Bookshelf Battle

Thump…thump…thump…thump…

As Bohai came to, the sound of a steady drumbeat filled his ears. His arms and legs were bound to a long tree branch that the zombified warriors used to carry the young man as though he were a bundle.

Lickspittle led the procession into the clearing, where zombified warriors danced and growled like wildebeests, bathing in blood and guts that they tossed at one another, feasting on the limbs and organs of the fallen members of the mystifying monkey slap clan.

“Ooof!” Bohai found himself face first in the dirt when the warriors dropped him. Next came Lickspittle’s voice.

“I hope this offering pleases you master,” the lackey said.

“It better,” Dragonhand replied.

“This human was feisty and fought like a lion,” Lickspittle said. “Hot, delicious blood courses through his veins, oh mighty Dragonhand.”

“Dragonhand.” Bohai’s spine tingled upon hearing the name.

The zombified warriors cut Bohai free then wrenched him to his feet and held him before their master.

“Hmm,” Dragonhand said as he looked over the specimen. “Strong…sturdy…and what’s this?”

The fiend tapped on Bohai’s shoulder, where the claw of an actual tiger had been emblazoned on his robe.

“It appears we have a disciple of the Infallible Master,” Dragonhand said as he backhanded Lickspittle. “You fool! Was he followed?”

Lickspittle cowered and hid his face behind his forearms. “No, master! He was all alone! Surely no one would dare attack a camp held by the glorious Dragonhand!”

“Dragonhand.” That name again. Bohai’s mind raced.

The fiend grabbed his prey by the face, forcing Bohai to look upon his captor’s blank eyes.

“You’re a long way from home.”

Silence.

“What have you got to say for yourself?” Dragonhand asked.

More silence.

“What’s your name?” Dragonhand asked.

Bohai refused to speak. Lickspittle struck the captive but was instantly pushed aside by Dragonhand.

“Do not come between me and a brain, insolent wretch!”

“A thousand apologies, master,” Lickspittle said.

Dragonhand leaned in and sniffed Bohai’s hair, a move that the young man was not expecting at all.

“Umm,” Bohai muttered.

“Shh,” Dragonhand said as he pressed a gray finger against Bohai’s lips. Dragonhand opened his mouth, produced his slimy tongue and licked the captive’s head.

“Sir?” Bohai said. “I do believe there’s been a mistake…”

Dragonhand ran his tongue up and down Bohai’s cranium, coating every single strand of the fighter’s hair with sticky spit.

“…it’s just that I fancy females is all and so I am not well-suited for…whatever this is…”

“Your brain speaks to me,” Dragonhand said as he stepped back. “I can smell it. Taste it. Your skull attempts to hide it from me but I know the thoughts on your mind at present.”

Bohai laughed.

“Your name is Bohai,” Dragonhand said.

Bohai stopped laughing.

“You were one of the Infallible Master’s top four students,” Dragonhand said. “Yesterday, there was a competition over the Staff of Ages. You bested a female student and thus, you believe you are, by right, the Twentieth Master of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw.”

Bohai scoffed. “That uh…you could have heard that from anyone. People talk.”

“Your fellow disciple, a young man by the name of Junjie, was awarded the staff,” Dragonhand said. “During the battle, you told him that you would gladly kill him and the remaining members of the tiger claw clan and step over their graves in order to rule.”

“Well,” Bohai said. “When you put it that way…”

“You regret saying that,” Dragonhand said. “But you should not.”

“I shouldn’t?” Bohai asked.

“No,” Dragonhand replied. “The Infallible Master was a bumbling old fool when I studied under him years ago and I am certain he remains a bumbling old fool today.”

“I…I don’t know if he’s that bad,” Bohai said.

“He is,” Dragonhand said. “You think it. You’ve said it to him. You’ve said it to your fellow students. You are reluctant to say it to me as a slight trace of loyalty towards the Infallible Master remains in you and you know I am the Infallible Master’s enemy.”

“Do I?” Bohai said. “I…I don’t know you.”

Dragonhand grinned. “Do not lie. The master has long warned you that if you do not mend your so-called evil ways, that you will end up like me. You thought I was a fairy tale.”

“I might have said something like that,” Bohai said.

The fiend nodded to his subordinates. They released the captive but within seconds, Dragonhand was lifting Bohai up into the air by his throat.

“Do I look like a fairy tale to you?” Dragon asked.

“Ack,” Bohai said as he pawed at his throat. His eyes bulged. His face turned purple.

