Hey 3.5 Readers,
Guess what? You can make your very own Star Wars Crawl. Only catch is you can’t embed the video, which kind of sucks 99% of the fun out of the experience.
Even so, here’s an update on the Bookshelf Battleverse, Star Wars-style. When you’re done watching, you can create your own and share it with your 3.5 readers.
They should have made these movies ten years ago when Luke Han and Leia were younger and able to do more.
Discuss.
On Jake’s last day in the 1950’s, a blonde femme fatale/movie starlet offers him a deal that lands him in hot water. Here’s the first chapter.
Let me know what you think, ya mugs. When I’m done working on Jake’s report, I’ll have it up on Wattpad and later on popculturemysteries.com
All Day Sucker – Chapter One
May 31, 1954
I’ve always been a sucker for a pretty face and on the last day I can recall from the 1950’s there wasn’t an exception.
Alana Harris. What…a…woman. Whenever I spy my eyes toward a dame like Alana then peep at an old bag lady who collects cans on the street corner with her stolen shopping cart, I wonder how its possible that both creatures are labeled as females. I’m not trying to be politically incorrect as I know that sort of talk will get a fella drawn and quartered these days. All I’m trying to say is that Alana’s beauty was at such a high level that she defied any form of scientific nomenclature. She was a member of a species of one and what I wouldn’t give to classify her genus.
She was a blonde, as all the femme fatales typically are. I don’t know what it is about yellow hair that can turn even the brightest fella into a chuckling chowderhead. Someone ought to commission a study on that one. She had a set of curves, the kind you’d need a high performance Italian race car to drive around and a pair of lips so luscious you didn’t know whether to kiss them or frame them and hang them on a wall. Hers belonged in the Smithsonian.
There Alana was, right in front of me on the big screen, her enchanting assets so enormous that it felt like I could crawl up in her bosom and take a nap. I’m not talking about resting my head there. I’m saying the screen at the Montoya Theater was so big it looked like an actual me could fit between those casabas and go to sleep forever. Talk about the sweet life.
The flick was Love Is Not Enough. What an understatement. Folks dug it back then. It was a decent picture but it never generated any long lasting oomph. I doubt any of you mugs have ever heard of it, and I’m not trying to be one of of those dirty hipsters by saying that.
“Johnny!” Alana said, only in this flick she wasn’t Alana. She was Maggie, an ordinary housewife with a big secret. Alana as a housewife. Yeah right. If that broad ever touched a vacuum cleaner one day in her life then I’m Mickey Rooney.
“Johnny, whatsamatter? Don’t you love me no more?!”
Zip Rogers. As a certain cartoon rabbit would say, “what a maroon.” Most actors were charming and handsome but this fella was as plug ugly as they come. Yet somehow, he always got cast opposite the most alluring chickadees. I swear, that dim bulb must have had pictures of studio executives in compromising positions with barnyard animals or something.
Zip was Johnny in this film. For some reason, every male lead was named Johnny. Writers had a very limited frame of reference for names at the time.
“Love you?” Zip/Johnny asked. “Why, I can’t even stand the sight of you, you shameless, four flushing, two timing Jezebel!”
The theater was cold. I needed a little sip of the old Irish courage to warm me up. Luckily, I never went anywhere without my own supply. I reached into my trench coat, withdrew my flask and treated myself to a nice long pull.
Tsk. Tsk. The old broad behind me was flabbergasted.
“How dare you?!” she asked.
I turned around and offered her the flask.
“Sorry sweetheart. I didn’t know you wanted some.”
I might as well have asked her to make whoopee with the look she shot me. Not that there was any chance of that happening. I wouldn’t have touched her with your finger, Jack.
“Why, I never!”
“Well maybe you should, lady,” I said. “It might lighten your disposition.”
I returned my eyes to the screen. Zip/Johnny and Alana/Maggie gazing deeply into each others’ eyes.
“You don’t understand what’s going on, Johnny,” Alana/Maggie said. “I know it looks bad but I swear I never did anything wrong. I would never hurt you, my love.”
