By: Uncle Hardass, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Grumpy Old Man Correspondent
Hello 3.5 degenerate readers.
Your Old Uncle Hardass here. Still trying to be writers I see. Oh well, I guess it’s good it’s Halloween then. Your parents can just gorge on some Halloween candy to distract themselves about how disappointed they are in you. Can’t say as I blame them. Get jobs, losers!
Anyway, I suppose I’ll wish you a Happy Halloween though I don’t know why. All this holiday is, is an excuse for dummies to put on fake costumes so they can pretend to be something they aren’t but wish they were while putting their hand out, demanding I give them free shit. In other words, Halloween is basically what the world will look like everyday if the blasted Democrats take over. Mark my words. Seriously people. Don’t I pay enough taxes? You all need my candy too? Shiftless clowns.
I mean, maybe it’s ok for five year olds to participate in this waste of time, although really, by four, I had a job and a mortgage and my first case of the gout but whatever, I guess we just spoil young people until the end of time now. Whatever.
So I want to talk to you 3.5 turkeys about “fun sized candy bars.” What a big time hoax this bull shit is. The candy companies sell these bags of little candy bars, call them fun sized and then they basically have figured out a way to charge you more for less candy.
Honestly. What do you dum-dums do every year? You buy one bag but then you worry that your house will be overrun by little turds so you buy five bags. Then, at best, five kids show up, so you then you just eat the rest of it like the fat fuck you are and then you resolve…never again! You’ll only buy one bag next year. Then you’ll do the same thing next year.
Look, just take the same amount of money, buy five regular sized candy bars, the first five kids who got to your door first get the big candy bars and the rest of the little monkeys get Jack Squat. Teach ’em an important life lesson. People who get there early get a reward. People who take their time and fuck around get a big heaping handful of nothing. Really, you’re not doing them any favors by delaying this important lesson.
Are small candy bars fun? No. That’s because nothing in the history of time that is fun has ever been small. Disagree? I knew you would, you contentious freak of nature. Consult my handy list of things that are only fun if they are large:
Titties – Small titties are not fun. Females with small titties, I’m sorry, but your boyfriend is just lying about liking your tiny knockers and is simply waiting for a broad with jumbo jugs to come along.
Santa Clause – No one wants a small, skinny Santa. Christmas is only happy if that fat fuck laughs and shakes his belly like a bowlful of jelly. Fun sized Santa’s belly is flat as a board. Get Santa off Jenny Craig immediately.
SUVS – I see these tiny bitch SUVS all the time. You know how that shit got started? Big men used to buy big trucks. Then they put covers on the back. Then they started putting seats in the back. Then women started driving them and they wanted them smaller and smaller and smaller until you’ve got a little shitbox that’s high off the ground. No fun at all!
Texas – Everything is bigger in the Lone Star State. Try asking for small sizes there. See how fast you get laughed outta town.
Movies – You know what they call a fun sized movie? A TV show. And if you ask me, most TV shows suck. They haven’t made good television since 1959.
Nothing is fun when it is small. Just ask a midget. Midgets are not happy. Their size is not fun. Sure, they’re still people and should be treated as such, but their size is not fun when no matter where they look, they’re staring at a full sized person’s crotch. That’s not fun at all, unless you’re a midget pervert, then I guess, yeah, you’re having a blast. So OK, that’s the only case where being small is fun, i.e. if you are an over-sexed little person.
Any other time, small is not a fun size. So, just buy five full sized candy bars, reward the early bird children who did not rest on their laurels, then tell the other kids to head down to the food stamp line where apparently they will be for the rest of their miserable lives because they can’t get their costumes on time and report for trick or treating at a reasonable time.
Happy Halloween, 3.5 jackasses, though what’s so happy about it I’ll never know.