Category Archives: Uncategorized

Toilet Gator – Chapter 1

LAST WEEK ON TOILET GATOR…

Network News One reporter Natalie Brock happens upon the scene after Countess Cucamonga dies a mysterious death…on the toilet.

Bookshelf Battle

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After the show, a tired, sweaty, worn-out Countess Cucamonga walked through a backstage hallway. She was flanked on each side by her burly, bald-headed, sunglass sporting security goons. Meanwhile, her dutiful manager Irving, a spindly little twerp stuffed in a designer suit, heaped praise on his client.

“Outstanding performance, Countess,” Irving said. “Positively outstanding. Butt Peace is climbing the charts even faster than Buttstravaganza ever did.”

“What fabulous news, darling,” the Countess replied.

“I think we’re going to see a dramatic decline in violent outbreaks across the world thanks to your song,” Irving said.

“Yes, well, I do what I can darling,” the Countess said. “I really do.”

Irving craned his neck to see that his client was being followed down the hall by Natalie Brock. Struggling to keep up behind the affiliate reporter was Walter, her hefty, huffing and puffing cameraman.

“Goddamn it, Walter,” Natalie said. “Hurry up. We’re…

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Toilet Gator – Network News One Transcript #1

LAST WEEK ON TOILET GATOR…

Network News One affiliate reporter Natalie Brock was assigned to cover the highly anticipated return tour of pop star Countess Cucamonga.

Bookshelf Battle

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Network News One Transcript #1

(Open on Kurt Manley, stereotypically perfect looking news anchor, complete with square jaw, perfect hair and teeth).

KURT MANLEY: Witnesses on the scene reported that the Pope was heard to say, “That’s the last time I’ll go to Tijuana without a passport and a reach around. Coming up in the next hour, the ayatollah has released a series of photos of himself mooning a paper mache version of the president. Also, there’s a new report out in which seventeen out of twenty scientists claim that one of the breakfast cereals in your pantry might cause you to literally vomit out your entire spleen. We’ll tell you which cereal that is after sports and weather. But first, controversial pop star Countess Cucamonga is kicking off her highly anticipated comeback tour tonight. We take you live to Miami, where our local affiliate…Jesus…local affiliate…is that the best we…

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BQB’s Oscar Predictions – Best Actor/Actress – Supporting Actor/Actress

Hey 3.5 readers.  A reminder, the Oscars are too pretty.  We ugly people are tired of not seeing anyone as ugly as we are on the silver screen.  We’re here.  We’re ugly.  Get used to our wretched ugliness.  #OscarsSoPretty

However, if you want to check out the anti-ugly Oscars between Walking Dead commercial breaks, it’s a free country.

Here are my Oscar predictions:

BEST ACTOR

THE NOMINEES:

Casey Affleck – Manchester by the Sea

Ryan Gosling – La La Land

Andrew Garfield – Hacksaw Ridge

Viggo Mortensen – Captain Fantastic

Denzel Washington – Fences

WHO SHOULD WIN:  Denzel is getting up there in years, though he’s still hanging in there.  He’s won before, but this might be one of the last few chances for him to take home Oscar gold before he moves into that stage where he starts playing Grampa.  Viggo Mortensen has also been a staple of Hollywood for a long time but has yet to take home a statue.

WHO WILL WIN:  Either Casey Affleck, because Hollywood loves the Afflecks, or Ryan Gosling because it appears that La La Land is going to sweep the awards.  If I have to choose, I’ll go with Gosling.

BEST ACTRESS

Isabelle Huppert – Elle

Ruth Negga – Loving

Natalie Portman – Jackie

Emma Stone – La La Land

Meryl Streep – Florence Foster Jenkins

WHO SHOULD WIN: Emma Stone.  She’s a rare combination of beauty and personality, a hot chick who seems like she’s read a book.  Though she’s young, she’s been in the entertainment game a long time and Hollywood loves her.  Had Natalie Portman not taken home the gold for Black Swan, I’d say give it to her though since she’s been in the game longer.  As for Meryl Streep, she really doesn’t need another one.

