Bookshelf Battle

August 2, 1876

A covered wagon rambled through the countryside. Painted across the canvas in black lettering were two words, “Utter Freight.”

Charlie Utter sniffed in the morning air and felt mighty proud of himself. He was a meticulous man, a true believer in the old adage ‘a place for everything and everything in its place.’

The inside of his wagon was immaculate. Boxes, crates, parcels, letters, tools, goods, equipment and supplies all stacked in an orderly manner. The only thing that looked out of place was the woman sleeping on the floor in the middle of all of it.

Martha “Calamity Jane” Cannary was a beautiful mess. As she slept, she snored loudly and her mouth was open wide enough for flies to not only buzz into but stay awhile. Her long black hair was a tangled shambles and a strand of it blew up with every exhale and fell down with every inhale.

Her hat had fallen underneath the back of her head and was getting crushed. A cord fastened to it dangled around her neck, keeping it from getting lost.

She wore a white shirt, black vest, trousers, leather riding chaps with fringe on the sides and boots with spurs. Two six-shooters were holstered on either side of her belt. A rifle wasn’t far out of her reach.

And much to Charlie’s dismay, she clutched a nearly empty whiskey bottle under her arm as if it were a teddy bear.

Charlie, in contrast, was a teetotaler. He never drank anything stronger than coffee and wore a very clean outfit. His coat and pants were both made out of buckskin, which he washed regularly, whether it stank or not, a practice that was simply unheard of at the time.

He kept his blonde hair slicked back with pomade and shaved daily, again, another rarity in those days.

Charlie’s black haired brother, Stephen, was wide-awake and sat up front to keep him company.

“I have to say it, Charlie,” Stephen said. “I thought you were exaggerating in your letter, but you have truly made something of yourself out here.”

“I told you I wasn’t just whistling Dixie,” Charlie replied. “Fully established delivery route between Deadwood and Cheyenne. I can’t keep up with the demand. I need to start running a second wagon and I’d rather keep the business in the family. You say the word and that wagon is yours.”

Stephen took a swig of water out of a canteen. “I might just take you up on that.”

The sun rose higher in the sky as Charlie’s horses trotted onward.

“Charlie,” Stephen said. “This probably isn’t any of my business…”

“Let me stop you right there,” Charlie said. “If you have to say it probably isn’t any of your business then it definitely isn’t your business.”

“Even so,” Stephen said. “This arrangement you have with your partners…”

“What about it?” Charlie asked.

“You’re the only one doing any work,” Stephen said. “Seems to me like you’re being horn swaggled.”

“Oh,” Charlie said. “Don’t concern yourself. I haven’t made a bad deal yet.”

Stephen peaked into the back of the wagon. Jane was busily scratching herself in inappropriate places.

“She looks like a bad deal to me,” Stephen said.

“Who?” Charlie asked. “Jane? She’s my muscle.”

Stephen laughed and laughed hard. “Oh. Oh that was funny. Come on. What’s she really do?”

“I told you,” Charlie said.

“Are you two some kind of item or something?” Stephen asked.

“No,” Charlie said.

“I won’t tell Louise,” Stephen said.

“Tell her whatever you want,” Charlie said. “There’s nothing like that going on.”

“Then what is she here for?” Stephen asked.

“Sometimes on the trail you run across people who need to be shot,” Charlie explained. “Jane shoots them for me. She’s my bodyguard. Simple as that.”

“Fine,” Stephen said. “Keep pulling my leg all day then. But what about Hickok?”

“What about him?” Charlie asked.

“He’s not even here,” Stephen said. “How does he earn his keep?”

“That’s a longer story,” Charlie said. “You see…”

Charlie held that thought as he spotted half a dozen riders lined up on a hilltop off in the distance. One of them peered right at Charlie’s wagon through a spy glass for a moment, then collapsed it. As soon as he did, all six riders made their way down the hill.

“Tarnation,” Charlie said.

“What?” Stephen asked.

“It’s not good,” Charlie answered. “Jane!”

Charlie snapped the reigns. His horses picked up speed. The riders fanned out and flanked the wagon. Two on the left. Two on the right. Two at the back.

“Jane!” Charlie shouted even louder this time.

The bodyguard was lost in a deep sleep.

The riders opened fire. Bullets tore through the canvas.

Charlie drew his pistol but the trigger, the hammer, all the different parts…it was too confusing for him. He only really carried it to complete his frontiersman look. He passed it off to his brother.

“Here. Shoot someone will you? Jane!”

