Tag Archives: readers

Daily Discussion with BQB – Why Don’t I have More than 3.5 Readers?

3.5 readers, please place your comments here vis a vis your theories as to why I don’t have more than 3.5 readers.  Thank you.

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Five Weeks of Toilet Gator Sundays

Can you believe it has been five whole weeks of Toilet Gator Sundays, 3.5 readers?  Now that’s commitment!

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Thank You, 3.5 Readers

Just a quick thank you to my 3.5 readers for being my readers.  Of all the blogs out there with 3.5 readers, my 3.5 readers are the best.

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Do People Read Anymore?

I’m worried people don’t read anymore.

I wish I had some stats on how often people read.

But I feel like with all the streaming media and tons and tons of TV shows that no one can keep up with, reading is going out of style.

Naturally, as an aspiring author this worries me.

What say you, 3.5 readers? Do people read anymore?

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Top Ten Ideas for Improving this Blog

The Bookshelf Battle Blog is sheer perfection, I know.  Sheer delight for the eyes of my 3.5 readers.

But I’m looking for advice on making this fine blog even better.

So you write this list in the comments, 3.5 readers.  You can be funny if you want but you don’t have to be.  This blog rarely is so why start now?

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Happy Easter 3.5 Readers

You are appreciated.  Go forth.  Celebrate and eat chocolate bunnies.

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Where Are My 3.5 Readers From? – 2016 Edition

Oceania-Globe

Views By Country in 2016 As of Right Now:

#1 – United States  – 4,511 -‘Murica!  (Most views are from Aunt Gertie)

#2 – United Kingdom – 253 – Not a bad turn out but you Brits could do more.  Drop the scones.  Hide the crumpets.  Log on to this fine blog, guvnah.

#3 – Canada – 203 – Come on Canucks.  Stare at hockey and moose butts less and my blog more.

#4 – Australia – 151 – I appreciate you Aussies taking the time to check this site out…especially because…ahh!  There’s a dingo eating your baby!  (Made you look.)

U.S., U.K., Canada, Australia – I suppose like any English speaking author these are my top four.

But let’s not leave out:

#5 – India – 60 – I need to break out into spontaneous song and dance numbers to get their attention.

#6 – France – 59 – Sacre bleu!  Ooo la la!  That’s all I know.

#7 – Germany – 50 – This blog needs more disco and leather pants.

#8 – Brazil – 42 – I’m not sure if it is a tribe along the banks of the Amazon or somewhere in the favelas of Rio, but somewhere down there, a tiny pocket of Brazilians are all about BQB.  DANZA KUDORO!  OH OH OH OH!  I don’t know.  I just like that song because it was it was in Fast Five.  I saw that movie by the way and I believe it qualifies me as an expert on Brazil.

#9 – The Philippines – 39 – Is that lady that bought a zillion shoes still in charge there?

#10 – Spain – 29 – Hola amigos.  Yo so Bookshelf Que Battler.  Leer mi blogador mas por favor.  Gracias.

By the way, I have admonished the New Zealanders before and I need to do so again.  You guys are #11 with 26 views this year.  You speak English yet you’re being beaten by the Indians, French, Germans, Brazilians, Philippinos, and the Spanish.

They aren’t shooting the Hobbit movies there any more.  What could possibly be going on in New Zealand that is so interesting that it is keeping you from becoming one of my 3.5 readers?

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Top Ten Signs You Are One of BQB’s 3.5 Readers

And now from BQB HQ in East Randomtown…the Top Ten Signs You Are One of BQB’s 3.5 Readers

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10. You continue to keep the faith that one day BQB will actually review a book.

9.  You even keep the faith that one day BQB will finish writing a book he has started.

8.  You wish you could have Scandal nights with Alien Jones and the Yeti.

7.  Uncle Hardass is starting to sound more and more reasonable.

6.  You check BQB’s movie reviews before you decide to see a movie.

5.  You’ve done the math to determine whether or not it is statistically possible to have .5th of a reader.

4.  You look at toaster pastries and toilets differently…especially on stormy nights.

3.  It concerns you that BQB doesn’t write more in order to appease the Mighty Potentate.

2.  A two-player game of Car Thief Mayhem with Video Game Rack Fighter sounds like a fun evening as long as you don’t try to beat her high score

And the number 1 reason why you might be one of BQB’s 3.5 readers…

  1.  Someone has to be…so why not you?
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Read How the West Was ZOMBED on Wattpad

Hey 3.5 Readers,

BQB here.  How the West Was Zombed has gone up and down the Wattpad horror charts.  It’s currently #610.  Comments, reads, votes, they all factor in to moving it up the charts and the higher it goes the more readers it gets so feel free to follow me @bookshelfbattle and give me your feedback.

