Tag Archives: video games

Play Rampage Online for Free!!!

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

I loved playing “Rampage” as a kid.  Well, if you’re like me and want to play it again…I’m surprised I missed this but as a promotion for the movie with “The Rock” a site was made that allows you to play the classic version of the game right in your web browser.

Punch buildings, eat humans, and go crazy as a giant gorilla, lizard or wolf:

PLAY RAMPAGE NOW!

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Movie Review – Ready Player One (2018)

Gamers vs the Man!

BQB here with a review of “Ready Player One.”

3.5 readers, I went into this movie thinking it would suck…but it didn’t.  I love it when that happens, when I got into a movie thinking it will blow goats but instead it blows hot winds of fun into my face.

Hmm…phrasing.

Anyway…in the future, the world sucks.  Poor people live in trailers stacked on top of each other and life sucks so much that people spend all of their time in a virtual world, the OASIS, where they can be anyone and do anything rather than live in the sucky world.

There is a catch – to die means to lose all progress, money, enhancements etc. you’ve made to your avatar, and to start over from scratch.  Some have spent so much time building their online personas they’d rather die in real life than begin anew again in the virtual world.

Halliday (Mark Rylance), a socially awkward to the tenth degree nerd who developed the OASIS has died but he’s left an “Easter Egg” in his game, i.e. if a gamer can solve three mysteries, he/she will get three keys to use to unlock…dun dun dun…a prize, that being controlling stock interest in the OASIS (a lot of money plus ability to run the world’s most powerful video game which accounts for a substantial amount of the global economy.

I don’t want to get bogged into the details but suffice to say, I went in thinking this would be a glorified cartoon but instead, found an interesting look at a possible technological future.  The better virtual worlds get, will they be able to solve societal problems?  After all, few can be all they want to be in reality as they are so many people competing for so few opportunities, but if everyone can be beautiful, awesome, do whatever they want in a realistic virtual game….well, is that a way to make everyone happy or is that a way to keep people from experience reality, as drab as that may be sometimes?

Pop cultural references abound as Halliday was a fan of everything 1980s.    The hero of the film Wade/Parzival Tye Sheridan, drives a copy of Marty MacFly’s DeLorean, for example.  Somehow, he and his love interest, Art3mis/Samantha (Olivia Cooke) and a band of plucky young players must save the day and defeat Sorrento, owner of IOI, a corporation set up to dump thousands of players into the game for the sole purpose of finding the keys and gaining control of the OASIS for evil purposes.

From a writing standpoint, it’s pretty slick.  It makes me want to read Ernest Cline’s novel version to see how he did it.  You’ve got human players in the human world and they’re playing in the virtual world.  They go back and forth between worlds, almost simultaneously, as sometimes human heroes are trying to save their indisposed friends who are busy playing the game from an attack from real life baddies.  It gets very complicated so I’m always curious as to how authors navigate such difficult waters.

One complaint.  I hate to sound like an old man, but even though it’s PG-13, the word “fuck” is used.  Seriously, what the fuck?  It’s used in a joke and the joke lands, ergo it’s not gratuitous but still, are there standards or what?  Either “fuck” gets you an R rating or it doesn’t.  Further complaint, “shit” seems to be really creeping into PG-13 movies and it’s like, what the hell, either these are movies that families can take their older kids to or they aren’t.

All that said, the movie was fucking good.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.

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Movie Review – Rampage (2018)

So, a trio of monsters walk into a bar and…

BQB here with a review of “Rampage.”

Ugh.  How did this movie get made, 3.5 readers?  Honestly.

It’s like Hollywood refuses to take a risk anymore.  Anything that comes with a brand, a name, a nostalgic audience…it’s going to get made.

Do you remember the “Rampage” video game?  As arcade games go, it was pretty awesome.  As a kid, it was one of my favorites.  It was pretty easy.  You take control of a monster.  You climb the beast up and down buildings, punch them until they fall down.  Gain extra points by destroying helicopters, tanks etc and if you need more health, just eat some people.

