Tag Archives: burt reynolds

BQB’s Classic Movie Reviews – Deliverance (1972)

Grab your banjo and hide your butts, 3.5 readers.

BQB here with a review of Burt Reynolds’ most critically acclaimed drama (as opposed to his many car chase movies), Deliverance.

It’s every straight man’s worst nightmare – getting forcibly butt blasted against his well by a pair of drunken redneck perverts.

Yes indeed, Hollywood has created a number of monsters over the years.  However, if you’re a straight, red blooded American male who dreams of titties and vag 24/7, the scariest, most unimaginable nightmare you can possibly think of is to be forced to “squeal like a pig” as what happened to Ned Beatty in a scene that is, frankly, hard to watch.  Honestly, you might want to fast forward through it.  I watched this movie years ago and would watch it again but for that scene that I never want to see again.

Four friends and city slickers (Burt Reynolds, Jon Voigt, Ronny Cox and Ned Beatty) go on a canoe trip to explore the great outdoors.  When they reach town, they have a banjo duel with a creepy local boy, setting the eerie tone of what is about to transpire.

At first, it’s fun.  Beer, canoeing and fishing.  Burt’s character, Lewis, is actually an experienced outdoorsman who carries the rest of the crew on his back and his scenes where he shoots bad dudes with his bow and arrow are iconic.

Long story short, one canoe gets lost.  Ned and Jon are accosted by dirty mountain man perverts who attack Ned’s tucas while Jon is forced to watch.  Lewis saves the day by shooting one of the rapists in the heart with an arrow.

Alas, the other perv escapes and stocksthe rest of the canoers as they try to make it down the river to civilization.  Ergo, the city slickers must band together to protect their lives and more importantly, their butts.  Yes.  These are manly men who will fight to the death to protect their butts from illicit invasions.

I doubt Hollywood would make this movie today.  First, it implies the South is an awful place….eh, that’s probably a debate for another post, though Hollywood has never been shy about dumping on the South.  But the main reason they wouldn’t make it again is because they’d be afraid people would assume that all homosexuals are looking to rape straight men’s butts which really is far from the truth.  Just because these particular homosexuals were butt attackers doesn’t mean all are and surely audiences can be trusted to direct their disdain at these two outliers who deviated from the field containing the vast majority of homosexuals who only engage in consensual butt related activities.

Anyway, it’s a loaded subject matter.  No, straight dudes shouldn’t fear gay dudes.  But yes, straight dudes are going to fight like hell to protect their butts when in the presence of the very occasional, not representative of the norm, gay rapist because to a straight man, getting your butt invaded by another dude is a fate worse than death.

Hollywood, if they were to remake it today, would probably have Ned Beatty’s character be scared of butt activity only for him to decide he quite enjoys it and then he celebrates the butt invasion and then he moves to the country and opens up a bed and breakfast with his attackers.

Not gonna lie.  Even by 1970s standards, the film’s a little freaky.  They probably could have just made the rednecks a couple of crazed, homicidal murderers who like to kill people and the audience would have been given the requisite sense of dread without adding the butt attack scene which really, you’ll feel like you have to bleach your brain just to forget that terrible, terrible scene.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy, but I’ll never watch it again.  Cool as Burt is with his bow and arrow, I just can’t watch Ned get butt attacked again.  Frankly, Ned should have gotten an Academy Award just for having the courage to play, as far as I know, the first male on male rape victim caught on film.  That’s some shit that even Daniel Day Lewis won’t do.

Advertisements
Tagged , , ,

BQB’s Classic Movie Reviews – Smokey and the Bandit (1977)

Howdy, 3.5 readers, y’all got your ears on?

BQB here with a review of Burt Reynolds’ greatest movie.

It’s the late 1970s.  The Bandit (Reynolds) is a notorious driver, known along the open road by truckers as an awesome dude.

The fabulously wealthy (and eccentric) father/son duo, Big and Little Enos get their kicks off of betting drivers that they won’t be able to transport booze across state lines within a certain time period.  Although alcohol is legal, transporting it in large quantities across state lines without the proper permits is considered illegal bootlegging.

Bandit takes the bet, agreeing to move 400 cases of Coors from Texas to Georgia within 28 hours.  He runs blocker car in a badass Trans-Am, while his buddy, Cledus (Jerry Reed) drives the rig full of beer with his hound dog Fred in the passenger seat.

Along the way, Bandit picks-up hitchhiker Carrie (Sally Field), and this infuriates Texas Sheriff Buford T. Justice (Jackie Gleason aka the Smokey) as Carrie was about to marry his son until she got cold feet and ran.

It’s obvious that Gleason loved playing this character.  Outside of playing bus driver Ralph on “The Honeymooners” this role is the one other role that he’ll be remembered for.  Buford’s character essentially invented the movie stereotype of the fat Southern Sheriff who thinks a little too highly of himself and lives to persecute unsuspecting motorists….except in this instance, Bandit probably deserves it yet you root for him anyway.

The movie is essentially a series of skits and stunts strung together as drivers throughout the country get on their CB radios to cheer Bandit on and pull of schemes to get in Justice’s way so its smooth sailing for Bandit.  There’s one cool scene in which a series of rigs coordinate to hide Bandit from the Smokey.

Anyway…it’s cool.  It’s funny.  And Burt was allowed to play Bandit as a man…a manly man…a dude who likes beer and fast cars and he doesn’t get the girl by crying or being a metrosexual or sharing his feelings.  He gets her by being a manly mustache wearing stud who occasionally offers a witty remark or funny one liner.

God, I hope Hollywood never remakes this.  They’ll probably make a female Bandit or something.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

Tagged , , , ,

Burt Reynolds Retrospective

Burt_Reynolds_1991_portrait_crop

“What I wouldn’t have given to smell his finger.” – Noted Blogger Bookshelf Q. Battler on the crushing loss of the notorious ladies’ man, Burt Reynolds.

Hey 3.5 readers.

As all 3.5 of you know, I am in a funk most of the time.  But one of the things that legitimately has me bummed lately is the death of noted tough guy actor and legendary poonsmith Burt Reynolds, tragically dead too young at the age of 81.  Oh, what more great movies he could have made.  Oh, what more foxy ladies he could have pleasured.  Why God, why?  Surely he deserved to live to be 100.

Now, I don’t know the exact figures, but here are some rough estimates of some BR related figures:

Number of Ladies He Pleasured: 9,091 (that’s just with his mustache when he gave free stache rides.  Most mathematicians are in agreement that the amount of vag he got busy with is incalculable by modern metrics.)

Number of Honest to God Legit Roles That Could Have Gotten Him An Oscar That He Turned Down to Do More Car Race Movies – 10,025.  Well, probably not that many.  OK, that’s a little high.  I only know of one.  He turned down the Jack Nicholson role to do “Stroker Ace” about a NASCAR driver and Jack went on to win the Oscar but damn it, Burt loved him some car chase movies.

Number of Car Chase Movies He Made – Roughly 40 million.

Anyway, like most artists, you don’t realize what you had until it’s gone and damn it, Burt was a macho, manly son of a bitch that you just don’t see around anymore, thank you, feminists.  Thanks a lot.  Shit. I’m going to grow out a feather duster on my lip right now in protest of Amazonian masterhood.

Whenever I get a chance, I’m going to wow you with some Burt posts and when I have some free time to relax, I’m going to watch some of Burt’s greatest hits and review them for you, because, and listen men, I really men this, we have got to get our balls out of the mason jars that the womenfolk have put them in and be manly men again.

Do you have a favorite Burt movie?  Discuss in the comments.

PHOTO CREDIT: Alan Light, used via Creative Commons.

Tagged ,
Advertisements