PRO: They’d have something to eat.
CON: They might get fat.
PRO: They’d have something to eat.
CON: They might get fat.
By: Uncle Hardass, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Grumpy Old Man Correspondent
Hello 3.5 degenerate readers.
Your Old Uncle Hardass here. Still trying to be writers I see. Oh well, I guess it’s good it’s Halloween then. Your parents can just gorge on some Halloween candy to distract themselves about how disappointed they are in you. Can’t say as I blame them. Get jobs, losers!
Anyway, I suppose I’ll wish you a Happy Halloween though I don’t know why. All this holiday is, is an excuse for dummies to put on fake costumes so they can pretend to be something they aren’t but wish they were while putting their hand out, demanding I give them free shit. In other words, Halloween is basically what the world will look like everyday if the blasted Democrats take over. Mark my words. Seriously people. Don’t I pay enough taxes? You all need my candy too? Shiftless clowns.
I mean, maybe it’s ok for five year olds to participate in this waste of time, although really, by four, I had a job and a mortgage and my first case of the gout but whatever, I guess we just spoil young people until the end of time now. Whatever.
So I want to talk to you 3.5 turkeys about “fun sized candy bars.” What a big time hoax this bull shit is. The candy companies sell these bags of little candy bars, call them fun sized and then they basically have figured out a way to charge you more for less candy.
Honestly. What do you dum-dums do every year? You buy one bag but then you worry that your house will be overrun by little turds so you buy five bags. Then, at best, five kids show up, so you then you just eat the rest of it like the fat fuck you are and then you resolve…never again! You’ll only buy one bag next year. Then you’ll do the same thing next year.
Look, just take the same amount of money, buy five regular sized candy bars, the first five kids who got to your door first get the big candy bars and the rest of the little monkeys get Jack Squat. Teach ’em an important life lesson. People who get there early get a reward. People who take their time and fuck around get a big heaping handful of nothing. Really, you’re not doing them any favors by delaying this important lesson.
Are small candy bars fun? No. That’s because nothing in the history of time that is fun has ever been small. Disagree? I knew you would, you contentious freak of nature. Consult my handy list of things that are only fun if they are large:
Titties – Small titties are not fun. Females with small titties, I’m sorry, but your boyfriend is just lying about liking your tiny knockers and is simply waiting for a broad with jumbo jugs to come along.
Santa Clause – No one wants a small, skinny Santa. Christmas is only happy if that fat fuck laughs and shakes his belly like a bowlful of jelly. Fun sized Santa’s belly is flat as a board. Get Santa off Jenny Craig immediately.
SUVS – I see these tiny bitch SUVS all the time. You know how that shit got started? Big men used to buy big trucks. Then they put covers on the back. Then they started putting seats in the back. Then women started driving them and they wanted them smaller and smaller and smaller until you’ve got a little shitbox that’s high off the ground. No fun at all!
Texas – Everything is bigger in the Lone Star State. Try asking for small sizes there. See how fast you get laughed outta town.
Movies – You know what they call a fun sized movie? A TV show. And if you ask me, most TV shows suck. They haven’t made good television since 1959.
Nothing is fun when it is small. Just ask a midget. Midgets are not happy. Their size is not fun. Sure, they’re still people and should be treated as such, but their size is not fun when no matter where they look, they’re staring at a full sized person’s crotch. That’s not fun at all, unless you’re a midget pervert, then I guess, yeah, you’re having a blast. So OK, that’s the only case where being small is fun, i.e. if you are an over-sexed little person.
Any other time, small is not a fun size. So, just buy five full sized candy bars, reward the early bird children who did not rest on their laurels, then tell the other kids to head down to the food stamp line where apparently they will be for the rest of their miserable lives because they can’t get their costumes on time and report for trick or treating at a reasonable time.
Happy Halloween, 3.5 jackasses, though what’s so happy about it I’ll never know.
By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire
Don’t you hate it when you think you’re going to get a big ass candy bar but instead you get a teeny tiny candy bar instead?
“Oh it’s fun sized! This pathetic little candy bar is so much fun!”
Bleh, let me tell you, that is some Don Draper Madison Avenue Mad Men Peggy Olsen bullshit right there. “Fun Size” was invented so that candy companies could sell shit tons of candy during the Halloween season and while I haven’t done the math in my vampiric brain, I’m willing to bet that when you buy one of those bags of fun sized candy bars, they’re selling you less chocolate for more money.
