Daily Archives: October 29, 2017

BQB’s Classic Movie Reviews – Tremors (1990)

Man-eating, prehistoric snakes!

BQB here with a review of “Tremors.”

You know 3.5 readers, even in the early 1990s, people were complaining that movies stink, lack of originality and so on.  The sequel, reboot phase had yet to begin but as always in the horror genre, it seemed like it had all been done before.

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Then Tremors came along.  First, it was funny because the heroes weren’t experts at all.  They were two broke-ass dummy handymen who just happened to stumble across a situation where killer pre-historic worms of immense size were terrorizing a small, southwestern town.  That’d be Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward.

A little bit of knowledge comes to us from college student Rhonda (Finn Carter), there to study seismic abnormalities.  She has some basic theories about the monsters but the dimwitted townsfolk expert her to know everything and view her smarts as worthless since she can’t fully diagnose what the hell these things are, seeing as how no one has ever seen them before.

Like any good horror movie, there are rules.  Kill the zombies with a blow to the head.  Kill the vampire with a stake to the heart.

Here the rules are simple yet they make the movie.  The worms are underground.  They can sense when someone moves above ground.  If you walk on the bare sand they’ll pop out and eat you.  Ergo, the movie becomes quite clever as Kevin and Fred and Co. figure out new and inventive ways to move around without walking on the ground – i.e. pole vaulting across boulders, hiding out on rooftops, riding bulldozers etc.

Michael Gross and Reba McIntyre round out the film as a couple of crazy doomsday preppers.  They’re made fun of for their survivalist ways until an awesome, somewhat hilarious scene in which one of the snake monsters break into their house and the couple pulls off one gun after another off of their walls (more guns than anyone would normally have) and unloads into the beast until they finally destroy him.  Thus, they become the unlikely heroes of the movie as their prepper ways have finally paid off.

“You broke into the wrong rec room didn’t you ya bastard?!”

Gross really shines because up until this movie, he was best known as the mild-mannered, liberal/former Woodstock flower child turned father Steven Keaton on “Family Ties.”  That Gross was able to go from that laidback role to this one (i.e. gun toting survivalist) proved his acting skills.

Funny, I remember seeing this movie in the theater as a kid and I remember having a good time.  It seemed new and different and you know, I was like 11 at the time so to me it probably was.

They’ve made like 4 or more sequels, though the second one is the only one I’ve bothered to watch and I don’t remember much about it.  The rest I believe went straight to video.

It just goes to show that if you are a writer and you are tired of zombies and vampires, you can create your own monsters, just decide a) how they attack b) how the heroes are boxed in and c) how the heroes can fight back.

Fun fact – the girl who is terrorized by dinos in the original Jurassic Park plays a kid terrorized by giant worms here.  Someone decided this kid was only able to be in roles where she is terrorized by giant monsters.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

 

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BQB’s Classic Movie Reviews – Shaun of the Dead (2004)

Zombies and humor.

BQB here with a review of “Shaun of the Dead.”

It’s ironic that this film is a comedy as it has stood the test of time to become one of the must see flicks of the zompoc genre.  It’s probably lasted as long as it has due to the fact that is pairs great writing with humor and heart and overall, the characters are relatable and you really worry that they might become zombie lunch.

Simon Pegg, in the first role I remember seeing him in, plays Shaun, a 29-year-old loser who wants to turn his life around but can’t figure out how.  He’s stuck in a lousy electronics store job that’s meant for teenagers.  His girlfriend Liz (Kate Ashfield) is tired of being disappointed by Shaun’s loser-ness.  His flat-mate is fed up that Shaun keeps coddling Ed (Nick Frost) his buddy who came over for a party once several years ago and then just stayed without offering to pay any rent or even lifting a finger to help around the house.  His Mom loves him unconditionally but his step-dad thinks he’s an epic loser.

Enter the zombie apocalypse.  England has become overrun with the undead.  Finally, here is Shaun’s big chance to save the day and prove to Liz that he is responsible, to prove to his parents and the world that he is worth something.  He takes charge, leading Liz, Ed and friends to safety, but, you know, because he’s an average guy of average strength and abilities, he screws up often and in hilarious ways.

That’s kind of the whole point of the film.  Throughout the movie, various people in the party shit on Shaun, telling him he’s a loser and his plans stink and he’s so dumb that he’s going to get everyone killed.  The situation is an allegory for life.  Some people at least get up and try and yes, they fail when they try.  People who never even try will happily point out when someone who tried failed.  That’s why it sucks to be Shaun.  He’s trying, really hard, and no one around him will try and yet they never pull a punch when it comes to telling him what a loser he is.

Also, awesome scene when Shaun goes up against zombies with an old Winchester rifle (and when the gang beats a particular tough zombie with pool cues to the tune of an old song.)

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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The Return of Count Krakovich, Incompetent Vampire

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Bleh!  I vant to suck your blood, 3.5 readers…bleh, but I don’t want to do a lot of work so bleh, bleh please just lay your necks down and make some holes in them with your necks so I can just slurp out the blood and then…

Bleh! Where are you going?  It sure is hard being a lazy, incompetent, asshat vampire.  In fact, you might have noticed that this year my name has been changed from Asshat Vampire to Incompetent Vampire.

