Tag Archives: Movies

Dec 24 2016
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Movies

Movie Review – Passengers (2016)

J-Law!  Chris Pratt!  Chris Pratt’s gratuitous ass! (I swear it did nothing for me).

BQB here with a review of Passengers.

So, 3.5 readers, do you know how technology rarely works?

I mean, it works great for a little while but sooner or later it breaks down, develops a bug, has something go wrong with it and after you exhaust yourself with tech support and trying everything you can think of to fix it, you eventually pull your hair out and give up, resigning yourself to the fact that you’ll have to just live with a shitty piece of equipment until you can afford to buy a new one which…will eventually break down?

As it turns out, technology isn’t that much different in the future.  Unlike the sleek, always operational ships in Star Trek, the Homestead Corporation’s ship totally sucks.

Five-thousand passengers are suspended in hyper sleep for a hundred and twenty year trip to a new planet, Homestead II.

Unfortunately, technology sucks in the future just as it does now, as Jim Preston (Pratt) and Aurora Lane (Jennifer Lawrence) wake up way too early with ninety years left before they reach their new home world.

In other words, they’re stuck in a ship for life, with no way to fulfill their dreams, doomed to wander the craft’s metal halls, perpetually bored forever with all of their plans out the window.

I must admit, I didn’t expect much out of this film going into it so I was pleasantly surprised by its awesomeness.  Even though there are only two characters (four if you count Michael Sheen as Arthur the bartending Android and Laurence Fishburne as someone but I can’t tell you who yet), there are plenty of epic twists and turns as well as some fabulous special effects.

As I sat there watching it, I thought to myself, “Yeah!  My laptop, TV, and cell phone all worked for about five minutes after I took them out of the box so I could totally see my sleep pod malfunctioning and leaving me to live out my life on a ship!”

See?  Technology sucks, even in the future.

Hyper sleep has long been a staple of sci-fi space travel films.  Interstellar, for example, opened our eyes to the concept that theoretically, it would be possible for a space craft to make it out into deep space as long as there is a way to preserve the human travelers, otherwise they’d live out their lives and die in transit so what’s the point?

But this is the first film (that I know of) to utilize hyper sleep as a big plot device.  While there are moments of comedy as Pratt and J-Law plead for help from pre-programmed, bureaucratic robots who assure them that it is impossible for them to be awake, the film is also a drama, a love story, and a suspense thriller all rolled into one.

Faulty technology, incompetent tech support help and a corporation that doesn’t plan for things going wrong?  Yeah, this film may be set in the future, but it does feel like life in 2016.  Somehow, it seems more plausible than Star Trek.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  Worth seeing on the big screen.  Excellent date movie.  Women, stop looking at Chris Pratt’s ass.  Chris Pratt, stop showing everyone your ass.  I bet no one even asked you to show it, you were all just like, “I’m gonna let my cheeks flap in the breeze!”

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Dec 20 2016
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Movies

Home Alone Wouldn’t Hold Up Today Because of Harry and Marv

Hey 3.5 readers.

Me again with another Home Alone observation.

So, when this movie came out in 1990, the general consensus among the public was that if you were in someone else’s home and you weren’t supposed to be there, then you deserved to get bashed in the face with a paint can, get a nail through your foot, get your head burnt with a blow torch, get a tarantula dropped on you, get shot in the penis with a BB gun, break your back by slipping and falling on ice and toy cars, have your hand burned and so on.

I should know because I was a kid who saw this film in the theater and let me tell you – white, black, young, old, rich, poor, conservative, liberal, or what have you, every one was laughing at those two and the general consensus was those two got what was coming to them and good for Kevin for giving it to them.

Sigh.  I feel bad there is so much division today when in 1990, we all were able to come together and agree that burglers deserve to be tortured mercilessly and caused multiple life threatening injuries by precocious children.

Today?  Eh, people feel sorry for criminals today.  If Hollywood ever remakes the movie, they might either scrap the abuse received by Harry and Mary altogether, or at the very least, they’d devote a portion of the film to explaining how “the Wet Bandits” turned to a life of crime.

You see, in the 1990 film, Harry and Marv were one-dimensional caricatures of criminals, a pair of incompetent bumbling buffoons who found great joy in ripping people off all day.

In a remake, you’d probably learn that Harry and Marv used to be pillars of the community, but alas they lost their jobs, couldn’t find work and ended up burgling houses in order to save up enough money to buy second-hand suits to wear to job interviews.

Kevin would feel bad for misjudging the poor souls.  He’d give them a meal and some of his Dad’s old suits and hide them from the cops and let them live in his basement until they find jobs and become pillars of the community again.

Either that, or Kevin would be sued by greedy trial lawyers for all the damage he did to Harry and Marv.

“Your honor, my clients were just a couple of poor men who fell on hard times and while they are truly sorry for burgling the McAllister home, did they really deserve the brain damage they were caused by taking those paint cans to the face?  I think not.”

