By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire
Bleh! Look into my eyes, 3.5 readers!
You are getting sleepy. Very sleepy. You want to do my bidding. You want to be my obedient slave.
You want to give me your Netflix password.
Seriously, give me your Netflix password. Vampires like House of Cards too.
Bleh! Why are you laughing? No wonder the Vampire League ousted me. I can’t even glamour the 3.5 devotees of a substandard book blog.
But rest assured, other vampires are better at the ancient art of vampire hypnosis, better known as “glamouring” and if you’re not careful, you will become a vampire’s puppet.
Here are some tips to avoid being glamoured.
#1 – BE UGLY
Look, let’s face it. If you’re a vampire with glamouring powers, you’re going to go after the hotties. I know. It’s politically incorrect. The bloodsucking damned should go after the less attractive as well but vampires aren’t called evil for nothing.
If you’re hot, chances are, a vampire is going to try to glamour you.
Meanwhile, the uglier you are, the statistical probability of succumbing to a vampire’s will declines dramatically.
So if you look like Gollum from Lord of the Rings, rejoice! Your chances of becoming a vampire slave are about .0001 %.
“But Count Krakovich,” you say. “I’m not ugly. I’m relatively adorable. How can I deflect a vampire’s hypnotic eyes?”
#2 – WEAR SHADES
Aviators. Ray-Bans. They don’t even have to be shades. X-Ray specs will also do.
But what if a vampire catches you when you don’t have your sunglasses?
#3 – BE FUNNY
Glamouring takes intense mental concentration. So if you feel yourself being glamoured, tell a joke immediately. If you don’t know a joke, make a fart noise. Forget rules of etiquette and decorum. A vampire is trying to make you his bitch! Fart away!
#4 – WATCH WHERE YOU GO
Like any debauched individual, vampires love to cruise the club scene. If you’re hanging out at places where depravity goes down, i.e. establishments with names like The Flesh Factory or The Butt Barn or Bill Cosby’s Trailer, then the odds of running into a glamour happy vampire are high.
Also, drunkenness makes it that much easier for a vampire to work his twisted mojo on you. Switch to O’Doul’s. You’ll be a dud at the party, but you won’t be a vamp snack either.
#5 – TURN YOUR BACK
If you’re hot, and not funny, and refuse to make fart noises, and can’t keep yourself out of dirty clubs, then the only recourse you have left is to walk backwards for the rest of your life and never face anyone ever again. Put a set of Groucho glasses on the back of your head and attempt to convince everyone your back is your front. It will be a difficult life for sure, but you never know who might be a vampire, so you’ll have to treat everyone as a potential bloodsucker (which, let’s face it, in today’s day and age, is just sound advice anyway.)
Thank you, 3.5 readers. Take the knowledge I’ve given you and go forth! Defeat those lousy vampires who dared to disparage the good name of Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire!