Category Archives: Uncategorized

Alien Jones vs. The Yeti

Oh, what a wonderful world we live in when you can find a dude on Friday, ask him for artwork of an alien blasting a yeti and get this on Monday:

Thoughts?

I’ll be using this to promote an upcoming email newsletter. Alien Jones will be the author.

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If you’re just joining us…

…I got tired of trying to explain to people what this fine blog is all about, so I paid this lady to do it for me:

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If you have Microsoft edge…

…and you know how to make it so that your web browser is full screen instead of having it be down lower on the screen and then on top it shows all your tabs, past sites you’ve been to etc, how to fix that, it would be appreciated.

Thank you, 3.5 readers.  I’m sorry to inform you but your fearless leader doesn’t know everything.

Inappropriate Musicals – Balls of Glory: The John Wayne Bobbitt Story – Act 2

SONG TITLE: “Where Is It?”

(John Wayne Bobbitt wakes up.  He gets out of bed, stretches and yawns.  He breaks out into song.)

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

Something’s missing…

(A chorus of neighborhood men flood the room.)

CHORUS:

Don’t you hate that feeling?  Is it under the bed?  Is it stuck to the ceiling?

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

What did I loose?  Is it my keys?  Is it my shoes?

CHORUS:

Something isn’t right!  What a terrible fright!

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I’m feeling very indignant.  Something’s amiss.  Something is wrong.  Something feels so different.

CHORUS:

Did you lose your wallet?  We think we saw in on the coffee table!

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

No, it’s not that, but I just feel so unstable.

CHORUS:

Did you lose your day planner?  We think you dropped it on the stairs.

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

No.  This has caught me unawares.

CHORUS:

How frightful to know that something is gone, but to not know what is missing…

(JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT heads to the bathroom, lifts up the toilet seat and drops his pants.)

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

Oh well, maybe I’ll figure it out while I’m pissing.  AAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHH!

(JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT returns to the bedroom.)

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

Where is it?

CHORUS:

Where is what?

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

My penis! My Johnson!  My cock!

CHORUS:

It’s not there?!

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

No sirs, right now I’m wearing empty underwear.

CHORUS:

It’s probably the last place you left it.

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

Could it be in the kitchen?  Could it be in the sink?  I’m sorry that I’m bitchin’ but it’s enough to make a man drink?

CHORUS:

Where, oh where is your best pal?  That is what we must know!

(JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT looks around.)

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

Hey!  Did anyone see Lorena go?

(A knock at the door.  BOBBITT opens it.  A police officer hold up a plastic bag.)

POLICE OFFICER:

Sir, is this yours?

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

Why, yes!  Where did it go?  It’s never left me before!

POLICE OFFICER:

We need to get you to a doctor.  See if it can be sewn back on.

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

My God!  Will it ever work again?  Will an erection it ever yield?

POLICE OFFICER:

I have no idea.  We found it at the edge of an abandoned field.

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

But officer! Please, tell me!  Will it ever produce a load?

POLICE OFFICER:

What do I look like?  A dick scientist?  It was just lying there on the side of the road!

 

 

 

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Inappropriate Musicals – Balls of Glory: The John Wayne Bobbitt Story – Act 1

ACT I

(It’s the 1990s.  An enraged Lorena Bobbitt enters her bedroom to find her husband fast asleep.  She raises her hands.  She’s holding a man’s shirt with a lipstick stained collar in one hand and a butcher’s knife in the other.  She breaks out in song.)

SONG TITLE: “Chop it Off”

LORENA BOBBITT:

He cheated…again!

(Chorus girls fill the stage, all dressed like neighborhood housewives.)

CHORUS:

He cheated again!  Why, oh why can’t you see?

LORENA BOBBITT:

That he had carnal relations with someone other than me?

CHORUS:

Oui!

LORENA BOBBITT:

My eyes are open now!  It’s clear what I have to do!

CHORUS:

Get in the car and leave him now!  For divorce you’ll have to sue!

LORENA BOBBITT:

I’ll make it so he can never, cheat on me again!  I’ll separate him from, his tiny little friend!

(LORENA raises the butcher’s knife.)

CHORUS:

Um…no we were just thinking, that you could just take all his money in court.  Make him open his wallet, but to be violent is to be a bad sport.

LORENA BOBBITT:

But if he goes to court he’ll find another woman.  He’ll cheat on that poor girl too.  No, to end this vicious cycle, there’s only one thing left to do.

(LORENA belts out a showstopper.)

Oh…I’m going to….CHOP IT OFF!

CHORUS:

No, this plan will surely fail!

LORENA BOBBITT:

Yes, I’m going to chop it off!

CHORUS:

Think of the headlines!  Think of jail!

