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Best Pickup Lines #76-100

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#76 – Hey baby.  I have some lotion and I would love it if you would put it in my basket.  Remember, if you don’t put it in the basket, you’ll get the hose again.

#77 – Pardon me, I know this sounds rude and offensive, but I just have to say you have an amazing body.  It would look fabulous in my crawlspace.

#78 – Does this rag I just pulled out of my pocket smell like chloroform to you?

#79 – You look so beautiful I just want to kiss you.  But first, can you sign these forms in triplicate stating your assent to me kissing you?  Also, we’ll need to find a late night drive-through notary office before we can get down to business.

#80 – You’ll probably never do any better than me.  I’ll probably never do any better than you.  Let’s just give up and be together already.  It’s not like anyone else is kicking down the door for us.

#81 – Oh, you like my outfit?  Good because the 1970s called and they said they will never take it back.

#82 – Let’s make some bad decisions.  Put me at the top of the list.

#83 – I look way better in the dark.  In fact, there are no lightbulbs in my place.

#84 – Can I just take a quick selfie with you so all my social media followers will assume I have something going on even though I clearly don’t?

#85 – Maybe’s there’s a python in my pants.  Maybe it’s just a lowly worm.  Pants roulette, baby.  Pants roulette.

#86 – I’m the best man I know but I admit I don’t know many people.

#87 – Let’s make this quick.  I have to get back to Gotham City and fight the Joker.  Shh, don’t tell anyone I told you that.

#88 – Am I ugly or are you just very judgmental?

#89 – I love to workout.  Every day I curl two pints of Ben and Jerry’s right into my pie hole.

#90 – Our children would no doubt look like hideous mutants.

#91 – Get out of my dreams…and into my pants.  No, wait!  My car!  Sorry, I always screw up that song.

#92 – Do you have a photo of your mother?  I’d like to know up front whether or not you’ll still be bone-able in twenty years.

#93 – Are you a member of PETA?  Good, because I’m one dirty animal that needs to be saved.

#94 – I look much better in my gimp mask.  Trust me.

#95 – Baby, you should stop smoking.  You’re hot enough already.

#96 – Where are your friends?  Before I date you I need to know you are the hottest one in the batch.

#97 – I can haz vagina?

#98 – McDonald’s on me baby.  Your choice of one item on the value menu, or you can have a Happy Meal but I get to keep the toy.

#99 – Maybe I’m a frog.  Maybe I’m a prince.  You’ll never know until you kiss me, girl.

#100 – I’m the lead singer in my boy band.

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Best Pickup Lines – #50-75

#51 – The only band I ever listen to is Creed.  All day, everyday, nothing but Creed, Creed, and more Creed.  Can I take you higher?

#52 – Closing time.  You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.  However, as luck would have it, you are more than welcome to stay in my pants.

#53 – Do you think it’s fair that the top one percent of good looking men get to sleep with one hundred percent of the best looking women?  Do your part for sexual equality and help out one of the ugliest members of the ninety-nine percent of ugly men.  Seriously, I’m the Bernie Sanders of humping.

#54 – I’m just a squirrel looking for a nut.

#55 – I’ve got X-ray vision and I like what I see.  Yowza!

#56 – I’m not circumcised.  Seriously.  It looks like that monster that tried to eat the Millennium Falcon.

#57 – I’d love to leave one of my action figures on your night stand.

#58 –  Momma always said life is like a box of chocolates.  You just have to pinch a lot of ’em until you find the one you like.  Can I pinch you?

#59 – Do you want to see me naked?  Statistically speaking, someone out there must, so you never know, maybe you do.

#60 – Wanna have the best thirty seconds of passion followed by the best hour of awkward apologizing you have ever had in your entire life?

#61 – Don’t worry about getting knocked up, baby.  My swimmers aren’t exactly Michael Phelps.  By that I mean they don’t have any endorsement deals and they aren’t into trannies.

#62 – I forgot my condom at home.  However, I do just happen to have this empty Zagnut wrapper…

#63 – Welcome to O-Town.  Population: You.

#64 – Please!  Please, please, please, please, please, please, please…

#65 – I don’t have scurvy.  I eat limes on a regular basis.

#66 – Yes, I have crabs, but don’t worry.  They’re trained.

#67 – Pleased to meet you.  Might I make your vagina’s acquaintance?

#68 – Daddy’s home, baby.  Daddy’s home.

