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Buy My Book!

Hey nerds.

BQB here.

Conspiracy. Alien plots. Lizard people. You gotta check out this book, 3.5 readers.

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Get a Free Book – FOR FREE!!!

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

I wrote a short story about a drunk who has spent the past 20 years lamenting the loss of his fiancee. When a stranger transports him to an alternate reality where he and his ex stuck together, he finds that they raised a son who became the worst dictator in history.

Sometimes the worst thing that happens to us is the best thing…for the world.

Anyway, did I mention THIS BOOK IS FREE?

Movie Review – Vampires vs. The Bronx (2020)

Gentrification really sucks, 3.5 readers.

BQB here with a review of this Netflix horror/comedy.

This movie was a fun, silly surprise, reminding me of all those 1980s horror films of yesteryear where plucky kids would band together to fight monsters because their out of touch, unable to believe in the unbelievable parents won’t lift a finger. Though it takes place in modern times, it feels inspired by The Goonies, the Monster Squad or what have you.

Here, the vamps come in the form of a real estate company, buying up every house and store in the Bronx and replacing them with trendy, foofoo chic crap – i.e. condos, artisan butter stores and so on. To comic effect, one bodega owner tries to get in on the action, attempting to peddle kale and oat milk to the influx of wealthy yuppies.

Enter heroes Miguel, Luis and Bobby who discover that this real estate scheme is just a front for the vamps to hide their coffins under the neighborhood’s collective nose, so the bloodsuckers can feast on the locals. They might do something to stop it if Miguel’s mother will ever stop yelling at him out the window about how he needs to change his underwear while he’s trying to chat up some girls.

Humor and shenanigans ensue as the kids go on a quest to bring the vamps down, while inept adults occasionally help or hinder their progress.

And yes, I suppose the overall point of the movie is to compare white purchasing and “gentrification” of minority neighborhoods to vampirism but I’ll let you 3.5 readers get into the politics of it all.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy

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Movie Review – Enola Holmes (2020)

Add a dash of girl power, a pinch of adventure and sprinkle a heaping helping of fourth wall breaking and you have a new Netflix film based on the popular young adult novels about Sherlock Holmes’ younger sister.

When her mother (Helena Bonham Carter) goes missing, Enola (Millie Bobbie Brown) turns to brothers Sherlock and Mycroft for help. Sherlock (Henry Cavil as a Sherlock who looks like he’d prefer to bench press clues rather than search for them) is sympathetic to his younger sister’s tom boyish nature, while Mycroft (Sam Claflin) is the patriarchy personified in that he just wants to ship Enola off to a finishing school for girls where Enola will learn how to be a wife and a mother and never ever ever do anything fun ever again.

Yeah, not gonna lie. This film is all about hearing women roar in numbers too loud too ignore.

Finding her older bros useless, Enola sets out to London on her own in search of her mother, only to find a young lord on the run as well. A murderous villain is hot on the lord’s trail and together…yadda yadda yadda, just watch it.

The movie does run a bit long and there are the occasional acts of violence that seem out of place for a young adult movie. It does meander between plots and at times it seems the writers weren’t sure if Enola should be searching for her mother or helping the young lord escape but all in all, it’s fun, though it does run a bit long.

Ultimately, this movie might be Millie Bobbie Brown’s ticket to bigger, better things. She has wowed us as Eleven in Netflix’s runaway hit, Stranger Things and appeared in the latest Godzilla movie, but this movie gives her a chance to display a wide array of emotions. I dare say it looks like she might be one of those lucky child actors who gets to go on to stardom as an adult, if this movie is any indication.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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GET A FREE BOOK!

Hey 3.5 readers.

My book is FREE! So go on over to Amazon and get it today!

Maybe he’s a captive. Maybe he’s a werewolf. All the hero of this story knows is that he wishes this was someone else’s problem.

It’s the 1950s and down on his luck door to door salesman Chauncy Gladwell has been thrown out of his house by a wife tired of his gullible nature. The old boy has a long track record of falling for every scam in the book, to the point where his savings have been ravaged by every two bit con artist in town.

On the day when Chauncy vows to put himself over anyone with a problem, he stumbles across…a young man with a problem. While on a routine sales call to hawk a Suck-O-Matic vacuum cleaner, Chauncy meets Sam, an 18-year old lad who has been locked up in the lady of the house’s basement.

His grandmother, Ludmilla, a crusty old battle axe if there ever was one, says Sam is danger of turning into a werewolf, and thus must be kept in quarantine until the full moon passes.

Sam tells a different story, namely, that his granny is bonkers, and that she’s just trying to stop him from joining the Army and eloping with his high school sweetheart.