WHO SHOULD WIN:  Emma Stone.  All reports indicate it is La La Land’s year.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

NOMINEES:

Masherala Ali – Moonlight

Jeff Bridges – Hell or High Water

Lucas Hedges – Manchester by the Sea

Dev Patel – Lion

Michael Shannon – Nocturnal Animals

WHO SHOULD WIN: Michael Shannon.  The ugly have been denied their due for far too long.  Shannon has made a career off of playing evil villains and weirdoes due to society’s stereotypical, predisposed notions that all ugly people are evil villains and/or weirdos.  I’d rather see him win for playing a respectable person, but the fact that Hollywood allowed an ugly person on screen at all is miraculous, so we have to take baby steps whenever we can.  Normally, when a movie calls for an ugly character, they just use makeup to ugly up a pretty person, so that an actual ugly person was not only allowed to be on screen but also nominated is amazing.

WHO WILL WIN: Masherala Ali.  He is a good actor and you may know him as Remy Danton from House of Cards.  He also stars in Hidden Figures, one of the other nominated films.  Nothing against the guy, I’m just ugly so I feel like I have to root for my fellow uggo Michael Shannon.  Masherala will have many more chances to take home an Oscar, whereas this year Hollywood’s anti-ugly police might realize they fell asleep at the switch by letting Shannon past the gate and then next year they may slam the door on all ugly actors forever.  We uggos have to get while the getting is good.

BEST ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Nominees:

Viola Davis – Fences

Naomie Harris – Moonlight

Lion – Nicole Kidman

Octavia Spencer – Hidden Figures

Michelle Williams – Manchester by the Sea

WHO SHOULD WIN:  Tough call.  Out of this group, it’s hard to pick one who will get the short end of the stick because, other than Kidman, they’ve all been getting the aforementioned short end for awhile now.  Viola Davis was nominated for 2009’s Doubt and 2012’s The Help, so she’s due.  Octavia Spencer was nominated for 2012’s The Help so she’s due.  Michelle Williams has been nominated for a slew of films dating back to the mid-2000s Brokeback Mountain so she might even be overdue.  Naomi Harris I haven’t heard much from though better film nerds might tell me what else I’ve seen her in, though as far as I know her performance in Moonlight is deserving.  Hell, even though Nicole Kidman has already won, one might argue even she is getting long in the tooth and while her ex-husband Tom Cruise will be allowed to make Mission Impossible movies until he’s in a wheelchair (and even then), she probably doesn’t have much longer until she starts playing Grandma.  All in all, it’s a deserving group overdue for Oscar love, so it’s hard to pick someone to root for other the others.

WHO WILL WIN:  My frenemy Leo McCoy (the man who once delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek) and I will be rooting (even though I just said it was hard) for Michelle Williams, largely because we have fond memories of her playing town slut Jen Lindley on Dawson’s Creek.  However, all reports indicate this is Viola Davis’ year and that works for me as she’s been waiting a long time too.

 

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2017 Oscar Nominated Movies that BQB Has Reviewed

Arrival 

Hacksaw Ridge 

Hell or High Water

Still need to see:

Fences

Hidden Figures

La La Land

Lion

Manchester by the Sea

Moonlight

 

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Zom Fu – Chapter 41

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General Tsang stood on the wall and observed the vast army of the undead. Their forms were twisted and mangled, in various states of decay. They made way as Dragonhand walked through the crowd, followed by Lickspittle and his zombapault.

“I hate to be the kind of man that says, ‘I told you so,’ Zhen,” the general said.

“Then don’t,” Advisor Zhen replied.

“Pitiful dogs!” General Tsang shouted down to the undead masses. “How dare you approach the walls of the Forbidden City in such a threatening manner?”

Dragonhand looked up at the general. “I am Dragonhand, destroyer of all of the great kung fu clans and lord and master over all that I desire. I have come for the Emperor’s brain.”