Stephen took aim at one of the riders and fired a shot but missed.

“Jane!” Charlie shouted. “There’s bandits trying to kill us! I need you to look alive!”

Inside the wagon, a bullet tore through a barrel of beer, causing a steady stream to trickle out onto Jane’s head. She sat right up and poked her head out through the front of the wagon.

“Hey you horse’s ass!” Jane shouted. “There’s bandits trying to kill us! You think you might have told me!”

Based on many, many past experiences with Jane, Charlie knew better than to argue.

“My mistake,” Charlie said as he ducked his head down and snapped the reigns again. “Think you can do something about it?”

Back in the wagon, Jane gulped the last bit of whiskey, then picked up her rifle. “For fuck’s sake, I have to do everything around here.”

Jane took a position at the back of the wagon and picked off one bandit, landing a bullet in his head that knocked him off his horse. She pulled the lever on her rifle to load up another bullet and was about to take another shot when…

Snap!

The second bandit riding behind the wagon cracked a whip that curled around Jane’s legs.

“Oh don’t you fucking dare,” Jane shouted.

The bandit, a particularly grizzly looking fiend with a scarred up face, smiled then pulled back on the whip and yanked Jane clear out of the back of the wagon.

As Jane’s arms flailed about wildly, she dropped her rifle. She soared through the air until she hit the ground hard only to find herself being dragged across the rocky ground at a rapid speed by a gruesome fellow who wasn’t too concerned about her well-being.

Stephen took a few more shots at the bandits on the right side of the wagon, then looked back.

“Charlie! You just lost your bodyguard!”

Bullock had found himself in the unenviable predicament of being swarmed by Deadwood’s most revered dignitaries.

First came a man in top hat and tails, though the lime green stripes didn’t say much about his sense of fashion. (Much of anything positive, anyway.)

Nervously, he read some prepared notes from a piece of paper in his trembling hand.

“Delighted to make your acquaintance, Mr. Bullock. Mayor E.B. Farnum…”

The mayor looked up from his paper and stretched out his hand. “That’s me.”

Bullock shook his hand. “Hello.”

“…at your service and…”

The mayor squinted at the paper. “…if there is anything I can do to make your stay in our humble town more pleasant, please don’t hesitate to let me know.”

“Thank you,” Bullock said.

The mayor scratched a rash on his neck, then folded up the paper and returned it to his pocket. “Honestly, I’ll level with you and tell you that was just some standard bullshit I say to all new people.”

“I figured,” Bullock said.

“At least new people who are worth a shit or two,” the Mayor said. “And further, I suppose if you think of something I could do to make your time here more pleasant, you’re welcome to tell me, though in truth, there won’t be much I will be able to do about it, so tell me or keep it to yourself. Your call.”

“OK then,” Bullock said.

“Achoo!” The Mayor sneezed then wiped his snotty nose across the sleeve of his spiffy outfit. “Pardon me. Allergies.”

Next up was a bespectacled man wearing a green eye shade. “A.W. Merrick, Mr. Bullock. Publisher, Editor, and Lead Journalist of the Deadwood Dispatch.”

“Mr. Merrick,” Bullock said.

Merrick held up a copy of his paper. It featured a photo Bullock had taken of himself long ago when he ran for Sheriff in Helena. Next to it was the headline, “Hero Sheriff Holds Back Angry Mob, Finishes Hanging.”
The newsman shook Bullock’s hand. “Mr. Bullock, you have no idea how pleased I am to meet you in person. When I heard the details of your heroics, I was so intrigued that I paid the Helena Clarion a pretty penny for the rights to reprint their story.”

“Just doing my job,” Bullock said.

“Oh no sir,” Merrick said. “Do not sell yourself short! There isn’t another lawman I can think of so dedicated to his duty that he would carry out justice at great risk to his personal safety. Sir, let me tell you, that’s just the kind of commitment to decency and moral fortitude that we need around here!”

Farnum threw up his hand in a “stop” motion. “OK, don’t hog the man all day, Merrick. Mr. Bullock, the Reverend tells us you two have already met.”

“We have,” the Reverend said. He walked up to Bullock, wrapped him up in an embrace, and ran his hand up and down Bullock’s back.

“Oh shit,” Bullock said. “He’s a hugger.”

“I am,” the Reverend replied as he pulled away. “It’s good to see you again, friend. I didn’t know of your excellent moral character until Mr. Merrick filled in all the details for me. I am so humbled to be in the presence of one of God’s finest Christian soldiers.”

