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Toilet Gator – Chapter 10

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The Right Honorable Mayor Beaumont Dufresne was too busy listening to the Stank Daddy jam that was blaring on his radio to notice the flashing lights in his rear view mirror. He rolled down his window, tossed out an empty beer can, then popped open another. He then started to sing along with America’s favorite rapper, though the words sounded odd in his Foghorn Leghorn-esqu Southern drawl.

“Stank Daddy in the house, gonna smack a bitch…whoa yeah, Stank Daddy, smack those bitches!”

Cole got on his loudspeaker to get His Honor’s attention. “Beau! Pull over!”

The mayor spotted Cole’s cruiser and sipped his beer. “Shit! That goddamn boy scout always trying to ruin my good time.”

Beaumont pulled over to the shoulder of the highway and Cole pulled up behind him. Moments later, the police chief was rapping his knuckles on the mayor’s window. His Honor rolled it down and stuck out his beer.

“Howdy Chief!” Mayor Dufresne said. “Care for some refreshment?”

“Jesus Christ, Beau,” Cole said. “Have enough respect for me to hide it, will you?”

The mayor nodded. “You’re right.” He chugged his beer, crushed the can, then tossed it out the window, where it landed at Cole’s feet. “The Dufresne administration is nothing if not a friend to law enforcement.”

“License and registration,” Cole said.

The mayor rolled his eyes. “Cole, are we really going to do this little dance?”

“What dance is that?” Cole asked.

“The one where you pretend like you’re going to haul me in and I pretend as though I’m frightened all the way to my under britches and then you let me off with a warning?” The mayor said.

Cole cleared his throat. “License and registration.”

The mayor sighed. He reached into the glove compartment, found the requested documents, and forked them over.

“You like this little beauty?” Mayor Dufresne asked as he patted his steering wheel. “Got twelve of these babies lined up ready to go for a steal at the lot. You ought to treat yourself to one, Cole. It’s a surefire panty dropper.”

“Not interested,” Cole said.

“You sure?” the mayor asked. “You help me, I help you…”

Cole stared the mayor down. “You trying to bribe an officer of the law, Beau?”

Mayor Dufresne threw his hands up. “Heaven forbid! I’d never insult your integrity in such an unsavory manner, Cole. You’ve got to work on your paranoia.”

Cole examined the documents, then handed them back to the mayor. “And you’ve got to work on staying in the same lane.”

“Duly noted, my boy,” the mayor said. “Duly noted.”

Cole ran his hand through his hair. “Second time this month, Beau. Tenth time this year.”

“I never knew you were such an astute mathematician, Cole,” the mayor said. “You truly missed your calling.”

“Step out of the car,” Cole said.

The mayor shook his head. “Son, I do believe you ought to think long and hard about what you’re doing.”

“I’ve thought about it,” Cole said. “I’m not going to wake up one morning and find out you ran some kid over because I didn’t do my job.”

“A bit overdramatic, aren’t we?” the mayor asked.

“I’ve given you more chances than you deserve, Beau,” Cole said. “Step out of the car.”

The mayor looked at the chief. “I don’t believe I will.”

“Now you’re the one who needs to think about what he’s doing,” Cole said.

“You’ve made your point,” the mayor said. He put two fingers up to his forehead and gave Cole the boy scout salute. “I’ll go right home and join a twelve-step program. Honest Injun.’”

The bright yellow handle of a taser gun poked out from Cole’s utility belt. The chief put his hand on it. “I will light you up like a Christmas tree, Beau. Don’t even try me.”

The mayor nodded. He opened the door and stepped out with his hands up. “Well, I suppose I’ll play along with this charade, but only because my pacemaker wouldn’t find that to be agreeable at all.”

Cole threw the old coot down on the hood of the Ferrari. “Assume the position!”

