Category Archives: Movie Reviews

Movie Review – Deadpool 2

Is the second verse as good as the first?

Time to make the chimichangas, 3.5 readers. BQB here with a review of “Deadpool 2.”

It’s hard for me to say anything disparaging about this movie, 3.5 readers.  The first film was witty, clever, funny and all in all and left me with that feeling of, “Wow, I’ve just seen something new and different.”

Thus, when you go to watch a sequel, there’s often a feeling that maybe the guild is off the lilly and in a way, that’s true.  You’ve met Ryan Reynolds’ Deadpool now and you know what he’s capable of, both in terms of action and hilarity.  So while that “new car smell” isn’t there anymore, you still expect a quality ride and that is delivered.

In this go-around, Deadpool, the merc with the mouth, finds himself in the unenviable position of being an X-Man trainee, short shirt and all.  While working with his old pals Colossus (Stefan Kapicic) and Negasonic Teenage Warhead (Briana Hildebrand), he comes across the chubby and angry, wayward adolescent Russell/Fire Fist (Julian Dennison), who has been making mischief with his fire shooting hands and can’t seem to be controlled by anyone.

Enter Cable (Josh Brolin), a grizzled soldier from a future where Russell has wreaked havoc on earth with his power.  He wants the kid dead, but Deadpool believes the boy can be redeemed.

Thus, our favorite trash talker in red creates “a super duper fucking group” featuring a wide ranging cast of characters I won’t get into other than to say that Zazie Beetz is a delight as Domino, the somewhat naive super hero whose one and only power is luck…marvel as trucks seem to crash just in time to avoid hitting her, there’s always a soft surface for her to land on when she falls and so on.  In a way, she’s a parody of every hero who manages to always narrowly miss a bullet, a collision or what have you.

It’s a great film – lots of action, lots of laughs.  Lots of inside jokes that you need to be a comic book nerd to get – i.e. Deadpool spends considerable amounts of time screwing with Professor X’s helmet and wheel chair, and continues to make Hugh Jackman and Ryan Reynolds as Green Lantern jokes galore.

The test of a good comedy for me is if I laugh uncontrollably and here, I did several times.  So, I do feel bad for pointing out that we’ll probably never get that crisp, fresh out of the wrapper feeling with Deadpool again, but the film doesn’t disappoint.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.

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Movie Review – Game Night (2018)

Game night gone awry!

BQB here with a review of “Game Night.”

This is pretty much a standard “big misunderstanding” comedy.  Max and Annie (Justin Bateman and the ever boner inducing Rachel McAdams) host weekly game nights, where the couples they are friends with (Lamorne Morris and Kylie Bunbury as Kevin and Michelle; Billy Magnusson and as Ryan and Sharon Horgan as Sarah) play the classics – Pictionary, Risk, Clue, charades, trivia and so on.

On one fateful night, Max’s brother, Brooks (Kyle Chandler) joins in on the fun.  Max feels threatened as Brooks has always been more confident, charming and successful than he could hope to be.

Always the over achiever, Max kicks game night up a notch.  He hires a murder mystery acting troupe to stage a fake kidnapping – a caper that the game night posse will have to solve.

Naturally…dun dun dun…a real kidnapping occurs before the fake kidnappers arrive and the gang will have to bungle their way through the movie, thinking that everything and everyone they encounter next is one great, big elaborate joke even though they are all in extreme danger.

Bateman and McAdams are well-preserved, convincing me they are a young couple trying to have a baby even though the expiration date sticker on that proverbial milk carton – if it hasn’t fallen off yet, is definitely starting to peel.  McAdams remains one of my favorite, all-time actress crushes and if she ever wants to marry the owner of a blog that is only read by 3.5 readers she should have her people contact my people.

Morris and Bunbury are a cute young African American couple, attempting to navigate through the mystery gone bad while having an ongoing argument (early on it is revealed Bunbury’s character once slept with a celebrity and Morris is beside himself over this.)

