Category Archives: Zombie Western

How the West Was Zombed = #165 on Wattpad Horror Fiction

Hey 3.5 Readers,

Sooo….I don’t want to count my chickens before they’re hatched or anything but I was pleased to see that How the West Was Zombed was ranked #165 in Wattpad Horror as of Saturday morning.

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I’m not saying that I’m putting a down payment on my house in Malibu but…I probably should right?

Here it is listed in the “Hot” section of Wattpad Horror.  I’m just going to say it.  I always thought I’d have to set myself on fire in order to get someone to refer to me as “Hot.”

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Seriously.  I’ve been referred to as “lukewarm” and “mildly tepid” but “hot” is a new one for me.

Oh and for no reason, here is a picture of Bookshelf Q. Battledog:

BQBD

This noble hound has defended BQB HQ from many zombies.  Also, he has eaten 5,731 intruders alive.

People…so many Hollywood super models are missing out on partying with me.  They don’t even know what they are missing out on.

Help them out and check out my story on Wattpad.

Look, I’m not some kind of Wattpad math scientist.  But I assume your reads, clicks, votes, comments, etc. all factor in to pushing this fine, fine story up the charts, and moving me closer to my Malibu beach house where I will no doubt party with many, many super models.

3.5 READERS: But BQB what about Video Game Rack Fighter?

She is down with it provided she gets to party with male super models.  Honestly, I’m probably just going to tell her I will invite male models to the party but then not actually do it.

Don’t tell her I said that.  Only 3.5 people read this blog so the secret should be safe.

3.5 READERS: But BQB, you’re still a hideous nerd.  No super model will want you.

Maybe, but you’d be surprised how far “Hey baby, I can put in a good word for you if you want to play an 1800’s zombie hooker in the movie based on my book that all began on WordPress and Wattpad” will go.

So please, 3.5 readers.  Help a nerd out and I promise to party with so many super models in your honor.

That’s how much I care about my 3.5 readers.

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Dead 7 – Sy Fy’s Zombie Western

Son of a bitch.

Sorry.  Pardon my language.

Sy Fy has a zombie western in which the Backstreet Boys and 98 Degrees play cowboys fighting zombies.

Though I have to be missing something as I’m pretty sure one of them is wearing a backwards hat and I’m certain there’s a Jeep in there.

I don’t have to give up on my Zombie Western though right?  Attorney Donnelly is at work as we speak on a press release about how mine is much more awesome-er.

Nah.  I don’t know.  There are a few self published zombie westerns floating around out there already.

It’s just a little discouraging sometimes.  You think you’re original and then you realize there’s so much entertainment out there it is virtually impossible to be original.

Wait a minute…he is wearing a backwards baseball hat!  WTF?!

 

 

 

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How the West Was Zombed – #218 in Horror Fiction on Wattpad

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

How the West Was Zombed is currently ranked #218 in Horror Fiction on Wattpad.

Check it:

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That’s the highest one of my stories has ever ranked before.

If you’re a Wattpadder, I’d appreciate it if you’d give it a read, a vote, a comment…any little bit you can do can help it climb the charts.

The more eyes, the more feedback, the more feedback motivates me to keep going.

I hate to admit it, but I have a hard time sometimes.

I want to start my own self-publishing business so badly, but I feel life has it out for me.  Things constantly go wrong.  Ridiculous nonsense constantly gets in my way.  There’s always something that’s immediately pressing.

I get to write when I “steal my time back.”  I get up a little earlier.  I stay up a little later.  I stop watching TV.  I stop doing fun things.

That’s all admirable but it does take a toll.  Sometimes you do need to unwind.  Sometimes you do need to be unproductive, even if it is for twenty minutes.

Like this site’s name, it just seems like it is a constant battle.  Sometimes I get frustrated.  Whenever I think I have a nice free night of writing ahead of me and some nonsense gets in the way, I feel like banging my head against the wall.

Sometimes I think about giving up.  If the gods, or karma, or the powers that be or whatever wanted me to write, they would stop allowing so many time sucking curveballs to be sent my way.

Your comments help.  Even if your comment is “this sucks” it helps me because, hey, last year I didn’t even have half of a rough draft written for someone to tell me it sucks so…improvement!