“Oh for the love of God!” Mayor Dufresne cried as he felt every nook and cranny being poked and prodded.
Snap. Snap. Cole cuffed the mayor’s hands behind his back, making sure to close the metal bracelets extra tights.

“Damn it, Cole!” the mayor said. “You got me shittin’ my pants now, alright? Enough is enough!”

“You’re right,” Cole said. “Enough is enough.”

“Cole Walker!” Mayor Dufresne said. “You do this and I’ll sue the shit out of you for police brutality! I’ll have your badge!”

“Take it,” Cole said. “It’s brought me nothing but trouble.”

Cole’s radio squawked. The froggy voice of the chief’s trusty dispatcher Debbie came through. “Chief?”

“I’ll have every badge on the force!” the mayor said. “First thing I’ll do is call up the county sheriff and roll out a plan for him to absorb the entire Sitwell Police Department.”

“Oh well,” Cole said as he pulled his radio off his belt and pressed down the call button. “We had a good run. What’s up, Debbie?”

“There’s a big to-do at the community college,” Debbie said.

“Wild party?” Cole asked.

“Nope,” Debbie said. “Twenty calls already reporting a murder.”

Cole looked up to the sky and mouthed a trail of dirty words underneath his breath. He got back on his radio. “10-4.”

“You’ll never work in this town again, Walker!” the mayor shouted. “When I’m done with you, you’ll be lucky to be a jizz mopper at a titter bar!”

Click. Click. Cole removed the cuffs and the lousy excuse for a mayor was free.

“You got lucky,” Cole said.

“Thank the lord you listened to reason,” the mayor said.

Cole walked back to his cruiser. He stopped, turned, and pointed at the mayor. “To be continued…”

The chief got in his car and rolled out into traffic.

“Pussied out again, huh?” Rusty asked.

“Shut your suckhole, Ronald McDonald,” Cole replied.

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You’re in Luck, 3.5 Readers

A new chapter of Toilet Gator and it isn’t even Sunday.  Enjoy!

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Best Pickup Lines #101-150

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#101 – Oh, I guess you’ll do.

#102 – Pardon me ma’am, but do you have a taser?  If so, is it charged?  Also, what’s your pepper spray situation?  I ask because the ER says my health insurance won’t cover any more zap or eye treatments this fiscal year.

#103 – If you were peanut butter, I’d spread you on my bread.

#104 – The ladies say I’m a dog.  Wanna pet me?

#105 – Let’s go back to your place.  My place is filled with silverfish.

#106 – I’ve been told I have a silver tongue.  Got any varnish?

#107 – Want to play Monopoly?  I’ll put my finger in your thimble.

#108 – Would you like to split an ice cream soda at the malt shoppe?

#109 – Why yes, these are Hammer pants.  Thank you for noticing.

#110 – Look into my eyes.  You are getting sleepy…very sleepy…

#111 – Does anyone else know you are here?  Would anyone miss you?  Just curious is all.  No biggie.

#112 – Do you come here often?  Would you like to?

#113 – Would you be willing to take a compatibility test?  You only have to fill in the bubbles on a scantron sheet for seven hours.

#114 – Want to see me crush a beer can on my head?

#115 – I sure would love to bounce a quarter off that tucas.

#116 – I feel like I could get lost in your eyes.  Would you like to get lost in my chest hair?

#117 – I’d like to sketch you sometime, but I’m not a very good artist.  It would probably just look like a stick figure with two giant chest circles.

#118 – We’re not getting any younger.

#119 – I just sold my three years sober chip for a keg.  I’m officially off the wagon, baby! Woo!

#120 – I’ll mow your lawn and trim your hedge.  Also, I will do your lawn work.

#121 – You shaved down there or do you look like you’ve got bigfoot in a leg lock?

#122 – I’d love to take you to Europe, but the International Showcase at Epcot is the best I can do.

#123 – Who’s up for a little bit of the slap and tickle?