Hmmm.  Maybe that’s why I’m so messed up.  Anyway, what usually makes for a good video game does not make for a good movie so….I’ll be very kind here….it’s a fun popcorn movie and it was better than I thought it would be, but that being said, it’s not something I’d bother to watch again either.

The plot?  Ummm….let’s just say it’s the Rock doing his thing – saving garbage movies by being a big, loveable lug, that rare bodybuilding tough guy who seems like he could save your ass and yet he’s probably read a book or two so he might also hold up his end of a conversation.

The Rock = saver of shitty movies, from “Fast and Furious” to “GI Joe” and now, this drek.  Without him, I doubt it would have been watchable.

The evil Wyden Corporation, headed by a duo of duplicitous cartoon villains/brother-sister siblings (Malin Akerman and Jake Lacey as Claire and Brett Wyden) have corrupted the genetic research of ex-employee, Dr. Kate Caldwell (Naomie Harris).  Their super evil corporation has turned what was supposed to be a cure for all diseases and used it to, instead, make animals become super big and strong and crazy and able to destroy entire cities.

Um…because apparently giant, city destroying animals are way more profitable than a cure-all for all of mankind’s diseases but, yeah, stop thinking too much.  Seriously.  If you saw the trailer with the Rock running around with a giant gorilla and thought this was a thinking man’s film then I don’t know what to tell you.

Rounding out the cast is Jeffrey Dean Morgan as Harvey Russell, a mysterious government agent dubbed “The Cowboy.”  He more or less plays a watered down version of his Negan character from “The Walking Dead.”  While he doesn’t carry a bat and isn’t a murderous psychopath, he does have that similar, “Look at me, I’m saying inappropriate things but because I’m saying them with an attitude, you’re supposed to think they’re really clever!”

The Rock, of course, plays an ex-special forces soldier turned primatologist because, apparently that’s a thing.  When his buddy, a normally well-mannered gorilla (George) is turned into an insane killing machine because of the Wyden’s dubious concoction, it’s up to the saver of all franchises to save the day (and this movie because seriously, the man’s macho charisma is the only reason to bother watching…although Naomie Harris is hot, intelligent…arguably too good for this picture.)

One complaint – it’s PG-13 so…I guess it’s ok for the teenagers but still, there are a few jokes where it’s like…eh….really…do we need so much use of the word “shit” and other naughty activities (George likes to give the middle finger to the Rock).  I don’t know.  Maybe I’ve become an old man but PG 13 meant something different in my day.  Get off my lawn and I’m keeping your football.  It’s mine now.

STATUS:  Shelf worthy.  It’s not a flick for the ages, but it’s a fun ride.  As utterly ridiculous as it was to make a movie based on a very simple video game, this version was the best possible version that could have been made, I think.  It doesn’t suck as much as I thought it would, let me put it that way.

I had the chance to watch it at Disney’s super deluxe AMC with all the thrills, my seat shook when the monsters punched each other and shit.  Good stuff.  Go see it in the theater once, have a good time, then try to forgive yourself for wasting two hours of your life on this tomfoolery.

 

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Movie Review – Tomb Raider (2018)

A tomb is raided and other surprises in this reboot of a movie series about a video game, which you think would mean it is destined to suck but surprisingly, it doesn’t.

BQB here with a review of “Tomb Raider.”

Egads.  I suppose we should have realized it would happen sooner or later.  Millenial Lara Croft.  While Angelina Jolie, Gen X Lara Croft, reveled in flashing around her family’s fortune that allowed her to live an adventurer lifestyle, waltzing around the world in her tight short pants, twin hand cannons strapped to her hip as she absconds with the treasures of indigenous peoples in the name of saving the world (which to her credit, she did save it a lot), today’s Lara is different.

Millennial Lara Croft (Alicia Vikander) covers up and, gasp, wears full pants.  She prefers a bow and arrow (I won’t get into the hand cannons but it is addressed), and she laments her family’s wealth.  It really eats her up inside that her long lost father, Lord Richard(Dominic West) left her with fat stacks of cash.  Why should she enjoy such a hefty bank account when so many others inherit nothing?

