Our top story tonight, Bookshelf Q. Battler, in the surprise of the century, has not only survived the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse, but also uncovered an underhanded plot by the vile and corrupt General Morganstern.
“I couldn’t have done it without the 31 zombie authors,” Mr. Battler said. “Each one is at the top of the zombie fiction game and the advice they provided to me was crucial. From Sarah Lyons Fleming spelling it out to me how to pack a bug out bag to J.M. Wilde enduring my inquiries about which way the water swirls down the toilet in Australia, these fine scribes were there for me when I needed them and I urge all of my 3.5 readers to purchase their books early and often.”
Further, Mr. Battler also credited Network News One’s own Hot Ass Blond Chick for his survival. With complete disregard for her own personal safety, the Hot Ass Blond Chick flew into a zombie war zone in order to report on an impromptu Funky Hunks concert, thus proving that BQB was alive and that Gen. Morganstern was just a smelly liar trying to use the zombie apocalypse as a cover to blow BQB’s shit up.
“A pulitzer is definitely coming the Hot Ass Blonde Chick’s way,” said Sir Isaac Pulitzer, Chairman of the Pulitzer Prize Committee.
The zombies are gone and the remaining citizens of East Randomtown face the long, arduous task of cleaning up their town.
But what of the aftermath? Will Dr. Hugo Von Science, the culprit behind the zombie apocalypse, be brought to justice? What of Gen. Morganstern? Just what exactly occurred during Operation Fuhrerpunschen, the so-called mission that allegedly led to Adolf Hitler being punched in the face by an American operative? Why did Morganstern want so desperately to cover that mission up?
And most importantly:
Bookshelf Q. Battler has made a lot of crazy claims on his blog – namely, that he has an alien friend, that a 1950’s private detective is in his employ, and even that he is the owner of a magic bookshelf. All of these assertions have seemed like the mindless rantings of an eccentric dingus, but with the media frenzy over the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse shining some light on the Bookshelf Battle Blog…should the government make an inquiry into whether or not these oddball claims are, in fact, real?
That’s it for this hour. Coming up in the next news block, are spiders crawling up your nose while you’re asleep and laying eggs in your brain? Better stay up until our Hot Ass Blonde Chick provides you with the answer after sports and weather.