#124 – You are an amazing woman and I value your mind and spirit over your body.  Was that sufficiently deep to get me into your pants or do I have to spout off more nonsense?

#125 – It totally works.  I just got it checked.

#126 – Wanna come back to my place?  We can take turns lying down in the chalk silhouette on the floor.

#127 – Allow me to serenade you with my accordion.

#128 – Wanna do your good deed for the year?

#129 – Hey lady.  Stop staring at my crotch.  My eyes are up here.

#130 – You look exactly like a movie star.  Has anyone else ever mistaken you for Rosie O’Donnell?

#131 – We’re like two ships passing in the night, except now it’s time to dock in your harbor…

#132 – Let us crash our bodies against each other like two portly wildebeests rampaging their way across the Savannah.

#133 – Eh, like you could do better.

#134 – What wedding ring?  Oh, THAT wedding ring!  I’m just holding it for a friend…

#135 – You’re pretty hot.  Seriously, you could be a prostitute in the greater Manhattan area if you wanted to.

#136 – If looks could kill you’d be an Apache attack helicopter outfitted with heat seeking nuclear missiles and twin gatling guns.

#137 – Can I touch it?

#138 – Can I text you sometime…and also, many times after that?

#139 – I know we just met but I can already imagine a life where I pass out in front of the TV with a beer in my hand and a cigar in my mouth while you wash the skid marks out of my undies.

#140 – I’ve been told I look like a young Abe Vigoda.

#141 – Would you mind terribly if I were to take a life insurance policy and then hang out with you for awhile at the top of a very high flight of stares for absolutely no reason in particular?

#142 -Yeah, I’m a health nut. My diet consists mostly of Slim Jims and Red Bull.

#143 – I have a map to the G-spot.  A legendary explorer gave it to me in exchange for three gold doubloons and a goat.

#144 – Can I sniff the air in your general vicinity?

#145 – Are you one of those lame-os who freaks out when a man takes between thirty and forty thousand photos her while she’s sleeping?

#146 – I’m into feet.  Can you take off those shoes so I can meet yours?

#147 – I wipe regularly.

#148 – I’m cash poor but love rich.

#149 – Check out the size of my hands.  Extra big gloves for me if you catch my drift.

#150 – Let’s boogie.

Best Pickup Lines #76-100

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#76 – Hey baby.  I have some lotion and I would love it if you would put it in my basket.  Remember, if you don’t put it in the basket, you’ll get the hose again.

#77 – Pardon me, I know this sounds rude and offensive, but I just have to say you have an amazing body.  It would look fabulous in my crawlspace.

#78 – Does this rag I just pulled out of my pocket smell like chloroform to you?

#79 – You look so beautiful I just want to kiss you.  But first, can you sign these forms in triplicate stating your assent to me kissing you?  Also, we’ll need to find a late night drive-through notary office before we can get down to business.

#80 – You’ll probably never do any better than me.  I’ll probably never do any better than you.  Let’s just give up and be together already.  It’s not like anyone else is kicking down the door for us.

#81 – Oh, you like my outfit?  Good because the 1970s called and they said they will never take it back.

#82 – Let’s make some bad decisions.  Put me at the top of the list.

#83 – I look way better in the dark.  In fact, there are no lightbulbs in my place.

#84 – Can I just take a quick selfie with you so all my social media followers will assume I have something going on even though I clearly don’t?

#85 – Maybe’s there’s a python in my pants.  Maybe it’s just a lowly worm.  Pants roulette, baby.  Pants roulette.

#86 – I’m the best man I know but I admit I don’t know many people.

#87 – Let’s make this quick.  I have to get back to Gotham City and fight the Joker.  Shh, don’t tell anyone I told you that.

#88 – Am I ugly or are you just very judgmental?

#89 – I love to workout.  Every day I curl two pints of Ben and Jerry’s right into my pie hole.

#90 – Our children would no doubt look like hideous mutants.