What a conundrum. If Chauncy releases Sam, he runs the risk of unleashing a monster upon the world. But if he does nothing and leaves, won’t it eat him up inside, to know that he saw someone being held hostage and did nothing?

Will our unlikely hero save the day? Is there a day to even be saved? Who can be trusted? And what about his pledge to his wife, that he will never again be taken in by someone with a sob story?

Gather around under the full moon and crack open the fourth installment of BQB’s Twisted Shorts. Do you like “The Twilight Zone?” Do you like “The Outer Limits?” Do you like “Black Mirror?” Well, BQB doesn’t have the budget to make shows as awesome as those, but his self-published journey toward creating an episodic anthology has begun.

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GI Joe Livestream

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal, BQB here.

Do you want to watch a show full of geopolitical intrigue, espionage, subterfuge, special agents, double agents, spies galore and international missions filled with derring-do, cold war politics, all tied up in a “America! Eff yeah!” bow, all while serving as a pseudo commercial for plastic toys?

Then have I got news for you, because GI Joe is being live-streamed on YouTube by Hasbro for free. When did this start? I don’t know. Perhaps its gone on for awhile. But I just discovered it, so it’s new to me.

I often repeat Thomas Wolfe’s old line about how you can’t go home again. Things you enjoyed in your youth don’t hold up as an adult. Things that you saw through that you saw through your young eyes, back when the world was new and the possibilities were endless, don’t hold up.

But you know what? This holds up. I mean, it’s all simplistic nonsense and yet, it’s more or less as believable as any action movie put out today.

Imagine it, 3.5 readers. A terrorist organization hellbent on conquering the world. A U.S. special forces team organized to fight them.

You know? I’m just going to say it. Kids are dumb. Cartoons today don’t have enough geopolitical intrigue and spy missions. That’s how kids got so stupid.

Watch it. Watch it now.

Movie Review – Bill and Ted Face the Music (2020)

Time for a review, 3.5 dudes.

I think it was Thomas Wolfe who said you can’t go home again and I think of that line whenever one of these movies come out to capitalize on the pop culture products of yesteryear.

Who is this movie for? I remember (sadly, almost like it was yesterday) being a little kid and thinking Bill and Ted were hilarious (still do). The plot of the original Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, if you recall, is that when they are about to flunk their history exam, the leaders of the future send Rufus (George Carlin) in a time traveling phone booth to pick the boys up and go on a tour of actual history, picking up actual historical figures to learn from (and to inadvertently trash a mall due to historical misunderstandings gone awry.)

I even remember the sequel, Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey, where they die and go on an epic quest through heaven and hell, cheating and befriending Death along the way. Heck, I saw this one in the theater. Just like it was yesterday.

Soo….I don’t know. Is this movie for today’s kids? Maybe. Rock and Roll is long dead though. Sad because the first two were heavily rock based, such that they popularized the air guitar. The valley dude bro speak that Bill and Ted engage in is pretty much a thing of the past too.  Well, maybe not in California but its seen way less in movies whereas it was all the rage in 1980s comedies.

It definitely isn’t for Keanu Reeves, though as I watched it, I decided he has a heart of gold. Bill and Ted launched his career and he has been skyrocketing ever since. Now in his middle age, he’s going stronger than strong, his John Wick movies a license to print money so he didn’t have to do this. I assume he only did it for love of Bill and Ted fans who gave him his start.  Alex Winter didn’t go on to achieve Keanu status but I doubt he needed to do this either, so the real life Bill and Ted must think us 1980s/90s era dudes, now pretty long in the tooth ourselves, must still be pretty excellent to give us this dose of nostalgia.

So maybe it is for us fans who are getting up there. Nostalgia can be fun. For me these movies remind me of a happier time. Whether the past was better is always debatable and often we think of the past as being better, not necessarily because it was better for everyone but because it was better for us. We were young. The world was new. Time was on our side and all of life’s seemingly endless doors of possibility had yet to be slammed in our faces.

It makes me wish I had a time traveling phone booth of my own to go back and talk to me after seeing the old Bill and Ted movies and warn myself of all the proverbial rakes that the universe had hidden in the grass for me – where to find them and how to avoid stepping on them.

If you want to see this one, you might want to see the others first. You’ll get the gist if you haven’t, though there are references to the others that brought up vague recollections for me.

The plot is that Bill and Ted have spent the past few decades trying to achieve the destiny they were promised in the earlier films, namely that they would one day write and perform a song so awesome that it unites the world in peace and harmony. In truth, that song is needed more than ever today, but alas, the dudes have not been able to make it happen. Their band, Wyld Stallions, have gone from early success all the way down to the 99 cent bin, leaving them to perform at community center taco nights, the stress of it all draining their marriages to the British princess babes they dragged out of the past.