The general scoffed. “Begone, vile beast! The Emperor’s brain is his and his alone!”

General Tsang watched as one of Dragonhand’s warriors climbed into the bucket of the zombapault.

“These fools take us for cowards,” General Tsang said. “Cousin Nianzu!”

“Sir?” Nianzu replied.

“Deliver a barrage of arrow fire,” General Tsang commanded. “Show them the penalty for trespassing upon the Emperor’s lands.”

“Right away, sir,” Nianzu said. “Archers, to your stations!”

Over a hundred archers took up positions atop the wall, bows and arrows at the ready.

“Prepare to strike on my command,” General Tsang said. “Aim for their ugly heads for only the piercing of their wretched brains will put these animals out of commission.”

Advisor Zhen stared down at Dragonhand. The brain bite clan’s master looked up at the fat little man and winked.

“Belay that order,” the advisor said.

“Silence, Zhen,” General Tsang said. “I’ll tolerate no more of your stupidity.”

“Belay that order!” the advisor shouted.

The general and the advisor stared each other down.

“On what authority do you belay my order?” General Tsang asked.

“The Emperor’s,” Zhen answered. “I am his right hand.”

“Perhaps you haven’t notice the horde of dead men waiting outside to eat us alive,” General Tsang said.

“Yes,” Advisor Zhen said. “But must you always answer violence with more violence?”

“It’s never failed me yet,” General Tsang said.

“I shall parlay with the man,” Advisor Zhen said.

“That’s no man,” General Tsang said.

“I will talk him out of this,” Advisor Zhen said. “I was gifted with a silver tongue and I can talk anyone into anything.”

General Tsang closed his eyes and thought upon this proposal for a moment, then looked at the fat man.

“Zhen,” General Tsang said. “I have fought villains all of my life. They do not negotiate. They do not feel remorse. They take attempts to bargain with them as a sign of weakness. As much as I have long dreamed of seeing you being ripped apart, I do not want that to happen today, and certainly not by this foe. I beg of you, do not go down there.”

“I’m going down there,” Zhen said

“Damn it,” General Tsang replied.

The general leaned over the wall. “Abomination!”

“Yes?” Dragonhand said.

“The Emperor’s advisor seeks parlay,” the general shouted. “Do I have your word no harm will come to him during the impending negotiations?”

“You have my word,” Dragonhand said.

In a lower tone of voice, General Tsang muttered, “Yeah, that and a gold piece will buy me a night in a whore house.”

The general and the advisor descended a long flight of stone steps until they reached the gate. General Tsang rested his hand on a lever.

“I am completely against this,” General Tsang said.

“I know,” Advisor Zhen said.

“He will kill you and claim your death as a victory, then proceed to lay siege to the city,” General Tsang said.

“It’s a pleasant surprise that you care so much about my wellbeing, Tsang,” the advisor said.

“Funny,” General Tsang said. “It comes a surprise to me too.

The general yanked the lever until the gate rose just enough for Zhen to squeeze under it.

“I will fix this,” Zhen said.

“Yeah,” General Tsang said as he closed the gate. “It’s been nice knowing you, fatty.”

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Zom Fu – Part 6 – Preparations

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With the tiger claw clan’s sanctuary in ruins, the ghost of Yaozu, the Nineteenth Infallible Master, dispatches his last two remaining disciples on missions in an effort to defeat the Clan of the Terrifyingly Unnatural Brain Bite.

Niu locates the Clan of the Mediocre Yet Effective Club Bonk, a group of drunken ruffians who fancy themselves kung fu experts, but know little about it and prefer to spend all their time robbing the Emperor’s tax collectors.  It will be up to Niu to train them to become a fighting force.

Meanwhile, Junjie most face a demon who has been held captive for countless millennia.