Wham! Dragonhand threw his new plaything to the ground. Bohai gasped and wheezed. “I never knew it was possible to learn so much about a person by licking their head!”

“Oh,” Dragonhand said with a chuckle. “That’s a skill that is only learned through years of being a connoisseur of head meat. Stand up. You look pathetic just lying there.”

Bohai stood up.

“You remind me of my younger self,” Dragonhand said. “Do you know why?”

Without skipping a beat, Bohai gave his answer. “You used to look this good as well?”

“Ha,” Dragonhand said. “Indeed I did, but that’s not why. Like you, the Infallible Master held me back. He knew I was the best student of my generation but he kept me from pursuing the power I deserved, so I left the tiger claw clan, raised my own group of warriors and look at me now.”

“What are you?” Bohai asked.

Dragonhand glared at Bohai. “The next Emperor. Serve me, and you will be the Twentieth Infallible Master of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw.”

Bohai gulped. “And if I refuse?”

“Then I’ll enjoy your screams as I feast on your flesh,” Dragonhand said. “But I know you won’t refuse.”

“You do?” Bohai asked.

“Yes,” Dragonhand answered. “Because your brain tells me that you wish to be the tiger claw clan’s next master more than anything in the world.”

Bohai shrugged his shoulders. “I do but…I’m not without honor. I suppose a part of me still cares for those morons.”

Dragonhand snapped his fingers. Lickspittle hurried over and handed his boss a bag, the bottom of which was dripping with blood. The fiend reached inside and pulled out a disgusting brain.

“Is that what I think it is?” Bohai asked.

“Yes,” Dragonhand said as he held the brain out towards his captive. “It belonged to Changpu, the trusted right hand of the Vengeful Master.”

“This is meant to frighten me?” Bohai asked.

“No,” Dragonhand said. “This is meant to nourish you.”

“I’m good, thanks,” Bohai said. “I had a big bowl of brains just before I got here and I’m feeling a little bloated.”

Dragonhand pushed the brain closer until it was less than an inch from Bohai’s face.

“Knowledge is power,” Dragonhand said. “Taste this brain and you will never again be held back by cowards who are too afraid to allow you to realize your full potential.”

Bohai turned away and shut his eyes, refusing to even look at the gruesome meal. “You’ll just have to kill me.”

Dragonhand nodded to his henchmen. They grabbed the captive by the arms and held them. Bohai struggled wildly, but it was no use.

The fiend yanked Bohai’s jaw downward, gripped the young fighter’s tongue and rubbed the brain against it.

Bohai stopped fighting. He felt a spike of adrenaline, a rush that made him feel like an unstoppable juggernaut. He held the palms of his hands out flat in front of him.

“The mystifying monkey slap!” Bohai said.

“The same,” Dragonhand replied. “Devour this brain and you will be unstoppable.”

Bohai snarled like a wild dog and ripped the brain out of Dragonhand’s grip. He dove to the ground and buried his teeth into it, tearing and ripping and chewing away.

Dragonhand laughed at the sight of his new disciple.

“Young one,” Dragonhand said. “Your new master has a favor to ask of you.”

Bohai looked up from his feast. His lips were soaked in blood. His eyes were blank. Only the whites remained.

“Anything master.”

Far outside the sanctuary’s walls, Junjie stood near a cliff and practiced his anti-stress moves. The Soaring Eagle. The Perplexed Dove. The Wounded Butterfly. They were more or less the same as they all required him to close his eyes and slowly wave his arms up and down while maintaining his balance on a short, stubby tree stump.

The trick was that he had to stand one one foot the entire time.  Thus, the handsome hero was given quite a start when the master’s voice came out of nowhere.

“Junjie.”

“Whoa, whoa…whoa!” Junjie cried as he tumbled backward and fell into the grass. He looked up to find a transparent apparition that sure looked a lot like…

“Infallible Master!” Junjie shouted as he stood up.

“Yes?” the apparition replied.

Timidly, Junjie pressed his hand through the apparition’s form and marveled as it passed right through.

Junjie’s lips quivered. His hand shook. “Oh master! You’re dead!”

“What?” the master asked. “No. I’m just practicing the art of astral projection.”

“Astral…what-jection?” Junjie asked.

“Astral projection,” the master repeated. “The ability to separate body from spirit so that both may exist on the same plane.”

“Is that even possible?” Junjie asked.

“Obviously,” the master said. “Though it is a feat that has taken me a thousand years to achieve. It is the most complex skill that a kung fu master can acquire.  I only figured it out recently.”

“So, if your spirit is here, where is your body now?” Junjie asked.