Ergo, when our tale begins, we find that this Lara has shunned Croft manner in favor of the life of a lowly bicycle courier until she realizes her treasure hunting father might still be out there, and she’ll have to follow in his footsteps (and assume control of the Croft dynasty) in order to find him and, of course, save the world from a devastating fate that is sealed in, you guessed it, a tomb.

Walton Goggins, best known for playing caricatures of dopey, in-bred Southern redneck baddies, dials it back a notch and plays the best, most believable villain of his career, the overseer of an operation that is blasting and digging up a remote Japanese island in search of the above mentioned tomb.

The verdict?  You’ll have to forgive me.  I’m a Gen Xer, so I yearn for Jolie’s candy apple tushy stuffed into short shorts.  Her version of Croft was hot and intelligent.  Vikander is pretty and intelligent, but it’s made clear she’s here to save the world with her mind and athletic abilities and not hear to be your eye candy.

SIDENOTE:  It’s weird how things tend to come full circle.  The old folks of my day told women to cover up.  The young folks of my day said women should be able to let it all hang out to express themselves, be proud of themselves and that doesn’t mean they’re to be treated as playthings.  Now the pendulum has swung back and now the young people are calling for women to cover up, at least in movies now.  Oh well.  I’m just along for the ride at this point.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  I’ll give it to this film.  It’s better than I thought it would be, worth watching, though feel free to wait for it to come out as a rental.  It does have a bit more in the brain department than the originals, the plot is a better developed than the originals, though it’s also only developed as far as a movie about a video game will allow, which isn’t saying much.  Now is the time for common sense bow and arrow control.

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Are Video Games Too Violent?

By: Video Game Rack Fighter, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Video Game Correspondent

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Hey 3.5 readers, VGRF here.

Are video games too violent?  Are they messing with the brains of our youth and turning them into sick, twisted killing machines?

Here’s the video montage that was shown during a meeting President Trump held about violence in video games, provided by IGN:

So, to return to the question of are these games too violent?  The short version is, yes, probably.  But a longer answer is more complex.

Generation X, that often forgotten generation that came between 1965 and 1981, grew up on video games, first with the Atari in the 1970s and Nintendo in the 1980s.  Games then were relatively cute and comprised of little more than crude pixelized little characters.

It really wasn’t until the 1990s that games starting getting a little too real and a little too graphic.  And there’s the rub.  The baby boomers never got into adult gaming.  They bought video games for their kids but they saw games as kid stuff.

Gen X, on the other hand, carried on their love of games well into adulthood.  It isn’t unheard of for adults in their 30s, 40s, even 50s to kick back with a video game.

And thus the problem that arises is that adults will want video games with more sex and violence, and yet, there’s still a large segment of the adult population who don’t play video games and still see them as only kids toys.  Thus, if the kid asks for, say, Grand Theft Auto, the adult doesn’t know any better, assuming its a kids toy, and says sure here you go.

At least I assume that happens.  Worse, some adults might be negligent.  They say the mature rating on the package and say screw it and get it for the kid anyway.

Plus, kids will always find ways to cut the adults out of the picture and get a violent video game from a friend or something.

I love video games, the gorier the better but I admit, even watching some of these above scenes are rough.  Frankly, even the worst R rated movies don’t get that detailed with the violence, so perhaps the industry might consider scaling back.

On the other hand, I don’t support government involvement because we do have freedom of speech and these games are a form of speech.

Are they responsible for turning kids into violent little monsters?  It’s hard to say.  On the one hand, there are more incidents of kids turning to violence these days.  On the other hand, if video games really were that powerful, then like, everyone who played one would become whacked in the brain and the world would be filled with millions of violent video game crazed killing monsters.