I took another swig. I felt a finger poke me in the shoulder.
“Sir!” the old bag behind me said. “Put that away! This is a respectable establishment.”
“I doubt it, Grandma,” I replied as I pointed at the screen. “If it was, they wouldn’t be showing this stinker.”
Some degenerate in the back got all heated. “HEY! SHUT YOUR FACE, MAC! I’M TRYING TO WATCH A PICTURE SHOW HERE!”
“AHH, GO SOAK YOUR HEAD YA MOOK YA!” was my earnest reply. The Irish courage medicine was kicking in.
“The butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker?” Zip/Johnny asked Alana/Maggie. “What about the podiatrist? Was he for ‘us’ too?”
Alana/Maggie bit her lip and turned away dramatically, unable to face her accuser. “That one was…an accident.”
“An accident my eye,” Zip/Johnny said as he put his hand on Alana/Maggie’s chin and gently pushed her face towards his. “Now you see here, doll. You and I are calling it quits. It’s Oversville, baby. Population: You. We’re through, even. This screwy fling we’ve got going on is done and I don’t wanna hear another word about it, see?”
I took another sip. That old broad was birddogging me but good.
“Disgraceful,” she said. She tugged on the shoulder of the old man next to her. “Reginald! Reginald, do something about this brute at once!”
By the looks of Reginald, he’d been henpecked till there wasn’t much left. He was all skin and bones, nothing but a few tufts of gray hair on his head. A good, swift breeze could have knocked that old bastard over.
“Tell you what, Reggie baby,” I said. “Let’s ditch this witch and you and I will go get us some real lookers. Whaddya say?”
Reggie shrugged his shoulders and mulled it over. That came to an end when his wife whacked him a good one with her purse. She landed a good one too. Made a big “thunk” sound. Oh boy, if looks could kill old Reggie would have been a goner.
“Right away dear,” Reggie said with a resignation of defeat. Slowly, he rose to his knees and walked away.
“Lady, what’s your problem?” I asked.
“You should not be consuming illicit beverages in a public place,” the old bag said, huffily.
“Illicit beverages?” I asked. “It’s just a little bit of the old Red Eye, darlin.’”
That big mouthed lug in the back was at it again. “SHUT YER TRAP OR I’LL COME DOWN THERE AND SHUT IT FOR YA!”
“AWW, YOU AND WHAT ARMY?!” I hollered back.
Everything got quiet for awhile. Zip/Johnny had a black velvet bag in his hand. He opened it up, turned it over and dumped out some shiny hot rocks. Rubies. Sapphires. Diamonds. All kinds of bling. That’s a word you kids use, isn’t it?
“Do you deny that you stole the Duchess’ jewels?!” Johnny/Zip asked.
Silence.
“Answer me!” Johnny/Zip said.
Tears streamed from Maggie/Alana’s eyes. Actresses who can cry on cue are a hot commodity in Tinseltown. Always be wary of a broad who can turn the waterworks on and off at the drop of the hat. They won’t think twice about using that power on you.
“I do deny it! I do!” she cried. “A thousand times I do!”
“Then how did they get in your purse?” Johnny/Zip said.
Nothing.
Johnny/Zip stroked his hand through his hair, then grabbed the gal by the shoulders.
“Baby,” he said. “If you can look me in the eye right here, right now and promise me that you’re a one woman man from here on out then I can forget the past…”
“No you can’t,” I thought to myself. “Get outta showbiz, ya’ cheap hack, I’m not convinced at all.”
“I promise Johnny, oh I swear I do,” Alana/Lorna said.
“Good,” the so-called leading man said. “Now, just explain to me how those jewels ended up in your purse and we can put this whole mess behind us. We’ll run away and live happily ever after with a nice house, two kids, a picket fence and a car in the garage.”
“I…I can’t.”
“You can’t…or you…won’t?”
“Both,” Alana/Maggie said. “Please Johnny, just trust me.”
