Hey 3.5 readers.
Just wanted to give you 3.5 readers a handy tip – if you’re thinking about going to a strip club, don’t bother.
Now honestly, that’s been good advice for a long time, no matter the time period. You get sad, a strange woman briefly slaps you in the face with her knockers, you feel better for five minutes but then ultimately, you’d of been better of if you’d of saved your money. That money in a bank account with compounding interest would have done more for you than using it to pay for a brief breast slap to the face, fun as that may be.
But according to my colleague, the Alleged Man i.e. the man that people think pretends to be me and all the other characters on this illustrious site, strip clubs are pretty much a big let down these days because millennial strippers are the worst.
AM used to visit strip clubs when he was younger and he advises that the Generation X strippers were really a bunch of go-getters. You’d walk into the joint and within 5 minutes they’d be sitting on your lap, offering you lap dances, doing yeoman’s work to use their giant fake breasts to convince you to part with your hard earned cash.
Hell, many of them were even pests about it. AM recalls many an occasion when he just wanted to hang out and not spend much money and ogle the stripper on the pole while nursing a drink all night. Gen X strippers would pester him for lap dances. AM would say no, sorry, he’s all out of money. But the savvy, hard working Gen X strippers would be all like, “Oh, you know we have an ATM…oh, you know, we take credit cards, oh you know, there’s a place nearby that will cash a check, oh you know you could do this, or that…”
I mean really, the Gen X strippers went the extra mile. Sometimes the AM felt like any second they were going to put on a green eye shade and pull out a calculator and like a used car salesman trying to close a deal, say, “What’s it going to take to put my butt on your lap today?”
AM stopped that though. Too expensive. Bad habit really. He grew up and learned money in the bank is worth more than a brief dalliance with a skank. (That rhymed.)
But he felt sad lately and visited one and he is sad to say that millennial strippers are the worst.
First, they all choose their stripper names based on pop culture. “Chastity” and “Misty” and “Amber” are all gone. Now it’s all, “Coming up on the main stage, Khaleesi!” Seriously. Khaleesi. Oh and Elsa. A lot of Frozen and Game of Thrones fans among the millennial stripper community apparently.
Second, the work ethic is gone. While those Generation X strippers would descend upon AM and get him on his way in no time, leaving him briefly enticed followed by sad and broke, the millennial strippers just mill about on their cell phones. They text, they do social media, they take selfies, they talk to each other, play phone games, everything but get out there and earn some green from all the losers who have come in willing to part with their cash to the first pretty face they see.
I mean, really, AM had half a mind to raise his hand and say, “Excuse me, what do I have to do to spend an absurd amount of money to get slapped in the face with a pair of bosoms around here?”
Yes, AM misses the days of the early 2000s when Generation X strippers really worked hard for those dirty, wrinkly, sweaty dollar bills. Sadly, like every other group within the millennial generation, millennial strippers just think the dirty, wrinkly sweaty dollar bills are going to magically pop into their G-strings without doing all the leg work…or grind work or what have you.
Oh, FYI my lawyer says to tell you this is just a story, a musing, none of this happened. AM is a teetotalling bible studier and he spends most of his free time studying the bible and washing leper feet. The only way he’d ever go to a strip club would be to tell the strippers to repent, pray for their souls and beg for the Lord’s forgiveness and to find a more dignified means of supporting themselves.