Hey 3.5 readers.
Gotta break it to you, I’m getting old. Also, it’s the holidays, so I’m eating too much. The combo means I watch a movie and then boom, I fall asleep and miss twenty minutes here and there and am too lazy to roll it back.
That’s what I did with this film and lost large chunks of time. Overall, I think it was good. Sadly, because of my slumber this will be a lousy review.
Remember Mel Gibson’s “Braveheart?” This is more or less the sequel. In the aftermath of William Wallace’s defeat during a Scottish vs. English war, the Lords of Scotland surrender and pledge loyalty to King Edward of England.
The truce doesn’t last long as the lords are merely placating their elder lord. I don’t know his name but he was in Game of Thrones, as is King Edward and no I’m not looking up their names because remember I said this would be a bad review.
When the elder lord dies, his son, Robert the Bruce (Chris Pine) is all like, “Deal’s off, fuck face” and then he runs around Scotland for the rest of the movie either getting his ass kicked or recruiting Scots to fight the English.
Meanwhile, King Edward has a son who is a doofus and it’s one of those toxic father/son relationships where the father always dumps on the son and no matter what the son does, it is never enough, so the son wants to prove himself worthy so he goes apeshit and runs all over Scotland, killing Scots and hanging them and burning up their castles and houses and shit to punish them for siding with Robert.
Ultimately, I don’t know how Robert wins because like I said, every so often I’d fall asleep, lose twenty minutes, then when I’d wake up, more people would be dead.
Note this film has some nice scenes of the Scottish country side but also intense battle scenes. In fact, I think we take modern warfare for granted. Yes, I know modern warfare is tough and can be brutal, but just a reminder that roughly 600 years ago, dudes were hacking each other with axes and murdering swans as sacrifices to God so that he would great them the strength to hack their enemies to pieces. Entrails. Loss of limbs. I mean, holy shit.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Maybe some day I’ll watch it with a Diet Coke so I will stay awake.