#69 – Sixty-nine.  It’s the most sensual of all numbers, don’t you think?

#70 – Look! I’ve got nothing up my sleeve…unlike my pants…

#71 – You like my scent?  One hundred percent Right Guard Sport.

#72 – You, me and a rodeo clown makes three.

#73 – Life is filled with disappointment.  Better to get them over with early.  Here, let me help…

#74 – I just popped a boner pill, so I’ve only got thirty minutes.  Give me a yes or a no quick so I can move onto the next one.  Law of averages, baby.  Law of averages.

#75 – I don’t think you will ever look better than you do right now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Zom Fu – Chapter 51

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Near the steps of the Imperial Palace, three terra-cotta soldier statues stood ever so stoically, serving as tributes to warriors who had fallen in the past in the name of the Emperor. Their eyes were bright red sapphires, a bounty that the Whirlwind was unable to resist.

“Come on, you bugger,” the Whirlwind said as he jammed a dagger underneath one of the sapphires and attempted to pry it out. “Just a little…there!”

The Whirlwind stared longingly at the treasure in his hand, only to be interrupted by a cold, undead hand on his shoulder.

“Bah!” the Whirlwind said as he bashed the zombie on the head with his club. “Can’t you see I’m busy?”

“Rarrrgh!” Niu cried as he lifted another undead warrior over his head and tossed it into the night sky. “There are more important things to be busy with!”

“I was promised loot!” the Whirlwind said as he began to work on prying out another sapphire.

A zombie jumped onto Niu’s back but was quickly thrown off. Another attacked from the front, but Niu managed to grip the beast by the face and jaw, allowing him to separate one for the other.

“I said I’d look the other way!” Niu shouted. “A feat that is growing more difficult the more you shirk your responsibilities!”

The Whirlwind rolled his eyes as a second sapphire eye dropped into his hand. “Oh alright, pansy!”

Thonk! Clonk! The Whirlwind bashed in the brains of countless zombies as a fireball whizzed just inches over his head. A zombie standing directly behind the thief was hit by the flame and was incinerated instantly.

“Hey!” the Whirlwind shouted at Junjie. The thief tapped his own head to make sure his locks will still there. “Watch it, will you? If you burn off all my hair and leave me like baldy here, the ladies will never touch me again.”

“You test my patience,” Niu said as he pummeled a zombie.

“Someone had to,” the Whirlwind replied as he bashed his club into an undead skull.

Crack! A bolt of lightning streaked through the sky, followed by a menacingly loud thunderclap.

With his ghostly frame, the Infallible Master walked right through his disciples, the zombies, even the various members of the Clan of the Mediocre Yet Effective Club Bonk. The old man reached the top step and looked into the sky, where more lightning bolts passed overhead, high above the palace.

“Children,” the Infallible Master said. “Time is of the essence!”

The Whirlwind’s associates formed a line near the middle of the palace steps, bonking any zombie that dared to pass. This allowed Junjie, Niu, and the Whirlwind to enter the palace with the master.

“Club fu saves the day!” the Whirlwind remarked.

“Now is not the time!” Niu hissed.

“Niu and Whirlwind, you must find the Emperor,” the master said. “Junjie, follow me.”

“But shouldn’t I help them find the Emperor?”

“This is more important,” the master said.

“What could be more important than the Emperor?” Junjie asked.

BQB’s Classic Movie Rewind – Face/Off (1997)

Holy crap, 3.5 readers.  Can you believe it has been twenty years since Face/Off graced the silver screen?

BQB here with a review of this trading faces action fest.

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I really love this movie.  The late 1990s gave birth to so many fantastic action films that still hold up today and this one of them.

John Travolta plays Sean Archer, an FBI agent who has devoted years of his life to taking down terrorist for hire Castor Troy (Nicolas Cage).  Now, he’s finally caught him but alas, Castor’s been incapacitated.

Castor’s brother Pollux is the only one who knows where Castor has planted a bomb that will level Los Angeles, so Archer goes through an experimental surgery to have Castor’s face removed and placed on his.

Alas, Castor wakes up face-less, but that’s ok, because he borrows Archers.  Thus the film takes a confusing turn as Archer and Castor become each other and hunt each other down.

Sure, the premise is utterly ridiculous, but the action comes a mile a minute.  The only question I have had for twenty years is why is it that, when Travolta has his own face put back on at the end does he have his love handles returned too.

