Category Archives: Tomfoolery

People Want to Know My Secret!

People always ask me:

“Bookshelf Q. Battler – how did you become the best blogger of all time?  I too want to have 3.5 readers.”

Well, you’re in luck.  I wrote up a handy guide to blogging greatness and you can find it here.

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Logo Ideas

I think I’m going to procure a Fiverr artist to make me a Bookshelf Q. Battler cartoon of myself that I can put on my social media or on my Amazon profile since I will soon be a self-published author.

I’m considering the following:

  1.  Just BQB – a nerd in a super hero costume with a cape.  In the center of the nerd’s chest where the super symbol (like Superman S) would be “BQB.”
  2. BQB kicking the Yeti in the Face.
  3. BQB and Alien Jones, each holding laser blasters in kind of a Lethal Weapon style buddy cop pose.
  4. A Star Wars style logo with me, the Yeti, Video Game Rack Fighter and Alien Jones in various awesome poses.

My ideas thus far.  I’m leaning just towards Superhero BQB as I wonder if the more I shove into the design the more cluttered it becomes.

It’s a lot of money (more than a fiver to get a good one) so I’m worried it might suck.

Which idea do you like or do you have a better one?

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The Art of the Rick Roll

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

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I do love a good Rick Roll…but what is it about this thirty some odd year old song that has the Internet going ga ga today?  Why is it considered clever to trick someone into clicking on this video?

Is it Rick’s good looks?  No.  The man’s clearly a flat-top sporting ginger.

Is it his funky dance moves?  No.  He clearly just holds his hands out, makes a couple of fists, then sways from side to side.

Is it his sense of style?  No.  The man is clearly wearing some kind of 1980s trench coat, like he’s some kind of flasher….except not, because he has clothes on underneath.

It’s none of these things.  Yet, Rick is so damn desirable to the ladies for one reason:  his song is all about pure love.

Rick isn’t one of those rappers, promising a quote unquote “bitch” money, diamonds, wealth, jewelry, power and so on in exchange for her phat ass.  No sir.  Rick may not be much to look at, but he boils love down to its core essentials, rattling off a list to a blonde woman in the video of the basics that he, and frankly any good man, would give to a woman:

I’m never gonna give you up,

Never gonna let you down,

Never gonna run around, and desert you.

Never gonna make you cry.

Never gonna say goodbye.

Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.

Look people, we’ve established Rick is not much to look at.  He can’t dance.  His fashion stinks.  To quote Bobby Ferrin, “He aint got no cash, aint got no style…”

But what he lacks in superficial qualities, he makes up with in heart.  He’s got a big one and he wants this lady to know it.  Rich, handsome, studly men who can dance and don’t have red hair can get all the women they want and sadly, more often than not, they can trick a woman into being used and then tossed aside like yesterday’s stale doughnut.

Not Rick, ladies.  He doesn’t have much going for him and like most of us average to below average looking dudes, the best we can do is promise you the basics of love.  We’re not going to leave you.  We’re not going to lie to you.  We aren’t going to hurt you.

Superficial men may be able to promise you material possessions, but the Rick Astleys of the world know their woman wooing abilities are limited and thus, they embrace all of the aspects of what true love is supposed to be all about, namely – honesty and commitment.

No ladies, if you pick a Rick Astley, he’s probably not going to turn all your friends’ heads and make them jealous of you when you walk into the room together.  He’s not going to buy you a bunch of expensive crap.  He’s most likely going to wear that dumb trench coat to every affair.  He’ll always have red hair.  He’ll always dance like a department store mannequin that just came to life and is trying to figure out how his new body works for the first time.

But – he will be there when you need him, ladies.  Is he cheating on you when he’s not with you?  No, for if you recall, he pledged that he would never run around.  Will he leave you?  No.  He promised he would not desert you.  Is he telling the truth?  Yes.  He made it crystal clear that he will never tell a lie.

Fidelity.  Honesty.  Commitment.  These are the cornerstones of any good relationship and Rick Astley is offering them up on a silver platter.

Rick’s promises are so pure that his career was basically one song and done.  I have no idea if he put out any other songs.  If he did, I can’t name one.  Can you?  If he did, he didn’t have to.  He said all he needed to say about love then rode off into the sunset like a ginger cowboy.

Perhaps that is why it is so fun to do a Rick Roll.  Typically, the joke is to fool narcissistic folks into clicking onto something that they are led to believe will bring them wealth, power, or something else that doesn’t matter much in the grand scheme of things, only to be reminded of what really matters by the Rickster.

As for all of you single ladies out there trying to figure out what you want in a man, let me make it simple for you:  Choose a Rick Astley, ladies.  Choose a Rick Astley.

FYI: I can’t take credit for that meme.  It was floating around in the last election and frankly, maybe we should have elected Rick Astley president.

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Are You a Nerd?

Then you should become one of my 3.5 readers…

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BQB’s Confessions

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They say that confessions are good for the soul.  If that’s true, then I might as well get some things off my chest.

This could get embarrassing.  Good thing this website only has 3.5 readers

Confession #1 – Overeating

I eat too much.  There, I said it.

