Guten tag, mein leipshin!
Dr. Hugo Von Science
It is I, Dr. Hugo Von Science here mit mein column, “You Can’t Argue With Science.”
You really can’t, can you? Go on. Try it. Argue with a molecule and see where it gets you. Nowhere.
Perhaps you remember me from one of my amazing inventions:
- The Super Collider Walnut Cracker – Harnesses the power of the super collider to send molecules hurtling at unimaginable speeds for the purpose of cracking mein delicious walnuts.
- Chimpanzee Mind Control Helmets – Have you ever wanted to live vicariously through a chimp? Now you can. You’re welcome.
- The Spoiler Stratifier – Tired of your favorite television shows being spoiled by people who have more time to watch TV than you do? Try this special pair of ear buds that translates any spoiler uttered by a dufus into the sound of a Swiss man yodeling.
And of course…
- The Stench-a-fier – Provide me with all the gold bars in the world or your cities will reek with the stench of a billion skunks dipped in old buttermilk and…woopsie! That one isn’t perfected yet. Mein bad.
Anyhoodles, have you forgotten all about Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life? Of course you have, mein leipshin. It’s all right. You all have the brain capacity of a bunch of buzzing gnats. It’s ok. We all can’t be a distinguished Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University like yours truly, Dr. Hugo Von Science.
Here’s a refresher of BQB’s epic adventure:
Parts 1-5 – BQB dies on toilet after eating a lightning bolt that was concentrated into a pop tart. In death, his spirit guide, William Shakespeare, advises him to seek the meaning of life. Critics praise the tale, especially the intense realism as well as the author’s bold gambit in educating the world about the scourge of toilet/lightning related fatalities.
Parts 6-13 – Our hero is given a second chance at life and recovers from his injuries at the Bookshelf Battle Compound. Various tiny book characters apologize for causing his injury. BQB decides that the secret of life must rest in the brain of the Great Guru, a wise man who lives high atop a mountain smack dab in the middle of the civil war plagued island of Pango Tango. The inhabitants have been massacring each other for years over an argument as to which side is most peaceful. (Yes, you read that right.)
Pop Culture Mysteries returns in July with a special episode in which Detective Jake Hatcher investigates whether Han or Greedo from Star Wars shot first.
In the meantime, you can start reading Jake’s quest to figure out what happened to the original Brady Bunch spouses.
What do you think happened to them, mein leipshin? Personally, I don’t think Mike or Carol had first spouses. I bet the Brady children were cloned in a lab, but that just could be mein bias for, as you know, I am a man of science.
And you can’t argue with science.
Toodle-ooo herrs unt frauleins!
Dr. Hugo Von Science is a Distinguished Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University. He has patented over a bazillion inventions and may or may not be attempting to conquer the world in his spare time. His column, “You Can’t Argue with Science” is a recurring feature on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.
Mad scientist photo courtesy of shutterstock.com
Bookshelf Battle 