As for Magnusson and Horgan…the joke here is that Magnusson is a wayward, studly womanizer who just runs through women like water, bringing another ditzy bimbo to game night every week.  On this particular game night, he brings a higher quality, more intelligent woman and we wonder if this means Ryan will get over his pervy ways to grab a winner…and sadly, SPOILER ALERT…we are left to wonder as this part of the plot is left to flap in the breeze.

Meanwhile, Jesse Plemons banks on the creepiness he displayed in “Breaking Bad,” here as a creepy neighbor who has been ex-communicated from game night, but it makes him very displeased, as he wants back in.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  We’re in a time period where comedy is dying, but Hollywood made a pretty standard fun time here.  It’s not a gutbuster, but there are a few good laughable moments.  It’s a good time, there is some good action and there is a pretty awesome scene where the gang runs around the mansion trying to outrun baddies while catching a MacGuffin and it appears from my untrained eye that it was all filmed in one take – impressive given all the moving parts in the scene.  Worth a rental.

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Movie Review – The Enforcer (1976)

Lady police officers!  What’ll they think of next?

I promised you 3.5 readers a review of all the “Dirty Harry” movies and I’ll get there slowly but surely.  BQB here with a review of the third installment of the series.

It’s a shame that Dirty Harry gets stereotyped in the annals of movie history as a close minded, chauvinist pig…when in reality, he (or perhaps I should say his real life alter ego, Clint Eastwood) made what could very well be the movie that makes the case for women in law enforcement.

Our tale begins when Harry is taken off the street and forced to serve on the department’s hiring committee (punishment for foiling a store robbery by driving a car, well, into the store, and over the hoodlums in the process.)

Here, he meets Officer Kate Moore (Tyne Daly in an early role).  It becomes clear that the rest of the committee wants to push Moore through the process and get her on the street as a full fledged detective pronto in order to fill a quota mandated by the Mayor (i.e. the force must have so many female detectives).

Clint, on the other hand, is repulsed by the idea – not that a woman might be a detective but that a green, inexperienced woman might become one.  Moore has only ever worked in the police’s records department and while the other members of the committee throw her softball questions, Clint, in his trademark, teeth gritting, vein bulging out of his forehead way, holds out his hand as if it were a gun and asks Moore, “What are you going to do when somebody points a gun at you and says, ‘Hit the deck, you son of a bitch?'”

Ironically, while Dirty Harry is often thought of in the public eye as the poster boy for racist cops, he works with partners of different races throughout the series, never blinking an eye.  The only thing he cares about is if they get the job done.  Typically, they do, and it’s made clear Harry appreciates them for it.

Meanwhile, Harry despises incompetence.  He has no patience for it and doesn’t suffer fools lightly.  Ergo, there’s a chubby white detective who, throughout the first three films, Harry nicknames, “Too Much Linguini,” lambasting the cop for eating himself to the point where he can’t do his job effectively and gets worn out if he has to climb a fence or chase a bad guy.

In short, if you’re a good cop, Harry’s happy to have you as his partner.  If you suck, he’d rather not have you around.  Race or sex doesn’t matter.

As the film progresses, Harry and Moore partner up to take the terrorist group down.  Slowly but surely, Moore proves herself to be effective and competent.  What she lacks in experience, she makes up for in heart and a drive to succeed.  She wants no special treatment from Harry which is good because he isn’t giving any.

I hate to give away a spoiler, but the most heroic scene in the film goes not to Eastwood, who could have demanded it, since he was a bankable box office draw at the time, but to Moore who saves the day.  I assume the point is if you lack experience, then you at least have to have the guts to throw yourself into the fray and risk life and limb even though you don’t know what you’re doing.  Fake it till you make it.

Conversely, the saddest part of the movie proves Harry to be prophetic – Moore could have used more training on the street as a beat cop, getting some experience going up against petty crooks before being promoted to being a homicide detective, a job that requires going after some of the worst killers and psychopaths imaginable.