Seeing it on TV makes me a bit nostalgic.  Scratch that.  I feel old.  I forgot CCH Pounder is in this movie.  I mostly know her from her days on the rough and perpetually angry Claudette on The Shield but I forgot that she was once mildly hot, bone-able and relatively young in this movie as Archer’s FBI partner.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  My one regret is they have yet to actually invent face swapping technology.  I’d love to swap my hideous face with some studly dude, although I can’t imagine anyone being willing to accept my face.

 

Things That Really Frost My Ass – Complaints #11-15

The World’s Greatest Complainer can’t be stopped:

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#11 – Credit

Credit is the worst thing ever invented.  Credit cards.  Loans.  Financing.  Bull plop, I say.  If you can’t pay for it with cash on the barrelhead, then you shouldn’t be buying it.  When I was a kid, everything cost a nickel.  Candy, cars, houses, bread, a space in the cargo hold of a transatlantic freight liner – nickels all around.

Today everything costs so much that you start paying for it when you are young and the best case scenario is that you finally pay it off when you’re as old as I am.  Everything is expensive because of credit.  The real estate industry jacks up house prices because mortgages allow the cost to be spread out over time.  The same goes for all the crap you’re buying in the store with your credit cards.  The companies that make that crap know you don’t need it, you know you don’t need it but corporations know what you know – that you’ll charge all that useless crap on your credit card today as long as you don’t have to pay the piper tomorrow.

Don’t even get me started on college.  Know why your professor gets time off to take a sabbatical and write an article that no one will read about the indigenous tribal music preferences of the mushroom farmers of Papau New Guinea?  Because they can just tack the cost onto the tuition bills of students, who will never be able to afford to pay it all off because they insist on majoring in useless crap (like the indigenous tribal music preferences of the mushroom farmers of Papau New Guinea) and thus will never get a job.

Take it from your old Uncle Hardass.  If you don’t pay for it up front, then you’re going to be the credit industry’s bitch for the rest of your life.

#12 – People Who Ask How I Am

What is this, a police state?  Did we lose a war or something?  How I am is none of your business.  Stop pestering me.  I refuse to tell you how I am because you’re probably a spy and will no doubt report any news I share with you about my physical/mental/emotional status to the CIA.  How are you?  See?  Doesn’t feel good, does it?  Feels very invasive, right?  Also, I don’t care how you are.  I am way too busy to feign any interest in how you are so I’m not going to pretend like I care when I really don’t.  Plus, if I tell you I feel lousy, is there anything you can do about it?  Can you make me fifty years younger, give me an elephant sized dong and bring Marilyn Monroe back to life and make her my girlfriend?  No, you can’t.  That is literally what it would take to make me feel better so until you can do that, don’t bother me, schmuckface.

#13 – Mattress Stores

I mean, it’s not like the salesmen time you on how long you take to lie down on a showroom mattress before you make a decision, but in general, if I spend more than five minutes lying down in public, then I end up feeling like a dumbass.  Mattress stores should allow customers to come in at night and have a sleepover, maybe even allow us to live in the store for a month and test out one different mattress a night before coming to a decision.  You know what?  Just forward all my mail to the mattress store.

#14 – Rice Cakes

Who is the brain donor that decided dry, puffed up rice cakes that bear a striking resemblance, both in terms of taste and appearance to Styrofoam coasters, are a good snack for fat people trying to lose weight?  Holy shit.  Convince a man that all he’s allowed to snack on is a tasteless disc and he might just give up and belly up to the all you can eat buffet.

#15 – Dancing

Why do broads always insist on forcing their men to take them out dancing?  Where do people even go to dance?  All of these people who are running around, dancing like a bunch of dummies with ants in their pants, should get jobs and become productive members of society.  Then they won’t have time to dance.  I didn’t even dance at my own wedding.  A lifetime with Gertie as my own personal ball and chain, dragging me down at every turn no matter what I do.  That’s nothing to dance about, let me tell you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Walking Dead Recap – Season 7, Episode 13 – “Bury Me Here”

Hey 3.5 readers.  BQB here a week late with reviewing this episode.

SPOILERS ABOUND

Essentially, the big happening here was that Morgan finally broke his vow to never kill a human.  They’ve been building this up for awhile now, leaving us wonder what it would take for Morgan to kill and honestly, I think Morgan’s character was shortchanged here.  Given the character development we’ve seen so far, I’m not sure I buy it that Morgan would kill in this instance but oh well, I guess that had to have him cross that line sooner or later.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

Happy St. Patrick’s Day

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, 3.5 readers.

