Yeah I know him. Hell, me and that sonuvabitch go way back. He’s my old partner, for Chrissakes.
Why? Who’s askin’? What’re you, writing a book or somethin’?
Hatch. “The Boy Scout” we used to call him. Always did quote unquote “the right thing.” Refused to take a taste. Never looked the other way. Broke down doors like it was his mission in life to right all society’s wrongs.
I use to tell him, “Hatch. It’s great you want to save the world and all but the world called and it don’t give a shit, so sit back, relax, and have a drink with me, will ya?'”
Ahh, there was nothing I could say to get that guy to take it easy. Never saw a bigger teetotaler in all my life. Irony is I hear the bastard drinks like a fish at happy hour now.
Oh…what? He tell you about that thing with me and his wife? Jesus H. Christ, is he still harpin’ on that? For the love of God, that’s ancient history.
Hell, if you ask me, I did Hatch a favor. If his broad hadn’t been such a shameless hussy, she never would have succumbed to my rapier wit and grandiose charms. True, few women can resist tearin’ a hunk off this slab of beef but still. It’s the principle of the thing.
So what? I did what any good friend would do. I gave the gal a floozy test. She failed with a capital F. And hey, between you and me she mighta done somethin’ else that starts with “F” too.
Get it? Huh? Ahh, you people got no sense of humor. I’m Mickey Finn, damn it. I’m the life of the party over here.
Anyhow, if you see Hatcher, tell that lousy old sack of horse manure he needs to forgive and forget. Now that I have selflessly exposed his old lady as a trollop, he can get to work on finding himself a decent Christian woman, you know what I’m sayin’?
Let’s face it. That’s what Old Hatch really wants. A nice pure dame who parks her behind in the first church pew every Sunday and would slap a guy like me in the face before I could say “boo” to her.
You’re welcome, Hatch.
Not like a bum like you would ever thank me.
Mickey Finn – the guy you’ll want to slap in the face. Coming to the as of yet untitled “Project X” on June 1, right here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.
Guy at card table image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.