I just think if we start censoring video games it leads to a slippery slope.  Allow the video game industry to crank out what it pleases, but also:

  • Most stores require a license to be shown to buy a mature rated game.  That should always be followed.
  • I don’t know if this exists, but if it doesn’t, here’s an idea.  Video game consoles can come with a code parents can put in that can be used to lock out the user from playing a violent video game.  Ergo, if little Timmy borrows a naughty game from little Billy at school, boom, blocked.
  • Government shouldn’t get involved where societal pressures can work.  Decades ago, it was pretty normal to walk into any business, restaurant, house, what have you and just get hit with a waff of smoke.  Over the years, smoking got relegated to being considered a terrible habit and if you are a smoker, you’ve got to hide on a corner and smoke in the rain.  I’m not saying to ostracize adults who play violent video games, but just make it socially unacceptable for parents to let their gets play violent video games.  If you let your kid play violent video games, then you aren’t cool, you’re a jerkface.

Admittedly, there will always be problems.  Games from the 1980s involved shooting, but it was like, a little pixelized pellet.  Today, games allow the user to peer through a scope, aim at a head and pop it open.  The more advanced the graphics get, the more problems, but ultimately, parents have to exercise some caution and if there are things the industry can do to help parents keep their kids from rotting their brains then they should help.

Bottomline.  I like violent video games, but I’m an adult.  These games are meant for adults, and not kids with mush brains who haven’t figured out right from wrong and fiction from fantasy yet.

EDIT: You know, I watched the above video after I posted this and I thought I liked violent video games but I might take that back.  To me, a violent video game is, say, “Grand Theft Auto,” – violent, but almost cartoonish and silly, a parody of our base instincts.  When I see games above where you get to pretend to be a serial killer and chase down victims and axe them and put them on hooks I mean, yeah, you might want to ask yourself what’s going on inside you that you feel that kind of simulation is a fun way to spend your free time.  The “are games too violent” debate has been around since video games existed, every new generation of adults posing the question and I hate to say it but yeah, maybe there are some games that are crossing lines.  Still, I can’t abide by government intervention so it’s up to society to decide.

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Movie Trailer – Rampage (Or, The Rock Saves Any Movie)

 

Hey 3.5 readers.  BQB here.

When I was a kid, I loved the “Rampage” video game.  It was popular as an arcade game and later they made console versions.  You played as your choice of a giant ape, lizard, or werewolf and you made your character climb buildings, bash them, eat people, complete mayhem and destruction.  It was all very cartoonish with humor, i.e. you could eat people while they were sitting on the toilet.  Your character was usually a human that turned into a monster, so if you were injured, you’d turn into a human without clothes and slink away embarrassed.

With the occasional exception, video game based movies usually suck.  So, when I heard they were making a “Rampage” video game, I thought Hollywood was really scraping the bottom of the barrel.  I mean, the game was fun, but it was pretty mindless and devoid of any plot whatsoever.

Then I saw the trailer and I have to admit, it looks pretty awesome.  Partly because they went all out with the special effects, but mostly because of the Rock.  From GI Joe to Fast and Furious, The Rock saves all.

What say you, 3.5?

 

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Toilet Gator – Chapter 21

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Although Buford Dufresne was in his late twenties, his hair was still stuck in the early 1990s. No one had informed him that the mullet had gone out of style long ago and no one was about to do so no. When it came to his hair, it was all business in the front and a party in the back.

Even so, he managed to squeeze into the least stained white shirt, pants, and tie combo available and roll into the dealership, where he would hide in his office all day, ignoring any and all customers while he played video games.

And boy, did he have an impressive rig. Two massive monitors attached to a Nantuzasaki Game Tower, complete with a top of the line graphics card, dual core memory, solid state drive, and enough RAM to choke a horse. All of this processing power allowed him to run over pixelized prostitutes with the greatest of ease as he played the most violent video game ever, Car Thief Mayhem.

Knock knock. The Mayor’s fist pounded on the door. “Son?”

Buford sipped from a straw stuck inside a gallon sized cup of convenience store diet cola. He threw a few potato chips into his pie hole for good measure, then returned his eyes to the screen. He clicked a few buttons, causing his character to get out of a stolen car, bonk the prostitute over the head with a lead pipe, then steal all of her hard earned trick money.

