Bookshelf Q. Battler’s real name is Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein. Don’t tell his enemies.
EAST RANDOMTOWN, USA – Bookshelf Q. Battler’s 3.5 readers are plotzing like there’s no tomorrow over a major reveal on the Bookshelf Battle Blog, the real name of our illustrious blog host – Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein.
“It wasn’t that big a reveal to me,” said Aunt Gertie, one of the 3.5. “I’ve known my little Eduardo since I was changing his stinky diapers but if he prefers being referred to as Bookshelf Q. Battler, then who am I to argue?”
Alien Jones, a space traveler from a far away galaxy assigned by his ruler, the Mighty Potentate, to aid Bookshelf Q. Battler in his efforts to get a writing career off the ground in any way possible, said, “Well, that’s just ridiculous. There’s no possible friggin’ way that I’m going to be able to get people to read a book written by a guy named, ‘Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein.'”
When asked if that comment meant he that he was in disagreement with the Mighty Potentate, who has steadfastly maintained that BQB’s fabulous writing skills are the only thing keeping a new age of entertainment where reality television dominates over scripted media from sweeping across the universe, the Esteemed Brainy one replied, “Foolish Earth Loser! That was just a joke! Of course I concur with the wisdom of the Mightiest of Potentates, may his exuberance be known throughout the cosmos. Eduardo Ricardo Papasomething or other…yes. That’s a fine name.”
What are the chances of a man named Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein being published? This reporter consulted with none other than Beatrix Carmoody of Carmoody and Associates Literary Agency.
“Look,” Ms. Carmoody said. “I don’t care if the guy’s written a book that makes Shakespeare look like a circus monkey, with all the intrigue of Game of Thrones and all the epic wonder of Star Wars and Harry Potter combined. If it’s got, “Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein” on the cover, then there’s no way anyone is buying that shit.”
Alien Jones was notified of this information.
Alien Jones in a rare display of emotion upon realizing his job just got 1,000 times harder.
“Ahh,” said Mr. Jones. “Well, I’ve read BQB’s work toward a novel and so far all he’s done is write out the lyrics to Baby’s Got Back a hundred times. Oh and once in awhile he’ll type out, ‘I have no idea what to say so I’m going to go get a donut.’ He has about fifty pages of that. Sooo, Shakespeare plus Star Wars plus Harry Potter and he still doesn’t have a chance because of his name?”
Alien Jones then excused himself and banged his head against a wall for fifteen minutes straight. Upon his return, he stated to this reporter, “It’s no big deal. If the Mighty Potentate says that BQB is the chosen one then who am I to argue with his Fabulous Potentositude? And I’m saying that because I truly believe in my mission and not out of an intense fear that the Mighty Potentate might vaporize me for disagreeing, as he has done with so, so many others. All hail the Mighty Potentate.”
Bookshelf Q. Battledog, Head of Security for the Bookshelf Battle Compound, provided this insightful comment:
Woof.
Woof indeed, BQBD. Woof indeed. That says it all, doesn’t it? But as Head of Security, is this cunning canine worried that his boss’s true moniker is out in the open?
Woof woof.
As always, a stoic security professional of few words.
One hundred pounds of badass in a five pound bag.
What’s the significance of this big reveal? This reporter went straight to the source.
“It’s not that big a deal,” Bookshelf Q. Battler said. “Sure, I comprised the security of the Bookshelf Battle Compound but, you know, it was for a hot nerd chick so whatever. It’s not like anyone really reads this thing and I’m sure my 3.5 readers will be cool. Things shouldn’t change at all and people should continue to call me by my codename, Bookshelf Q. Battler. My real name can’t fall into the hands of my arch nemesis, the Yeti.”
The Yeti was unavailable for comment, as he was too busy being trained by Fit Nerd as part of a new series, Fit Nerd Trains the Yeti.
Stupid Yeti
3.5 readers are directed to not share BQB’s real name with anyone, especially any smelly yetis they may encounter.
“So I shouldn’t have told everyone at the bingo hall?” Aunt Gertie asked.
No comment, Gertie. No comment.
Bookshelf Battle 
Don’t worry, your secret is safe with us, Mr. Papageorgio. Or, Mr. Finklestein. Mr. Von Finklestein? Whatever.
It’s still Bookshelf Q. Battler as usual. It was a tough call. I didn’t know Victoria Gloria at the time so I wasn’t sure whether to use my given name or code name so I went with given.
[…] learns he has a ridiculous amount in common with his new female acquaintance. Also, we learn BQB’s real name. What a bombshell. The press have been calling nonstop. Or is it nonstart? Oh, and Holmes […]
Not even under torture will I be able to remember–um, I mean, will I reveal–your true name.