Chapter 30          Chapter 31          Chapter 32        Chapter 33          Chapter 34

Chapter 35           Chapter 36        Chapter 37         Chapter 38         Chapter 39

Chapter 40

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Vote for Your Favorite Toilet Gator

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The Toilet Gator Book Cover Design Contest is underway and thus far, the artists have submitted a plethora, a cornucopia, a virtual smorgasbord of terrifying toilet gators.  I would not want my buns on a crapper with one of these scaly fellows nearby, let me tell you.

Vote for your favorite toilet gator.

Zom Fu – Chapter 40

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The Clan of the Terrifyingly Unnatural Brain Bite cut a horrific swatch through the countryside, looting, plundering, and replenishing their numbers by converting villagers into vile, undead brain addicted beasts. Towards the end of their reign of terror, the young men of one village in particular were forced to stand for inspection.

“Look at yourselves,” Dragonhand said as he walked past a line of captives. “Weeping and cowering like children, completely unaware that I am about to turn you into the best possible version of your miserable selves. Lickspittle, has the sacrifice been made?”

The toady held up a juicy, goo dripping brain. “Yes, oh infinitely wise one. Our warrior, Quon, gave up his thinking meat so that others may revel in the glory of zom fu.”

“Excellent,” Dragonhand said as he snatched up the disgusting gray matter. “Who wants the first bite?”

The hostages appeared perplexed, surprised that their captor would even make such a ghastly suggestion. The fiend held the brain underneath the nose of the first villager, gave him a good whiff, then continued on down the line, making sure each man got a good nose full.

“I admit brains aren’t much to look at,” Dragonhand said. “And they aren’t suitable for those with a discerning palette but I assure you, once you take a bite, you’ll never want anything else.”

One of the villagers broke out into a cold sweat. “I must have it.”

“No,” another man shouted. “It’s mine!”

“That’s my brain!” a third man cried.

Dragonhand tossed the brain up into the air and caught it, as if it were a ball. He did this twice more, before letting it fall to the ground.

The captives looked at the brain, then up at Dragonhand.

“Have at it,” Dragonhand said. “But make sure you all eat a piece so that you may each learn the glories of zom fu.”

“Yes master!” the villagers shouted in unison. One by one, they dove for the brain, pummeling, biting, scratching and stomping each other just to get the slightest bit closer to their snack.

“Lickspittle,” Dragonhand said.

“Yes, oh extraordinarily brilliant one?” the toady asked.

“Don’t forget to kill them all once they’ve eaten,” Dragonhand said. “Make the cuts quick and clean. I don’t want them getting so mangled that they’re useless in a fight.”
“Of course, oh excessively amazing one,” Lickspittle said.

Dragonhand stared off toward the edge of the village, where undead warriors were busily constructed an enormous device. It consisted of a large bucket pulled back and secured to a rope, sitting on a platform with wheels.

“Lickspittle you insignificant pile of monkey vomit,” Dragonhand said.

“You called, my liege?” Lickspittle asked.

Dragonhand walked over to the device. “What is this monstrosity?”

“Do you like it, my ever so manly god on earth?” Lickspittle inquired.

“What is it?” Dragonhand asked.

“It’s a weapon of my own design, oh fantastic one,” Lickspittle said. “I call it, ‘the zombapault.’”

Dragonhand watched as one zombie sat in the bucket, smoothing out the rough parts of the wood with a hand held plane.

“What does it do?” Dragonhand asked.

“I’m glad you asked, oh indubitably handsome one,” Lickspittle said. “You see, by pulling the bucket back as far as it will go, then securing it with a rope, the device becomes capable of…”

Dragonhand lost interest in listening to his toady speak. He drew a knife, cut the rope, and watched as the catapult set the unsuspecting undead warrior hurtling several miles into the air.

“The short version is that I think it will be good for getting our warriors over the Forbidden City’s walls,” Lickspittle said.

“Astounding, Lickspittle,” Dragonhand said. “For once in your pathetic, useless, poor excuse of a life, you have managed to impress me.”

Lickpittle gushed with pride. “Oh, master. You have no idea how much that means to me.”

