Bookshelf Battle

3.5 readers, I’m not sure what I just say.  I’m blown away, elated, astounded and disgusted, so let’s just dive right in.

The Emperor is alive.  He has been all along.  Sorry if that’s a spoiler but it’s not like that hasn’t been promoted in the ads and trailers.  Frankly, this comes out of left field to me and reeks of bad writing.  I mean, the Emperor was not even so much as hinted to in the last two films, so to bring him about in this one?

Yet somehow, it makes sense.  Turns out the Emperor is strong with the Dark Side of the Force, so strong that nothing can contain him, and that the ghosts of Obi Wan and Anakin Skywalker have kept a constant vigil over the old duffer for many years, ensuring he does not return.

Admittedly, the light saber dual between Kylo, ghost Obi Wan and ghost Anakin was cool, though odd.  Seems like it defies all physics.  Ghosts can’t fight, can they?  And would Kylo really be able to defeat them?  Unlikely.  Fun to watch.

Meanwhile, Rey has reunited with Poe, Finn, and Chewbacca on N’rokto.  Rose Tico has received a tip that a local warlord has intercepted a communique between Kylo and the Emperor.  SPOILER ALERT: the warlord is Lando Calrissian and Billy Dee Williams shines in the last cameo from the original trilogy cast.

From there, it’s a race film.  Who can make it to the rejuvenating chambers of Hermera in time?  Will the heroes get there and destroy them so the Emperor remains depleted for all of time or will Kylo and the Emperor arrive first so that the Emperor can get rejuvenated so that he can fuck shit the fuck up all across the galaxy?

Strangely, the movie relies heavily on the ghosts, which is odd because I always thought the ghosts were just an occasional gimmick or writing ploy when one of the characters needs to know what a departed character may have thought.  But the ghosts are heavy in this one and the ghosts of Luke, Han and Leia advise the heroes that the quickest way to the chamber is through the Hermera’s core, which actually serves as a gateway to an alternate reality.

By this point, I admit I was beginning to fade.  The movie is a very long two and a half hours, but it picks up midway with the intense flying stormtrooper scene.  Frankly, most of the film is a mad chase.  Think, It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World with lightsabers.  Or Smokey and the Bandit with lightsabers, if you will.  The heroes and the villains are in a death defying race to see who can get to the rejuvenation chamber first.

Here’s my main complaint.  The entrance to an alternate reality, to me, just seems like a cop out.  C3P0, in a rather tender moment, sacrifices himself to hold the gateway open and it is implied that the alternate reality gateway might just be held open forever…so as you can imagine, this gives way to many fan theories suggesting that the entire series might be rebooted.  Maybe in another alternate reality universe, the events of the films never happened and it will all begin again with new actors.

Disney has been tight lipped about this, but I would assume that Bruce Decker, the young actor who plays what appears to be a youthful Luke for a brief amount as the alternate reality is passed through will no doubt become quite famous soon.  Boy, did he ever land a role of a lifetime.  I really think Disney has to say something about the future of the series at some point, but maybe they are holding off so as to not give any spoilers.

Oh don’t read this review as there are spoilers.  Sorry it took me so long to say that.

There’s a lot of fan service.  Almost too much.  And a lot of questions answered.  Almost too many.  It’s like the execs got together in a room and decided they needed more fan service and more questions answered to make up for all the douchebaggery that was perpetrated in the last two films.

Did I need to know Rey’s parentage?  Sure.  Did I need to know that her parents were Obi Wan and a random barmaid?  Probably not. Lowers my esteem of Obi…or raises it.  He’s only human after all.  And it’s not like he could have taken care of the kid.  He was only alive briefly when he took possession of a human form long enough to bang a barmaid after all.

And did Chewbacca have to be named the Supreme Chancellor of the New Republic?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  I guess it makes sense.  He’s the last of the original characters still alive.  Just, you’d think the furry fuck would put some pants on already.

Finally, let me just say that from the very opening scene in which the Star Wars universe’s very first homosexual kiss was shared, I knew this was a very different movie, brought to you courtesy of a very new generation.  The millennials are uber woke, and they want that wokeness on screen.  I assumed that Rey would end up with Finn…and when Rey looks like she is about to kiss her tour guide, Kez Bongo, I was like wow, the first lesbian kiss in a Star Wars film but nope…turns out the first homosexual kiss went to Poe and Finn, who have been sharing feelings for a long time, ever since they met in the first film.

Touching to be sure, but I don’t think the 25 minute see where these two raw dog each other in the butt was necessary.  I mean, it’s a kid’s film, damn it.

Anyway, just kidding.  My 3.5 readers know I always post a joke Star Wars review.  I’ll post a real one when I see it.  Don’t tell me any spoilers please.