Bleh! I’m so angry I’m bleh-ing all over the place. I’m too lazy to do the math. One of you nerds, go analyze the square footage of the average amount of chocolate in a bag of fun sized candy bars, compare it to an equal amount of regular, non-fun sized candy bar chocolate, then do a price comparison, carry the four, add the denominator, multiply times PI and then tell me if I’m full of vampire shit or if I’m onto something, bleh.
“Oh look at me, I have a regular big sized candy bar and it is so boring I wish I had a tiny candy bar then it would be fun.”
You know what’s worse? One of those assholes who can actually just eat one piece of fun sized candy. Because you know the rest of us whales are inhaling so many pieces of the fun sized candy that we’re probably eating the equivalent of a dozen regular, boring size candy bars.
And that’s how they get you! Because when the candy is small, then you shovel it in your stupid cake hole and then you eat all the candy even though you never would have eaten a dozen regular boring size candy bars in one sitting because if you did then you know you’d have a problem.
So on top of all that, you have to haul your fat chocolate stuffed ass back to the store and buy even more fun size candy because you don’t want to be that one assface in the neighborhood that everyone hates because you don’t have any candy to pass out on Halloween, bleh!
Bleh, just thinking about all this has me feeling defeated. I am a vampire and I have been defeated by candy, bleh.
Sure, your ass will get eighty percent fatter but it’s worth it, 3.5.
Tons of M and Ms merchandise but really the best part is getting yourself of bulk pick your own M and Ms.
Mmm delicious. And if your ass isn’t fat enough, the Hershey store is right next door.
Let me ask you this, 3.5 – plain or peanut?
Hey kids, avoid strangers all year along.
Except on October 31.
Then put on a dumb costume and knock on strangers’ doors and demand free foodstuffs.
Who the hell invented this dumb holiday?
Oh wait. I forgot.
We here at BQB HQ love Halloween.
So without further ado, the Top Ten Halloween Candies
#10 – Candy Corn (Best)
An old staple. Sweet. Delicious.
Do you like the chocolate candy corn? You know the ones where the bottom stripe is chocolate?
Eh, I do like chocolate but I prefer my candy corn to have the white stripes at the bottom.
I don’t know why. I’ve done a lot of thought on this though and that white stripe tastes better than the chocolate strip.
The white strip basically tastes like the candy corn flavor and I can only get that candy corn flavor at Halloween time, whereas I can get chocolate all year long.
#9 – Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups (Best)
So much of my ass fat is compromised of peanut butter cups.
You got chocolate in my peanut butter. No, you got peanut butter in my chocolate!
#8 – Coupons (Worst)
Fast food joints, stores, restaurants – they often sell coupons to pass out as Halloween treats.
Hey, here’s a coupon for a free ice cream cone.
What the eff, lady? Don’t give me an IOU for a treat. I want my snack now.
These go right in the garbage and the corporations make big money essentially selling people nothing.
#7 – Large Candy Bars (Best)
There’s always one fine citizen who will go out and buy a bunch of regular size candy bars to pass out.
That’s right. Screw those “fun size” bars.
What’s fun about tiny candies?
The only thing that happens with a fun size candy bar is you trick your mind into eating twenty of them because they’re so small and that you end up with an ass the size of a barcalounger.
Bless you, citizen who went the extra mile and got big candy bars.
By the way – if a tiny candy bar is fun size, is a big candy bar boring size?
There’s a noodle scratcher.
#6 – Pennies (Worst)
Come on, old people.
I know you’re trying to get rid of your loose change.
I know those pennies are actually worth something.
But pennies aren’t edible. They aren’t delicious. They will not make my ass fatter.
#5 – Unwrapped Baked Goods (Worst)
Well, thanks lady I gotta trash that because for all I know it could have a razor blade or a laxative or poison or something.
#4 – Popcorn Balls (Best or Possibly Worst)
Love ’em, but only if they’re wrapped.
#3 – Gum (Best)
Good for a minute or two, then it just becomes a sticky mess under your chair…sigh…just like my life.
#2 – Smarties (Best)
Mmm. Sugary crack.
You ever try to unwrap them and keep them together in a line without the wrapper?
#1 – Kit Kat
Give me a break, give me a break…aww, you know the rest.
Did I leave your favorite Halloween candy off the list, 3.5 readers?
Discuss in the comments!