Everyone’s addicted to something.  Some people have drugs.  Some people have sex.  Some people have alcohol.  Some people have sex while they’re taking drugs and drinking alcohol.

Me?  I’m chasing that pizza dragon.  Sometimes on my way home from a hard day’s work at Beige Corp, I’ll stop off at East Randomtown House of Pizza and pick up an extra large pie with extra cheese, extra pepperoni, extra bacon, and extra pizza.  Yup.  That’s when they put another pizza on top of your pizza.

Then I go home, strip down to my underpants, and from there it becomes like a scene from a bad drug movie.  Like you know when there’s a character on drugs and they do a close up of the spoon as the heroin is melted over a fire and then loaded up into a needle and so on?

(Don’t do that shit, by the way kids.  I’m serious.)

Anyway, that’s me, but with pizza.  In my mind, I can actually here that eerie 1960s drug ballad “White Rabbit” by Jefferson Airplane.

It’s almost like I’m trapped in a scene in an addiction movie.  Just imagine me in my underpants, covered with pizza sauce, sticking another piece down my cake hole while I know I shouldn’t.

Then that song plays.  “One piece of pill makes you stronger and one pill makes you small and the ones that Mother gives you, don’t’ do anything at all…Go ask Alice…when she’s ten feet tall.”

I could rewrite the song but it would be something like, “One piece of pizza makes you larger….”

I Can’t Guarantee My Gym Farts Were Not Loud

I used to work out more.  I’d put in my earbuds, get a good song on, and then just do the elliptical.

When you’re in the zone, and your body is all loose and limber, well, hell, there was gas and it needed to get it out…so out it got.

I assumed they were silent.  I could feel the toots coming out of my pooter but I didn’t hear anything so I figured it was fine.  Smell?  Yeah, but it’s a gym.  The whole place smelled like Red Bull and old man balls.

It was only until years later that I realized the music in my ears may have prevented me from hearing the possible noise in my farts.

I want to be clear.  I don’t know for sure that I openly made noisy farts.  I just can’t tell you I didn’t with a reasonable degree of certainty due to the loud music in my head phones.

I Don’t Donate that Dollar

You ever go to a store and the cashier asks you if you’d like to donate a dollar to whatever organization that they are collecting for?  I never do.  I figure all those dollars add up and then what the hell?

I used to say yes because I felt bad.  Then I said no but I felt bad.  Now I say now and I don’t feel bad.

I am a monster.

Your Confessions

Do you have any funny confessions, 3.5 readers?  Share ’em in the comments and BQB will absolve you of your sins.

NOTE: My lawyer says don’t confess to like, an actual crime.  Just confess to funny, embarrassing yet legal things.  It is legal to eat too much, fart in public, and not donate a dollar, for example.

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For Those Just Tuning In…

In case you’re not up to speed on your Bookshelf Battle history, this blog is the best blog ever created about a magic bookshelf caretaker who spends his days toiling away at Beige Corporation, the world’s premiere producer of beige products and accessories, and his nights at BQB HQ, fighting the forces of evil and writing books to appease the maniacal alien overlord known as the Mighty Potentate.

:::deep breath:::

If you can find a better blog about a magic bookshelf caretaker who spends his days toiling away at Beige Corporation, the world’s premiere producer of beige products and accessories, and his nights at BQB HQ, fighting the forces of evil and writing books to appease the maniacal alien overlord known as the Mighty Potentate…then you’re welcome to check it out.

Or better yet, allow my spokeswoman to explain what this fine blog is all about:

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Not All of My Posts Can Be Winners

I know, 3.5 readers.  You’ve grown used to finding gold on this amazing blog every day.

But I’m not a machine, you know.  Not all of my posts can be winners.

All I can think of to say today is to follow me on twitter – @bookshelfbattle

That’s it.  That’s all.  Go have a snow cone and do something productive.

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Elderly Hipsters

It’s a disturbing trend, 3.5 readers. A disturbing trend indeed.

This weekend I saw three elderly hipsters.

Two were a couple.  She had this wacky poofy hair style even though half her hair was gone.

He had a leather jacket and a trilby. I mean, WTF?  If you’re old then you can wear a fedora because you can be all like, “I was wearing this since it was in style.”

But a trilby?  Yeesh. Old ass hipster.

Then I saw an old woman wearing “Juicy Couture” pants. Ugh. I mean yeah it’s juicy I suppose but at that age that’s not the kind of juice I want in my glass.

It’s starting. The aging of people who grew up with hipsterism.  They will retain their hipster ways forever.

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Happy Easter, 3.5 Readers

Oh, 3.5 readers.  What would I do without you?

Thank you for being my 3.5 readers.  Enjoy your day.

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My Mother of All Bombs (MOAB) Joke really upped my stats

Apparently people are searching the inter webs a lot for info about the MOAB.  So, sorry to be a shameless self-promoter but hey, in this game, you got to do what you got to do.

MOAB!  MOAB!  Mother of all bombs!  Information about MOAB!  My blog is so terrible that I think it might be the mother of all bombs…

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