You keep reading and commenting, I’ll keep finding ways to squeeze writing in.

Thank you, 3.5 readers.  You are by far the best 3.5 readers a magical bookshelf caretaker/alien friend/zombie fighter/town mayor could ask for

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 62

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“BRAINS!!!”

The undead muttered that word over and over.  They stretched their arms out in front of them, trudging forward ever so slowly.

“Get behind me, my dear!” Doc said to Annabelle.  She didn’t waist any time stepping behind the good doctor as if he were a human shield.

“Could this be the end?” Doc asked.  “Doctor Elias T. Faraday of Boston, Massachusetts…”

“Oh Jesus,” Gunther said.  “Not that again.”

“…but no relation to the Chestnut Hill Faradays, those lousy pickpockets…cut down in his prime before he was able to make his mark on history?”

Blake, Townsend, and the Reverend joined Sarah in hiding under the pews.

The creature with the eyeball hanging out of its socket lunged at Gunther.  The old man braced himself.  That big disgusting mouth opened wide and…a knife was pushed through it.

The blade was drenched in blood but Gunther recognized it.  It was his.  It was pulled back.  The body fell to the floor, revealing Slade.

The ex-marshal made quick work of the other two creatures, stabbing each through the forehead, letting their bodies collapse in a heap.

Slade handed the knife to Gunther, handle first.  The old man took it, wiped off the blood and guts with a handkerchief, then returned it to the sheath on his belt.

“Blake,” Gunther said.

The group’s resident troublemaker popped his head up.  He sneered as soon as he saw Slade had returned.

“I hate to say I told you so,” Gunther said.

“Took him long enough!” Blake complained before ducking back under his pew.

Gunther looked out the window.  He was dismayed to see that Slade was alone.

“Miss Bonnie?” the old man asked.

Slade lowered his head, then shook it from side to side.

Gunther took off his hat and held it over his heart.  “Aw hell.”

Annabelle cried.

Slade found Sarah.  He helped her up and sat down with her.

“You’re not the marshal anymore,” Sarah said.

“I know,” Slade said.

“You can’t save everyone,” Sarah said.

“I know,” Slade repeated.

“Why would you risk your life for someone you hardly know?”  Sarah asked.

“I…”  Slade didn’t want to lie but didn’t think this would be the best time to come clean either.  “I don’t know.”

“So what now?”  Gunther asked.

“We should go,”  Slade said.

“I’ve been saying that all night!” Blake hollered from under his pew.

“Stow it,” Gunther said, and then to Slade, “Can you believe this shit?”

“No,” Slade said. “But there’s over a hundred of them out there.  Pulling people out of their houses and eating them alive.”

“Mother of God,” Gunther said.  The old man pulled out his knife and stood watch by the window, ready to strike any more attackers.

Slade left Sarah with Annabelle and joined his ex-deputy.

“What do you think?”  Slade asked.

“I don’t know,” Gunther said.  “The Injuns?”

“What?” Slade scoffed.  “The curse?  That was just mumbo jumbo, wasn’t it?”

“Maybe,” Gunther said.  “But I’ve heard tales of Injuns having mysterious powers.”

Slade winced and rubbed his head.  “The telegram.”

“What?”  Gunther asked.

“Uxley,” Slade said.  “The marshal from Colorado.  This was what he was trying to warn everyone about.”

“Shit,”  Gunther said.

“And those soldiers,” Slade continued.  “They shot a man in the head after he died.  They knew to do that…”

Gunther finished Slade’s sentence for him.  “…because they’d seen the dead rise up before.”

The two men kept staring out the window.

“The government lied to us,” Slade said.

“Nothing new there,” Gunther replied.

“Why would they tell us to stay put when they knew this was happening all over the country?”  Slade asked.

“To save their oily hides without causing an eastward exodus,” Gunther said.

“You wanted to go,”  Slade said.  “I should have listened to you.”

“You should have,” Gunther said.  “But don’t second guess yourself now, son.  Who could have predicted this shit?”

“I still can’t believe it,” Slade said.

“Me neither,” Gunther replied.  “And I’ve been alive so long I thought I’d seen everything there is to see twice.”

A floorboard creaked behind the duo.  Unbeknownst to Gunther and Slade, Blake had found enough courage to come out from under his pew.  He’d been standing behind them and listening in on their conversation for awhile.