“Back meditating in my room,” the master replied. “Though it has been known to get up and do things without me. It could be making breakfast for all I know.  One time I caught it dancing.”

The master looked down at his student’s hand. It was still lodged in the stomach area of the master’s spirit.

“My son,” the master said. “If you intend to keep your hand there much longer you will have to make me dinner.”

“Oh,” Junjie said as he pulled his hand back. “I’m sorry.”

The master stepped towards the cliff. “Beautiful day.”

“Yes,” Junjie replied. “I practice here most mornings. Here, I can enjoy the peace, the quiet, the cool air…”

“…the interesting scenery,” the master said as he pointed his translucent finger toward Mei-Ling, who was practicing her moves by the banks of the river below, unaware that she was being watched.

“What?” Junjie asked. “Who? Her? I didn’t even notice she was there.”

“Come now, my son,” the master said. “As Guowei, the Seventh Infallible Master used to say, ‘He who spreads bullshit to a shitter of bulls is bound to get shit on his face.’”

“How can one be a shitter of bulls?” Junjie asked.

“I have no idea,” the master said. “The Seventh Infallible Master was a big fan of the opium so I doubt he knew either, but the point is, stop lying. There is no need to and it does not befit you.”

Junjie sighed. “I love her so, master.”

“Hmm,” the master grunted. “And does she feel the same way about you?”

“I hope so,” Junjie said. “Though I don’t know, really. We’ve had some talks. Well, I talked. She listened and made various faces of an inconclusive nature.”

“Ah,” the master said. “Women were a puzzlement a thousand years ago and little has changed since. There can be no doubt that they will always be a mystery.”

“A beautiful mystery,” Junjie said.

“And unfortunately, if you are to be the Twentieth Master, Mei-Ling shall have to remain a mystery that you will never solve.”

Junjie looked sullen. “I figured as much.”

“My son,” the master said. “I would never stand in the way of the happiness of my students. If she loves you, and you her, and if a life together is what you both desire, then I bid you both to go into the world and start a family of your very own.”

“That is a nice thought,” Junjie said.

“But whether you are a master or a disciple, the path of kung fu is a lonely one,” the master said. “It requires your complete and undivided attention. Love your fellow students. Love your family. But romantic love has no place within our sanctuary’s walls.  It is a dangerous distraction that could get you or another disciple killed.”

“I know,” Junjie said. “And I have no idea what to do.”

“Extending your life indefinitely while serving as the Twentieth Master of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw is a rare opportunity,” the master said.

“It is,” Junjie replied.

“But,” the master said. “Loving someone who loves you back is just as rare. She may even bring you more happiness than the Staff of Ages could. I would not know. It has been over a thousand and seventy years since I’ve known the love of a woman.”

Junjie choked back a cough. “A thousand and…”

“Yeah,” the master said. “You won’t be getting boom boom anytime soon if you become the next master so keep that in mind. No one told me that before I signed up for the job, let me tell you.”

“But master,” Junjie said. “The Staff chose me.”

“It did,” the master said. “But you must also choose it.”

“What happens if someone rejects the staff’s power?” Junjie asked.

“Honestly?” the master asked as he stroked his beard. “I don’t know. No one has ever done it before.”

“I have a lot to think about,” Junjie said.

“Indeed,” the master replied. “And not much time within which to do your thinking. My body grows weaker and I fear the Staff will allow me to expire soon. I would like to know that the Twentieth Master is in place before I make my way to Diyu.”

“This is all so much,” Junjie said.

“Well,” the master said. “My advice would be that you talk to Mei-Ling…as much as you can. You wouldn’t want to give up the chance at being a kung fu master for a woman who doesn’t love you…but you also wouldn’t want to take on this life changing role without knowing how the woman you love feels about you.”

“Do you know if she loves me?” Junjie asked.

“Ha,” the master said. “I may be the master of the greatest of all kung fu clans, but I will never be a master when it comes to the female mind. Talk to her, my son. Reveal the mystery of her heart and make a decision.”

“What if I make the wrong one?” Junjie asked.

“Then you will fall on your face and live with the consequences forever,” the master said.

“Huh,” Junjie said. “I was hoping for a better response.”

“Welcome to adulthood,” the master said.

The master’s ghostly form disappeared and left Junjie to observe the woman he loved all by himself.

“What am I going to do?” Junjie asked himself.

Poof! The master’s apparition appeared again.

Junjie’s frightened scream was mildly reminiscent of a woman. “Ack!”

“But seriously,” the master said. “Make a decision before tomorrow morning because the clock is ticking.”

