Tag Archives: pop culture

The Old People Are Getting Younger

I have a new habit, 3.5 readers and it is a terrible one that I need to break immediately.

Whenever I meet, see and/or think about an older person I subtract sixteen in order to figure out how old they were in 2000, realize they were young during then and since 2000 seems like it was just yesterday to me, it feels like that older person should not be old, like they were just young two seconds ago so why are they old now?

Did they catch an oldifying disease?

No, they’re just old.  Time, you dirty, dirty bitch, you.

I feel the same way about myself. I literally feel like my life was like:

  • 2000 – Oh boy, the world is my oyster!
  • Time passes – Huh, I sure am having a hard time making my dreams come true.
  • 2016 – Holy shit I blinked and now I have gray pubes.  2000, where did you go?

I blame the pop culture.

For the most part, give or take a few style trends, people in 2000 didn’t look much different than they do now.

The music isn’t that much different.  The movies have better effects now but 2000 movies were no slouches.

So that’s my complaint.  We’re in the second decade since 2000 but neither decade has had any real defining style.

Think about…

…the 1960s – Tie dye and hippies, bell bottom jeans and people saying “far out” and groovy.”

...the 1970s – Disco, leisure suits and eight tracks.

…the 1980s – Hair bands, Michael Jackson, Madonna.  “Greed is good” according to Gordon Gecko.

…the 1990s – Everyone dresses up like a lumber jack and listens to depressing alt rock.  Gangsta rap takes over the rap game.

…the 2000s till now – Eh, I mean, I could be wrong. Maybe you’ll see it differently, but it just seems like time time since 2000 has just been all about computers and the Internet getting better, social media taking over, music seems to fall into either pop or rap.  There are no new styles coming along and guitar based rock or other types of songs seems like a a lost art form.

My overall point – I used to be able to look at a black and white movie or a photo of a man in a fedora and know it was from the 1950s.  But now, its getting harder to tell what post-2000s time period a piece of pop culture is from.

At least my parents got a cue in the 1990s.  “What? Everyone is dressing like a lumberjack and listening to songs sung by super depressing marble mouthed mumblers from Seattle? Guess we’re old now!”

It just seems like pop culture is losing its decade dividing lines.

What say you, 3.5?

 

Advertisements
Tagged , , , ,

Daily Discussion with BQB -Blake Lively’s Butt

Good Morning 3.5 Readers.

For our very first daily discussion, we’re talking about Blake Lively’s butt.

The Blakester popped this picture on instagram:

View this post on Instagram

L.A. face with an Oakland booty

A post shared by Blake Lively (@blakelively) on

So you can see in the caption she says, “LA face with an Oakland booty.”

As you butt rap song aficionados may be aware, that’s a reference to Sir Mix-a-lot’s classic tune, “Baby Got Back” in which the world’s premiere rapping knight proclaims his love of large butts to the world.

Blake took a lot of heat.  People said this was a racist comment.  I guess if I think about it, I can sort of see the point.  (If you say you have an LA face and an Oakland booty, aren’t you saying that white faces are better than black faces and black butts are bigger than white butts?)

And then I suppose people might complain isn’t this too superficial? Is she seeking attention, like “Hey everyone look at my face and butt!”

I don’t know.  I understand people are trying to be more sensitive about racial issues these days.  But if you want my two cents, you also have to consider the speaker’s intent when analyzing these comments.

I don’t believe she intended to make fun of black people.  If anything, I think she was making fun of her own butt.  She is married to Ryan Reynolds so she must have a healthy sense of humor.

And if she was seeking attention…well…that’s what celebrities do, isn’t it?

What say you, 3.5 readers? Was Blake Lively in the wrong or should lonely male nerds the world over thank her for posting a picture of her fabulous badonka donk and move on?

Or heck, don’t move on. Just stare at it with your jaw dropped for awhile and drool like Homer Simpson.  “Mmm Age of Adaline heiney…”

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Damn Reality TV Star

shutterstock_267550688 And now from BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Reality Television Star!