The movie definitely sparks a debate.  Women should be able to be cops and should be considered for detective positions.  However, the desire to be able to say “We have women detectives because we’re so PC!” shouldn’t trump basic common sense – i.e., Harry most likely was a beat cop for many years.  He probably had punks take swings at him, take shots at him, dealt with all kinds of low level scumbags and learned to keep his cool and be on the look out for danger around ever corner.  When he scoffed at Moore in her interview, he wasn’t trying to say she shouldn’t be a detective ever because she’s a woman, but that she shouldn’t be a detective today, because she should be on the street awhile first.

Then again, there’s room for the argument, “Well, if you don’t let women get the experience then how can they ever move up?”  That’s true, and perhaps Harry could have calmed down a little and said something like, “Hey hiring committee, I know you want to have women detectives, but there’s no sense putting greenhorns out there, so perhaps we can make an effort to get more police women on the beat and into cruisers, give them experience before they take on the worst.”

But alas, Harry doesn’t always find the right words when he’s mad.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  It splits the women in the workforce argument in half – yes, they should be able to do what they want, but no, they shouldn’t be waved on through, especially when its a job where lives are on the line.

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Movie Review – Beauty and the Beast (2017)

Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme…etcetera, etcetera…

BQB here with a review of Disney’s latest adaptation of a classic story about bestiality and Stockholm Syndrome.


3.5 readers, do you what the hallmark of a great salesman is?

The ability to sell you something you’ve already bought before.

Animation was once the last true bastion of creativity.  If you could imagine it, animators could draw it, no matter how ludicrous.  Today, that’s all changed thanks to CGI as it is now possible to make live action films that are just as ingenious as their animated counterparts.

And with live action remakes of their classic animated tales (Cinderella, Pete’s Dragon are just two recent ones that come to mind), Disney is making big bucks.

I presume that the cryogenically preserved head of Walt Disney, which still runs the company by the way, is laughing his way to the bank…or at least he would…if he weren’t just a head.

Anyway, at the outset, this movie is beautiful.  Emma Watson shines in her first really big post Harry Potter role as Belle.  Yes, I know she’s been in films since Harry but honestly, can you name any of them?  Didn’t think so.  Between this and The Circle with Tom Hanks, Emma is having a good year.

Kevin Kline, a blast from the 1980s past when he and his mustache were big and second only to Tom Selleck, is great as Belle’s father, Maurice.

Meanwhile, it’s a veritable Who’s Who of British celebrities playing French servants because our American minds here a British person speak and we instantly think, “European” and therefore it doesn’t matter if the actor is not French.

Highlights of the servant turned household item cast include Ian McKellan as Cogsworth, Ewan McGregor as Lumiere and Emma Thompson as Mrs. Potts.  German actress Audra McDonald brings her musical stylings to the singing wardrobe, Madame Garderobe while Stanley Tucci plays the piano (as in he literally plays the role of a piano), Maestro Cadenza.

Yes, it’s a tale as old as time, but new life is breathed to the animated cartoon.  We’re given a little bit more of an understanding as to why Gaston is such a villain, as well as more of an explanation as to how a beautiful young woman falls in love with a giant frigging hairy sasquatch man.

Luke Evans captures Gaston in all of his “in love with himself” glory.  Meanwhile, Josh Gad plays a super gay version of LeFou.  Whereas in the animated cartoon, LeFou was just a sniveling toady to Gaston, this version of LeFou clearly wants access to Gaston’s butt.

What?  What?!  That’s not PC to say that?  Sheesh.  I can’t keep up with all the rules anymore.

I mean, obviously LeFou doesn’t come right out and ask for access to Gaston’s butt.  However…the back rubs, the ear massages, the longing stares…LeFou wants Gaston’s butt.

This actually leads me to think maybe Walt Disney’s frozen head isn’t in charge anymore, as he probably would not approve of such a thing.

It’s an interesting development to say the least.  As far as controversies go, this one kind of fizzles out.  Gaston and LeFou don’t come right out and play a game of pitcher vs. catcher or anything, but it’s definitely a shot across the bow from Disney in which they are testing the waters to see whether or not all hell would break loose if they were to make a movie with a gay lead character.