Hey, if it is any consolation, this movie started a Joe Pesci-renaissance.  This movie was the first time I ever saw Pesci in anything.  He’d been in a lot of films before but then after Home Alone he pretty much got a part in like every 1990s gangster movie, so there’s some trivia for you.

What say you, 3.5?

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Dec 18 2016
5 Comments
Movies

I Feel Like the Parents Could Have Done a Better Job of Calling Someone to Help in Home Alone

 

Everyone I talk to about the movie is always like “Why didn’t the parents do this or that” but if you haven’t seen the film in a while, they do tie up a lot of loose ends:

  • The phone lines go out so the parents can’t call Kevin directly.
  • All the neighbors leave for the holidays so there aren’t any neighbors to call.
  • Obviously, the parents call the police, but the cops are parodied as incompetent donut munchers who aren’t helpful.
  • One wonders why they didn’t call the elderly neighbor that the kids think murdered his entire family.  I realize a person rumored to have murdered his entire family probably wouldn’t be your first choice to help your kid but one would think the McAllister parents would have been wiser than the kids and would have known that the old man is just a grumpy old man and not a murderer.
  • So if your local police department won’t help, wouldn’t the parents have called the state police, the FBI, or just keep calling law enforcement agencies until someone locates Kevin?
  • Is there no adult in the area they could have called?
  • What about the mayor’s office or the governor’s office or something?
  • Does Kevin go to school?  What about like calling the school and see if they’d talk to the police to do more?
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Dec 18 2016
8 Comments
Movie Reviews

What was your favorite film of 2016?

3.5 readers, what was your favorite movie of 2016?  Have I reviewed it yet?

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Dec 17 2016
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Movies

Introducing the Shelfies – BQB’s Best Films of 2016

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I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler but for some reason, I review movies and rarely review books anymore.

Oh well.  We all have our idiosyncrasies.  Had I know what I was going to do on this blog when I started, would have called myself, “Moviescreen J. Watcher.”

But that would have been ridiculous.

In the spirit of, “Everybody Gets a Trophy Day,” I’m going to give every film I reviewed in 2016 an award of some sort, so enjoy.

 

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Dec 17 2016
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Movies

BQB’s Short Review of Star Wars: Rogue One (2016)

Hey 3.5 readers.

So, as a good nerd, I’ll wait a few days until you all get a chance to see it although honestly, if you wait past the first weekend then you are not a nerd.

My quick impression is that this movie is tight and legit.  A bit darker and grittier than we are used to seeing in Star Wars though still family friendly because, you know, Disney.

In my opinion, it’s better than the prequels and last year’s The Force Awakens.

I particular enjoyed the sassy android and Darth Vader, well, I won’t spoil it.

Damn it.  The baby boomers got the original movies.  Millennials get this fine film.  What did Generation X get?  Jar Jar Binks!  Generation X screwed again!

Seriously though, go see it on the big screen.  You won’t be disappointed.

May the force be with all 3.5 of you.

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Dec 15 2016
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Movies

Movie Trailer – Transformers: The Last Knight (2017)

Humans and Transformers are at war and Mark Wahlberg and Anthony Hopkins are involved.

Also, Optimus Prime may have become a douche-bot.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Dec 15 2016
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Movies

The Fate of the Furious Trailer (2017)

Jump in your ride and crank up the rap music, 3.5 readers.

It’s time to check out the new Fate of the Furious trailer.

I have literally lost track of how many of these films have been made now.

They began in the early 2000s but were ahead of their time.  They needed CGI to catch up with them, not to mention a little sprinkling of The Rock’s film franchise resurrection powers.

Fast Five, where they took the show down to Rio, will always be my favorite, mainly because it was the one where it was like, “Hey after four movies I think we figured out a winning formula!”

Anyway, you’ve got the fast cars, the non-stop rap songs, the fight scenes, the gratuitous booty…it’s all a young man’s wet dream or, if you’re like me and refuse to grow old in spirit (because my body’s agreed to get old) then you love them too.

It looks like Dom betrays his team of early 2000s rappers and works with Charlize Theron, who is hotter than ever.  I assume we’ll get some sort of explanation.

I dunno.  These films are fun to bust on but you know you’ll all be there front row with popcorn in hand.  I know I will.

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Dec 14 2016
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Movies

Who Is Ready for Star Wars: Rogue One this Friday?

Hey 3.5 Scruffy Looking Nerf Herders.

Your old pal BQB Solo here.

Just an informal poll, who is looking forward to the new Star Wars movie this Friday?

As nerds, what needs to be in the film to make you happy?

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Dec 13 2016
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Movies

Top Ten Observations After Watching A Christmas Story (1983)

Hey 3.5 readers.

I’ve seen this movie a million times since childhood and happened to watch it again recently.  It’s funny how the older your get, the more things you notice.