Not on Wattpad? You can still read it and my other stuff here at bookshelfbattle.com

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BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – Day 4

“The horror. The horror.”

Bernie's starting to become the weak link in our survival group's chain.

Bernie’s starting to become the weak link in our survival group’s chain.

Bernie sat on the cold tile, trying to conceive of the atrocity he’d just committed.

“It’s ok man,” I said as I rested a hand on his shoulder. “It’s the zombie apocalypse. We’re all bound to do something stupid sooner or later.”

“But look at them all, man!” Bernie said. “I…I can’t believe I did this.”

“I can’t believe he did that either,” VGRF said, surveying the mess.

“Is there a point to making him feel bad about it now?” I asked. “What’s done is done.”

Alien Jones strolled in, nonchalant as usual.

“Gadzooks!  Is anyone going to clean up all these candy bar wrappers?”

“Twenty Crunchtasticks,” Bernie said as he laid back on the floor and grabbed his stomach. “Oh my God, I can’t believe I ate them all.”

“We’re all under a lot of stress,” I said. “You just have to find a way to deal with it by doing something more productive than snarfing down a bunch of candy bars.”

“This isn’t how I wanted my life to be,” Bernie said. “I wanted the Funky Hunks to go double-platinum! I wanted to hang out with Fiddy and Snoop and drive a Bentley and throw hot tub parties with supermodels.”

He leaned up and grabbed my shirt collar.

“So many supermodels! Where are my supermodels, BQB? Where?!”

“Some things just weren’t meant to be,” I said. “Some people get a hot tub full of supermodels. Some people don’t. We live and die by the cards life has dealt us and there’s no use whining about it.”

“But we were on TV!”

It was time for a confrontation that was years in the making.

“For five minutes,” I said. “Fifteen years ago. At four a.m. on World’s Lamest Musicians. When are you going to get over it, Bernie? The Funky Hunks are dead! Deader than those zombies outside the gate that want to kill us! Stop selling oranges and get a job!”

“What?” Bernie asked. “You’re going to make fun of my oranges now? I will have you know that I provide the world with much needed vitamin C. Whenever you don’t have a cold, you can thank me.”

Fun fact: Stank Daddy, the top rapper on today's charts, coined the phrase "Dropping a Funky Hunk" to refer to the production of a lousy rap song. All rappers live in fear of "dropping a Funky Hunk." More often than not, the phrase is interchangeable with, "Dropping a Funky Dump."

Fun fact: Stank Daddy, the top rapper on today’s charts, coined the phrase “Dropping a Funky Hunk” to refer to the production of a lousy rap song. All rappers live in fear of “dropping a Funky Hunk.” The phrase is interchangeable with, “Dropping a Funky Dump.”

“You bum five bucks off of people who feel sorry for you and give them an orange so you can trick that rattle trap you call a brain of yours into thinking you actually DID something,” I said. “Yes, Bernie. We tried something with the Funky Hunks and we failed. Our rap duo was a miserable failure. On the great list of ‘Worst Rappers in History,’ we actually rank BELOW Milli Vanilli even though those guys were caught lip syncing. And you know why? BECAUSE WE SUCKED!”

“I don’t suck! You suck!”

“We totally sucked,” I said. “But you know what? At least we tried. We tried and we failed and that’s more

“You bum five bucks off of people who feel sorry for you and give them an orange so you can trick that than most people ever do. Be honest with yourself. You refuse to try do anything else now because you’re afraid any new path you take will end up in a massive failure of Funky Hunkian proportions, don’t you?”

Bernie stood up and marched toward the gate, which was teaming with hungry undead beasts.

“I don’t have to take this!”

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“I’m leaving.”

“You can’t go out there!”

“Watch me. I’d rather be out there with those things than with a poor excuse for a friend like you!”

Bernie’s hand was inches away from slapping the red button that would open the gate.

“Stop!” I said. “You’re going to let them in!”

Various zombies of all races, colors and creeds were rattling the gate, looking at us like we were delicious chicken nuggets.

Alien Jones pointed a finger at Bernie and instantly, my buddy was frozen.

“Holy Crap!” I said. “Did you kill him?”

“He is frozen indefinitely,” Alien Jones said.

“Can you do that to them?” I asked, pointing at the zombies.

“It only works on living organisms.”

“Bernie’s really down in the dumps, huh?” VGRF asked.

“Yeah,” I said. “But since when is there a guarantee that we are all supposed to get the life we want?”

VGRF handed me Alien Jones’ space phone. She’d been reading an e-book. On the cover was a young girl holding a sledgehammer.

“I think the author of this book could help us out with that.”

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