Poof. The master’s spirit disappeared. Junjie waited a full minute before deciding he was all alone.

“Oh Mei-Ling,” Junjie said as he observed Mei-Ling practice her stances. “How I wonder what you think of me.”

Poof! The master was back and this time, he scared Junjie so much that the young man had to clutch his heart and breathe deeply just to slow it down.

“Master!” Junjie said. “You have to stop doing that!”

“Oh sorry,” the master said. “I thought this was the kitchen.”

Poof!

The Grand Library of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw was old, dusty and in a state of disrepair. The reading tables were rickety. The floor was dirty. Cobwebs grew over the thousands upon thousands of scrolls stored in cubby holes along the walls.

“You’ve appointed me as a janitor, master?” Niu asked.

The master laughed as he leaned on a desk. “No, my son. It has been three years since Scholar Jing succumbed to his advanced age and I have yet to find a replacement.”

Niu looked around the room. “I can see why. No one wants to get their hands dirty?”

“No,” the old man said. “No one realizes the honor of this great position.”

Scholar Jing’s desk was decorated with a gold inlay that was in desperate need of polishing. Curious as to what it contained, Niu opened a drawer only to step back as a bat flew out. It squeaked menacingly, then flapped its wings until it was out of the library.

“I can’t say I’m feeling the honor as of yet, master,” Niu said.

“Kung fu is the way of peace,” the master said. “The way of tranquility. Defense over offense is our way yet many young students fill their minds with thoughts of adventure and daring do. No one wants to be a kung fu librarian.”

“And I should?” Niu asked.

“Of course,” the master said as he pointed to the cubby hole lined walls. “These scrolls contain the history of our clan. Each scholar records the events of his time and passes it down to the next scholar. It is an essential role, for if we lose our past, then our grip on the future becomes tenuous at best.”

Niu folded his giant muscular arms and looked down at the old man. “And when you look at me, a librarian is what you see?”

“No,” the master said. “I see an ox capable of crashing through enemy lines and destroying opponents two at a time. But there is what you look like on the outside and who you are on the inside.”

Niu sat down at Scholar Jing’s desk. The chair creaked and cracked apart, leaving Niu’s backside on the floor.

“And who am I on the inside?” Niu asked as he stood up.

“Someone who realizes this is a job that needs to be done and…”

Niu dusted himself off and sighed. “Someone who realizes if I wasn’t meant for this job, I wouldn’t be here.”

“You are free to turn it down,” the master said.

“No,” Niu said. “Though I’m going to need a bigger chair.”

“The library is yours to furnish as you see fit,” the master said as he led the big man out of the library and down a hallway.

“As our scholar, you will keep the library in superb condition, maintain the scrolls of past scholars, and advise those who seek information,” the master said.

“I understand,” Niu said.

“Naturally, I expect you to keep a full training schedule, as you are still a member of China’s most revered kung fu clan,” the master said.

“Naturally,” Niu said.

“But you must also devote your free time to reading the scrolls and absorbing their wisdom,” the master said. “You must start with the tale of how the Staff of Ages was constructed in Heaven and gifted to the First Infallible Master so that he would be inspired to raise the first kung fu clan and call upon others to raise clans in service of the Emperor.”

“That sounds like a lot of reading, master,” Niu said.

“Yes,” the master said, “But it is knowledge you will need to perform a scholar’s most important task.”

“An important task?” Niu asked. “Is it dangerous?”

When Niu and the master reached the end of the hallway, the old man opened up a pair of double doors. The pair stepped into a room where fifty children, ranging in ages from five to twelve, sat at tables and ate breakfast.

“Very,” the master said. “All scholars must educate the next generation, and don’t expect them to go easy on you.”

The master clapped his hands. “Children!”

Like a swarm energetic locusts, the kids jumped out of their seats and surrounded the visitors.

“Master, master!” the little ones cried.

“Hello, young ones,” the master said. “Behold, Scholar Niu, your new teacher.”

Niu grimaced as the kids swarmed around him.

“Wow, he is huge!” one child said.

“Like a mountain with eyeballs,” another child added.

“Master,” Niu said. “Why are the fates punishing me?”

The master laughed. “It may seem that way now, but in time, you will recognize this duty as a blessing, just as Scholar Jing did.”

“I am the greatest kung fu champion!” a little boy shouted as he kicked Niu square in the groin.

Timber. Like a mighty tree severed from its base, the clan’s newest scholar came crashing down to the floor with a tremendous thud.

“I think Scholar Jing was a better man than I,” Niu said as he stared up at the ceiling.