10.  Cameras follow her around wherever she goes, despite the fact that she never does anything relevant or newsworthy whatsoever.

9.  Meanwhile, producers follow you around wherever you go, demanding that you engage your girlfriend in obviously contrived dramatic interactions.  Tell her you have a disease that you don’t really have.  Tell her that her sister is dying when she doesn’t even have a sister.  Tell her a mutual friend that doesn’t exist was just hit by a bus. Just tell her something that sounds totally awful to keep the viewers from changing the channel.

8. That teeny weeny dog living in her purse gets more kisses from her than you do.

7.  When she does kiss you she leaves so much glitter on you that you end up looking like Tinkerbell took a dump on your face.

6.  You’ve grown accustomed to words like “lurve,” “totes” and “bae.”  At least when you’re down, you can always count on a “I totes lurve u 4-eva bae” text.  (If she isn’t busy at da club.)

5.  She drinks enough to drop a Clydesdale, yet somehow manages to looks good in the morning…er, well…in the afternoon…after twenty-five assistants fix and readjust everything.

4.  She has her own fragrance, vodka, fashion line and music album.  Yet somehow, her head will explode if you ask her to read The Cat in the Hat.

3.  You broke the news to her that your doctor thinks you need a colonoscopy.  She wants to know if she can live tweet the whole experience and put the camera feed on periscope.

2.  People are constantly searching the inter webs for nude photos of her.  Stop selling nude photos of her, you pervert.

  1. She argues with you using hashtags:

YOU:  Hi babe.  Sorry I’m late.

HER: #tookyoulongenough!

YOU:  I couldn’t help it.  Traffic was a nightmare.

HER: #tellsomeonewhocares

YOU:  Aww.  Don’t be like that.

HER: #worstboyfriendever!

HONORABLE MENTION:

We would have also accepted:

  • Owns more leopard printed clothing than Tarzan.
  • Ironically, wears less of said clothing, or any clothing really, than Tarzan.
  • Owns enough shoes to outfit a gaggle of centipedes.
  • Selfies.  So many selfies.
  • Tries to look hot with a duck faced selfie.  Ends up looking like Daisy Duck suffering through a yeast infection.
  • She gets a manicure.  It’s a show.  She gets a pedicure.  It’s a show.  She goes shopping. It’s a show.  She stands on one foot and bounces up and down?  It’s a two hour special.
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

POLITICAL AD – Why Bookshelf Q. Battler Sucks Ass and You Should Vote Leo McKoy for East Randomtown Mayor

shutterstock_287108603

Mr. Leo McKoy – Former Delivery Driver, Noted Barfly, the Man Who Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek and East Randomtown Mayoral Candidate.

Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Sure, he has secured his spot as one of East Randomtown’s most famous citizens, having developed a WordPress blog that attracts the eyes of 3.5 readers.  An amazing accomplishment to be certain, as most East Randomtownsfolk don’t even know how to turn a damn computer on.

But has BQB ever met James Van Der Beek?

We think not.

The year was 1999.  Bill Clinton was president.  Holy shit.  That president got more college intern booty than a toilet stall at Cal Tech.

The hottest prom song was the Macarena and everyone lived in fear that the Y2K glitch was going to bring about the birth of Skynet.

The hottest show on television? Dawson’s Creek.  Teens tuned in every week to watch the adventures of Dawson Leary, his incorrigible best friend Pacey, Dawson’s love interest, Joey and Jen, the town slut with a super nice grandma.

Enter Leo McKoy.  He was a simple delivery driver for Schultz Delicatessen.  Or was it that simple a coincidence that he held this position?  Perhaps the stars aligned and the fates put McKoy into this minimum wage job in order for him to meet one James Van Der Beek, the actor who played Dawson.

It was a hot summer day.  An order came in.  McKoy was charged with delivering a reuben sandwich with extra cole slaw, a bag of barbecue potato chips and a Sprite to room 31 of the East Randomtown Motel 9.