#91 – Get out of my dreams…and into my pants.  No, wait!  My car!  Sorry, I always screw up that song.

#92 – Do you have a photo of your mother?  I’d like to know up front whether or not you’ll still be bone-able in twenty years.

#93 – Are you a member of PETA?  Good, because I’m one dirty animal that needs to be saved.

#94 – I look much better in my gimp mask.  Trust me.

#95 – Baby, you should stop smoking.  You’re hot enough already.

#96 – Where are your friends?  Before I date you I need to know you are the hottest one in the batch.

#97 – I can haz vagina?

#98 – McDonald’s on me baby.  Your choice of one item on the value menu, or you can have a Happy Meal but I get to keep the toy.

#99 – Maybe I’m a frog.  Maybe I’m a prince.  You’ll never know until you kiss me, girl.

#100 – I’m the lead singer in my boy band.

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Best Pickup Lines – #50-75

#51 – The only band I ever listen to is Creed.  All day, everyday, nothing but Creed, Creed, and more Creed.  Can I take you higher?

#52 – Closing time.  You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.  However, as luck would have it, you are more than welcome to stay in my pants.

#53 – Do you think it’s fair that the top one percent of good looking men get to sleep with one hundred percent of the best looking women?  Do your part for sexual equality and help out one of the ugliest members of the ninety-nine percent of ugly men.  Seriously, I’m the Bernie Sanders of humping.

#54 – I’m just a squirrel looking for a nut.

#55 – I’ve got X-ray vision and I like what I see.  Yowza!

#56 – I’m not circumcised.  Seriously.  It looks like that monster that tried to eat the Millennium Falcon.

#57 – I’d love to leave one of my action figures on your night stand.

#58 –  Momma always said life is like a box of chocolates.  You just have to pinch a lot of ’em until you find the one you like.  Can I pinch you?

#59 – Do you want to see me naked?  Statistically speaking, someone out there must, so you never know, maybe you do.

#60 – Wanna have the best thirty seconds of passion followed by the best hour of awkward apologizing you have ever had in your entire life?

#61 – Don’t worry about getting knocked up, baby.  My swimmers aren’t exactly Michael Phelps.  By that I mean they don’t have any endorsement deals and they aren’t into trannies.

#62 – I forgot my condom at home.  However, I do just happen to have this empty Zagnut wrapper…

#63 – Welcome to O-Town.  Population: You.

#64 – Please!  Please, please, please, please, please, please, please…

#65 – I don’t have scurvy.  I eat limes on a regular basis.

#66 – Yes, I have crabs, but don’t worry.  They’re trained.

#67 – Pleased to meet you.  Might I make your vagina’s acquaintance?

#68 – Daddy’s home, baby.  Daddy’s home.

#69 – Sixty-nine.  It’s the most sensual of all numbers, don’t you think?

#70 – Look! I’ve got nothing up my sleeve…unlike my pants…

#71 – You like my scent?  One hundred percent Right Guard Sport.

#72 – You, me and a rodeo clown makes three.

#73 – Life is filled with disappointment.  Better to get them over with early.  Here, let me help…

#74 – I just popped a boner pill, so I’ve only got thirty minutes.  Give me a yes or a no quick so I can move onto the next one.  Law of averages, baby.  Law of averages.

#75 – I don’t think you will ever look better than you do right now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Zom Fu – Chapter 51

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Near the steps of the Imperial Palace, three terra-cotta soldier statues stood ever so stoically, serving as tributes to warriors who had fallen in the past in the name of the Emperor. Their eyes were bright red sapphires, a bounty that the Whirlwind was unable to resist.

“Come on, you bugger,” the Whirlwind said as he jammed a dagger underneath one of the sapphires and attempted to pry it out. “Just a little…there!”

The Whirlwind stared longingly at the treasure in his hand, only to be interrupted by a cold, undead hand on his shoulder.