The last man in the group had remained quiet the entire time. He was tall, but had a slight frame. His hairline was receding.

As for his facial hair, it was a remarkable work of art that he must have spent at least an hour a day working on. His mustache was long and protruded outward to form points at both ends. The beard itself extended all the way down past his collarbone and it too came to a point.

He wore a plain black suit and a bow tie.

“Mr. Bullock,” the Mayor said. “Allow me to present renowned combat surgeon, Doctor Valentine McGillicuddy.”

“Quite a moniker,” Bullock said as he put out his hand.

The doctor stared it for a moment and then begrudgingly shook it. “Yes.”

“Combat surgeon?” Bullock asked.

“Indeed,” Doctor McGillicuddy replied.

“Probably got a lot of stories,” Bullock said.

“Several, yes,” the doctor said.

“He’s a man of few words,” the mayor said. “Anyway, welcome to town, try not to get yourself killed and check your whores for rashes.”

The mayor scratched the red spots on his neck again. “I’ve heard it’s a good idea. I wouldn’t know. I don’t patronize houses of ill-repute, being the mayor and all.”

“I should hope not,” Bullock said.

The mayor opened the door. “See you around, Bullock.”

Merrick shut the door. “Not so fast.”

“Oh horse shit, Merrick,” the Mayor said. “Don’t even…”

Before the illustrious mayor could finish his words, Merrick had his arm around Bullock’s shoulder. “Mr. Bullock, are you aware that our dear town sheriff, Mr. Angus McKenna, passed away recently of natural causes?”

“I hadn’t heard,” Bullock replied.

“Stop wasting the man’s time,” the Mayor barked.

Merrick ignored him. “Mr. Bullock, I’ll have you know that the Reverend, the good doctor and I form the town council and we’ve been mulling over what a blessed twist of fate it is that a remarkable law man with such grit and courage as yourself happens to have made his way to us at the precise time we are in desperate need of law and order.”

“You’re the only one who has been mulling that over, Merrick,” the doctor said.

“The man just got into town,” the Mayor said. “He’s tired. Come on, let’s get out of his hair.”

“Gentlemen,” Merrick said. “Let’s put it to a vote.”

“That’s out of order,” the Mayor said as he scratched his neck. “You can only call something to a vote when there’s an official town council meeting in session.”

“The bylaws state that a town council meeting can be called to order whenever there’s a sufficient quorum present and I see all three members in the room.”

“I’m leaving,” Doctor McGillicuddy said.

“Doesn’t matter,” Merrick replied. “Two out of three and I now make a motion to call this meeting of the Deadwood town council to order. Can I get a second?”

“Damn it,” the doctor said.

Merrick nudged the Reverend. “Ahem. Reverend.”

“Hmm?” the Reverend replied.

“Do you second my motion to call this meeting to order?” Merrick asked.

“Oh yes,” the Reverend said. “This is all very exciting, isn’t it friends? Seconded.”

“Merrick,” the Mayor said. “Mr. Starr and Mr. Bullock are reputable businessmen. You can’t just fuck around…excuse me…mess around in their place of business all day long. Let’s go.”

Sol sat back and observed the entire show as if it were a twisted play unfolding before his very eyes. Bullock wasn’t sure what to make of the spectacle himself.

“Honorable members of the Deadwood town council,” Merrick said. “I move that we offer the position of town sheriff to our new resident, Mr. Seth Bullock. Do I have a second?”

Silence.

“You’re embarrassing yourself, newsman,” the Mayor said.

Merrick tapped the Reverend on the shoulder. “Seconded!” the Reverend said.

Doctor McGillicuddy slapped his forehead.

“And now for the official vote,” Merrick said. “All those in favor?”

Merrick shouted “aye,” then nudged the Reverend until he shouted “aye.”

“Dr. McGilliguddy,” Merrick said. “What say you?”

The doctor gave Bullock the stink eye and looked him over until he found a tiny bit of lint on Bullock’s shoulder and pulled it off.

“Nay,” the doctor said as he held up the lint. “This man clearly does take pride in his appearance, as evidenced by this abnormality, and if his attention to personal details is anything like his dedication to the law, then I should say we will all be doomed under his watch.”

Merrick was displeased. “Come now, Doctor…”

“Nay, I say!” the doctor said.

Doctor McGillicuddy distinctly winked his right eye at Bullock, then said. “And this man will not accept the position…if he knows what’s good for him.”

“Two out of three,” Merrick said. “The motion carries. Mr. Bullock, on behalf of the town council, I hereby offer you an appointment to the position of town sheriff. Specifically, if you accept, you will finish out the last remaining year of Sheriff McKenna’s term for a wage of fifty dollars a month.”

That statement was the first thing that piqued Bullock’s interest in the entire conversation.

“Fifty bucks?”

“A month,” Merrick repeated. “And of course, if you wish to continue after the year ends, you will have to run for a four year term and curry a majority of town wide votes.”

Bullock wasn’t expecting any of this. “Can I think on it?”

“Of course, Mr. Bullock,” Merrick said. “Think away. I realize this is a big undertaking but we would be so lucky to have you.”

“That’s just great,” the mayor said as he marched out of the store and slammed the door behind him.

Merrick left his parting words. “I hope you’ll take it.”

As for the Reverend, “May God rain his blessings upon you, friend.”

Doctor McGillicuddy said nothing. He joined his fellow dignitaries outside.

Once they were alone, Bullock consulted his friend.

“What in the hell was that collection of assholes?” Bullock asked.

“Those men, I’m sorry to say, are our benevolent town fathers,” Sol explained.

“Holy shit,” Bullock said.

“A fair assessment,” Sol said.

“Should I take the job?” Bullock asked.

“Oh no,” Sol said as he threw his hands up in the air.

“What?” Bullock asked.

“I’m not saying anything,” Sol said. “Seth, I’ve known you long enough to know that the quickest way to get you to do something is to tell you not to do it.”

It was a dilapidated shack. Thin, rickety boards slapped together through shoddy workmanship. The torn apart carcass of a raccoon lied prostrate on the front steps, having become a breeding ground for maggots.

Bullock pressed the toe of his boot up against the varmint’s hide and kicked it into the weeds, which were plentiful.

The inside was worse. It contained one single grimy bed. There was barely any room to move or do much of anything.

Martha, holding Maggie by the hand, gasped as she pointed to the wall. It was covered with faded blood stains.

“Disagreement amongst the prior tenants I suppose,” Bullock said.

“Stop making light of everything, Seth,” Martha said. “We’re in hell.”

“We are,” Bullock said as he rested his hands on his belt buckle. “Sol said in his letter that this place is a bit of a fixer upper but he did not elaborate.”

“There’s nothing better?” Martha asked.

Bullock walked outside and took a look around Finnegan’s Row. All of the houses were either in as bad condition or worse.

The tenant of the house directly to the right of the Bullock abode was an old timer with a face full of white whiskers. In a pair of tobacco stained long johns, he stepped out his front door long enough to puke his guts out all over his patch of weeds.

But at least he was polite about it. When he was done, he belched, wiped his chin, then threw out a cordial, “howdy neighbor” at Bullock before he went back inside.

Bullock grimaced but he didn’t want to be rude. “Howdy.”

He rejoined his wife to answer her question. “It would appear not.”

Maggie’s face filled with joy as she pointed and shouted, “Kitty!”

Martha was overcome by nausea when she spotted it – a fat rat scurrying its way around the corner.

Bullock made use of his boot again, prodding the tiny beastie towards the door.

“No Daddy!” Maggie protested. “I want to pet the kitty!”

“No darling,” Bullock said as he booted the obese rodent out the front door. “He’s a bad kitty.”
Martha sat on the edge of the bed and held her head in her hands.

Bullock took a seat next to her. He attempted to put his arm around her, but it was pushed away.

“I swear to you this will all get better,” Bullock said.

“That preacher was right,” Martha said. “This whole town should be burned to the ground.”

Bullock stood up. “Come on. Let’s go see Saul. He’ll show us the store. It will help you keep the faith.”

“I’m not going back out there,” Martha said. “And Maggie’s definitely not setting foot out there ever again.”

Bullock steeped outside again to survey the surroundings once more. While his neighbors were far from high society types, none of them looked conspicuously dangerous. The old man with the rotten gut was likely fast asleep. Across the way, an old gal rocked on her porch and knitted a sweater. A few houses down, a woman was hanging clothes on a line.

“I’ll just head over and see him then,” Bullock said from the front steps.

“You’re just going to leave us here?” Martha asked from inside.

“Martha,” Bullock said. “Will you buck up? We’re in the swankiest part of town!”

Martha expelled an exasperated sigh.

Bullock walked to the wagon, retrieved his shotgun and loaded it up with two shells. He walked back inside and placed it into his wife’s hands.

“Keep it pointed at the door. Shoot anyone that isn’t me or Maggie. Got it?”

Martha breathed deeply then exhaled. “Got it.”