“Don’t let it go to your head, worm,” Dragonhand said.

“Of course not, master,” Lickspittle replied.

Master and lackey watched the previously launched warrior continue on an upward arc until he started falling down over the horizon.

“Do you think he’ll be ok?” Lickspittle asked.

“Why would I care?” Dragonhand inquired.

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Top Ten Things to Do on Valentine’s Day If You are Single

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Hey 3.5 readers.

VGRF here.

Ahh, Valentine’s Day.  That day of the year where couples celebrate their love, and single people wallow in their misery.

Have you got no sweetie to canoodle with on this February 14?  No worries.  From BQB HQ, now VGRF HQ, in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Things You Can Do on Valentine’s Day If You Are Single:

#10 – Cry

It’s natural.  It’s healthy.  It pushes toxins out of your system.  Have a ball while having a ball.  Personally, I won’t cry over…<sniff sniff> that loser BQB…<sniff>.

#9 – Hug Your Cat

Video Game Rack Fighter Cat is my fluffy valentine.  If you don’t have a fluffy valentine, maybe there’s one at the pound who would love to be yours.

#8 – Eat Lots of Ice Cream

Preferably, with the cat under one arm and the spoon in the other hand thus to maximize the total possible amounts of cat snuggling and scooping of ice cream into face hole.

#7 – Fart Freely

You’re single.  You have no one to offend.  Let ’em rip.

#6 – Foil a Super Villain’s Plot to Take Over the World

There’s always a super villain up to no good somewhere.  Also, not gonna lie, foiling a super villain is a great story to tell on a date.  You’ll definitely have a valentine next year if you foil a super villain’s plot.  Then again, I have foiled several super villain plots and I am dateless this year.  Harrumph.

#5 – Drunk Dial Exes

Pretend to be a telemarketer just so they’ll talk to you again.  Or just be quiet and listen to them breathe.  Better yet, load up Lionel Ritchie’s Hello and press play when your ex answers.

Nothing convinces an ex that they goofed up big time by letting you get away than calling them a bunch of times and having Lionel sing, “Hello…is it me you’re looking for?”

Oh wait.  They weren’t looking for you.  That’s why they are exes.  Scratch this plan.  Don’t call your exes.  You are better than this.

#4 – Invent a Fake Valentine

Send yourself roses and chocolates at work.  Sign the card from “A Secret Admirer” or pick a swarthy name like, “Ricardo Montalban.”  Just make sure no one in the office is a fan of Fantasy Island.

You’ll know the swag is from you, but your office co-workers will at least assume someone wants a piece of what you’ve got.  Enjoy the compliments all day.  Eat the chocolate and cry all night.

#3 – Declare Yourself a Jehovah’s Witness for a Day

All holidays stink because the only one we should be celebrating is Jesus.  Why are you idiots celebrating Valentine’s Day when you are too stupid to concentrate on a love related holiday and remember to love Jesus at the same time?  Bunch of dummies.

Renounce your new faith on February 15 or what the heck, you could hold onto it until St. Patrick’s Day if you prefer.

#2 – Build a Sex Robot

I took a tour of BQB’s super secret science workshop and between you and me, he has tried to make a whole ton of sex robots.  None of them work though.  They’re hot robot babes, but all they want to do is wash your hair and give you a pedicure.  BQB is the worst robot programmer ever.

#1 – Go to that Place Where That Person Said They’d Meet You

Remember when your old flame said, “If neither of us have found anyone in X number of years, then meet me at such and such monument or famous public place.”

Have X number of years passed yet?  Better get over to that place then.  Then again, you could just punish that dirtbag for not being with you when he had the chance and stand him up while you watch TV and snuggle with your cat and ice cream carton.

Are you a single person?  No, seriously, you probably are if you are reading this blog, but you know, I didn’t want to just insult you by automatically assuming.  If you are sans date this year, how will you spend this holiday?

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What’s new, 3.5?

Hey 3.5 readers.

How’s it going?  VGRF here.  I got nothing.

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