Tag Archives: expendables

Movie Review – Expend4bles

Yeesh, what a stinkburger.

Let’s get this review over with.

I have no idea why I keep falling for this drek, 3.5 readers. Once upon a time, there were franchises I could always count on for a good time. Fast and Furious was one of them until they let me down in May with their latest monstrosity that they owe the fans an apology and a refund for.

But the Expendables? Nah. No way Stallone would ever do us dirty, right? RIGHT?

Wrong.

But let’s back up.

Schwarzenegger and Stallone were the top action stars of the 80s, even into the early 90s. Alas, Arnie made the mistake of running for govanator of Cal-ee-forn-ya in the oughts, which I say was a mistake because he wasn’t that much of a governor and he missed out on his chance to rebrand himself as an actor and take on roles where he plays older, wiser, mentor types. Maybe even bring some of his old properties back for one last ride.

Stallone has managed to do that with style. In the past 20 years he’s given us a couple of fairly decent Rambo sequels, as well as some great Rocky sequels. But arguably his best contribution was the Expendables, a trio of action films that served as love letters to the 1980s action flicks that made him famous, the ones that former 80s kids like this writer loves.

And while many moves lamely patch themselves together with pathetic, tired cameos, the Expendables excelled at cameo fan service, giving action stars of yesteryear huge roles with plenty of room to strut their stuff for the fans who have missed them oh so long. Past outings have seen Chuck Norris, Jean Claude Van Damme, Bruce Willis, AH-nold, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Harrison Ford, well, basically anyone who has ever fired a gun in a movie before has been in one of these films and given plenty of time to shine. Not just a silly walk on but time to shine.

Were these flicks low on plot? Sure, but they still had a fun, rudimentary plot. Despite a huge ensemble cavalcade of characters, everyone had something important to do for at least a few minutes. It was a rockin good time.

Now comes this mess. My first complaint is a big one. Stallone is barely in it and he’s really the main reason you’d see it in the first place. Talk about a bait and switch. It’s like being sold a ferrari only to drive it home and find out it was a bunch of cardboard prosthetics propped up and painted around a 1977 Gremlin. I really am getting sick and tired of these movies that look good in the promos only to disappoint on screen but I wonder how many times I’ll fall for it before I stop bothering to buy a ticket altogether.

Stallone’s number 2 man, Lloyd Chrismas (Jason Statham) takes the lead, avenging the death of Stallone’s character Barney Ross against a pretty insignificant villain. Past flicks gave us action film stars like Van Damme and Mel Gibson chewing up the scenery while the baddie is rudimentary. Someting bad happened years ago and there’s a secret bad guy and you know what its all so stupid it’s not worth your time.

Megan Fox gets a big part and her hotness defies logic as well as my pants but even she can’t save this stink fest. 50 Cent stops by but even if he were an entire dollar he couldn’t do much.

Missing in action are Expendable standards Terry Crews (Hail Caesar) and Jet Li. No explanation given. I assume they just read the script and there wasn’t enough money to convince them to debase themselves. I wish Stallone and Statham felt the same way. Especially Stallone. I mean, come on man. You slap your name and face on this, your fans come out thinking it’s going to be a winner only for it to be a loser cash grab? That sucks.

I don’t really understand the fizzle. Surely there are plenty of action stars who want five minutes to ride again. Or maybe this franchise already gave them that. And if they’re all too costly, then don’t ruin the franchise with a lousy flick.

STATUS: Not Shelfworthy. At some point, doesn’t Hollywood owe us a duty to not make shitty movies? Shouldn’t all these people look at this script and say this really blows and we aren’t going to hoodwink fans who loved the past three into thinking 4 is going to be equally great? So tired of this.

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Rocky Balboa and Rambo 5 – Attack on Nursing Home Delta

Readers, I’ll let you in on a secret.  Hell, there’s only like three of you reading, so it will still remain a secret after I’ve told you.

The Bookshelf Battler is a fan of the Rocky movies.

In particular – Rocky 1-IV, and VI.  I like to pretend V doesn’t exist.  If you’re not an Ancient Roman, I’m trying to tell you I like Rocky 1-4, not 5, and 6.