Never one to fail an employer, Mr. McKoy found the location, knocked on the door and who should pop his head out but none other than the angel who walks the earth in the form of a man himself, Mr. James Van Der Beek.

Seventeen-years later, Mr. McKoy still remembers the exchange:

MCKOY: Did you order a reuben sandwich with extra cole slaw, a bag of potato chips and a Sprite?

VAN DER BEEK: Yes.  Here you go.  Keep the change.

Keep the change, indeed.  For so mesmerized was Mr. McKoy that he framed the fiver Van Der Beek handed to him.  It hangs on McKoy’s wall to this very day and scientists claim the fiver contains trace amounts of Van Der Beek’s hand sweat.

There are average men and then there is Mr. McKoy.

The average man would have taken one look at the man god that was Van Der Beek in his prime, dropped the food on the floor, and run away with his arms flailing, because let’s face it, no one could ever possibly feel worthy enough to be in James Van Der Beek’s presence.  You certainly couldn’t, you loser.

But McKoy did not falter.  He did not cave under the pressure.  He delivered a famous man dinner, returned the payment to his employer, and lived to tell the tale nearly two damn decades later.

Could Bookshelf Q. Battler have stood up to that kind of pressure?

WE THINK NOT.

Citizens of East Randomtown, you “don’t want to wait for your lives to be over” to elect Leo McKoy – the Man Who Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek.

And you don’t have to.  You can vote for him this fall.

Jesus Christ.  Jen Lindley was such a slut.

THIS MESSAGE WAS PAID FOR BY THE CITIZENS DEDICATED TO CONVINCING YOU THAT BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER IS A BAG OF ASSHOLES AND THAT YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR LEO MCKOY FOR EAST RANDOMTOWN MAYOR INSTEAD.

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Search Engine Optimized Slam Poetry

:::Bongo drum beats:::

ANNOUNCER: Oh yeah.  Welcome all you hep cats and kittens to the East Randomtown Java Bean, where our poets are never good and the cups are never clean.

Sit back, relax and feast your ears on frequently used search engine terms, as recited by a far out beatnik, ya’ dig?

Kardashian!  Kardashian!

Nude photos are what I do seek.

Sleek and sexy pics of a goddess created in 1980 though I swear her bosoms must have started cooking in 1975. You jive?

This mole!  This mole!  This mole that is on my back.up-korora-beatnik-800px

Should I get it looked at, Jack?

When my mole changes colors, is it bad?

Is it just one of the many bodily imperfections that makes me, me?

Or is it the calling card of the Grim Reaper? No it can’t be.

I am not ready.

Though will I ever be?

Probably not.

How much was that Samsung Galaxy that my neighbor bought?

Women!  Oh women!

How can I look better for chicks?

How can I drop flab and improve my abs?

Where I can I buy a selfie-stick?

Who killed JFK?  Will we meet aliens one day?

Is Trump’s hair for real?  Does Costco have good deals?

How many calories are in McDonald’s meals?

I’m trying to watch my weight.

How do I ask a foxy lady out on a date?

Pluto!  Oh Pluto!  Pluto, are you still a planet?

Or are you just Mickey Mouse’s dog?

How do I fix a toilet that’s been clogged?

Is there anything that Siri doesn’t know?

What in the hell is zero divided by zero?

Can you believe Khloe and Lamar gave it another go?

Whoa!  Put my mind at ease.

What’s the best treatment to cure my dog of those pesky fleas?

Is global warming caused by chopping down too many trees?

What smells can be removed with a spritz of Febreze?

Is there a way I can stop losing my car keys?

I want to go to the movies.

What time does the latest flick start?

And tell me…will I die if I hold in my fart?

Who does Caitlyn Jenner’s hair?

Can Ronda Rousey defeat me with one icy glare?

Is this the right season to buy a pear?

Should I go to IKEA to buy my next chair?

Stamos!  John Stamos!  How in the world does he still look so youthful?

How can I tell if my mate is being truthful?

I can’t think of a word that rhymes with truthful but I can think of thoughts that strain the minds of lesser men.

