Category Archives: Uncategorized

How are you 3.5 readers?

Just checking in. Are there still 3.5 of you?

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I Haven’t Forgotten All 3.5 of You…

I’ve just been blogging more on toiletgator.com

You should go there.  You can learn about toilets, gators, and toilet gators.

BQB’s Classic Movie Reviews – Deliverance (1972)

Grab your banjo and hide your butts, 3.5 readers.

BQB here with a review of Burt Reynolds’ most critically acclaimed drama (as opposed to his many car chase movies), Deliverance.

It’s every straight man’s worst nightmare – getting forcibly butt blasted against his well by a pair of drunken redneck perverts.

Yes indeed, Hollywood has created a number of monsters over the years.  However, if you’re a straight, red blooded American male who dreams of titties and vag 24/7, the scariest, most unimaginable nightmare you can possibly think of is to be forced to “squeal like a pig” as what happened to Ned Beatty in a scene that is, frankly, hard to watch.  Honestly, you might want to fast forward through it.  I watched this movie years ago and would watch it again but for that scene that I never want to see again.

Four friends and city slickers (Burt Reynolds, Jon Voigt, Ronny Cox and Ned Beatty) go on a canoe trip to explore the great outdoors.  When they reach town, they have a banjo duel with a creepy local boy, setting the eerie tone of what is about to transpire.

At first, it’s fun.  Beer, canoeing and fishing.  Burt’s character, Lewis, is actually an experienced outdoorsman who carries the rest of the crew on his back and his scenes where he shoots bad dudes with his bow and arrow are iconic.

Long story short, one canoe gets lost.  Ned and Jon are accosted by dirty mountain man perverts who attack Ned’s tucas while Jon is forced to watch.  Lewis saves the day by shooting one of the rapists in the heart with an arrow.

Alas, the other perv escapes and stocksthe rest of the canoers as they try to make it down the river to civilization.  Ergo, the city slickers must band together to protect their lives and more importantly, their butts.  Yes.  These are manly men who will fight to the death to protect their butts from illicit invasions.

I doubt Hollywood would make this movie today.  First, it implies the South is an awful place….eh, that’s probably a debate for another post, though Hollywood has never been shy about dumping on the South.  But the main reason they wouldn’t make it again is because they’d be afraid people would assume that all homosexuals are looking to rape straight men’s butts which really is far from the truth.  Just because these particular homosexuals were butt attackers doesn’t mean all are and surely audiences can be trusted to direct their disdain at these two outliers who deviated from the field containing the vast majority of homosexuals who only engage in consensual butt related activities.

Anyway, it’s a loaded subject matter.  No, straight dudes shouldn’t fear gay dudes.  But yes, straight dudes are going to fight like hell to protect their butts when in the presence of the very occasional, not representative of the norm, gay rapist because to a straight man, getting your butt invaded by another dude is a fate worse than death.

Hollywood, if they were to remake it today, would probably have Ned Beatty’s character be scared of butt activity only for him to decide he quite enjoys it and then he celebrates the butt invasion and then he moves to the country and opens up a bed and breakfast with his attackers.

Not gonna lie.  Even by 1970s standards, the film’s a little freaky.  They probably could have just made the rednecks a couple of crazed, homicidal murderers who like to kill people and the audience would have been given the requisite sense of dread without adding the butt attack scene which really, you’ll feel like you have to bleach your brain just to forget that terrible, terrible scene.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy, but I’ll never watch it again.  Cool as Burt is with his bow and arrow, I just can’t watch Ned get butt attacked again.  Frankly, Ned should have gotten an Academy Award just for having the courage to play, as far as I know, the first male on male rape victim caught on film.  That’s some shit that even Daniel Day Lewis won’t do.

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Hurricane Florence News Coverage

BQB: Hello, welcome to the BQB Network’s hurricane news coverage.  First, because everyone at home is too dumb to imagine what heavy winds and rain look like, here’s some asshole reporter we lashed to a post in the middle of the storm.  Asshole reporter, are you there?

ASSHOLE REPORTER LASHED TO A POST: I’m here, BQB!  Boy, this hurricane sure does suck big hairy donkey balls!  As you can see, the water is rising, rising, rising but I’m at the top of this post so I should be fine for awhile and…aw shit, the water’s at my waist, isn’t it?

BQB: You’ll be fine, Asshole Reporter.  Moving on, here’s an interview with Some Dipshit Who Didn’t Listen to the Evacuation Order.

SOME DIPSHIT WHO DIDN’T LISTEN TO THE EVACUATION ORDER: Boy howdy, them government boys told me I got to leave but I said, no sirree, bob.  I am staying put in this house because my great-grandpappy built this house with his bare hands and also I will be damned if I will allow looters to abscond with my precious collection of potato chips that bear a striking resemblance to Harry S. Truman.  But I do thank the 50 emergency rescue team members who risked their lives to save me once the water got so high that I had to tap dance on top of my roof with my dog under my arm.

BQB: And here’s some Bubba who, well, we’re not making fun of him.  I mean, it sounds like we are but he’s cool so we won’t.