“YOU KNEW?”

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How the West Was Zombed – The Plot

I have to admit – I wasn’t entirely sure of the plot in the beginning and looking back, it shows.

After thinking of various plots, the one I went with:

  • Henry Alan Blythe is lead counsel for the Legion Corporation, secretly run by a board of dastardly vampires.
  • Zombies can be created when a person a) drinks vampire blood and then b)dies.  The vampire who supplied the blood can control the zombies (Blythe, here.  Also, when he doesn’t control them, they’re just free range zombies who trudge around and bite at will)
  • Doc Farraday has unwittingly sold an elixir that contains, among other things, vampire’s blood across the West.
  • From Colorado onward, zombies have destroyed everything, and werwolves (allies to vampires) are herding them East…
  • …to get on a train so they can be transported across the Mississippi and unloaded in the East, so they can cut a line of destruction and mayhem all the way to Washington, D.C.
  • Slade, who never backs down and his deputy, Gunther, who makes a strong case for backing down, must stop this from happening…
  • …and they’ll find out about it when the Buchanan Boys, fans of Doc’s elixir, get shot in a duel and become zombies
  • And when Miss Bonnie’s saloon is blown up, creating more zombies.
  • Blythe is an adept mastermind and the board should really sit back and enjoy his work.
  • But Slade is resistant to glamour (vampire hypnosis).  Vampires can look into most humans’ eyes, find out what they want and deliver a mental promise they’ll have it if they just do whatever the vampire wants them to do.  But Slade has such little belief in “hope” that he can’t be exploited that way.
  • Thus, the board thinks Slade has darkness in him and could be turned into an ally.
  • Which is basically my way of explaining why Blythe doesn’t just shoot Gunther and Slade in the back of their heads and then take a nap 20 minutes into the story to begin with.  He does want to, but he’s a good employee.
  • A boy werewolf, who recently learned how to be a werewolf so he isn’t very good at it, will teach Slade and co all about vampires, werwolves, and zombies.
  • SPOILER ALERT – Blythe has evil shenanigans planned vis a vis Slade’s two women, something evil in an attempt to make Slade so upset and angry he turns evil.
  • SPOILER ALERT – And he has to stop the zombie train.  While riding on Miles the Amateur Werewolf’s back as his furry steed so I can put it on the book cover.
  • SPOILER ALERT  – The West ends up “zombed” or full of zombie, thus giving me the chance to write more ridiculous sequels and maybe sell enough copies to treat myself to a night out at Applebees.

QUESTION – This is pretty much the dumbest thing ever written, right?  Is any of this coming across to you as you read?

Should I just give up? 

 

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 61

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For forty plus years, Gunther had avoided being in charge, opting to retain the position of deputy rather than take many offered promotions to the rank of full fledged marshall.

As Ophelia henpecked away at him, he was reminded why he hated situations like this. Being left in charge meant he had to listen to everyone whine and complain.

“This is ridiculous,” Ophelia said. “What kind of a man leaves his bride in the middle of…of…whatever’s going on?”

The Reverend hiccuped then poured himself another drink. “The end of the world is nigh! The Almighty will cleanse the earth of all sinners!”

“I’m sure Rain will be back as soon as he can,” Gunther said. “He just had to rescue…”

Ophelia was about to open her mouth but she thought better of it when she saw Sarah sitting by herself in one of the pews, sobbing.

“…the whore,” Ophelia whispered.

“So?” Gunther asked.

“Don’t tell me you approve,” Ophelia said.

“Don’t whores deserve a rescue too?” Gunther asked.

“Disgusting,” Ophelia said. “Absolutely shameful.”

“Repent all ye sinners,” the Reverend said as he took another belt. “For we shall all soon be judged unworthy in the eyes of the Lord.”

“Reverend,” Doc said. “Can you stick a cork in it? You’re scaring the women folk.”

The Reverend lowered his voice but kept boozing and mumbling biblical verses to himself.

“I always knew Slade was yella,” Blake said. “That coward hightailed it outta here first chance he got.”

“Shut your trap, Martin,” Gunther said. “You’ll never be half the man Rainier Slade is and that’s why you’re always on a tear about him.”

“How’s that?” Blake asked.