The Mayor knocked again. “Buford? You in there?”

The young man clicked more buttons. His character got back into his stolen car, ran over a few pedestrians, and then ended up in a high speed chase with the police.

“Buford!” the Mayor shouted. “You playin’ with yourself in there!”

Buford sighed. “No, Daddy!”

“Then open up the goddamn door, son! I need to talk to you!”

“I’m busy, Daddy,” Buford said. “Come back later.”

Buford clicked a few more buttons. His character drove his car off a cliff and crashed into a helicopter. It was a horrific, fiery explosion that won Buford 10,000 points. The young man celebrated by opening up his soda cup, dumping in the contents of an energy drink can, then closing up cup’s lid and sipping away.

“Buford Bartholomew Dufresne!” the Mayor shouted. “You will open the door for your Daddy this very instant! Don’t you think for one second you’re too big for me to take you over my knee!”

Buford sighed. He felt defeated. He knew his old man had the energy to knock on his door all day. He realized the sooner he got the lecture that was coming his way, the better. He paused his game, got up, and opened the door.
“Buford,” the Mayor said as he stepped into his son’s office. “I got to talk to you. I heard you…”

The Mayor pinched his nose. “Jumpin’ Jesus H. Christ on a pogo stick! This room stinks! The last time I smelled a stench this bad I was digging a latrine in De Nang.”

The old man looked to the corner, where Buford’s trash can was overflowing with used fast food containers, some of them weeks old.

“Who are you, Little Lord Fauntleroy?” the Mayor asked. “You too good to empty your own damn trash can?”

Buford sat back down and unappeased his game. “Sorry, Daddy. I just been busy.”

“Busy killin’ your brain cells on them shoot ‘em up video games!” Buford said. “I never should have bought you that stupid thing. When the hell are you gonna get up off your fat ass and get out on the floor and make a sale?”

A little bit of drool pour out of the right side of Buford’s mouth as his eyes remained fixated on the screen. “I’m working up to it, Daddy.”

The Mayor took off his cowboy hat and dabbed at the top of his bald head with a handkerchief, removing the excess sweat. “You’re working up to it? Shee-it. And I suppose the Lord Almighty is workin’ up to the rapture. That’ll come first before you start earnin’ your keep around here.”

“Come on, Daddy,” Buford said.

“Don’t you come on Daddy, me, you little sack of shit,” the Mayor said. “Look at me, son. I’m Sitwell’s pride and joy. I got a business that employs over a hundred people. I’m a beloved mayor who makes important decisions every day. And what the hell are you doing with the one and only life that God will ever give you? Running over computerized prostitutes instead of doing something, anything, literally anything at all to better yourself.”

Buford mashed the buttons on his controller. His character respawned in front of a hospital, then stole a truck and ran over a contingent of little old ladies, leaving behind a trail of blood and broken walkers in his wake.

“I blame myself,” the Mayor said.

“Aww, Daddy,” Buford said. “Don’t gimme that speech about how you blame yourself again.”

“I will give it to you, boy,” the mayor said. “Your old daddy wasn’t around enough when you were growin’ up. I was too busy wheelin’ and dealin,’ chasin’ that green that I never took the time to teach you how to be a man. Now you’re like a man-child, a little baby stuck in man’s body. You’re more confused than a horny alley cat trapped behind a spay and neuter clinic.”

Burford moved the sticks on his controller. His character performed a drive-by on a nun convention.

“I set your momma up right,” Buford said. “She never had to work a day in her life. I thought she’d be able to take care of ya, teach ya how to behave all proper like but I was foolin’ myself. Old Lurleene was just a simple minded stripper, dumber than a box of rocks and hooked on anything she could snort up her nose or shoot in her veins. Hell, given all that, I’m surprised you didn’t turn out worse.”

Buford took a sip of his soda. “It weren’t all that bad, Daddy.”

