The Earth. It’s been our home for as long as any of us can remember. But just how much do we know about how our home came to be?
I mean, first there was nothing, then there was something, right? That’s how anything is made. First you have no pizza. Then you buy some dough, some cheese, tomato sauce and pepperoni, put them all together, bake it for a while and then boom, you have a pizza.
How did our planet get baked? Well, some believe in “creationism” or that idea that God himself created the world.
As we are told in The Book of Genesis, God didn’t just create the land, and the seas, and the all the birds in the sky and the fish in the water. He also created…farts. Yes, farts. God cared very much about our intestinal comfort and wanted to make sure that relief after eating all the delicious food he created would never be more than a good toot away.
Don’t believe me? Take a look:
In the beginning, God created butts. Now, these butts were formless and empty, darkness spread throughout the surface of their cracks, and the gas was trapped between the cheeks.
And God said, “Let there be farts!” and there were farts. God saw that the farts were good and he separated the farts from the butts. God called the tiny farts, “squeakers” and the loud farts, “reakers.”
And there was evening and morning – the first day.
And God said, “Let there be a fart that makes no sound but emits a noxious fume just the same.” So God created a fart that could be smelled but not heard and it was so. God called these farts “silent but deadly.” And there was evening, and there was morning – the second day.
And God said, “Let there be a fart that will remained trapped in the butt until the butt owner lifts up a cheek so that it may escape.” And so God created a type of fart that can only leave the butt with cooperation of the butt owner and it was so. God called these farts, “cheek lifters.” And God smelled that these farts were good. And there was evening and there was morning – the third day.
And God said, “Let there be a fart that can never be controlled.” And God made a type of fart that pops out of the butt so fast that before the owner of the butt can do anything about it, it’s too late. And God called these farts “kamikazes” for nothing will stop them from embarrassing the owner of the butt, even if they pop out during a super important business meeting or on a first date. And it was so. And there was evening and there was morning – the fourth day.
And God said, “Let there be a wet fart, the kind that makes a person’s butt sound like it is full of hot soup percolating its way through a coffee filter.” And God created the farts that are bringing just a touch of wet diarrhea with them on the way out. And God heard these farts and they were good. And there was evening and there was morning – the fifth day.
And God said, “Let there be the grand alpha and omega of all farts!” And God created the mega, super duper deluxe fart, a fart so potent and powerful that it makes everyone in the blast radius run for cover or, barring an adequate exit strategy, at least open up all the windows and issue such complaints as, “Dude! What did you eat?” This fart will have the power to not only cause those who smell it to question the farter’s mental health and physical well-being, but it will also ruin marriages, end friendships, and ruin lives. God called these farts “blockbusters” and they were not good. No, they were not good at all. And there was evening and there was morning – the sixth day.
Thus, all the farts on earth were completed in their vast array. By the seventh day, God had finished his glorious work on farts; so on the seventh day he rested from his work. Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy because in it he rested from of the work he had done on creating farts. He demanded that all of mankind take this holy day to rest and to fart, for all farts done on this day are good.