Also…

On this, my momentous three year anniversary, I feel it important to remind you that if I can get 3,500 WordPress followers for this fantastic blog, then I will celebrate by hiring a dude on Fiverr that will juggle a chainsaw with your website name on the blade.

What you people are waiting for, I have no idea.

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Toilet Gator – Chapter 2

PREVIOUSLY ON TOILET GATOR…

Countess Cucamonga, a pop star known for singing about her infamous booty, comes to a mysterious end…when her end is eaten.

Later that evening, an old man in a nursing home comes to…a similar end.

Bookshelf Battle

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Geriatric Oaks Retirement Home

Boca Raton, Florida

9:00 P.M.

Nurse Sheila was a living saint. For the past twenty years, she’d diligently kept watch over her elderly charges, many of which were dazed, confused, and filled to the brim with anger over the fact that their lives had become a sad, ironic joke.

“What is this?” Mr. Bromstein asked as pulled out the elastic waistband of his boxer shorts and stared downward. “This is supposed to be my schmekel but it looks like a day old slice of pastrami.”

“Have you been putting your cream on?” Nurse Sheila asked.

‘Oy,” Mr. Bromstein answered as he turned to his roommate, Raul. Raul feasted on jello as he watched an old Western film.

“Do you hear what she asks me?” Mr. Bromstein asked Raul. “‘Have I put the cream on?’ she says. Of course I put the cream on. The doctor tells…

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Movie Review – Manchester by the Sea

Depression.  So much depression.  Also sadness.  Ridiculous amounts of sadness.  Did I mention the ennui?

BQB here with a view of the Oscar nominated cry fest, Manchester by the Sea.

SPOILER ALERT: Don’t read ahead if you don’t want spoilers and honestly, if you are clinically depressed or have psychiatric problems or something you probably will just want to skip this movie altogether.  I’m pretty stable myself and even I feel like blowing my brains out after watching it.

Tragedy forces Lee Chandler (Casey Affleck) to leave his hometown of Manchester by the Sea.  Years later, the death of his brother forces him to return.  Ultimately, this hairy, mumbly, yeti looking prick must decide whether he will step up to the plate and raise his nephew Patrick (Lucas Hedges) or if the bad memories of his past will be too much for him to remain.

Lee is a grumpy douche.  Patrick is a grumpy douche.  For the two plus hours of the movie, you sit there and watch all sorts of things happening in excruciating detail, often too much detail, and you hope that at some point these two douches will realize that they are all the other has got and I guess I won’t spoil it for you by telling you whether or not they ever do but eventually a conclusion happens and it’s such a long road to get there that you will have probably grown a Casey Affleck beard by the time it happens.

Casey’s Oscar is well deserved though at times the film feels like a parody of the type of film that draws Oscar attention in the first place.  Start with sadness.  Add in some extra sadness.  Spoon in more sadness.  Drop it all on a sad plate with a side of sad fries.

The main theme of the film is that life goes on even after tragedies occur.  If you know someone who seems like a douche, maybe they didn’t set out to become a douche.  Maybe something tragic happened to turn them into a douche.  Maybe they can’t stop being a douche no matter how hard they try due to the memories of whatever happened to turn them into a douche.  Maybe deep down inside they don’t want to be a douche anymore they can’t help it and it isn’t as simple as telling them to just stop being a douche.

If you aren’t a douche, congratulations, maybe you have just been lucky enough to have never experienced a douche creating tragedy.  Maybe just be happy about that and try not to crap on people who have been douche-ified by circumstances they didn’t ask for.

Life goes on and those who have experienced a tragedy often wonder how the world is carrying on when something bad has happened to them.  Bottomline – you don’t matter much to the whole world, but the world that comprises the circle around your life matters to you.  Somehow you keep going but you aren’t the same and to everyone else, you’re just some douche because they don’t understand what you have been through.

Michelle Williams of Dawson’s Creek fame plays a she douche.  She also experienced tragedy and must carry on despite the douche-ifying aftermath.  Her nomination was deserved.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  Don’t watch it if you don’t want to lose a good mood.  The only reason to watch this film is maybe if you are an actor and you can’t cry on cue.  Just pop this film on before you go on stage and bam waterworks city.

 

 

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