The Mayor put his cowboy hat back on. “Son, will you let me be there for you now?”

The young man paused the game and looked up at his father. “What’s that now, Daddy?”

“I know it’s awfully late,” the Mayor said. “I’m a tired old fart and you’re almost thirty. I doubt I got many good years left. Let me teach you how to be a man, how to take care of yourself. You got to learn, boy, because one day your old Daddy won’t be around to take care of you and then what are you gonna do?”

Buford sighed. “I just don’t think I’m cut out to sell cars, Daddy.”

The Mayor sneered at his son. “Look, I’ll tell you what. I’m a silent partner in a number of business I have invested in town. One of those businesses happens to be Big Ray’s House of Funbags, the classiest titty bar this side of Orlando. I’ll talk to Big Ray. He’ll give you a job as a manager. You can squire around the girls and polish their titties with titty wax before they get on stage. You’ll be on your own, independent, doing something with your life.”

Buford shoved some more chips into his mouth. “I don’t want to do that either, Daddy.”

“Are you serious?” The mayor asked.

“Sure am,” Buford replied.

“Son, that’s a primo offer,” the Mayor said. “Oh Lord, you’re not one of them gay fellas, are you?”

“No, Daddy,” Buford said.

“Because you know son, you can tell your Daddy if you’re gay,” the Mayor said. “I don’t approve of that, but all them Democrats tell me I’m legally obliged to still love you even if you’re gay so I reckon I still will.”

“I’m not gay, Daddy,” Buford said. “I just don’t want to work in no titty bar.”

The Mayor took a deep breath. “Then son, what is it, pray tell, that you want to do with your life?”

Buford pressed some more buttons on his controller. His character drove a big rig through a department store.

“This,” the young man said.

“This?” the Mayor said.

“Uh huh,” Buford replied.

“You want to play video games?” the Mayor said.

“Until the day I die,” Buford said.

“Son,” the Mayor said. “How do you expect you’ll earn a living playing video games?”

Buford shrugged his shoulders. “I dunno. I’ll get real good I guess. Maybe I’ll compete in some video game competitions and earn some big money.”

The Mayor repeated half of what his son just said, just to make sure he was hearing correctly. “Compete in a video game competition and earn big money? Oh Lord, how I have failed you.”

“Daddy, I’m comin’ up to a real hard part, here,” Buford said.

“I made life too easy for you,” the Mayor said. “You never had to struggle. Never had to fend for yourself. Never had to fight for scraps. I gave you everything you wanted in the hopes that one day you’d outshine me and now look at yourself.”

“Blah, blah, blah, Daddy,” Buford said. “You gonna stand there and yap all day?”

The Mayor lost it. He picked up one of the monitors and heaved it against the wall, smashing it into hundreds of pieces.

“Daddy!” Buford shouted. “What the hell are you doing?!”

“Get out!” the Mayor shouted. He grabbed the other monitor and hurled it against the wall. Then he picked up the game station, tossed it on the floor, and stomped on it with his cowboy boot.

Buford grabbed his soda, then ran out into the showroom. His father quickly followed.

“Get the hell off my lot, you no good lazy, loafing son of bitch!” the Mayor shouted.

All of the customers and salesmen turned around to watch the scene unfold.

“Daddy!” Buford shouted. “Why’d you go and break my video games for?”

“So you’ll grow up, you dumb shit!” the Mayor shouted. “No son of mine is going to waste his life the way do for you! Offices are for people who do work! You do one goddamn day of work in your life and you can have it back! Until then, get out and don’t you dare come back here until you do.”

Buford looked around, confused and embarrassed.

“OK I’m sorry Daddy,” Buford said. “Let’s just cool down and we’ll talk about this at home.”

“That’s MY home, boy!” the Mayor hollered. “Don’t you step one foot back there!”

“Daddy!” Buford shouted. “You’re kicking me outta the house?”

