. If I could be 35% dumber, I’d be so much happier.
#444 – Waffles are better than pancakes.
#445 – I’ve never seen that Nutcracker play they are always putting on at Christmastime. Ten years with my ex-wife was enough.