Why did Mike Brady spend so much time in his den?

Did it make him feel zen?

I know where I am but do you know where I’ve been?

I’ve been to Mars.  On a rocket that was thrustin’.

What’s the latest single from Bieber comma Justin?

Is it Sorry?  Is he really sorry?

What was the first video console ever made?

I bet it was Atari.

After a first date, how many days must I wait…before I can call that chick again?

Was Peter Parker’s father really named Ben?

Stress!  Oh stress!  How can I push you away?

When is the next holiday?

Is Adam Lambert gay?

Is that a cool question to even say?

It probably isn’t.  My apologies.

What is the best wine to drink while eating cheese?

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

Oscars 2016 Recap

Chris Rock defused the Oscars So White controversy with humor.

As an ugly person rights activist, I’m still waiting for an apology for the Oscars being So Pretty.

Big upset in the Best Supporting Actor category.  Thought Sly was going to win that for sure.

Best Picture – Spotlight.  Have not seen it yet.

Thoughts, 3.5 readers?

Tagged , , , , , ,

RIP George Gaynes

I’d like to take a moment to remember actor George Gaynes, who died this week at 98, which surprised the crap out of me because I thought he was 102 back in the 1980s at the height of his fame.

His two main roles that I remember:

  1. The bumbling Commandant Lassard in the Police Academy movies.
  2. The lovable curmudgeon Henry Warnimont on the TV show, Punky Brewster.

Yes.  Punky Brewster.  The best show ever about a poor elderly man who went to take his trash out one day, found a small girl living in the alley and decided to keep her…because it was the 1980s, simpler times when the automatic assumption was that the old man actually just cared about the kid and wanted to be there for her and wasn’t trying to keep her as a slave locked up in his basement or something.

Ahh how times have changed.  Punky Brewster just wouldn’t fly as a TV show today.  It was a good show.  There was Brandon the dog.  And her friend Cheri.  And Cheri’s feisty grandmother.  You know, Henry and Cheri’s grandmother really should have hooked up.

Anyway, you will be missed George Gaynes.  The 1980s would not have been the same without you.

Tagged , , , , , ,

A Guide to the Bookshelf Battleverse

Bookshelf Q. Battler.shutterstock_275475362

Our humble poindexter’s life is so vastly complicated that everything you need to know to avoid confusion has been laid out before you as follows:

Part 1 – Bookshelf Q. Battler, the 3.5 Readers and the Magic Bookshelf – or, the Head Nerd in Charge, the people who waste their time on his schlock, and the mystical piece of office furniture that makes his life interesting.

Part 2 – The Magic Bookshelf Characters – aka the little people who are eating BQB out of house and home, when they aren’t trying to blow it up.

Part 3 – BQB’s Family and BQB HQ – Where BQB hangs his hat and the people (and dog) most welcome there.

Part 4 – The Aliens – The Mighty Potentate who has declared that Earth’s fate rests on BQB’s writing career (sorry, Earth) and Alien Jones, the being dispatched by the Potent One to watch BQB’s back.

Part 5 – The Villains – A yeti, a mad scientist, and an angry blonde chick walk into a bar…

Part 6 – The Funky Hunks – Your mom’s favorite rap duo.

Part 7 – Pop Culture Mysteries – BQB’s spinoff blog, which you should check out at popculturemysteries.com

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Now up on Wattpad – Enter the Blonde – Revised Edition

shutterstock_24224476 June 1, 2015. It was the day that Jake Dashing returned to his office to find a beautiful blonde attorney sitting in his desk chair.

She came with an offer: solve 100 “Pop Culture Mysteries” for her eccentric client, the notorious nerd blogger Bookshelf Q. Battler and in exchange, said nerd will dish the details on how Jake can return to his own time.

Delilah K. Donnelly. Was she an angel with the answer to Jake’s prayers, or like so many dames before her, was she just looking to dance the Charleston on Jake’s ticker?

Only time will tell.