“Bah!” the Whirlwind said as he bashed the zombie on the head with his club. “Can’t you see I’m busy?”

“Rarrrgh!” Niu cried as he lifted another undead warrior over his head and tossed it into the night sky. “There are more important things to be busy with!”

“I was promised loot!” the Whirlwind said as he began to work on prying out another sapphire.

A zombie jumped onto Niu’s back but was quickly thrown off. Another attacked from the front, but Niu managed to grip the beast by the face and jaw, allowing him to separate one for the other.

“I said I’d look the other way!” Niu shouted. “A feat that is growing more difficult the more you shirk your responsibilities!”

The Whirlwind rolled his eyes as a second sapphire eye dropped into his hand. “Oh alright, pansy!”

Thonk! Clonk! The Whirlwind bashed in the brains of countless zombies as a fireball whizzed just inches over his head. A zombie standing directly behind the thief was hit by the flame and was incinerated instantly.

“Hey!” the Whirlwind shouted at Junjie. The thief tapped his own head to make sure his locks will still there. “Watch it, will you? If you burn off all my hair and leave me like baldy here, the ladies will never touch me again.”

“You test my patience,” Niu said as he pummeled a zombie.

“Someone had to,” the Whirlwind replied as he bashed his club into an undead skull.

Crack! A bolt of lightning streaked through the sky, followed by a menacingly loud thunderclap.

With his ghostly frame, the Infallible Master walked right through his disciples, the zombies, even the various members of the Clan of the Mediocre Yet Effective Club Bonk. The old man reached the top step and looked into the sky, where more lightning bolts passed overhead, high above the palace.

“Children,” the Infallible Master said. “Time is of the essence!”

The Whirlwind’s associates formed a line near the middle of the palace steps, bonking any zombie that dared to pass. This allowed Junjie, Niu, and the Whirlwind to enter the palace with the master.

“Club fu saves the day!” the Whirlwind remarked.

“Now is not the time!” Niu hissed.

“Niu and Whirlwind, you must find the Emperor,” the master said. “Junjie, follow me.”

“But shouldn’t I help them find the Emperor?”

“This is more important,” the master said.

“What could be more important than the Emperor?” Junjie asked.

BQB’s Classic Movie Rewind – Face/Off (1997)

Holy crap, 3.5 readers.  Can you believe it has been twenty years since Face/Off graced the silver screen?

BQB here with a review of this trading faces action fest.

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I really love this movie.  The late 1990s gave birth to so many fantastic action films that still hold up today and this one of them.

John Travolta plays Sean Archer, an FBI agent who has devoted years of his life to taking down terrorist for hire Castor Troy (Nicolas Cage).  Now, he’s finally caught him but alas, Castor’s been incapacitated.

Castor’s brother Pollux is the only one who knows where Castor has planted a bomb that will level Los Angeles, so Archer goes through an experimental surgery to have Castor’s face removed and placed on his.

Alas, Castor wakes up face-less, but that’s ok, because he borrows Archers.  Thus the film takes a confusing turn as Archer and Castor become each other and hunt each other down.

Sure, the premise is utterly ridiculous, but the action comes a mile a minute.  The only question I have had for twenty years is why is it that, when Travolta has his own face put back on at the end does he have his love handles returned too.

Seeing it on TV makes me a bit nostalgic.  Scratch that.  I feel old.  I forgot CCH Pounder is in this movie.  I mostly know her from her days on the rough and perpetually angry Claudette on The Shield but I forgot that she was once mildly hot, bone-able and relatively young in this movie as Archer’s FBI partner.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  My one regret is they have yet to actually invent face swapping technology.  I’d love to swap my hideous face with some studly dude, although I can’t imagine anyone being willing to accept my face.