BUBBA: My name is Bubba Bosephus Jones and I am from Kentucky and I done come here on my own accord so I could assist authorities in saving folks with my own rowboat and I done already saved 78 old ladies, 4 cats, 3 dogs and 1 hamster.

BQB: It’s like, I want to make fun of you, because the idea of volunteering to go to help people in a disaster is silly to me, but then when I say it out loud, I realize that you’re the good person and I’m the asshole.  Anyway, let’s talk a Democrat to see the political fall out of the storm.

DEMOCRAT: Trump is a demon warlock who causes hurricanes!

BQB: And the president had this to say.

TRUMP:  I will knock out the hurricane with my own penis.  That’s right, people.  My dong is so huge that it can knock out bad weather, believe me.  The fake news media will tell you that it can’t but it totally can, believe me.

 

 

 

 

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The Last Driver Garage!

Hey 3.5 readers.

You didn’t get to be this site’s first 3.5 readers. That’s fine.  Few recognize genius in its early stages.

Toilet Gator: The Blog! already has 3 readers.  It’s not too late to become the .5th reader of that fine site.

Meanwhile, check out The Last Driver Garage

You can be the first 3.5 readers of that site.  It’s to promote my upcoming serial.  For the near future, I don’t expect to do much on either of the new blogs, but I think it will be good to establish a little web presence.

Toilet Gator: The Blog!

You probably missed out on the chance to become the first followers of bookshelfbattle.com

That’s on you.  You’ll never get over that epic fail.  I understand.

Don’t make the same mistake twice.  Be among the first to follow Toilet Gator: The Blog!

Burt Reynolds Retrospective

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“What I wouldn’t have given to smell his finger.” – Noted Blogger Bookshelf Q. Battler on the crushing loss of the notorious ladies’ man, Burt Reynolds.

Hey 3.5 readers.

As all 3.5 of you know, I am in a funk most of the time.  But one of the things that legitimately has me bummed lately is the death of noted tough guy actor and legendary poonsmith Burt Reynolds, tragically dead too young at the age of 81.  Oh, what more great movies he could have made.  Oh, what more foxy ladies he could have pleasured.  Why God, why?  Surely he deserved to live to be 100.

Now, I don’t know the exact figures, but here are some rough estimates of some BR related figures:

Number of Ladies He Pleasured: 9,091 (that’s just with his mustache when he gave free stache rides.  Most mathematicians are in agreement that the amount of vag he got busy with is incalculable by modern metrics.)

Number of Honest to God Legit Roles That Could Have Gotten Him An Oscar That He Turned Down to Do More Car Race Movies – 10,025.  Well, probably not that many.  OK, that’s a little high.  I only know of one.  He turned down the Jack Nicholson role to do “Stroker Ace” about a NASCAR driver and Jack went on to win the Oscar but damn it, Burt loved him some car chase movies.

Number of Car Chase Movies He Made – Roughly 40 million.

Anyway, like most artists, you don’t realize what you had until it’s gone and damn it, Burt was a macho, manly son of a bitch that you just don’t see around anymore, thank you, feminists.  Thanks a lot.  Shit. I’m going to grow out a feather duster on my lip right now in protest of Amazonian masterhood.

Whenever I get a chance, I’m going to wow you with some Burt posts and when I have some free time to relax, I’m going to watch some of Burt’s greatest hits and review them for you, because, and listen men, I really men this, we have got to get our balls out of the mason jars that the womenfolk have put them in and be manly men again.

Do you have a favorite Burt movie?  Discuss in the comments.

PHOTO CREDIT: Alan Light, used via Creative Commons.

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BQB’s Classic Movie Reviews – Groundhog Day (1993)

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Have you ever experienced deja vu, 3.5 readers?

Oh, and by the way, have you ever experienced deja vu?

BQB here with a review of the classic comedy, “Groundhog Day.”  SPOILERS ABOUND.

Bill Murray plays Phil, an arrogant, self-absorbed Pittsburg weatherman who can’t contain his disdain for local television, phoning it in until, he hopes, a job at a national channel will save him.  He openly mocks his job, his life, and all around him, never taking a moment to appreciate what he does have.

On one fateful day, Phil is assigned to cover the Punxatawney Phil ceremony, where a groundhog is pulled out of its hole and according to legend, if it sees its shadow, then there will be six more weeks of winter.  This is the ultimate contemptible assignment for Weatherman Phil, who despises the idea of thousands of yokels dancing around in the cold to see a rat get yanked out of a cave.

Accompanying Phil are his goofy cameraman, Chris Elliot, and his producer/love interest, Andie MacDowell, a perpetually happy woman who always sees the bright side in everything, truly Phil’s foil.

Phil can’t wait to get out of this hick town but alas, every day he wakes up and it is Groundhog Day over and over and over again.  Why?  It’s never explained.  He’s just stuck in an infinite loop, destined to live the same day for eternity.

How many Groundhog days does Phil experience?  One can never be sure, but it has got to be in the thousands at least.  This is truly an experimental film that was ahead of its time as the timeline is manipulated to comedic effect.

