Category Archives: Uncategorized

Words the Media Should Stop Using

#1 and #2 – Terrifying, Horrifying or Variants

EXAMPLE: “Senator Bumble’s Support for Bill #535 is Terrifying!”

No it isn’t.  You know what’s terrifying? Leatherface coming at you with a revving chainsaw and the car you’re in is out of gas.

If you don’t support that bill, then Senator Bumble’s support for it is disappointing, ill-advised or contrary to your beliefs, but one usually only feels terror when one is in a dangerous situation, one where there is a great likelihood of danger to your physical well-being.

Things that are terrifying: Mike Myers chasing you with a machete.  A dump truck barreling down on you and your foot is stuck in a pothole.  A Bengal tiger spotting you and licking his chops.

Times I Have Been Terrified in My Life: 1) I was getting out of a car on a rainy night when I noticed another car had veered off the road and was about to crash into the car I was getting out of. I had to make a split second decision to keep getting out of the car and try to make a run for it or get back in the car.  I got back in the car and as it turns out, that was the better move as the impact pushed the car quite a bit, right over the spot I would have been in…as you know, a person not inside a car to protect me.  That was terrifying but I am now here to entertain you 3.5 readers so it worked out.

Other Time I Was Terrified:  I was walking alone in a neighborhood at night and an enormous dog started following me.  He kept sniffing at me, nipping at me, put his paws on me (on my shoulders because that’s how big it was) and it was just huge.  I’m not sure the feeling amounted to terror but there was a large concern in my mind at the time that this mutt could have ripped out my larynx if it wanted then defiled my corpse and it was such a quiet country road that it would have been days before the road cleanup crew would have scooped me up with a spatula.  Luckily, the dog didn’t want to.

At any rate, I have felt terror and close to terror but bloviating politicians have yet to strike terror into me.

Things that are not terrifying: Senator Bumble’s support for a bill.

Here’s a handy tip.  When you read about Senator Bumble, did your butthole pucker? Did you break out into a cold sweat?  Did your heart beat rapidly? No?  OK, so then let’s stop using the word terrifying to describe things that don’t cause these things to happen.

#3 – Destroyed

EXAMPLE: Talk Show Host Talky McTalksalot Just Gave a Monologue That Destroyed Trump!

No.  To destroy is to eradicate.  Make it no longer there. Maybe Talky’s monologue gave a strong argument against Trump’s policies.  Maybe you agree with Talky and are happy to see someone is vocalizing a point you agree with.  Maybe Talky has shown where Trump has made a mistake or has engaged in some action you find disagreeable, but Trump was not destroyed.  Trump is still here.  He is still getting up every day, eating his morning Big Mac, then tweeting up a storm.

There are some other words the media uses that drive me crazy but that’s all I can think of for now.

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Happy Veterans Day

Have a good Veterans’ Day, 3.5 readers.  If any of you 3.5 readers served, thank you for your service.

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Self-Publishing Seems Like an Uphill Battle

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

So here’s what surprised me about self-publishing.

I never thought my books would take off overnight and turn me into an instant millionaire.

I am surprised that there’s so little interest in them.

Call me naïve but I just figured, wow, the Internet, you know?  You put your book on Amazon and Amazon is checked by zillions of people so someone searching for a topic related to your book so just by pure chance there should be at least a hundred bucks worth of purchases right there.

100 purchases at .99 cents a piece?  Is that a lot?  I don’t know.  Is it a lot in comparison to the millions of people who go on to Amazon constantly?

It’s like being the guy that sells oranges on the side of the road.  At least 5 people out of the 1000 who drive past you will buy an orange.

I don’t know.  I’m just surprised because I haven’t made enough money to count on the fingers on my right hand yet.

Am I complaining or being a crybaby?  Yes, though that’s not the intention.  I guess I just thought Amazon was the ultimate tuna filled ocean and if I dipped my net into it, surely just by random luck I’d cash the occasional fish.

Do I need 100 bucks?  No.  Would 100 bucks change my life?  No.  I’m just surprised I’ve barely made a couple bucks.

During my recent giveaway, I did give out roughly 75 free books so I guess that’s cool.  I hope people liked them.

It’s a little frustrating and makes me wonder if it is worth it to continue but…who am I kidding?  I couldn’t stop writing if I tried.