 

Things That Really Frost My Ass – Complaints #11-15

The World’s Greatest Complainer can’t be stopped:

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#11 – Credit

Credit is the worst thing ever invented.  Credit cards.  Loans.  Financing.  Bull plop, I say.  If you can’t pay for it with cash on the barrelhead, then you shouldn’t be buying it.  When I was a kid, everything cost a nickel.  Candy, cars, houses, bread, a space in the cargo hold of a transatlantic freight liner – nickels all around.

Today everything costs so much that you start paying for it when you are young and the best case scenario is that you finally pay it off when you’re as old as I am.  Everything is expensive because of credit.  The real estate industry jacks up house prices because mortgages allow the cost to be spread out over time.  The same goes for all the crap you’re buying in the store with your credit cards.  The companies that make that crap know you don’t need it, you know you don’t need it but corporations know what you know – that you’ll charge all that useless crap on your credit card today as long as you don’t have to pay the piper tomorrow.

Don’t even get me started on college.  Know why your professor gets time off to take a sabbatical and write an article that no one will read about the indigenous tribal music preferences of the mushroom farmers of Papau New Guinea?  Because they can just tack the cost onto the tuition bills of students, who will never be able to afford to pay it all off because they insist on majoring in useless crap (like the indigenous tribal music preferences of the mushroom farmers of Papau New Guinea) and thus will never get a job.

Take it from your old Uncle Hardass.  If you don’t pay for it up front, then you’re going to be the credit industry’s bitch for the rest of your life.

#12 – People Who Ask How I Am

What is this, a police state?  Did we lose a war or something?  How I am is none of your business.  Stop pestering me.  I refuse to tell you how I am because you’re probably a spy and will no doubt report any news I share with you about my physical/mental/emotional status to the CIA.  How are you?  See?  Doesn’t feel good, does it?  Feels very invasive, right?  Also, I don’t care how you are.  I am way too busy to feign any interest in how you are so I’m not going to pretend like I care when I really don’t.  Plus, if I tell you I feel lousy, is there anything you can do about it?  Can you make me fifty years younger, give me an elephant sized dong and bring Marilyn Monroe back to life and make her my girlfriend?  No, you can’t.  That is literally what it would take to make me feel better so until you can do that, don’t bother me, schmuckface.

#13 – Mattress Stores

I mean, it’s not like the salesmen time you on how long you take to lie down on a showroom mattress before you make a decision, but in general, if I spend more than five minutes lying down in public, then I end up feeling like a dumbass.  Mattress stores should allow customers to come in at night and have a sleepover, maybe even allow us to live in the store for a month and test out one different mattress a night before coming to a decision.  You know what?  Just forward all my mail to the mattress store.

#14 – Rice Cakes

Who is the brain donor that decided dry, puffed up rice cakes that bear a striking resemblance, both in terms of taste and appearance to Styrofoam coasters, are a good snack for fat people trying to lose weight?  Holy shit.  Convince a man that all he’s allowed to snack on is a tasteless disc and he might just give up and belly up to the all you can eat buffet.

#15 – Dancing

Why do broads always insist on forcing their men to take them out dancing?  Where do people even go to dance?  All of these people who are running around, dancing like a bunch of dummies with ants in their pants, should get jobs and become productive members of society.  Then they won’t have time to dance.  I didn’t even dance at my own wedding.  A lifetime with Gertie as my own personal ball and chain, dragging me down at every turn no matter what I do.  That’s nothing to dance about, let me tell you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Walking Dead Recap – Season 7, Episode 13 – “Bury Me Here”

Hey 3.5 readers.  BQB here a week late with reviewing this episode.

SPOILERS ABOUND

Essentially, the big happening here was that Morgan finally broke his vow to never kill a human.  They’ve been building this up for awhile now, leaving us wonder what it would take for Morgan to kill and honestly, I think Morgan’s character was shortchanged here.  Given the character development we’ve seen so far, I’m not sure I buy it that Morgan would kill in this instance but oh well, I guess that had to have him cross that line sooner or later.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

Happy St. Patrick’s Day

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, 3.5 readers.