BREAKING NEWS: Bookshelf Q. Battler Survives the Zombie Apocalypse!

By: Kurt Manley, Network News One Anchorshutterstock_193904291 copy

Our top story tonight, Bookshelf Q. Battler, in the surprise of the century, has not only survived the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse, but also uncovered an underhanded plot by the vile and corrupt General Morganstern.

“I couldn’t have done it without the 31 zombie authors,”  Mr. Battler said.  “Each one is at the top of the zombie fiction game and the advice they provided to me was crucial.  From Sarah Lyons Fleming spelling it out to me how to pack a bug out bag to J.M. Wilde enduring my inquiries about which way the water swirls down the toilet in Australia, these fine scribes were there for me when I needed them and I urge all of my 3.5 readers to purchase their books early and often.”

Best Reporter Ever

Best Reporter Ever

Further, Mr. Battler also credited Network News One’s own Hot Ass Blond Chick for his survival.  With complete disregard for her own personal safety, the Hot Ass Blond Chick flew into a zombie war zone in order to report on an impromptu Funky Hunks concert, thus proving that BQB was alive and that Gen. Morganstern was just a smelly liar trying to use the zombie apocalypse as a cover to blow BQB’s shit up.

“A pulitzer is definitely coming the Hot Ass Blonde Chick’s way,” said Sir Isaac Pulitzer, Chairman of the Pulitzer Prize Committee.

The zombies are gone and the remaining citizens of East Randomtown face the long, arduous task of cleaning up their town.

But what of the aftermath?  Will Dr. Hugo Von Science, the culprit behind the zombie apocalypse, be brought to justice?  What of Gen. Morganstern?  Just what exactly occurred during Operation Fuhrerpunschen, the so-called mission that allegedly led to Adolf Hitler being punched in the face by an American operative?  Why did Morganstern want so desperately to cover that mission up?

And most importantly:

Bookshelf Q. Battler has made a lot of crazy claims on his blog – namely, that he has an alien friend, that a 1950’s private detective is in his employ, and even that he is the owner of a magic bookshelf.  All of these assertions have seemed like the mindless rantings of an eccentric dingus, but with the media frenzy over the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse shining some light on the Bookshelf Battle Blog…should the government make an inquiry into whether or not these oddball claims are, in fact, real?

That’s it for this hour.  Coming up in the next news block, are spiders crawling up your nose while you’re asleep and laying eggs in your brain?  Better stay up until our Hot Ass Blonde Chick provides you with the answer after sports and weather.

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2 thoughts on “BREAKING NEWS: Bookshelf Q. Battler Survives the Zombie Apocalypse!

  1. John Charet says:

    Another great blog post as always and another Halloween year bit to dust 🙂 I love some of the names like “Hot Ass Blonde Chick”, “Sir Isaac Pulitzer” and “Hugo Von Science” Classic stuff 🙂 One thing I am surprised about is that under Bookshelf Q Battler’s crazy claims, it never mentions once any conspiracies about Bigfoot or that Elvis is alive 🙂 This is a very funny and entertaining blog post as are all of your posts 🙂 Any idea what the month of November will bring to this blog. Anyway, keep up the great work as usual 🙂

    • Fun facts –

      1) Video Game Rack Fighter and Bookshelf Q. Battler are “similar-opposites.” In that they have a great deal in common, but those things are just a little bit different. While BQB’s arch enemy is “The Yeti,” VGRF’s nemesis is “the Sasquatch.”

      We haven’t seen much of the Sasquatch though. He’s around somewhere.

      2) One of the 3.5 readers did pose a question to Alien Jones as to whether or not Elvis was an alien and according to AJ, he was. The Esteemed Brainy One maintains that Elvis was an alien prince, sewing his wild oats as a rock star on Earth for awhile, but when his alien father (i.e. an alien king) died, Elvis faked his own death to return to his home planet and assume the throne and that’s why Elvis is “the King.”

      Attorney Donnelly advises me to say that’s all nonsense. She likes to rain on my parade.

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