By: Douche Shark, the World’s Douchiest Shark
Editorial Note: For those just joining us, Douche Shark was born when Dr. Hugo Von Science dared to take the brain of a douche and insert it into a shark. The result? Douche Shark!
Bro. Broseph. Broski. Broheim. Bro-mo-lo-mo-ding-dong. Yo, what gives bro? I’ve been texting you all night, Brocephalitus and you’ve yet to return any of my dope ass attempts to correspond with you, bro.
Bro, I don’t think you realize how totes cool I was for interrupting my workout routine to text you all those dank memes, bro. Some dude somewhere in the world was cool enough to insert some funny text underneath a photo of Bane and then in turn, I was cool enough to send it to you. That way, when you’re at a party and you want to impress some lady sharks, you can just pull out your phone and show them all your funky fresh memes, bro.
Seriously, bro-dawg, what’s gotten into you? You’ve been ignoring me completely, bro. Even my Facebook requests, bro. I sent you like, 9,342 reminders to take care of my FarmVille farm and when I got back from my trip to get discount Guatemalan botox inserted into my fin, I find all of my crops have died and my cartoon chicken is having sex with my cartoon cow. That’s totes uncool, bro. You failed your bro. There’s nothing worse than a bro who fails a bro, bro.
And bro, while we’re having it out like a couple of bros, what’s up with you not snapping me back on snap chat? WTF, bro? I go to all the trouble of making my shark face look like a puppy and you can’t even be bothered to hit me back with a simple message like, “Oh, that’s really cool that you made your shark face look like a puppy, bro. Good looking out.”
Seriously bro. We need to talk. That’s why I called you like seven hundred times in the hopes of having an actual voice conversation, even though that practice is totes ancient and like no one even does it anymore, bro. But that’s how much I care, bro. And it’s like you don’t even care anymore, bro.
Bro, why don’t we work out anymore? I sent you like a thousand texts asking you to come spot me at the shark gym. But you never came, bro. I had to spot myself. Then I had to rub shark lotion into my shark muscles all by myself.
Bro, I don’t know what’s up with you. Maybe you need to switch energy drinks, bro. Maybe you need to get out more and get down with some more fine ass lady sharks, bro. Maybe you need more of that Axe body spray for shark bodies. I got a few cases I could spare you, bro.
All I know is you need to start stepping up your bro game, because this is not how bros treat other bros, so if you don’t start becoming a better bro, then I’m gonna have to replace you with a new bro in my bro posse, bro.
I’m just sayin’ bro, I’m just sayin.’ I don’t want to, but I am. Someone’s gotta be real, bro. Someone’s gotta be real and if you were really my bro then you’d know I keep it real, bro. I totes legit keep it hella real.