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I Haven’t Played Red Dead Redemption 2 Yet

ME: Oh boy! I just got Red Dead Redemption 2!  I can’t wait to play it!

RED DEAD REDEMPTION 2: Please enjoy the next two hours of downloads, updates and installations.  Feel free to stay up late to play or just play tomorrow.

Sigh.  For a guy from the plug and play generation, this is most annoying.

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When People Ask You to Vote on Social Media

Voting is important but chances are, if you were going to vote you decided to do so long ago and not because some dummy who thinks he/she is the second coming of Christ because they asked you to vote on Twitter or Facebook.

Remember when people write 5,000 posts urging you to vote, they mean they want you to vote for their candidates. If you vote against them they will say you are stupid. Both sides do this.

Anyway I’ve had my fill of sanctimonious voting posts so I’m glad this election is over.

Also, if there’s an office where you don’t like either candidate then write in Uncle Hardass.

My Prices are Insane!

I’m Crazy BQB!  My prices are insane and I’m passing the savings on to you!

Seriously, 3.5 readers.  You just missed my free book promo giveaway, but it’s not too late to get one of my books for 99 cents.  That’s not even a dollar.  You’ll get to keep an entire penny.  What you do with that penny is your business. I don’t know and I don’t want to know.

So check out my Amazon author profile and get yourself a copy of one of my books today…or don’t.  That’s fine.  It’s a free country, so you don’t have to.

 

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What If This is As Good As it Gets?

 

When I was in my late teens, “As Good as it Gets” with Jack Nicholson was a gangbuster comedy and a rare funny movie that got Oscar love.

The story follows a cranky old novelist Melvin who gets irate if every little thing in his life isn’t exactly perfect.  When his usual waitress (Helen Hunt) takes sick leave to care for her ill son, Melvin goes bonkers because no other waitress is able to handle all of his unusual little requests and quirks and demands.

He finds the waitress and hires a great doctor to cure the boy.  Waitress and Melvin become unlikely friends and they take Melvin’s neighbor (Greg Kinnear) on a road trip.  Greg is an artist who is attacked and robbed and he has to suck it up and ask his estranged parents who don’t approve of his gay lifestyle for a loan to keep him afloat as he has lost so much money due to the attack and medical bills etc.

At some point in the film, Melvin realizes he will never not be pissed off all the time.  Helen Hunt will always be an unappreciated single mom.  Greg will probably keep letting the wrong people into his life who do bad things to him (the robbery and attack were from a former boyfriend).

Melvin says, “What if this is as good as it gets?”

In other words, a point comes where we realize we have peaked and it is unlikely that life will ever get any better.  If anything, it’s just a steep decline until death from hereon out.

As I reach 40, I realize the time to get things done is when you are young.  Unfortunately, I spent my best years making a lot of dumb decisions and I thought my youth made me Superman, “Eh, I’ll fix my life tomorrow for I have plenty of time.  Today, I will eat cookies and play video games.”

It would have been nice to have gotten a sequel.  Maybe Jack and Helen get married and Jack becomes less dickish since he has love and Helen can breathe a little easier if Jack is helping with the kid.

Maybe Greg will find a love that won’t break into his house and beat him up and steal his stuff.

I don’t know.  But I’ll tell you I didn’t get that line when I was younger but now that I’m older, I understand it.  What if this is as good as it gets?

Sigh.

P.S. – One of my favorite quotes.  A female fan asks novelist Jack “How do you write women so well?” He responds, “I think of a man and then I take away reason and accountability.”

So much of this movie probably wouldn’t fly today even though the movie was fairly “woke” for its time.  Jack was a cranky prick who made fun of Greg for being gay but when the chips were down, he cared enough about his neighbor to lend a hand.  Jack’s obviously been jilted in the past so that he doesn’t have a lot of respect for women but Helen’s kindness helps him find it.  Actually, that’s another great line.  “You make me want to be a better man.”

Today, in a reboot everyone would have to be nice and get a long but maybe the point is we’ll all never see eye to eye since our experiences have been different but can we count on each other when the chips are down is the question.