Phil’s reaction to his plight ranges from depression (he kills himself repeatedly only to wake up safe and sound with Sonny and Cher on the radio again and again), to greed (robbing an armored car without consequence) to lust (he questions babes about the most intimate details of their lives, then meets them fresh the next day and presents their interests as his, making them believe they’ve found their soul mate so they’ll offer instant nookie.)

Are there any lessons to be learned?  Yes.  When you are stuck in a rut, you have to do a lot of work to dig yourself out of that hole.  Phil lives the same day over and over, really, for years.  He makes mistakes.  He learns lessons.  Ultimately, when he uses his repeated day to better himself (take piano lessons) and to be kind to others (he starts spending his days finding out about the townsfolk’s problems) he finally lives one great, amazing day, spent helping the local yokels all day, only to tickle the ivories at night, impressing his lady love with his musical talent while the locals regale her with stories of Phil’s kindness.

Improve yourself.  Be kind to others and they will tell tales of your goodness, tales that will reach someone you want to impress.  This seems to be the name of the game and if only we could compact that work into one day that we get to live for years before we learn the lessons and then get to start fresh the next day.  Unfortunately, when we are stuck in a rut, we must learn those lessons, obtain those skills, do those acts of kindness for years before they pay off, we may get old and croak before any of our hard work goes noticed.

So, the name of the game is start early.  Funny, I saw this movie as a kid and didn’t heed its warnings.  Today, I feel like Phil, stuck in a rut, turning people off with my constant mockery of everything, unable to find the time needed to improve my life and impress people.

I need a Groundhog Day!  Come on, Sonny and Cher.  Get on my radio!

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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I Now Have 2,511 Followers

Thank you WordPress followers.

As I promised long ago, if I can get 3,500 WordPress followers in honor of my 3.5 readers, I will hire the chainsaw juggling guy from Fiver to do a promo video for this fine website.

I don’t understand how I can have 2,511 blog followers but only 3.5 readers.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Jim Carrey Drives Me Nuts

I love Jim Carrey.

I was a comedy nerd even when I was a kid and it was fun to see Jim’s unlikely success in the 1990s, an underdog story come to life.

In the pre-Internet days, your shot at becoming a major comedic actor was either get a gig on SNL or forget it.  Jim was turned down for SNL but managed to get on Fox’s In Living Color.  Fans of the show knew him as the white guy on In Living Color for a few years until he had a bunch of big movie roles right in a row – Ace Ventura, Pet Detective, The Mask, Batman (as the Riddler), Dumb and Dumber, the Truman Show.

Prior to all that, he grew up living poor in a van.  So it was cool to see him make it.  Made it seem like anyone can make it.

But sometimes it makes me sad when celebs do politics. He was on the Bill Maher show recently. I guess he has these strong opinions and he has a right to them, but here’s how I feel when I hear them:

JIM: We need to stop being afraid of the word, “socialism” we need to embrace it.

ME: Others who embraced the word socialism = the former Union of Soviet Socialist Republics (USSR) and the National Socialist Party of Germany (Nazis.)  More recently, it’s led to Venezuelans hunting zoo animals for zebra meat, but sure, let’s give it another try!

JIM:  We need to embrace socialism.

ME: You first, buddy.  Take your millions you made from talking out of your butt as Ace and cut a check to any one of many charities that help the poor.  How many poor kids could you send to college if you cash out your savings? And do you need that big mansion?  How many poor people can you take in?  How many refugees can we put you down for?

JIM:  We need to embrace socialism.

ME: Hey, you know what socialist countries aren’t known for? Paying millions of dollars to a man so he can talk through his butt cheeks in Ace Ventura.  In America, someone says, “Hey we can sell movies of a guy talking out of his butt!” In a socialist country, there is no job for a butt talker.  You just get to dig ditches for 12 hours and then wait in the toilet paper line for another 12 hours.  But hey you could entertain everyone else in line with your zany comedy, until you offend one of the commisars and get hauled off to the gulag because free speech?  Not really approved of in socialism.

ME AGAIN:  I get it.  People worry about the poor.  It’s a good thing to do.  Not knocking it.  And he’s right when he says that if you get sick, you shouldn’t lose your house.  And he was very poor once so he knows a thing or two about poverty…this isn’t the way though.  Socialism has never worked anywhere it has tried and it just depresses me that people still think it will work.  It’s like being that gambler who has been losing all night who by morning has liquidated the kids’ college fund, his 401k and sold his house but is still like “One more lucky roll!”

So I don’t know.  That’s it.  Jimbo has been driving me crazy lately.  Socialism is the “23” of economic systems.  The studios wouldn’t let Jim do another 23, but they’d let him do a thousand more sequels to Dumb and Dumber.  Stick with the hits.  Stick with what works.  Stick with capitalism.  Stop trying to do the same thing that’s failed a hundred times and see if it works again.

Maybe this is just what celebs do as they get older, hoping to stay relevant.  Alysa Milano is on that bandwagon too.  I spent most of the 1990s either laughing at Jim Carrey or rubbing one out to Alysa Milano and now they want to turn America into a socialist craphole.  Very sad.  Very depressing.

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