As this is a not a political blog, I’m not going to touch that one.  All I know is…LeFou wants Gaston’s butt.

Arguably, LeFou wanting Gaston’s butt is not even the most controversial part of this movie.  After all, it is a story about a kidnapped woman who falls in love with her captor, a dog monster, thus promoting Stockholm Syndrome, abusive relationships, and bestiality.

Also, and I can’t say this enough, Gaston is the true hero, both in the animated version and the live action adaptation.  I mean, all the dude wants to do is slay the Beast and knock boots with Belle.  Belle gets kidnapped by a hairy dog monster and she doesn’t even thank the guy that’s trying to rescue her.  The nerve of some people.

Still, the tale that is as old as time does hold up after all these years.  Ultimately, the message is to not judge a book by its cover.  A handsome prince who treats ugly people like crap gets his comeuppance by becoming a super ugly beast, suffers for years as an ugly beast, learning how all the ugly people must have felt when he treated them like crap.  Eventually, he learns to not be such a jerk face and is rewarded with the love of a hot studious French chick.

Sadly, like most things in life, it falls apart after closer inspection.  Are we really to believe that Belle would love the Beast if there wasn’t a chance that he might turn into a handsome Prince?  Would Belle still love the Beast if he weren’t rich as all get out and the owner of a fat ass castle?

I mean, hell, women say they’d never touch an ugly guy all the time but then they usually do if the ugly guy has money.  Something tells me Belle wouldn’t stick around if the Beast was destined to remain a Beast forever while living in a rent controlled inner city apartment or in a trailer park in the middle of nowhere.

But then again, I am cynical.  Perhaps I am like the Beast, super jaded for no one will ever love me due to my super ugliness.  Maybe we are all like the Beast in one way or the other.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  Worth a trip to the theater.  LeFou wants Gaston’s butt.

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What was your favorite film of 2016?

3.5 readers, what was your favorite movie of 2016?  Have I reviewed it yet?

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Movie Review – Hell or High water (2016)

Bank robbers. Sadness. Landscapes. Intergenerational poverty.

BQB here with a review of Hell or High Water.

SPOILER ALERT – Be forewarned of spoilers.

Chris Pine and Ben Foster team up as brother bankrobbers Toby and Tanner Howard in a scheme to rob and screw over a Texas bank chain that screwed them.

However, despite Chris and Ben’s performances, the state of Texas is the star.  Some great cinematography in this film where you, the viewer, end up feeling as though you’re practically driving through the Lone Star state yourself and able to look around the flat plains and see land for miles and miles in every direction.

We’re also taken into the world of poor southern life and poverty in general, how problems are passed from one generation to the next and it usually takes one generation to do something pretty drastic (bank robbery is definitely too drastic) to change the situation for the family’s future.

I don’t know what a good example of a drastic change would be to change a family’s financial future.  Maybe inventing robot underpants or some great new gadget that sells well.

Sorry. That was out of left field. Moving on…

There are a lot of themes in this movie, as well as attempts to get viewers to pay attention to problems they may not be aware of.

For example, we see the blight and decay facing many poor Texan towns, communities that used to thrive around farming and ranching, now falling apart and losing population because there are few, if any, opportunities left due to corporate takeover of many of these industries.

The banking industry is the villain of the film as Toby and Tanner are put through enough crap in their lives that you end up sort of understanding (though not necessarily condoning) why they end up driven to a life of crime.

Hunting the brothers down are Texas rangers Marcus Hamilton (Jeff Bridges) and Alberto Parker (Gil Birmingham.)

I won’t explain this well because I don’t know about how Texas lawmen are ranked but ultimately, Marcus is the head ranger, lamenting his upcoming retirement and Alberto is his second-in-command, slated to replace him as the boss.

They have this great buddy cop, love to pick on each other bromance that in my mind, may go down as one of the top (and most heartwarming) bromances in movie history.

Marcus makes mean, highly politically incorrect jokes about Alberto’s Mexican and Native American heritage.  Alberto returns the favor by joking about how he can’t wait for Marcus to croak.  There’s definitely love there.

