By: Jake Dashing, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Private
You’re a writer, a scribe, a wordsmith, but you’re not just any ordinary
Mickey Spillane type either. Oh no. Like an bona fide seamstress, you thread your words ever so delicately through the eye of the needle that is your book only to attach it to your readers’ hearts just so you can yank them to and fro, turning them into your own personal puppets.
You sling your work like hash fresh off the grill, serving them straight into the gaping maws of your fans and like a bunch of trained seals, they always slap their fins together and beg for me.
You barely have time as it is but you need to make some, because time flies when you’re having fun but it should always stand still for a man in need. And as I’ve been instructed to say by a beautiful blonde attorney, that man in none other than one Bookshelf Q. Battler.
Battler’s setting up a new website, see? “Pop Culture Mysteries” is the name and answering entertainment questions is the game, or rather, it’s my game, as that pencil neck dweeb has concocted a scheme to drive me indefinitely into a life of involuntarily servitude.
But troubles are a dime a dozen, a plug nickel on Sunday, and the last thing you need is to have a bum like me bend your ear with mine. What you need to know is what Battler wants from you.
He’s got the pop culture part covered. What he needs now is more mystery and like a door with a bright big red X painted on it, that’s where you come in.
You see, Battler fancies himself a writer only no one has the nerve to tell him that they’ve seen bird cage liners with more flare than the schlock this palooka churns out.
He wants to learn some tips to improve his writing skills (I know, you’re good but you’re no miracle worker) and he wants to catch the twinkling eyes of mystery fans the world over and bring them to his site, so to cut a longwinded gab session in half, he wants me to interview you.
And I’ll do it in my typical hardboiled noir style.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, SPECIFICALLY?
I’ll write the questions. You write your answers. I’ll turn it into Battler and he’ll slap it up on the Interwhatever, see?
IS THERE ANY COMPENSATION?
Are you kidding? Someone check my leg because I think it’s being pulled.
Battler’s such a lousy cheap skate that you wouldn’t be able to open up his wallet with a crowbar and a plumber’s helperzx . If you did, a squadron of moths would fly out and dance the hula mid air as a joyous victory celebration of their newfound freedom.
You’d sooner get a rummy to part with his bottle than you’d get Battler to part with a penny and…ok…you get the point.
Battler can send his 3.5 readers your way though. I put on my green eyeshade, crunched the numbers and realized that means a total of seven new eyeballs on your work. Maybe one of them wears an eyepatch or something, I don’t know.
CAN BATTLER BE TRUSTED?
Your asking the wrong fella, Jack. I trust Battler about as far as I can throw him and since he’s insulated himself behind his blonde bombshell of an attorney, I’m not able to toss that lug very far at all.
But that’s between Battler and I. What I do know is this cat treats writers who help him out like royalty, so take that into consideration.
#31ZombieAuthors – I don’t believe in the supernatural and I think Battler is full of three day old horse manure when it comes to the tall tales on his site, bookshelfbattle.com. But he did interview #31ZombieAuthors in October 2015, 1 a day for 31 days and it was a rousing success.
Ask the Alien – I don’t think Battler’s telling the truth about being friends with an alien from outer space. After all, a little green man in search of intelligent life would be bored out of his mind with Battler as a buddy. Aside from that though, this column has promoted the works of around 20 authors. Add that to #31ZombieAuthors and we’re talking over 50 satisfied writers.
As a writer, you make your living on your reputation, so it makes sense that you’d be skeptical about throwing your hat into a ring run by a weirdo who claims to be friends with aliens.
That’s why Battler offers everyone a guarantee. You don’t like the post of your interview? Let Battler know and it comes down. No muss. No fuss. No problem.
50 author promos later and not one has asked for this, but if you do, BQB will yank that interview like he’s starting a boat motor. Like all of my hopes and dreams, your interview will be gone and that will be that. No hard feelings, as if there are any other kind.
If you’re interested, let Battler know. If you’re not, I don’t blame you. Between you, me and the four walls, that guy is a big loser with about as much charisma as a wet blanket in a tepid pool of water.
So thanks for listening, ya big lug ya and if you’re ever in my neck of the woods, well, I’d say drinks are on me but since i’m broke, they’ll be on you.
Get me something good. Nothing fruity but otherwise it doesn’t matter as long as it helps me to pass out and stop all the bad memories I have from playing over and over again like a bad gag reel.
It’s been a real gas, kid.