“You’re damn right I am,” the Mayor said. “You can either go live with your whore of a mother or you can be a man, earn a living, and find your own place, but I aint gonna coddle you into being a big giant man baby for one day longer, you hear me!”

Buford hanged his head down low and performed the long walk of shame towards the door. “Yes, Daddy.”

“I mean it, boy!” the Mayor said. “You won’t get one more paycheck from me. Not one more hand out, not one more dime until you learn how to become a man. I know there’s something wrong with you, boy. If you aint gay, then it’s something you aint telling me and if you don’t tell me then you’re going to have to sort it out on your own.”

Buford lost it. He threw his soda cup against the wall and it exploded, sending drops of diet cola all over the nearby customers. “I aint gay and there’s nothing wrong with me!”

“There damn sure is something wrong with you, boy!” the Mayor shouted. “You’re not right in the head and any two-bit, half-ass shrink could easily see that from a mile away! Fix yourself and do it pronto!”

Buford threw his father the middle finger. “Choke on a ten foot dick and die, Daddy!”

“Oh!” the Mayor said. “That’s real nice talk! I bet you learned that from your mother!”

“I’ll prove you wrong, Daddy!” Buford shouted. “I’ll be richer and famous-er than you ever were!”

“Good!” the Mayor said. “Then I won’t have to worry about your stupid ass, anymore!”

Buford gave his father two middle fingers. “Fuck you, Daddy!”

The Mayor returned both middle fingers. “Fuck you back, son!”

The young man exited the building and slammed the door behind him. The Mayor looked around at all of the astonished customers. He straightened his tie.

“Sorry about that folks,” the Mayor said. “Tell you what? Ten percent off any car built during the Clinton administration for all your trouble!”

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Video Game Rack Fighter – Mass Effect Andromeda

By: Video Game Rack Fighter, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Video Game Correspondent

Hey 3.5 readers.  VGRF here.

I just wanted to share the trailer for Mass Effect: Andromeda.  That’s right, the video game that redefined the whole RPG genre and turned it up on its butt is back in a big way.  Choose your own style, your gender, your team, your gear, your love interests, whether you are good or evil.  There are most likely plenty of blue lesbian space babes.  I know Bookshelf Q. Battler spent most of his 20s staring at the blue lesbian space babes, but he can’t do that anymore because he has a book to write.  Multiple books actually.  He really needs to get to work.

Did you play the original trilogy, 3.5?  I was very impressed with it.  It was groundbreaking for its time, the amount of choices you were allowed to make and how the tiniest deviation could create a whole different game experience.  Even more, the decisions you made in game one carried into two and three.

Impressive stuff.  I’m looking forward to it.  While BQB will be slaving away to entertain his 3.5 readers, I will be exploring the universe and boldly going where no woman has gone before, namely, a nerd’s bedroom.  Zing!

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Video Game Rack Fighter Lives!!! (Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Crazy Cat Lady

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.  The illustrious Video Game Rack Fighter has taken a rare break from playing Car Thief Mayhem to read one of my infamous top ten lists.  A big step for her to go public with a video for as you know, the inhabitants of Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters are usually much too busy fighting for truth, justice, against evil and for hilarious jokes or at the very least, jokes that I find funny because at the end of the day, that’s all that really matters.

From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here’s Video Game Rack Fighter (and furry friend) to give you the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Crazy Cat Lady:

3.5 READERS: BQB, that looks a lot like the spokesperson you hired last week to sing your blog’s praises.

That’s a ludicrous accusation, 3.5 readers.  Stayingvintage is way too busy fielding spokesperson requests on Fiverr.com to bother with my trivial tomfoolery.

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Crazy Cat Lady

#10 – Wherever she goes and whatever she sets out to do, she never fails to come home with an extra cat. Trip to the store for milk? New cat. Dentist appointment? New cat. Went to the movies? New cat. Westminster Dog Show? New cat.

#9 – No matter what you do in the house, you run the risk of a cat falling and landing on your head. Open the cupboard for your breakfast cereal? Cat lands on your head. Open the closet to change your shirt? Cat lands on your head. Open the desk drawer to find a pen? A cat jumps into the air then lands on your head.