And the thing about good writing is by the end of the movie, you find yourself hoping that some how everyone will win.  You want the brothers to get away. You also want the rangers to catch them.

Fear not, I won’t tell you what happens.

Instead, what I will tell you is that some how, some way, and much to my surprise as an ugly rights advocate (note my many columns on the #OscarsSoPretty movement in which I demand that the Academy nominate more visually displeasing actors and actresses), Hollywood suits were prevented from filling up this film with good looking people.

Chris Pine is basically the only one in the film that could win a beauty contest.  (I assume there’s a requirement that all movies must have at least one over the top good looking person in them.)

Now, I’m not dumping on the rest of the cast when it comes to looks.  Ben Foster, for example, has built his career on playing psychos and true to form, he looks and comes off as one in this movie.

And Jeff Bridges looks good for an old dude and I can only assume he bagged his fair share of chicks when he was in his prime. Hell, for all I know maybe he still is.

I’m talking about the extras.  Watch this movie and look at the bars, the casino, all the people who are either in the background or maybe have a line or two – many are ugly (or well, to put it in more PC language, “not traditionally good looking”).

Instead, many of them look haggard, broken down, depressed, like they’ve lived lifetimes of woe and misery as poor Texans and it shows on their faces.

I don’t know how they did it. Maybe they put out a casting call for people who look like all their dreams have failed.  Surprised I didn’t get a CC on that memo.

But that’s not all.  What really warmed the cockles of my heart was that hot and chubby actress Katy Mixon (you may know her as Mrs. Kenny Powers in Eastbound and Down) is featured as a love interest to Chris Pine.  Chris friggin’ Pine.

Just…I mean…holy shit, people. I don’t think you understand how big this is for Hollywood.

A movie was made in which epically handsome stud muffin Chris Pine played a character that fancied a chubby woman.

Sure, they found the hottest chubby woman available but still, this is great progress for Hollywood.

CUE THE RE-ENACTMENT

HOLLYWOOD SUIT #1 – Sir, we need you to approve this film that features Chris Pine taking a romantic interest in a chubby woman.

HOLLYWOOD SUIT #2 – How fat are we talking here? Orca fat or had a little too much on Thanksgiving and could get rid of it with a few months at the gym fat?”

HOLLYWOOD SUIT #1 – The latter.

HOLLYWOOD SUIT #2 – How’s her face?

HOLLYWOOD SUIT #1 – Hot face. Hottest chubby chick we could find.

HOLLYWOOD SUIT #2 – Approved. Ugly rights advocate BQB will literally shit his pants in the theater when he sees this.

And I did. I feel bad for the movie theater clean up crew. Those aren’t milk duds.

It is now only a matter of time before they cast a hideous gargoyle like me as a love interest for Charlize Theron.

Eh…ok.  We’re not quite there yet. Baby steps, Hollywood. Baby steps.

Be optimistic, ugly and/or chubby people.  We will see ugly and or/chubby people doing it with good looking people on screen by the year 2050 now that the path towards ugly acceptance has been started by this film.

There are traces of Oscar worthiness in this film.  If it were to be nominated as a Best Picture, I think that would be great. On the other hand, it was released kind of early. Most Oscar type movies are released at the end of the year.

So we’ll see.  But even so, it is, IMO, the best movie I’ve seen in 2016 (at least when it comes to serious drama as opposed to comic book type movies) thus far.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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Movie Review – Don’t Breathe (2016)

Crime doesn’t pay, kids.

No joke.  An old ass man might literally chase you around his house for two hours if you try to steal his pay.

BQB here with a review of the horror thriller, Don’t Breathe.

Its ok 3.5 readers.  You can breathe.  But the SPOILERS might leave you breathless.

God I’m such a hack.

Rocky, Alex and Money (Jane Levy, Dylan Minnette and Daniel Zovatto, respectively) are a trio of teenage house robbers.

Their latest target is an elderly blind man, a war veteran rumored to have a ton of cash stashed in his house.