Six had the potential to be very bad.  It was released in 2006 as Rocky Balboa and even then, Stallone was past his prime.

But to his credit, Stallone didn’t do what many aging stars have done – demand that the audience turn a blind eye and see him like he’s some kind of young superstar, like he was in his glory days.  He wrote his age into the plot.  In the film, Rocky is old, down on his luck.  Adrian’s deceased, he’s lost all his money, his grown-up son hates him, and he runs a lame restaurant that people go to just to listen to him stop by their tables to tell a few boxing stories.

After a computer simulation pits him against a popular fighter, a match is arranged for them to go head to head and the measure of Rocky’s victory is laid out – to be considered a success, he doesn’t have to win.  He isn’t expected to win at all.  He just has to survive for awhile in the ring.  Essentially, by fighting the fight and not dropping dead, Rocky wins.

The movie brings the franchise around full circle, to the initial movie where Rocky did not win the fight against Apollo Creed, but actually found success just by going toe to toe with him in the ring when everyone thought the nobody would pretty much be murdered instantly by the famous fighter.

In my opinion, when Rocky gave his infamous speech to his son, he defined the entire series:

Rocky Balboa’s Inspirational Speech to His Son

“You ain’t gonna believe this, but you used to fit right here. (Shows palm of his hand). I’d hold you up to say to your mother, ‘This kid’s gonna be the best kid in the world. This kid’s gonna be somebody better than anybody I ever knew.’ And you grew up good and wonderful. It was great just watchin’ you, every day was like a privilege. Then the time come for you to be your own man and take on the world, and you did. But somewhere along the line, you changed. You stopped being you. You let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you’re no good. And when things got hard, you started lookin’ for something to blame, like a big shadow.

Let me tell you something you already know.The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!

Now if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth! But you gotta be willing to take the hits. And not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that!

I’m always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You’re my son and you’re my blood. You’re the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, you ain’t gonna have a life.”

Sylvester Stallone in Rocky Balboa (2006)

Let me just repeat one part:

“You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!”

In other words, getting knocked down is inevitable.  It is going to happen.  You can’t feel bad that it happened.  You can’t say, “Woe is me, if only I was like one of those lucky people who didn’t get knocked down.”  This is just what life does.  You didn’t fail when you got knocked down.  You failed when you stayed down.

I remember sitting in the movie theater, listening to an old Sylvester Stallone say those words, and they made me feel inspired to take on the world.  And, sadly, there have been many times when I’ve ignored Rocky’s advice.  Life would toss a right-hook to my face, send me straight to floor, and I’d say, “Hmmm, what a nice, comfy floor!  I think I’ll stay here for awhile!”

But aside from that, at my lowest moments, I would not turn to a classic poet, or a Rhodes Scholar, or a Nobel Laureate.  I’d click on YouTube and find the clip of Rocky giving his son that speech.  And it would leave me feeling inspired.

The success of Rocky Balboa allowed Stallone to bring back Rambo.  More or less, he followed the same formula.  Don’t portray Rambo as an old man pretending to be a youthful tough guy.  Present him as an old man, hiding out in the jungle, trying to get away from his past.  I can’t say it inspired me to the extent Rocky Balboa did, but it was an acceptable film.

Then came The Expendables.  Again, the same formula – old timers playing old timers.  People who criticized it didn’t get the point.  It wasn’t made for them.  It was made for 1980’s era action flick fanboys like yours truly.  High action.  Low plot.  That’s how we liked our action when Reagan was in the White House.

But I have to say, the recent Expendables 3 didn’t do much for me, and I fear another Rambo installment might be pushing it when it comes to cashing in on the audience’s good will.  Stallone can only go to the, “OK I’ll admit I’m old” well so many times.  Every time he trots out one of our favorite characters, he runs the risk of overextending beloved franchises.  The idea that Rocky is going to star in Creed, a film about Apollo Creed’s son as a boxer, worries me as well.

Oh well.  At least I’ll have Rocky 6 and Rambo 2.

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