#8 – You went to the doctor for a bad cough. X-rays indicate your lungs are 90% cat hair.

#7 – You buy those pet hair rollers with extra stickiness by the case.

#6- You’ve become skilled at the 10-K hairball barf dash. Whenever you hear a cat making barf sounds, you automatically pick it up and run it outside before it can puke all over the rug.

#5 – What am I saying? Your girlfriend is a crazy cat lady. You gave up on the rug years ago. That rug is 5% carpet fiber and 95% puke now.

#4 – You have enough litter boxes in the basement to create your own desert.

#3 – And for some reason, even though your girlfriend was the one who wanted all the cats in the first place, you’re the one who is always cleaning up the litter boxes because…I don’t know…women’s rights or something.

#2 – The cats take turns sleeping on your face. Your girlfriend says its because the cats love you but you’re pretty sure they’re just trying to use their pillow like bodies to smother you in their sleep.

#1 – You heard that President Trump was interested in grabbing pussies so you’re sitting by your phone, waiting for that call from the White House, hoping that he’ll stop by and grab all of yours…because you can’t stand living with so many cats anymore!

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An Ode to My Vagina – An Original Poem By New Bookshelf Battle Blog Proprietor Video Game Rack Fighter

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Dear 3.5 Readers,

Divorce is never easy, especially when you’re BQB and you learn that you were married due to a legal technicality.  Divorce is especially difficult on the children, or in your case, the readers.

I know all 3.5 of you must feel some sort of loyalty to BQB but don’t, for he is an epic douche who peed on the toilet seat one too many times without dropping to his knees to apologize and beg for mercy, and he now he must suffer for the rest of his life as penance.  Really, it’s only fair.

I mean, I regularly took time away from my passion of playing Car Thief Mayhem to help BQB run his stupid blog, his stupid BQB HQ, and to even walk Bookshelf Q. Battledog and the Yeti.  So when you think about it, I really deserve to take everything and BQB deserves to live in a seedy motel for the rest of his days with Leo McKoy.

I feel like I was pretty generous in the settlement negotiation process.  Not only did I let Attorney Donnelly talk me into not calling for BQB’s genitals to be slammed in a steel door for the rest of his life, but I also let BQB retain custody of the Yeti.  So really, when you think about it, I’m the good guy here.

Things are finally going to be run differently around here.  I don’t know what exactly inspired me to cast BQB into a life of misery so I could fully recognize my full womanly potential.  I’m not going to lie though, I felt motivated as soon as I watched Ashley Judd give her deranged poem on the National Mall.

As Ashley ranted and raved about the blood stains on her bedsheets that weren’t her choice, I found myself shouting at the TV, “Yes!  Yes!  I don’t need a man! Bookshelf Q. Battler is the source of all my problems!”

Listen, don’t worry.  This blog has been missing a woman’s touch for far too long.  It will still be totally awesome.  Don’t listen to all that nonsense BQB spouted that under my watch, this blog will turn into a collection of daisy photos and vagina poems.

In conclusion, please enjoy this photo of a daisy…

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…and also this original poem I wrote about my vagina.

An Ode to My Vagina

An Original Poem By New Bookshelf Battle Blog Proprietor, Video Game Rack Fighter, May BQB Never Sully This Website With His Inability to Put Urine Into the Toilet Ever Again

Vagina!  Whoa, my vagina!

Giver of life and of mirth.

Is it the source of my inner-self?

Should it be the sum total of my self-worth?

Colin Firth.  Bridget Jones could do so much better.

Won’t someone write my vagina an appreciative letter?

Eddie Vedder.  Lead singer of Pearl Jam and to him

And any other man after my vagina I say, “Scram!”

Isn’t that the plan?  A world conquered by vaginas!

An end to rule by man.  Oh, vagina!

Sing me a song!

Give me respite from the days that are so long.

Dong!  Destroy anyone who has one.

And when that happens, my vagina will have won.

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