“You’re jealous,” Gunther said.
“That’s crazy talk,” Blake said.

“You don’t got the guts strap on a gun and hunt down outlaws yourself so you badmouth a man that’s braver than you are just to make yourself feel better about it,” Gunther said.

“Them’s fighting words,” Blake said.

“Maybe,” Gunther said. “But them’s also truthful words.”

Blake moved towards Gunther. Townsend put his hand on Blake’s shoulder.

“Settle down,” Townsend said. “He’s pegged you right.”

“You’re taking HIS side?” Blake asked his old friend.

“No,” Townsend replied. “But there’s no use fighting over it. Slade has obviously abandoned us and now we have to figure out what to do next.”

Gunther slapped his head at the stupidity. “Holy shit.”

Doc splayed out in a pew and rested his head on Annabelle’s lap. He felt some relief as his companion stroked her hands through his hair. His stomach was still unsettled and he’d broken out into a cold sweat. Annabelle noticed his forehead felt cold and clammy.

“I…”

Doc coughed.

“Pardon me,” Doc said. “I must protest at these assaults on Mr. Slade’s character. In the short time I’ve known him I’ve seen nothing but a man of steely reserve and remarkable fort…”

He coughed again. A loud hack.

“…itude.”

“Maybe we should leave without him,” Ophelia said. “We’re sitting ducks here.”

“No one’s going anywhere, Mrs. Hutchins,” Gunther said. “And could you step away from the window?”

“Why?” Ophelia asked.

“It’s…” Gunther closed his eyes for a second, irate that Ophelia was making him explain something so obvious. “Because it’s not safe. There might be more of those creepy crawlers out there looking at you right now.”

Sarah’s sobs grew louder. Gunther looked at Annabelle.

“What?” Annabelle asked.

The old man pointed his head at Sarah.

“Oh,” Annabelle said. “OK.”

Annabelle got up out from underneath Doc and held up his hand. She pointed Doc’s hand toward Gunther.

“Can you…”

“Huh?” Gunther asked.

“Well I can’t comfort two people at once!” Annabelle protested.

Gunther was hesitant. “You want me to…”

“Yes,” Annabelle replied.

Disgusted, Gunther rolled his eyes as he took Doc’s sweaty hand into his.

Annabelle walked over to Sarah’s pew and put her arm around the bride.

“Shhh,” she said. “It’s all going to be ok.”

Gunther made an effort to follow Annabelle’s lead.

“Umm,” he said to Doc. “There, there…”

“Oh thank you, Mr. Beauregard,” Doc said. “How I adore your kindness in this most trying time.”

“Nope!” Gunther said. He let go of Doc’s hand, letting it plop down on the patient’s chest. “Nothin’ doin.’ I’ve only held the hands of two men in my life. One was my father when I was a little boy and one was a sergeant getting his leg amputated on the battlefield. Call me when you need to get a limb hacked off.”

“Hellfire and brimstone,” the Reverend said. “The heat will be excruciating.”

Doc swiped the Reverend’s bottle. “You’re cut off.”

Blake rested his hands on his big brass belt buckle. “I’m in charge now.”

“What?” Gunther asked.

“I’m in charge and I say we all go,” Blake said. “I’m not going to die waiting for Slade when we all know that lowlife is never coming back.”

“He’s coming back,” Gunther said.

“And what if he doesn’t?” Blake asked.

“Then who’s stopping you?” Gunther asked. “There’s the door. Leave whenever you want.”

“You don’t think I won’t?” Blake asked.

“I don’t give a shit,” Gunther answered.

“Maybe Slade’s dead,” Ophelia said.

Sarah heard that and buried her head into Annabelle’s shoulder, crying away. Gunther grimaced at Ophelia and pointed at the bride.

“Oh,” Ophelia whispered. “Maybe Slade’s dead.”

“We all heard you the first time,” Gunther said. “And it’s a bit early to start thinking the worst, isn’t it?”

“Is it?” Ophelia asked. “We need to be prepared for anything, especially when the man we’re all depending on has..”

A cold and slimy undead hand punched through the window, spraying out pieces of glass. It covered Ophelia’s face, muffling her attempts to scream.

“Son of a bitch,” a dumbstruck Blake said.

