Bookshelf Battle

Holy smokes, 3.5 readers, have I been holding my water on this one a long time.

So much so that I’m ready to pee my pants.

In the wake of the pandemic, when I became addicted to online food delivery because it was verboten to go shopping yourself, I wrote a novel based on some of the wacky hijinx I experienced as a customer. (Order a pastrami sandwich on rye and they deliver you a Velvet Elvis painting? WTF?)

Anyway, last summer, your favorite proprietor of a blog with only 3.5 readers was contacted by a representative of a website with 3.5 bazillion viewers. Perhaps you’ve heard of it. Yes, that’s right. Pornhub. No, just kidding. Netflix.

Initial e-mail exchanges went like this:

NETFLIX GUY: “Hi I work for Netflix. Are you Bookshelf Q. Battler? I know you write under a pen name but I’d like to talk to you about your book, Shop Buddy. I really enjoyed it.”

ME: “Ah, so you’re the one.”

NETFLIX GUY: “Ha ha. I’d like to talk more. Can we speak on the phone?”

ME: “How do I know you’re a real Netflix guy and not some weirdo trying to steal the rights to my book?”

NETFLIX GUY: “How do I know you’re the real Bookshelf Q. Battler and not a chump posing as BQB?”

So after a long round of emails and phone calls where we sufficiently verified each other’s credentials, we were off to the races, and as scary as it was, I, as in the “man behind the curtain” of BQB very nervously identified my true self to people who gained my trust that they wouldn’t reveal my identity and discussions began.

Initial negotiations were over video conference calls and that was surreal. They were nice enough to understand I was a true novice to the industry and suggested I get an agent before things continue. That did slow things down as I had to seek out an agent and I got turned down a lot until I was savvy enough to start mentioning I have a potential Netflix deal.

Frankly I was little skeeved by the whole agent hiring process. It felt like I’d already done the work of landing the tuna in my boat but after several interviews with different potential agents, I found one I liked and as she explained (I used the tuna in the boat analogy with all of them), she was wise enough to point out that that yes, I’d landed the tuna but she would be the one to knock it out, skin it, and fry it up with lemon pepper and basil.

Mmm. Lemon pepper fish. Rich in omega 3s.

Anyway that slowed things down till January, but then the really nitty gritty stuff began. Hooray for Hollywood! Yours truly actually got on a plane and flew out to Tinsel Town. I met my agent. I met with Netflix people. I met crackheads on Hollywood Boulevard but that’s irrelevant.

To my great surprise, I did things that only a person with balls would do, so apparently I am a baller now. I said to my agent. “Should we shop around? Should we see if Hulu wants to be in the Shop Buddy bidness? What about the fine people over at HBO Max? Can I get a meeting with the good people at Amazon Prime and rub Jeff Bezos’ bald head for good luck?”

Agent agreed. We shopped. No interest from Hulu or HBO. Amazon had enough interest for a meeting but not enough to invite Jeff so I would not get to rub Jeff’s head which is a shame. I deserve to as my books have made him upwards of 17 entire cents. I made the point in the meeting that, you know, my book is hot right now because I self-published it on Amazon so if you guys let someone else snap it up, they’ll be significant egg on your faces. I worded it nicer than that but you get the drift. Frankly, I couldn’t believe I was able to say such things to such important people. They nodded graciously and saw the point but thought the whole thing was too weird. A book written by a guy with a weird pen name? Too weird.

So ultimately, that’s why I went with the Flix to the Net. They really understood my vision and the cool thing is they agreed to go along with the whole Bookshelf Q. Battler mystique. In fact, we’re in development in on a BQB’s Twisted Shorts series and we’re all in agreement that there’s more free publicity, fanfare and, well yes, cold hard cash-o-la to be made if the man behind the curtain remains a mystery for now and people are left wondering who the heck wrote all this schlock? Who is he? What’s his deal? Why so mysterious?

How would a BQB series work? We’re a little vague on that but basically someone would play me and introduce each story in the anthology with some quips and one liners. We all agreed I’m too gross and disgusting to play myself. I agreed. They were nicer about it. Various euphemisms were employed to avoid telling me I’m too gross and disgusting to do the job myself and that a handsome person must be hired to play me so I appreciate that. BTW this is all theoretical at this point so I should mention no deal on BQB’s Twisted Shorts has been made at this time though it is in the works. They liked my short stories and think they could sell with the tag line “Black Mirror meets Monty Python.” Sounds about right.