OH, I SHOULD MAKE A POINT: The point is, I wish I had understood when I saw this movie in my late teens that life eventually does peak, so when I was young, I should have climbed a much higher mountain so I could have a much better view for a while in my 40s and possibly 50s before I start tumbling down the hill in my 60s (if I get that far, hopefully, knock on wood.)  So, if you’re a younger member of the 3.5 reader club, start climbing now, bitch.

 

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Top Ten Halloween Candies (Best and Worst)

Hey 3.5 readers. BQB here. Check out my list of top Halloween candies and let me know if I missed your favorite.

Bookshelf Battle

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Hey kids, avoid strangers all year along.

Except on October 31.

Then put on a dumb costume and knock on strangers’ doors and demand free foodstuffs.

Who the hell invented this dumb holiday?

Oh wait. I forgot.

We here at BQB HQ love Halloween.

So without further ado, the Top Ten Halloween Candies

#10 – Candy Corn (Best)

An old staple.  Sweet.  Delicious.

Do you like the chocolate candy corn?  You know the ones where the bottom stripe is chocolate?

Eh, I do like chocolate but I prefer my candy corn to have the white stripes at the bottom.

I don’t know why.  I’ve done a lot of thought on this though and that white stripe tastes better than the chocolate strip.

The white strip basically tastes like the candy corn flavor and I can only get that candy corn flavor at Halloween time, whereas I can get chocolate all…

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Cultural Appropriation and Halloween Costumes – A List of What Costumes Your Kid Should Not Wear

Hey 3.5 readers.

It’s Halloween time and you know what that means.

It’s time to figure out if your costume is culturally appropriate. Consult this list to make sure you won’t be offending anyone on All Hallow’s Eve. (Note, you probably will be.)

Bookshelf Battle

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Yup.  It’s Halloween so we know what that means.  Crazy SJWs are flipping their shit over the fact that someone, somewhere in the world might wear a costume for one night for a few hours that might offend somebody, somewhere.

Redbook published this article, breathlessly warning of the dangers of the epic sadness and woe that could spread across the globe if parents allow white daughters to dress like Polynesian princess Moana this Halloween.

First, the article is an example of what is wrong with journalism i.e. the drumming up of a faux controversy.  I mean, it makes it out as if there are a legion of little girls dressing up like Polynesian princesses and an equally large legion of Polynesian girls who are beside themselves with misery and woe over this.  I mean, maybe, just maybe there’s one Halloween party somewhere where this could happen, but is it…

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Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century – #351 – 375

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#351 – Whenever I’m hungry, I talk to my two best friends: Al Dente and Al Fresco.

#352 – Do fish fart?  How would you ever know?

#353 – Women love to fight over me.  Actually, they fight over who gets me, as in, “You get him! No, I don’t want him, you get him!”

#354 – I’d become a CIA spy but it sounds like a lot of effort.  Would I get any credit for being a CIA janitor?

#355 – I feel pretty and witty, but gay is a longer conversation.

#356 – Newspapers do not publish news nor are they printed on paper.  Discuss.

#357 – When you’re smilin,’ the whole world smiles at you, not with you.

#358 – If I could change my name, I’d be Rod Halitosis.

#359 – Gold may be shiny but it’s hard to carry in your wallet.

#360 – I looked inside a turtle shell once.  The little guy was running a sex disco in there.  I was never same again.

#361 – Pencils have erasers so you can fix your mistake and fill the previously erroneous response with the correct answer.  It’s as if the wrong answer never happened. Pens do not have erasers, so you must scratch out and obliterate the wrong answer and leave a massive scar on the paper.  You might write in the answer but the memory of your failure will always be there.  Are you a pen person or a pencil person?  Decide.

#362 – I don’t know where I am.

#363 – If you don’t live life, life will live you.

#364 – Bulls are always horny.

#365 – I am against cuckery and all it stands for.

#366 – Everyone is ugly…except me.

#367 – I prefer jelly and peanut butter sandwiches to the alternative.

#368 – I don’t know what I don’t know.  I don’t even know what I do know.

#369 – I was Zeus in a previous life.

#370 – A pillow is like a bed for your head.

#371 – Whenever I need to shrink my boner, I watch The View.

#372 – I keep raisins in my cookie jar and cookies in my salad crisper.

#373 – I would like to visit Guam.

#374 – A good potato never hurt anything.

#375 – Angry is the way of the gnome.

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