Gunther came to Ophelia’s aid just in time to see a grotesque, burned up head poke its way through the window, preparing to turn the maid of honor into a meal.

The old man smashed the Reverend’s bottle against the wall to create a makeshift knife. He jammed it into the monster’s forehead, pushing it through until he hit brain. The creature let go of Ophelia and collapsed on the porch outside with a thud.

“Oh thank God,” Ophelia said as she struggled to catch her breath. “You saved my…”

Another set of hands…and another…and another…six filthy hands in total grabbed Ophelia by the face, waist and legs and yanked on her. Gunther grabbed Ophelia’s hand and pulled back with everything he had.

Doc stirred at the commotion. He stumbled on wobbly legs and grabbed Ophelia’s other hand. Annabelle ran over and found a place on Ophelia’s arm and pulled.

Sarah took one look and hid under the pew.

“Aw shit,” Blake said.

The Reverend was too drunk to care. Townsend eventually walked over to lend a hand but it was too late.

The old chubby lady’s shrieks pierced everyones’ ears as she was ripped to pieces. Gunther found himself holding one bloody limb. Doc and Annabelle held the other. Both arms were dropped and the would be heroes backed away.

One of the damned had an eyeball hanging out of its socket. It feasted on a big hunk of Ophelia’s flesh, drenching its lips with blood. Then he and the other two undead slowly turned their heads towards the smorgasbord that awaited them inside the church.

“Don’t…make…a…sound,” Doc said as he slowly backed away, using very small footsteps.

Gunther and Annabelle followed suit.

“I suspect they are like grizzly bears,” Doc whispered. “Only when they suspect you are running away will they pounce.”

The damned creatures growled. One undead had a face that was burnt up like a piece of charcoal. He put his leg over the windowsill and crawled inside.

“Well fuck that theory,” Gunther said.”

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Zombie Western Sequels

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Hello 3.5 readers.

For the 3.5 of you reading this…advise me.

Do you want to see Slade and Gunther in a sequel?

I’m currently leaning towards no.  Slade’s Eastwood-esque stoic persona is a joke that only gets so much mileage, I feel.

Although he does talk a lot more around Miss Bonnie…and she did just kill a damn werewolf so I suppose if they’re fighting zombies together it could work.

My mind has come up with two sequels, neither one including Slade.  Both books include actual historical cowboys/girls though obviously, very fictional versions of them.

The second book I have in mind is set in the world and has Calamity Jane fighting zombies and more Legion Corporation shenanigans.

The third book I’m considering sees Wyatt Earp and his friend Doc Holliday fighting zombies and yes, more Legion Corporation shenanigans.

Believe it or not, I have three more book ideas beyond that but I’d have to see a lot of people liking these or else I’ll probably just try another story idea.

So I guess my first question is do you want to see all/any of these characters in the first book return?

My gut is telling me that each future book would include a fictional version of a historic cowboy.  Although if I make it to four books, I do have a fictional cowboy in mind.

Book 5 would involve Mexico.  Book 6, God help me, would involve an elderly Slade becoming Gunther to a young cowboy, bringing the whole thing full circle.

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Tonight’s Walking Dead

SPOILERS!

Super violent episode tonight.  Rick and Co. took on “The Saviors.”

They’d never tangled with this group before, but the Hilltop people had been forced into servitude to them.

Rick and the gang agreed to take out the Saviors in exchange for regular food payments from the Hilltop.

They reason that if they don’t, then the Saviors will eventually attack them.

Obviously, some parallels to today’s world.  There are some who argue that it is necessary to take out bad groups, regimes, etc who are wreaking havoc before they get out of control and there are others who say we should mind our own business and don’t attack unless we’re attacked first.

Are preemptive strikes a good or bad idea?  Did the group cross the line?

What say you, 3.5 readers?

By the way, JB Smoove is a hilarious guest on tonight’s Talking Dead.

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 60

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Miss Bonnie dismounted her impromptu steed. Miles ripped the door to the Marshall’s office off its hinges. He walked in and sniffed. The place smelled of Slade but he wasn’t there.

Miles cringed. There was a new voice in his brain. It was low and menacing. Hewitt.

“Where are you boy?”

He clutched his paws around his head, hoping in vain this would make it stop. It didn’t.