Seems like an easy enough job but…nope…for a blind man this guy sure has some deadly ass skills and the kids end up taking on a lot more than they bargained for.

I can’t tell you much more than that or else I risk blowing the whole movie for you.

In some ways, its a standard horror movie. A lot of “Oh no! Don’t go in there!” and so on.

But, there is some originality in that the baddie is blind.  There’s a lot of skulking about the dark, scenes shot in night vision as the kids move inches away from their opponent without him realizing and so on.

Jane Levy might be the breakout star here.  She looks and sounds a lot like 1990s in her prime Reese Witherspoon, at least in my opinion anyway.

Stephen lang is scary as shit as “the blind man.”  Lang often plays military men, the two that come to mind being the roles he played in Avatar and Terra Nova.

PRO:  Some scary moments, shocks, surprises.

CON:  More brutality on screen than I’d like to see.  I prefer on-screen violence to be cartoonish and unlikely, rather than to see people being pummeled (which sadly, happens too often in real life.)

Oh, and uh…there was one part where it sort of jumps the shark. I don’t want to give it away but I found myself blurting out, “Oh come on!”

Add me to the list of worst moviegoers. I’m a spontaneous blurter.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy

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Movie Review – Sausage Party (2016)

“Once you see that shit, it will f%$k you up for life.”

So said the talking twinkie and I gotta be honest, he wasn’t kidding.

If you see this movie, it might very well f%*k you up for life.

But then again, if you saw the trailer and went anyway, you were probably f%&ked up to begin with.

That doesn’t say much about me since I saw the trailer and went to it anyway.

SPOILER ALERT – I can’t really discuss it without spoiling it so, if you’re worried about that, read no further.

BQB here with a review of Seth Rogen’s R rated animated film, Sausage Party.

I’m just gonna throw it out there.

Seth was no doubt smoking some very potent cannabis when he wrote this shit.

I’m an hour out of seeing it myself and I still haven’t quite wrapped my head around it, but let me try.

OK.  So every Pixar animated movie is basically about something or someone that doesn’t usually talk right?

Talking toys in Toy Story. Talking fish in Finding Nemo. Heck, forget Pixar. Pretty much every cartoon features either an inanimate object or an animal that can talk and these films usually revolve around, “Gee whiz, kids, what do these toys, fish, other things that don’t normally talk do when we aren’t paying attention to them?”

So Seth turned that concept into one great big joke by asking, “What if food products talk to each other when we aren’t watching?”

Yup. Like I said. He’s been hitting the hard stuff.

In this time of reboots, sequels, prequels, and sequels to prequels of rebooted reboots, I have to hand it to Seth – this movie was original.

It put a lot of stuff on the screen that my eyes, ears, sensory receptors and brain aren’t used to processing – namely, quality rendered animated characters doing and saying horrible, terrible, disgusting things to each other.

Highlights:

  • Food products screaming in terror as they get sliced, diced and chomped.
  • Aforementioned food products staging a revolt and murdering humans in gruesome detail.  (Seeing a severed human head in an animated movie is definitely original, but uh…not really sure that was something that I wanted to see.  The twinkie was right. I’m effed up for life now.)
  • Zombie corn kernels trapped in poop.  Took me a second to get it but it does make scientific sense if you think about it.
  • `Food products act in stereotypical ways based on their country of origin.  Salma Hayek voices a horny taco.  David Krumholtz voices a Middle Eastern lavash (sort of like a soft taco-esque wrap) and Ed Norton voices a Jewish bagel (Sammy Bagel Jr.)  The lavash and bagel trade barbs throughout the film until they become way, way, way too friendly in the end, and boy do I mean the end. Uhh…I mean I’m not very PC but as I watched it I thought, “Wow, the social justice warriors are going to be all over this shit on Twitter.”
  • The crux of the film is that Frank the Sausage (Seth Rogen) wants to make sweet love to and live happily ever with Brenda Bunson (Kristen Wiig) a hot dog bun that bears a striking resemblance to a cooter.
  • The plot ties heavily into religion, namely, are the food products better off thinking that the humans are taking them out of the grocery store to live nice happy lives?  Would they just go nuts and be unhappy if they knew the truth that they were destined to be eaten? (And thanks Seth, on top of having to watch fornicating produce I really needed a reminder that my hope that there’s life after death is scientifically unsound and that in all likelihood I will end up just as disappointed as those poor, poor food products who ended up gnashed between a pair of giant teeth.)
  • A druggie injects himself with bath salts and is able to communicate with the food.  Gotta say, aside from the severed head, a dude dropping a spike in his vein is another subject I never thought that would ever be tackled by a cartoon so uh…I guess Seth broke new ground there but uh…I’m not sure that’s ground that should have been broken?  (Kids, please don’t try that at home…or anyone else…to quote South Park’s Mr. Mackey, “Drugs are bad, mmm’kay?”)
  • Nick Kroll lends his voice to a douche that, naturally, acts like a douche.  IMO, the douchey douche was one of the funnier parts of the movie.
  • And finally, the orgy.  The terrible, horrible, monstrous orgy.  Food products having hardcore sex with each other to celebrate their victory over the humans.  I…I don’t even know what to say.  I get they were animated food products and all but it was still so graphic that it left me wondering how this movie didn’t get an NC-17 rating slapped on it.

Hmm…so, I’m not a prude.  There were a few times where I did outright laugh but for the most part, the film’s appeal is similar to that of a gruesome car accident.  You don’t really WANT to see any of it and you know not looking away makes you a bad person but you can’t help but look…and stare…and gawk….and repeatedly ask yourself, “Am I really seeing what I think I’m seeing?!”

Ironically, animation has been around for so long now that I think if done right, there probably is a niche market for cartoon movies that appeal to adults (not as in the characters have to hump and drop F-bombs every five seconds just for the freak out factor) but because there may be things that can be done through animation that real life actors can’t do.

STATUS: I don’t want to call it shelf-worthy or non-shelf-worthy.  Rather, if you’re easily offended, stay away.  If you’re a rubbernecker who can’t help but stare at an ungodly traffic accident, then this film is for you.

About an hour into the film, I found myself thinking, “OK Seth. I get the joke. You’re going to make cartoon food products do terrible things because you can.”

I came.  I saw.  I was already f&*ked up.

We all aspire to be the first one to do something.  Seth, as far as I know, is the first film maker to document food products vigorously humping each other on screen, so no one can take that dubious honor away from him I suppose.

You know 3.5 readers, all I know is that around the turn of the millennium, I was in college and a bunch of my buddies and I went to see South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut.  We were in hysterics of Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s raunchy brand of comedy.

Those two broke many taboos and did the world suffer for it?

Yes.  Yes it did. The world totally sucks now.  Thanks a lot, Trey and Matt.

But at least Sausage Party couldn’t make the world any worse than it already is now, right?

I’m sure the current generation of immature college students are guffawing all over the sight of hot food on food action.

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Movie Review – Star Trek: Beyond (2016)

Space.  The final frontier.  Damn, it’s big and shit.

These are the voyages of the Starship SPOILERPRISE.

BQB here with a review of Star Trek: Beyond.

J.J. Abrams’ third Star Trek movie is out.  This go around, Kirk and Co. get lured into a distant nebula, ambushed and stranded after crashing on a desolate planet run by the evil alien Krall.

The crew has an artifact Krall wants in order to do evil shit…and they fight and shit and that’s about it. I’ll let you watch and fill in the details on your own.

I applaud J.J. because he seems committed to honoring the spirit of the old show/movies even though the 35+ crowd that Hollywood typically doesn’t give a crap about is the only demographic that would care.

Sulu’s totally gay and homage is paid to the late Leonard Nimoy, as well as to the original cast.

Sorry to give this spoiler but at one point a photo of the original cast is shown from the 1980s/1990s movies when they’re all in their 50’s and are wrinkly and gray haired and shit.

Millenials, old people used to look like that and they let them into movies anyway.  Now they just botox the shit out of themselves until their 95.

