Happy Sunday 3.5 readers.
Fun fact: today is International Go Topless Day.
I’m not sure I should link to information about this holiday because that would warp your degenerate minds.
Needless to say, there are women who believe it is discriminatory that men get to walk around topless and they don’t. So they have parades and events and stuff where they let their fun bags fly free.
Ehh…of all the causes out there I’m not sure there’s a whole lot of opposition. I don’t think you’ll find a lot of men saying, “No! No I do not want to see those boobs! Cover up those boobs!”
Although personally as a man, I can tell you that we men often view easily viewed boobs as some sort of trap, kind of like Lucy holding the football only to yank it away and laugh when Charlie Brown runs up to kick it.
I assume (though don’t get mad at me if you think this is assumption is wrong because I don’t I’m just talking at random here) there are probably some women who’d whip the ole sweater cannons out only to be all like “How dare you stare at my sweater cannons?!” if a man stares at them.
Am I in favor of this holiday? Well, sure. I don’t mind free range boobs. I’d probably still sneak glances because like I said, typically seeing boobs requires copious amounts of effort so when they’re easily seen my mind is trained to think something’s up, but at any rate if adult women want to let it all hang out, they won’t get any argument from me.
Then again, I can also see the argument many might have that this is a slippery slope. Should men be allowed to let their junk hang out? Should we all be able to go pantsless and let our cheeks flap in the breeze?
Maybe we should. Maybe thats how we were made. Maybe we should all revert to Garden of Eden pre-Eve apple munch days when we were all innocent and frolicked in the sun in our birthday suits.
Then again, clothes do serve a purpose. They keep us warm. They keep us from leaving skid marks on publicly used seats. They keep us from getting our germs all over supermarket produce. I’m not sure how that works. Germs leap off your butt and onto the cucumbers. For a better explanation, you’ll have to conduct noted scientist Dr. Hugo Von Science.
Heck, clothes probably even keep our junk from getting slammed in car doors more than we realize.
And there are probably some people who might get offended by the boobs. Maybe they’re trying to take their kids for a walk and don’t want to cover their eyes the whole time. Maybe there are enough boobs in Congress already that we have to see on the news 24/7.
Perhaps we could limit free range hooters to nude beaches. Getting some sun on those things is the only real reason to turn them loose outside anyway, right?
Oh but then again if you limit it to certain beaches then that would be like creating boob internment camps right? Never again, man. Never again.
And finally, I consider myself a philosopher. During my many years of Shaolin training, my master used to ask me, “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, does it make a sound?”
That’s a question designed to train the mind to tackle complexity. Very hard to answer.
Similarly, if boobs are hanging out, but men don’t stare at them because they don’t want to get arrested for First Degree Boob Staring, then were the boobs ever out to begin with?
I don’t know 3.5 readers. ‘Tis a question for the ages.
Women, if you’re celebrating this day, enjoy.
Men, don’t stare. It’s a trap.