Bookshelf Q. Battler reviewed the report Jake filed on this matter earlier this year, fleshed out the details and slapped it up for public consumption on Wattpad.

You can find it in Pop Culture Mysteries – Season One.

Right after the story there’s an ad from the American Organization Against Anti-American Tomfoolery advising you on how to figure out whether or not your neighbor is a smelly communist.

You can never be too careful when it comes to those pinkos.

 

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Pop Culture Mysteries – Season One Ranked #795 on Wattpad

shutterstock_71510056.jpg

Take a knee, 3.5 readers, for I have some joyous news to share.

Pop Culture Mysteries – Season One is currently ranked #795 is Mystery/Thriller on Wattpad.

I know! It’s the first time I’ve been ranked on any kind of list, and that includes all of those field day participation ribbons I racked up in elementary school.

You have questions, don’t you?

WHAT IS WATTPAD? 

It’s a great site where writers can publish and share their stories.

WHY WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT?

To gain a following. To share ideas. To get feedback. For me, it has helped me get over that little voice that whispers “you’re not good enough!” in my ear. When people start sharing positive comments, that voice starts to pipe down. I highly recommend it.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE RANKED #795?

Fame. Fortune. Hot babes throwing themselves at me. (Video Game Rack Fighter is too busy playing Car Thief Mayhem to care.)

No. None of these things. It basically means of all the Mystery/Thriller stories on Wattpad, I’m in the top 1,000.

That was a big boost that I needed. As we head into the new year, there’s been a voice in my head nagging me that I’m wasting my time with this and I needed something like this to happen.

Screen Shot 2015-12-18 at 7.17.31 PM

Aunt Gertie’s going to tell all the gals at the old folks’ home about this!

HOW DID IT HAPPEN?

I’m not sure. If you know how the Wattpad rankings work, please let me know. I’ve been making an effort to comment/share feedback on others’s stories lately, I started a new site for the “Pop Culture Mysteries” –  popculturemysteries.com, a Facebook page  and so on.

I’ve been posting the story in rough draft form on this site, Bookshelf Battle, since June and have been sharing PCM stories on Wattpad for awhile.

BUT – what really surprised me is that this particularly version “Pop Culture Mysteries – Season One” has only been up since the beginning of December. So to get into the top grand people really began taking notice, however it happened.

WHAT’S GOING ON WITH SEASON ONE?

My writing process:

  • I’ve written some posts on this blog. I am writing others in a word document.
  • I’m revising them, polishing them, and posting them in Season One on Wattpad.
  • Eventually, these posts will reach their final home on popculturemysteries.com, which should be “officially” up and running by April 1.
  • Right now, I’m wrapping up a revised edition of “Enter the Blonde” in which Jake and Delilah meet for the first time and negotiate the infamous “Pop Culture Mystery Contract.”

HOW CAN WE HELP YOU, BQB?

An excellent question. Frankly, it’s about time you asked it. The first thought you should have when you wake up in the morning should be, “What can I do to help Bookshelf Q. Battler’s writing career?”

I’m not doing this for me. I’m doing this for Earth. The Mighty Potentate has threatened to conquer our planet if I don’t get myself established as a noteworthy scribe soon.

My hope is to sustain and even surpass this rank. I’d like to move up higher on the charts.

If you’re on Wattpad, please consider following me – @bookshelfbattle and voting for/commenting on “Pop Culture Mysteries – Season One.”

Let me know what’s working and what isn’t. All kidding aside, this is a fun, unique story told in a very distinct hardboiled voice, and I think people are slowly but surely starting to recognize it.

I just need to get my butt in gear to keep them coming back for more.

If you’re not a Wattpadder, become one! Sign up, share some stories, trade ideas with other writers. Maybe this will be your big break. A number of writing careers have been successfully launched thanks to Wattpad.

THANKS 3.5 READERS

You are all appreciated. I couldn’t have done this without you. By the way, do you realize if each of you would just tell one friend about my efforts, I’d end up with 7 whole readers?

So many readers.  Must have more readers…

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Advertisements