Idris Elba is great as Krall.  Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Karl Urban and everyone turn in great performances.

There are times when it almost feels like they’re parodying the original show.  Karl Urban’s impression of Dr. “Bones” McCoy is just too good.

There are attempts to appeal to us ancient folk – we’ll be ancient dust particles by the time Kirk comes around.  Alien Jaylah (Sofia Boutella) for example, enjoys rap music.  As she explains, she “likes the beats and the yelling.”  The other characters note that it is considered classical music.

I wonder which of our hits will be considered classics in Kirk’s time?

Kirk also rides a vintage motorcycle against the aliens – a move that might have been campy but since it was done right, it worked.

I enjoyed it.  Honestly, I think the second one in this series (the one with Benedict Cumberbatch as Khan) was the best of the three.

This one has it high points but there’s something about it – maybe by now we’ve all come to know these new versions of the original characters.  Maybe the plot wasn’t as involved as the other films – I don’t know.

I’m not saying it was bad. I just think the second was the best and this one didn’t top it. But it is still worth your time.

Very sad about Anton Yelchin’s tragic accident.  Yelchin played Chekov in all three of the new movies including this one.

Nothing reminds me of the fragile nature of life than when a celebrity dies before his/her movie comes out and there I am, sitting in the audience, watching that person larger than life on the big screen yet in my mind I’m thinking “Oh, sigh, that person sadly isn’t with us anymore.”

Finally, just an observation.  All the evil aliens are ugly.  All the nice aliens are – well I’m not sure if “hot” is the right word lest I get accused of having a thing for aliens but all the nice aliens are pleasant looking.

Krall for example has a permanent angry glare and his henchman aliens all have sharp teeth whereas heroine Jaylah is basically just a hot chick who had some designs drawn on her face with magic marker.

Therefore, the plight of stereotypical ugly typecasting exists even in space.  In the next film, I demand that the crew have an officer who is a hideous alien with sharp teeth. #OscarsSoPretty

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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Movie Review – Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates (2016)

I saw this movie by accident, I swear, but since I did I’m going to review it anyway.

SPOILERS ahead but really, who cares.

BQB here with a review of the R rated comedy, Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates.

I actually meant to see The Infiltrator because I’m a big Bryan Cranston fan but a mistake I made in reading the movie times lead me to the East Randomtown Cineplex only to find it wasn’t playing.  So I settled for Mike and Dave instead.

The commercials looked funny enough, but on its own, it just didn’t look like something that would have gotten me out to the theater.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, the plot is in the title. Mike (Adam Devine of the Workaholics crew) and Dave (Zac Efron), after years of destroying one family gathering after another with their hi jinx, are ordered by their parents that they will only be allowed to attend their sister’s wedding if they find dates who will go with them and keep them out of trouble.

One Craigslist ad and thousands of responses later (because being their dates comes with a free trip to Hawaii), Alice (Anna Kendrick) and Tatiana (Aubrey Plaza) weasel their way into the picture.  They are, in truth, terrible, horrible people whose own exploits make those of Mike and Dave seem tame in comparison, but they fool the duo into thinking they are nice girls in order to get a free vacation.

Blah blah blah, raunchy shenanigans ensue to threaten the wedding, everyone has to work together, that’s about it.

Oh, and you might see Aubrey Plaza’s butt.  I can’t confirm it. Whenever I see a butt on screen I don’t automatically assume it belongs to the celebrity because celebrities have been known to use stunt butts.  Either way, Aubrey has been missed since Parks and Recreation so it was fun to see her in action.

You might also see like the top half of Anna Kendrick’s butt. However, I again am unable to confirm if this is the real top half of Anna’s butt or if it is, in fact, a stunt butt.

Personally, I really think that somewhere in the credits, movies should list whether the butts displayed actually belonged to the celebrities or if they were, in fact, stunt butts. Otherwise, I have no way of knowing whether or not I actually saw a stunt butt and it leaves the entire experience with an asterix.

It’s a moron movie but it’s funny.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy but not theater worthy. It’s a rental.

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