Thus, without further ado, and I have to do this quick before the Yeti finds out, it’s my Top Ten Observations About A Christmas Story (1983).

#10 – Life is Hard

Yeah, obvious, but still, I notice this more as an adult than I did as a kid.  As a kid I just thought Ralphie’s father was an old grumpy bastard.  Now I know why he’s old and grumpy.  You work all day and then come home to a house where shit breaks every five minutes and you have to spend all your free time fixing it because if you can’t then you have to shell out some of that money you worked so hard for.  No wonder the old man swears so much.  Consarn it rabbin blast it!

#9 – Baby Boomers Love Cowboys

Cowboys to baby boomers are what Transformers/GI Joe were to Generation X and Avengers and Spongebob Squarepants and Complaining About Literally Everything were/are to Millennials. Ralphie was a little baby boomer kid.  He grew up watching cowboy movies.  He wants to get a Red Ryder BB gun so he can pretend to be a cowboy.  Shooting his eye out is not a concern, though it really should be.  Which brings us to…

#8 – Parents Coddle More

May be a good thing in some instances and not so good in other cases.  Honestly, I have no idea a parent could give a BB gun to a kid and not suddenly worry about, well yes, not just the kid shooting his eye out but also the ensuing hospital bills and having to take care of the kid when he is an adult because his employment prospects will be limited due to his one eye.  Also – lawsuits and shit in the event Ralphie shoots some other kid in the eye.  Back in the old days, Ralphie’s father could have just settled up with another injured kid’s father with either fisticuffs or cash on the barrel head but now the lawyers ruin everything.  Thanks lawyers.

#7 – Poor Flick

Flick gets his tongue stuck to the flag pole.  (Never lick a flag pole, especially during the winter, but seriously, there’s no reason for you to lick a flag pole at any time of the year, weirdo).

As soon as the firemen and cops get Flick unstuck, he immediately returns to class with a bandaged up tongue.

Today, the kid would be out of school at least a month in order to go on all the TV shows that would want to interview him on account of his story as the flag pole licker going viral on social media.  Surely a Kickstarter would be started to pay for his tongue repair bills.

He’d be branded for life as the flag pole licker but at least he’d get to host SNL or throw out the first pitch at a baseball game or something.

#6 – Little Orphan Annie Decoder Ring

Do orphans even exist now?  Annie would be like “Little Foster Child Annie” or something.  But yes, I sympathize with Ralphie when he drinks a shit ton of Ovaltine just to win a decoder ring that allows him to decode a message that urges him to “drink more Ovaltine.”

In short, Madison Avenue has been hoodwinking kids with advertising gimmicks for years.

Also, Ovaltine isn’t bad.  You can still find it in stores.  It’s just chocolate milk mix with vitamins in it and shit.  Delicious.

#5 – Kids Choke Up When They See Santa

You see it in the Santa scene but it happens in real life too.  The kid waits and waits and waits in line to see Santa and then when he gets up there on Santa’s lap, he starts crying then chokes worse than the Cleveland Indians.

What?  Too soon?  My bad.

Kudos to Ralphie for at least having the guts to climb back up the slide and demand his Red Ryder.

#4 – Having a Sibling is a Pain in the Ass

In some ways, having a sibling is a good thing.  Your sibling is your introduction to the concept that the world doesn’t revolve around you and that someone will always be there to criticize you and complain about you and take shit from you no matter what you do.

Don’t like that your brother stole your toy, ate the last cookie, or changed the TV channel? Good luck when you grow up and your boss wants to downsize your department, your company wants to lay you off and your wife wants to see other people but still wants to keep seeing your bank account.

#3 – Bullies Are Also a Pain in the Ass

Scott Farkus is a dick.  And while he probably deserved a slap, he is just a kid himself and didn’t really deserve an epic beat down.  Ralphie lost his cool.  When he gets his senses back, he realizes he should have just walked away and feels bad.  Hooray.  Ralphie learns from his mistakes and won’t grow up to become a serial killer now that he knows right from wrong.

#2 – Siblings Stick By You

Yes, they are pains in the ass.  Yes, Randy laughs at Ralphie’s failures.  But, when the chips are down, Randy hides in the cupboard and cries because he is certain his dear brother will meet his demise when his father hears about the big fight.  That’s love.

#1 – Things Aren’t Always Bad As They Seem

Ralphie cries all afternoon, certain his father will go off on him when he learns about the fight.  Luckily, Ralphie’s mother knows just how to handle Ralphie’s father.  She mentions it in passing as if it is no big deal and as part of a whole series of subjects, then quickly switches the subject to a story about a football game in the paper.  Thus, she’s told her husband so he can’t complain about not knowing about it later.  However, the old man is tired and his mind can only handle so many subjects, so he sees his wife doesn’t seem to be too worried and Ralphie is still alive so he doesn’t care and returns to his paper.

Adults have too much adult shit to worry about, kids.

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