Don’t get me wrong. The film has its moments. I found one scene where Bill and Ted and their wives/princess babes go to couples’ counseling to be pretty funny. Meanwhile, Bill and Ted’s daughters, basically carbon copy parodies of their younger selves, are a hoot and they do a lot of the film’s heavy lifting.

Long story short, reality is about to collapse and B and T have a new deadline to write that epic song. While middle aged Bill and Ted go on a quest to the future to shake down various old versions of themselves in search of the song, their daughters go back in time looking for the great musicians of the past, seeking their help in producing it.

All in all, I enjoyed it. I do think Bill and Ted are products of the late 80s, early 90s when Rock and Roll was still loved and appreciated. Bill and Ted are able to solve most problems with a trip through time, though in reality, if you’re like me, you’ve realized that once mistakes are made and certain paths are traveled down, they can’t be undone, as much as you might long for a magic phone booth to use to go back and warn your past self of future problems and how to fix them.

Bonus points for a brief, tasteful tribute to the late George Carlin.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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My Shorts Are Cheap!

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

Totally important announcement, so drop everything you are doing and pay me your rapt attention.

No, that’s not rapt enough. More…more…more…alright, your attention is now sufficiently rapt.

My three short stories, now on Amazon, part of BQB’s Twisted Shorts series, have been priced down to 99 cents.

Is that a reflection of what they are worth? No. I’d charge a million bucks a piece if I could but I don’t think anyone would pay a million bucks for any book.

I’m just testing the waters to see if going cheaper works. We’ll see how it goes. If it doesn’t work, I’ll eventually go back to a higher price.

Here you go. When Superheroes Quit. 99 cents.

Check this out. The One That Got Away:

And finally:

I can’t believe how cheap my shorts are, 3.5 readers. Do you want cheap shorts? Then buy my cheap shorts today!

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William Sherlock Scott Holmes? (QUESTION)

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here with a question for my 3.5.

I’m writing a Sherlock Holmes book, but with my sense of humor. Briefly, Holmes and Watson time travel to modern times and their take on everything modern is funny.

There is a scene where Sherlock’s brother Mycroft, who has been posing as a modern day American for quite some time, saves Sherlock by helping fit in with a bunch of unruly yanks, slapping him on the back and calling him “Billy Boy” – from there on when they are in private, Mycroft calls Sherlock, William.

I thought this was his full name but after doing more research, apparently Sir Arthur Conan Doyle never called Sherlock this. The best I’ve found is that it comes from a 1962 book from another author about Holmes and apparently it has been passed down throughout fans over the years.

And it has been popularized by the famous BBC show with Benedict Cumberbatch setting Sherlock in modern times.

I guess the question is should I 86 the William Sherlock Scott Holmes and just leave him as Sherlock? In my version, he introduces himself as Sherlock Holmes. Watson always calls him Holmes. Mycroft is a double agent, sometimes posing as an American and thus refers to his brother as “Billy Boy” but when they are alone and Mycroft becomes British again he calls him William.

Writers have free reign to write about Holmes now given the 2014 copyright ruling. But I’m nervous about the William Sherlock Scott Holmes thing. If it is something passed about by fans over the years, perhaps its fine to use it. If it is more modern and created by new sources then maybe I shouldn’t touch it.

Maybe I can give him my own name like his name is Fred Phillip Sherlock Holmes or something.

It’s hard to explain. It’s just there’s a sibling rivalry in my book where Mycroft and Sherlock are constantly at odds and Mycroft calls him William to piss him off.

Overall, in my research it has been difficult to sort out what was invented by Doyle and is this fair game (Sorry Doyle) and what has been invented by more modern adaptations and thus isnt.

Thoughts?

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YOU CAN STILL GET MY FREE BOOK!

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal BQB here.

Do you want a FREE BOOK?

No, you don’t. OK. Don’t worry then.

Oh, wait. You do? Cool. Because this FREE BOOK is FREE so go get it.

Are you intrigued by conspiracy theories? So is Harry Blanding. This wacky, crazy old vagrant shows up at a subway stop every day, shouting out absurd claims about aliens, UFOs, Bigfoot, Russian spies and more.

Most write him off as a performance artist with a twisted sense of humor…but one particular government agency that may or may not exist is not laughing.

In conclusion, this book is FREE and really, noble reader, how often do you get something for FREE? You should get this FREE book for FREE right now.

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