Category Archives: Tomfoolery

Not All of My Posts Can Be Winners

I know, 3.5 readers.  You’ve grown used to finding gold on this amazing blog every day.

But I’m not a machine, you know.  Not all of my posts can be winners.

All I can think of to say today is to follow me on twitter – @bookshelfbattle

That’s it.  That’s all.  Go have a snow cone and do something productive.

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Elderly Hipsters

It’s a disturbing trend, 3.5 readers. A disturbing trend indeed.

This weekend I saw three elderly hipsters.

Two were a couple.  She had this wacky poofy hair style even though half her hair was gone.

He had a leather jacket and a trilby. I mean, WTF?  If you’re old then you can wear a fedora because you can be all like, “I was wearing this since it was in style.”

But a trilby?  Yeesh. Old ass hipster.

Then I saw an old woman wearing “Juicy Couture” pants. Ugh. I mean yeah it’s juicy I suppose but at that age that’s not the kind of juice I want in my glass.

It’s starting. The aging of people who grew up with hipsterism.  They will retain their hipster ways forever.

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Happy Easter, 3.5 Readers

Oh, 3.5 readers.  What would I do without you?

Thank you for being my 3.5 readers.  Enjoy your day.

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My Mother of All Bombs (MOAB) Joke really upped my stats

Apparently people are searching the inter webs a lot for info about the MOAB.  So, sorry to be a shameless self-promoter but hey, in this game, you got to do what you got to do.

MOAB!  MOAB!  Mother of all bombs!  Information about MOAB!  My blog is so terrible that I think it might be the mother of all bombs…

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A Joke About the Mother of All Bombs (MOAB)

Hey 3.5 readers.

So I wrote a joke about the Mother of All Bombs.  Tasteless?  Sorry.  Did you come here on accident while you were looking for Masterpiece Theater or something?

Here goes:

“Today the U.S. military announced that they dropped the largest non-nuclear bomb on terrorists in Afghanistan.  Sources say the terrorists will be digging copies of Pootie Tang out of the desert for years.”

Bah ha ha!  Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, any of you late night talk show hosts, feel free to use that one but just be sure to credit me, BQB.  I’m here all week, folks.  Don’t forget to tip your waitresses.

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Nerds Continue to Love Bookshelf Q. Battler

Hello 3.5 readers.  Sorry if you saw this already, but I paid good money for this so I have to keep throwing it around:

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Dear 3.5 Readers

Writing is too hard.  I am too old and fat to be bothered with it anymore.  I have decided to lie down in the street and wait for the Yeti to eat me, for he too is fat.

I leave this blog to my dear Video Game Rack Fighter.  I advise her to sell it for 3.5 dollars to 3.5 Japanese businessmen.  May they have more luck with this site, perhaps by turning it into an online advertising forum for Japanese fish soap.

VGRF, I know it will be very lonely for you when I am gone.  That is why I want you to forego the ridiculous idea that you could ever meet a man better than yours truly and instead, stuff my reconstructed body and pose me on the couch so that you could look longingly at me for the rest of your days.

Take care, 3.5 readers.  You guys really blew it by not becoming 3,500.5 readers.  I am off to become Yeti chow now and my journey will end as I am passed through the Yeti’s colon.

Sincerely,

BQB, Soon to Be Yeti Poop (Which in Retrospect, Renders My Request to Be Posthumously Stuffed Null and Void)

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You people drive a hard bargain…

Fine.  Forget 3,500 followers.  If I can get 2,500 WordPress followers, I will hire the chainsaw juggler to do a celebratory video.  That’s only 400 followers, people.  Tell your homies.

Does this blog suck?

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here, channeling my inner Vinny Baggadouchio and asking if my blog sucks.  Does it suck?

If it does suck, what are some ways in which I can make it not suck?

If it does not suck, why do you think it does not suck?

Personally, I feel it needs more organization because my posts get buried in the blogroll whereas there might be some gems from the past that people might like to check out.

Also, in retrospect, I’m not sure that “Bookshelf Q. Battler” was the catchiest of pen names to choose, but after investing three years into it, I’m not sure it is wise to start over from scratch with something else.

Also, this blog is supposed to be, in part, a chronicle of my BQB adventures yet I feel like I never have the time to tell you all about the amazing nerd adventures I have been on.  Would you read them if I did?  People don’t seem to read stories on blogs, I have been noticing.  So in that regard, perhaps this idea for a blog was dumb but again after three years, I feel like I just can’t cut bait and run.  Who knows if another blog idea would do any better?