LORENA BOBBITT:

I’ll be a hero to every woman who ever got the jilt.  Now you can chop off your husband’s penis, and not feel any guilt!

CHORUS:

You should probably feel some guilt.

LORENA BOBBITT:

Yes, I’m going to chop it off!  Nobody can stop me now!  Oh, I’m going to chop it off!  I’m going to shout it loud!

(LORENA walks to the bed, raises the knife.  Stage goes dark.)

 

 

 

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Inappropriate Musicals

Hi 3.5 readers.  I’ve decided I’m going to write inappropriate musicals for awhile.  If anyone from Broadway is interested, let me know.  If you have an inappropriate topic for a musical, please share.

First up – Bobbitt!

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Toilet Gator Second Draft Edits Resume – AGAIN

I hate it when you lose work and have to do it all over again.  I just feel like your first gut feeling is always the best, it’s impossible to recreate.

But try, I must, for the world needs, nay, DESERVES…TOILET GATOR!

toilet-gator-book-1

Alien Jones vs. The Yeti

I have commissioned artwork of Alien Jones blasting the Yeti with a ray gun because I’m a grown ass man and I do that sort of thing, so tune in next week to see that.  I’m looking forward to it.

Daily Discussion with BQB – Should Oprah Run for President? (Howard Stern Says No)

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

I was listening to Howard Stern today (he actually came into work) and he had an interesting take on all the talk about President Oprah.

He said (and I remember this) years ago, he ran for Governor of New York as a goof.  He didn’t want the job and just did it as a promotion, to get his name out there and get some free press.  He didn’t think anyone would take him seriously so got scared when he actually ranked high in the polls.  Political consultants began getting in touch with him, sure he had a good shot at winning.

He backed out of it because he felt he would not do a good job.  He’s a funny radio guy and while he enjoys that and he has been successful as an entertainer, he did not believe he could handle the job of being governor – the tough decisions, the turmoil, the scrutiny, the studying, the non-stop nature of the job, 24/7 and weekends.  Ultimately, people rely on the Governor and he didn’t think he could deliver.

He thought maybe he might have won and who knows, perhaps from there he might have had a shot at the presidency but he didn’t want it.  He did not believe he would do a good job and so bowed out so an actual politician could win.

He likened his situation to Oprah and said that as a celebrity, especially one that came from humble beginnings without much money (as he and Oprah did) it is tempting to want everything, to take every offered opportunity, to do every TV show, movie, book, business venture, everything because no matter how big you get, you fear it might all go away and so it’s easy to see the presidency as the ultimate plaything, to increase your fame and status…but ultimately, you have to think not of yourself but of the country.

I think he has a good point and I’m wondering if we aren’t going down a path where perhaps there should be a mandate that to win the presidency you must hold some kind of prior office first?  Reagan was an actor, but he did go on to run a union and serve as governor of California.  He did his homework and got his government training.

I mean…when we hear of President the Rock….come on.  I don’t care how loved of a celebrity you are, the second you run for office, half the country will hate you.  Why not stay a celebrity and be loved by all?

On the other hand, TV has really screwed politics up, for years now.  Gone are the days when character, knowledge and experience matter.  How photogenic are you?  What’s your social media following like?

Howard said we need a modern day Winston Churchill but I have news for him – Winston could not win office today.  “Who’s that chubby little bald man with froggy voice?  Get him off the stage and put a squared jawed, perfect haired dummy in his place!”

In other words, politics and entertainment are hand in hand now, such that you can’t be an actor if you aren’t a hottie and let’s face it, you can’t be a politician unless you’ve got that super star quality either.

Discuss.

 

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Daily Discussion with BQB – KodakCoin

Hey 3.5 readers.

Kodak’s stock tripled today based on news that it is launching a new product, “KodakCoin,” getting in on the cryptocurrency phenomenon.

Gotta be honest, I’m surprised Kodak is still in business.  I dabble in the stock market, but I never would have thought to buy shares in Kodak because, I mean, their main claim to fame was built on physical camera film, which is basically like producing Model T fords or dinosaur pants.

Millennials, there was a time when you had to load film into your camera and the little gremlins inside your camera would etch a rough sketch of what you were pointing your camera at.  I’m pretty sure how that works.

Amazingly, Kodak remained in business over the years.  I believe if you ever go to a store and get physical prints of your digital photos, its usual a Kodak machine, so they showed some conversion to modern tech power.  Still, it’s got to be hard on a company when the product they were known for, i.e. Kodak film, becomes obsolete.

Not sure what KodakCoin is but it sounds like they’re devising a way for photographers to get paid when hteir images are used.  If you know more about it, tell me and also will you use it?

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