“Why don’t you give up?  You’re just making things worse for yourself.”

Miles roared. Miss Bonnie was baffled, unsure what was wrong with her new friend. She ransacked the office, looking for anything that could help. When she opened up the desk drawers, she found the jackpot. Lots of ammo boxes. She found an old burlap sack in the corner and filled it.

“You don’t need to go out like your old man,” Hewitt said. “Join up with Legion and there will be some money in it for you. Don’t be a chump like your father.”

Another roar. Miles dropped to his knees. He wanted to scream “Get it out, get it out!” but he couldn’t speak openly in werewolf form. He curled up in a ball, hugged his knees and rocked back and forth until he was human again.

The transformation stunned Miss Bonnie. “How did you…”

Heavy footsteps pounded across the roof. A human Miles stood up and put his hand over Miss Bonnie’s mouth.

“Shhh!”

With startled eyes, the pair looked up at the ceiling. Thump…thump…thump went Hewitt’s feet, rattling the boards above their heads.

Two Winchesters hanged on the wall, the property of Slade and Gunther, respectively. Miles grabbed them and laid them out on the desk.

“Load this,” Miles whispered as he handed the redhead one of the rifles.

Miss Bonnie opened up the bag and took out a box of cartridges. Miles stopped her and pointed to the bandolier that was hanging over her shoulder, across her chest.

“With those,” the boy whispered.

Miss Bonnie nodded. She took a bullet out of the bandolier. The shiny silver tip caught her eye. She loaded the rifle to capacity.

THUMP! More footsteps.

Miles pointed to the ceiling, then to his head, then to his heart. Miss Bonnie’s face scrunched up in bewilderment. The boy repeated the motions. The redhead nodded, getting the gist that only a head or heart shot with a silver bullet would do the trick against the monster that was hunting them.

The footsteps stopped. A set of sharp nails dragged their way across the wall behind Slade’s desk. Miss Bonnie and Miles recoiled back to the opposite wall, huddling together quietly. They were in a panic to be sure, but were too scared to say anything about it.

A few seconds passed. Miles began to wonder if his foe had given up and left.

SMASH! A pair of paws crashed through the wall. One grabbed Miles, the other grabbed Miss Bonnie and with tremendous force, they were pulled through the wall and out into the night air.

Hewitt tossed Miss Bonnie aside, deciding to make Miles his first victim. Miss Bonnie dropped her rifle as she flew through the air, only to land in the dirt. Her body ached with pain and was covered with cuts, scrapes and bruises.

She looked up. The wolf man had Mile’s throat in his paw and was holding the boy in the air, squeezing tighter and tighter. Miles thrashed his feet to and fro wildly as he struggled to release himself. It was no use.

Miss Bonnie stood up and found the rifle. She yanked the lever to rack up a bullet. She looked down the sights at Hewitt’s big furry head.  She could only see the side.

“Hey asshole!” she shouted.

Hewitt turned around to face her.

“Why don’t you pick on someone your own size?”

Miss Bonnie squeezed the trigger. A hole opened up right between Hewitt’s yellow eyes. His hand released Miles and he along with Hewitt’s hairy carcass tumbled to the ground.

She ran over and helped Miles up.

“Are you ok?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Miles said.
They returned to the office to gather up the bag of ammo and the other rifle.

“You can turn yourself into one of those things whenever you want?” Miss Bonnie asked.

“Yes,” Miles said. “I’m a werewolf.”

“So why didn’t you?” Miss Bonnie asked.

“I’m not a very good one,” Miles said.

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How the West Was Zombed – Reblog

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Howdy 3.5 Cowpokes.

I’ve come along way this year.  Still much more to go, but I’m 40,000 words into a novel and that’s the farthest I’ve ever come on a book idea before.

I may have a chance at actually getting this thing out to the masses, to Amazon, in the hopes of expanding my website’s readership from 3.5 to 30.5 readers.

It has also been interesting to look at the characters, where they started, and how far they have come as well.

So for those 3.5 readers just tuning in, I will start today by reblogging a few chapters and will keep up with the reblogging from time to time so anyone interested can check it out and give me their feedback.

Thank you and hopefully the world will enjoy this novel enough to get the Mighty Potentate off my back.

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All Hail the Mighty Potentate.

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