Thoughts?  Thank you 3.5.  Also, why haven’t you 3.5 readers become 3,500.5 readers yet?  What are you waiting for?  What can I do to make this happen?

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50 Best Pickup Lines

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Hey 3.5 readers.  Did you know that I am an expert pickup line writer?  I can’t use them myself, unless I use them all on Video Game Rack Fighter, but here are some pickup lines that, well, I can’t tell you if they will work or not.

If you are feeling adventurous, feel free to use them, though my lawyer advises the Bookshelf Battle Blog will take no responsibility for any injuries, physical, mental or otherwise, that you sustain due to using them:

#1 – Hey baby.  I have a 401K.  Bask in my financial responsibility.

#2 – I’m a time traveler sent here from the future to get all up in dat phat ass.

#3 – Wanna play hide the pickle?  No, really, I’m talking about a cucumber that was soaked in brine for an extended time period.

#4 – There’s a hamster in my pocket.  Want to pet it?

#5 – Are you from Heaven?  Because I need an angel to save me.  No seriously, I’m a depressed meth addict without a job or a place to stay and I really need you to save me baby.

#6 – Can I buy you a drink and/or possibly multiple drinks?  How much alcohol do you need to ingest in order for me to appear remotely attractive?

#7 – I made a sex tape once.  Critics called it “the best comedy of the year.”

#8 – I fart.  You fart.  Let’s fart together.

#9 – Damn baby are you a whale because that is one back I’d like to hump.

#10 – Baby, what’s your sign?  Mine’s vagitarious.

#11 – Care for some cunnilingus?  I’ve got my own miner’s helmet with the flashlight built in.  Perfect for spelunking.

#12 – Your face makes me believe anything is possible.  Do you think us rubbing our nasty bits together would be possible?

#13 – Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by you three trillion more times?

#14 – My mom’s with her bridge club so I have the apartment all to myself tonight.

#15 – There’s a party in my pants and you’re the guest of honor.  Get in there and get your cake, girl.

#16 – Arr!  I be a pirate and I claim yon booty for me, arr!

#17 – Let me just put it in for a minute thirty.  Pretend I’m a hot pocket and you’re a microwave.

#18 – I do laundry.  I will wash that outfit and press it after you leave it all over my floor tonight, girl.

#19 – Let’s get married right now and figure out if we like each other tomorrow

#20 – I just went to Taco Bell and I’ve got about a half hour until my butt explodes.  Let’s do this thing, baby.

#21 – I promise I have no STDs.  Literally no woman has ever touched my penis, so it is completely safe.

#22 – I always light a scented candle after I let one rip.

#23 – Why haven’t you made my dinner yet?

#24 – Baby take a ride in my Toyota Corolla.

#25 – I would like to take you for a drive in my weird looking 1970s era, non-descript white van.

#26 – All my ex-girlfriends told me that it was them and not me.  I felt that was really big of them to be able to admit their personal failings.

#27 – What’s your sign?  “Open for Business” hopefully.

#28 – Am I really that ugly or am I just abstract?

#29 – So, do you live around here?  No, seriously, can you draw me a map to your house and write down what times you are sleeping?

#30 – I do magic!

#31 – Have you met my ventriloquist dummy?

#32 – I think there’s a coin behind your ear…

#33 – Pull my finger.

#34 – Do you twerk?  Because I know a class that can teach you…

#35 – I look fabulous when I’m covered in cheese whiz.

#36 – Hey look!  Two boobs, no waiting!

#37 – Do you want to see my impression of a motor boat?

#38 – Would you care to see my lair?

#39 – Free mustache rides!

#40 – Free discount gynecology exams!

#41 – Hello.  I’m Donald Hump.  Want to make my penis great again?

#42 – I’d love to take you on a romantic vacation but my parole officer says I’m not allowed to leave the state.

#43 – They broke the mold when they made you, but I’d love to fix that mold and make another you, you know, one that I could just feel up and not have to listen to her babble or put up with her bullshit or anything.

#44 – You.  Me.  A hot tub and a vat of orange marmalade.  No, you can’t know what the orange marmalade is for.  I don’t even know what it is for.  I’m just improvising as I go along, baby.

#45 – Pardon me, ma’am but are those yours or did you steel with two of LeBron James’ game balls?

#46 – Eh, come on.  If it isn’t me it’s just going to be some other asshole.

#47 – Do you like my beard?  I drew it with a magic marker.

#48 – I have money.  Lots of money.  Just take my word for it.  No, you can’t look at my bank records.  Where’s the trust?

#49 –  Of all the babes in this bar, you are the hottest one that I just happen to be sitting next to.

#50 – I just took a breath mint so I’m good to go.

 

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