“I can forgive your dalliances, Maggie,” Zip/Johnny said. “But I could never marry a wanton criminal…”
Another hand on my shoulder. It belonged to a pimply faced usher. Couldn’t of been more than sixteen.
“Sir,” he said in a squeaky voice. “I have to ask you to live.”
“As soon as the show’s over, Jack,” I said. “I paid my dough like everybody else.”
“SHUT THAT DIRTY SO AND SO UP!” the big mouth in the back shouted.
“AWW, YOU’RE ALL WET!” I yelled back. Nothing like a good 1950’s insult.
“Please sir,” the usher said. “Alcohol isn’t allowed here.”
Here’s where I have to tell you that I’m not very pleasant when I’m drunk and I’m drunk most of the time ergo, I’m generally not a very pleasant person whatsoever.
“Why not?” I asked. “Last I checked this is America, son. Dwight D. Eisenhower’s running the show, not some lousy unwashed Stalinist Trotskyite commie. If a fella can’t enjoy a pull of the old Red Eye without a federal case being made out of it then we might as well lock the doors and turn the keys over to the pinkos lickity split and call it a night.”
The kid was baffled. “I…I don’t know sir but please leave. My manager says I have to call the cops if you don’t.”
“Call ‘em, kid,” I said. “This is about democracy now. What I do, I do for America.”
The usher stormed off. The emotional temperature in the room was definitely changing for the worse. The theater was full of hard working decent folk, people just trying to escape their hum drum lives for a couple of hours only to have it all spoiled by a drunk. That’s how they saw it anyway. I still blame that old bag.
Back to the movie.
“Maggie,” Zip/Johnny said. “Surely you realize that if the jewels were in your purse and you refuse to tell me who stole them then the only logical conclusion I can make is that you…”
“I’ve told you I didn’t take them!” Alana/Maggie interrupted. “If you love me then that should be good enough for you.”
With a great flourish, Zip/Johnny spun around and snapped his fingers. A contingent of coppers walked through the door.
And what a coincidence, a gaggle of coppers strolled down the aisle of the theater at the exact same time.
“Please Johnny, please!” shouted Alana/Maggie as she was put into cuffs. “Don’t let them take me away! DON’T YOU LOVE ME?”
“I’m sorry kid, but,” Zip/Johnny said. “Love is not enough.”
“BAH HA HA!” I laughed like an idiot. “He said the name of the movie!”
I knew all of the officers who came to collect me. Before I went out on my own as a private dick, I served with them on the LAPD. There was Renault. Simmons. Clement. The sergeant leading them was that Irish prick Declan O’Connell.
Oh, I apologize, 3.5 readers. I’m from the 1950’s and I’m working on my political correctness and cultural sensitivity skills so I can make a go of it in your time. What I meant to say was “O’Connell, that prick of Irish descent, but I’m not trying to say he was a prick due to his Irish ancestry but rather, he’d of been a prick no matter what country his parents hailed from.”
Red hair. Red beard. The man was practically a damn red haired werewolf he was so hairy.
“Shite, it’s you,” O’Connell said. Some people said “shite” back then. Folks from the old country, mostly.
“Howdy, Declan,” I said.
“Hello Dash,” O’Connell said. “Got a complaint of some horse’s arse ruining the picture show. Public drunkeness to boot.”
The exasperated crowd gave up on the movie. Everyone was watching me now.
“That’s terrible,” I said. “As a taxpayer, I demand you find that rapscallion posthaste.”
“Are you really gonna make us drag you outta here, boyo?” O’Connell asked.
“‘Fraid so.”
O’Connell nodded at his men.
“You can’t do this!” I shouted. “This is America! This is no way to treat a war hero!!!”
“War heroes are a dime a dozen around here, Dash,” O’Connell said. “Let’s go.”
Simmons grabbed my left arm, Clement my right. They lifted me up but I didn’t budge. Renault and O’Connell each grabbed a leg. Everyone in my row got up and moved to make way for the cops as they carried me out.
I screamed like a babbling idiot. “This is the work of the commies, I tell ya’! They’re coming and they’re just as scummy as the Nazis! When a man can’t even sneak a little bit of the good stuff without some old battle axe calling the brute squad then we’re all living in a police state!!!”
