By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire
Bleh! Greetings 3.5 children of the night!
I’m back again to extract my revenge on the League of Vampires for forcing me out of their organization just because I made like thirty disastrous mistakes.
Vampires? Bunch of Douche-pires if you ask me.
So to get back at those losers I’m educating you, the 3.5 readers, on how to defeat vampires.
Today’s lesson? Religion.
Now, you’re all aware that a crucifix can stop a vampire in its tracks. A cross held to our skin long enough will burn us, but we usually just hiss loudly and run in the opposite direction whenever we see one, not giving the cross holder the chance to harm us in the first place.
That’s because we vampires are considered abominations in the eyes of God. Bodies are meant for the living and for the dead to be using one really pisses the Man Upstairs off.
Vampires. Zombies. Used car salesmen. All despised by the Creator.
“But Count Krakovich,” you say. “I don’t usually wear a crucifix. I’m not a priest or a stereotypical Italian bookie in a track suit. Can I still use religion to defeat a vampire?”
Answer: yes.
First of all, if you’re not a Christian, any other religious symbol will do. That’s something we vampires like to keep on the down low.
So if you’re a member of the tribe, whip out your Star of David and a vampire will hiss louder than a defective muffler.
Muslim? Show that vampire a crescent moon.
Scientologist? Show that bloodsucker the picture of Tom Cruise you keep in your wallet. Don’t lie. You know you have one.
Jehovah’s Witness? Smack that vampire in the face with a rolled up copy of The Watchtower. Finally, you can do something useful with that magazine other than shoving it into the exhausted hand of that poor bastard you woke up at six a.m. and now he’s standing at his front door in his bathrobe, nodding politely, waiting for your sermon to end so he can deposit your offering into his circular file.
Atheist? Hmm. Tricky one. But belief is belief and as long as your belief in nothing is strong, you should be able to deflect a vampire attack simply by saying, “Have a Nice Day.”
If you believe in nice days, that is.
“But Count Krakovich, I have none of these things!”
That’s ok. Any of the following will do:
- Any photo of a Holy Man, from the Pope to Al Sharpton.
- A bible. You heathen. You know have ONE in your house. Your Grandmother gave you one for your birthday when you were a kid and has been asking you for years if you’ve read it yet and you keep coming up with reasons why you haven’t. Stop hiding weed in it and read the damn thing. You’ll learn some choice phrases to use to ward off evil, especially vampires. Crap if you don’t have one, swipe the free one from the hotel left by the Gideons.
- Wait. I’m told stealing a bible cancels its power out. Don’t steal one. You will actually have to invest a few bucks to buy one. It will be worth it when it keeps you from becoming a vampire sorbet.
- Voo doo is a type of religion, though typically looked at as a form of dark magic. Treat yourself to a delicious bucket of KFC then save the bones to throw at a vampire in a pinch. FYI – you will have to become a fully fledged voo doo priest first.
- Showing the following DVDs to a vampire will cause it to die, not due to the effects of religion, but just from sheer boredom: Sister Act, Sister Act 2, or Fireproof, that pile of crap put out by Kirk Cameron long after Growing Pains ended and he became a male church lady.
- The Ten Commandments, either the new one with Christian Bale, or the classic one with Charlton Heston, will hold a vampire back long enough for you to make a run for it. Absent a copy of either film, you can still channel your best 1930’s gangster impression and shout, “Where’s your messiah now?” a la Edward G. Robinson in the original. Doing so has no specific power over the vampire per se, but it will make him laugh long enough for you to skeedaddle.
- Singing the following songs will render a vampire’s powers useless: Amazing Grace, Onward Christian Soliders, and Jesus Walks by Kanye West. In fact, just hold up your copy of the Yeezus album. Few are aware that Kanye is the second coming, which is odd, because he informs everyone every chance he gets.
Take my advice and you can’t go wrong against those jerk face vampires, 3.5. So gather as many religious accouterments as you can get your hands on and take out those vamps for me, your new pal, Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire.
Attorney Donnelly reminds readers to please not steal those hotel bibles. The last thing BQB needs is a lawsuit from the Gideons shoved up his butt.
Bookshelf Battle 