Anyway 3.5 readers, I do like to check in with you all once a Halloween.  How have you all been?  I hope you have all been murdering many vampires because I hate those guys ever since they kicked me out of the League of Vampires.

I wish I had more to say but I have been a very depressed vampire as of late.  In fact I think I might just quit being a vampire.  Is that even possible?  Someone contact a vampire lawyer and let me know.

That’s it.  I am even incompetent at writing columns.  Happy Halloween 3.5 losers.  Bleh!

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Kickstarter and Patreon

Hey 3.5 readers.  I hate to turn into that guy who begs for money like a common hobo panhandler but I’ve seen others do it successfully and have been wondering if I have been leaving money on the table that could help the Bookshelf Battle Enterprise.

What say you?  Has anyone out there been able to use Kickstarter or Patreon successfully?

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Things That Really Frost My Ass – Fun Sized Candy Bars Are Not Fun at All

By: Uncle Hardass, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Grumpy Old Man Correspondent

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Hello 3.5 degenerate readers.

Your Old Uncle Hardass here.  Still trying to be writers I see.  Oh well, I guess it’s good it’s Halloween then.  Your parents can just gorge on some Halloween candy to distract themselves about how disappointed they are in you.  Can’t say as I blame them.  Get jobs, losers!

Anyway, I suppose I’ll wish you a Happy Halloween though I don’t know why.  All this holiday is, is an excuse for dummies to put on fake costumes so they can pretend to be something they aren’t but wish they were while putting their hand out, demanding I give them free shit. In other words, Halloween is basically what the world will look like everyday if the blasted Democrats take over.  Mark my words.  Seriously people.  Don’t I pay enough taxes?  You all need my candy too?  Shiftless clowns.

I mean, maybe it’s ok for five year olds to participate in this waste of time, although really, by four, I had a job and a mortgage and my first case of the gout but whatever, I guess we just spoil young people until the end of time now.  Whatever.

So I want to talk to you 3.5 turkeys about “fun sized candy bars.”  What a big time hoax this bull shit is.  The candy companies sell these bags of little candy bars, call them fun sized and then they basically have figured out a way to charge you more for less candy.

Honestly.  What do you dum-dums do every year?  You buy one bag but then you worry that your house will be overrun by little turds so you buy five bags.  Then, at best, five kids show up, so you then you just eat the rest of it like the fat fuck you are and then you resolve…never again!  You’ll only buy one bag next year.  Then you’ll do the same thing next year.

Look, just take the same amount of money, buy five regular sized candy bars, the first five kids who got to your door first get the big candy bars and the rest of the little monkeys get Jack Squat.  Teach ’em an important life lesson.  People who get there early get a reward.  People who take their time and fuck around get a big heaping handful of nothing.  Really, you’re not doing them any favors by delaying this important lesson.

Are small candy bars fun?  No.  That’s because nothing in the history of time that is fun has ever been small.  Disagree?  I knew you would, you contentious freak of nature.  Consult my handy list of things that are only fun if they are large:

Titties – Small titties are not fun.  Females with small titties, I’m sorry, but your boyfriend is just lying about liking your tiny knockers and is simply waiting for a broad with jumbo jugs to come along.

Santa Clause – No one wants a small, skinny Santa.  Christmas is only happy if that fat fuck laughs and shakes his belly like a bowlful of jelly.  Fun sized Santa’s belly is flat as a board.  Get Santa off Jenny Craig immediately.

SUVS – I see these tiny bitch SUVS all the time.  You know how that shit got started?  Big men used to buy big trucks.  Then they put covers on the back.  Then they started putting seats in the back.  Then women started driving them and they wanted them smaller and smaller and smaller until you’ve got a little shitbox that’s high off the ground.  No fun at all!

Texas – Everything is bigger in the Lone Star State.  Try asking for small sizes there.  See how fast you get laughed outta town.

Movies – You know what they call a fun sized movie?  A TV show.  And if you ask me, most TV shows suck.  They haven’t made good television since 1959.

CONCLUSIONS:

Nothing is fun when it is small.  Just ask a midget.  Midgets are not happy. Their size is not fun.  Sure, they’re still people and should be treated as such, but their size is not fun when no matter where they look, they’re staring at a full sized person’s crotch.  That’s not fun at all, unless you’re a midget pervert, then I guess, yeah, you’re having a blast.  So OK, that’s the only case where being small is fun, i.e. if you are an over-sexed little person.

Any other time, small is not a fun size.  So, just buy five full sized candy bars, reward the early bird children who did not rest on their laurels, then tell the other kids to head down to the food stamp line where apparently they will be for the rest of their miserable lives because they can’t get their costumes on time and report for trick or treating at a reasonable time.

Happy Halloween, 3.5 jackasses, though what’s so happy about it I’ll never know.

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