But I digress. The point is Netflix will a) give me money and b) keep my ID a secret. Personally, I’m fine with that because you know, this could all be a flash in the pan and if so, I’d just rather keep my little old life as is. What Netflix offered for the movie deal was generous, but not life changing. Perhaps in time we’ll get there but all good things come to wait.

Look at me rambling. So, back to the main point. The movie! Finn Wolfhard! Yes, Finn Wolfhard of Stranger Things fame has signed on to play Steve Anderson, the titular Shop Buddy, who, post-college, can’t find a job to save his life so has to go through the indignity of slinging grocery bags for an online shopping service. In doing so, he has to deliver a lot of strange, questionable items to a disturbing old man, all while a series of high-profile kidnappings is putting his town in the news.

I gotta tell you, the funny thing about life is, it’s weird how you think a thing will impress people and it doesn’t, but then something else will. I have only shared this info about a potential Netflix deal with a very small handful of close friends and family the past year. Having kept this info close to the vest, I assumed not too many people knew but holy crap, once it got out that the Finnster was involved, it came to my attention that the BQB friends and fam network has more leaky holes than a siv, because I am, quite literally, no word of a lie, getting damn calls like the one below every day. No one in my small social circle was impressed I had a movie deal under way, but once it came out that this famous ferret faced kid was involved, it was like I became the second coming. (It’s ok, I got permission to call him a ferret face. “We like the cut of your jib, BQB,” they said. “Do your thing,” they said. We’ll see how long that lasts.)

SIDENOTE: OK I’m sorry I called you a ferret face, Finn, but it’s this blog, so everyone gets made fun of here with me being the biggest butt of all the jokes, pun intended.

RANDOM DUDE: “BQB! Hi! This is So and So. Remember me?”

ME: Who?

Dude: So and so! You know! I sat behind you in third grade. I ate all my boogers and stole your lunch money. We were thick as thieves!

Me: WTF?

Dude: Ah, BQB you old kidder. Anyhoo, I made the mistake of mentioning I was in third grade with a guy that knows Finn Wolfhard.

ME: I don’t know him. Never met him.

Dude: Even so, my daughters wont shut up about it. Any chance you could get them a meeting? Maybe he could pose for some selfies and sign some autographs?

ME: Dude, sign my ass. :Click:

OK, I never was that rude. I let everyone down gently by reminding them, hello, I have never met this freaking kid. Yes, I’m even nice to the bullies who used to throw spitballs at the back of my head in school and now pretend like that never happened and that we were best of friends because they want me to intro their kids to Finn F’N Wolfhard.

And yes, God help me, ex-girlfriends including the literal one I thought I would marry only for her to tell me to drop dead and never contact me again, they tracked me down, found my number, call me up to ask if I can arrange a meeting between their kids and Finn.

Actually, they start high. Can I arrange a meeting between their kids, Finn and all of the freaking Stranger Things kids plus Winona Ryder and David Harbour but if that’s not possible then just Finn is ok. Oh, really? Just Finn is OK? Thanks Ex-Girlfriend Who Dumped Me Over Nonsense 20 years ago and left my life a shambles. That’s really nice of you to say that Just Finn would be ok to meet your ugly mutant offspring.

Sigh. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called her kids mutants. They’re blameless in all this. Ugly? Well, facts are facts. Oh, alright. Fine. They’re not ugly…that I know of. They could be. I mean, they share genetic material with their mother so there’s a statistical probability that…you know what? I’ll shut up.

“BQB write one of your patented, non-sensical, rambling blog posts to tell everyone about the movie,” the Netflix suits said.

Mission accomplished.

Anyway, without further ado, see below for what you’re all waiting for. Finn’s early test screenings where he reads his lines which, well, they’re my lines! I wrote them and it’s pretty cool. My agent tells me that Finn’s agent tells her that this has the potential to be a good project for Finn, that though he’s already super famous between Stranger Things and Ghostbusters, this will give him a starring vehicle where he gets a lot of screen time to be himself outside of a science-fiction role, so whodathunk a schmuck like me could make that happen?

Anyway, I have so many people to thank but the biggest thank you is owed to my 3.5 readers, you, the readers who made this happen. Thanks readers, now watch this video for a first glimpse of the film in pre-production.