“Nothing more to see here, folks!” O’Connell said. “Enjoy the rest of your show.”
They carried me up the aisle. Everyone clapped and cheered.
Unfortunately for them, I’d seen that movie before. It wasn’t like today, where people have thousands of movies at their fingertips. Back then, you went to the picture house and saw either the first picture, the second picture or once in awhile, the third picture.
“IT WAS HER TWIN SISTER ALL ALONG!!!” I hollered. “SHE SLEPT WITH ALL THOSE MEN! SHE STOLE THE DUCHESS’ JEWELS! MAGGIE WAS JUST TAKING THE RAP BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T WANT HER SISTER TO WIND UP IN THE SLAMMER!”
The audience let loose with a resounding “BOOOO!!!” then pelted me with popcorn boxes and candy wrappers.
“You always had a way with people, Dash,” O’Connell said.
“I try,” I replied.
“WAIT!” the big mouth in the back yelled.
“WHAT?!” I screamed as my head just barely avoided slapping into each step as the cops drew closer to the door.
“WHAT ABOUT THE PODIATRIST?!” the big mouth screamed.
“IT WAS DARK AND HE PRETENDED TO BE JOHNNY!” I screamed back. “IT REALLY WAS AN ACCIDENT! NOT HER FAULT AT ALL!”
Another “Booo!” from the audience as the fuzz carried me out the door. They walked through the lobby, lugging me all the way.
“You know Dash, I don’t blame you for hitting the sauce after what you did but do it at home, all right? I don’t feel like dragging your fat arse all over creation again.”
“Does everyone hate me?” I inquired.
“Of course,” Dashing said. “You got a bunch of your former fellow officers killed and a bunch more are headed to the stoney lonesome on corruption charges. But at least you get to be the big man that took Mugsy McGillicuddy down. Was it worth losing every friend on the force you ever had?”
“I haven’t decided yet,” I said as I looked up at the fellas carrying me. “But then again I never had much use for friends anyway. Do you hate me too, O’Connell?”
“Not as such but my goal in life has always been to keep my head down and my nose out of places it doesn’t belong, lad,” O’Connell said. “I wish you’d done the same.”
“But I made LA better, didn’t I?” I asked.
“Sure,” O’Connell said. “For about five minutes…until the next snake in the grass rears its ugly head to service the public’s illegal addictions.”
“You have that little faith in people?” I asked.
“You don’t?” O’Connell answered.
“Touche.”
The boys took me outside. It was warm, but not stifling. There was a nice breeze in the air.
“Ready, boyo?” O’Connell asked.
“Ready when you are, ya’ Irish prick,” I said.
Don’t be scandalized, 3.5 readers. Back then, O’Connell would have been completely befuddled had I said, “Ready when you are, you prick who happens to be Irish though your Irish ancestry is not the direct cause of your prickosity.”
The boys swung me back and forth like I was lying in an imaginary hammock then let me loose on the third swing, sending me sailing through the air only to land six feet away on the pavement.
“AND STAY OUT!” O’Connell shouted.
Don’t worry about me. My face broke my fall. I wasn’t using it for much anyway.
There were no lightsabers in this one but it still had Tina and Amy in plenty of compromising positions.
BQB here with a review of Sisters.
Obligatory SPOILER warning.
This movie follows that great tradition of “kids throw a house party that goes wildly out of control and end up in big trouble with their parents” movies before it.
The twist? These kids are in their forties. Yup. “The Greatest Generation” is gone and kids doing dumb things well into adulthood is the new norm for a lot of people.
Throwing a wild house party as an adult. Sheesh. That’s almost as irresponsible as being an adult who blogs about nerdy stuff for the benefit of 3.5 readers.
Amy (Maura) is the always reliable, super dependable big sister. Kate (Tina) is the wild and wacky little sister. As teenagers, the Ellis sisters threw “Ellis Island” parties whenever their parents weren’t around.
That all changes when Mom (Dianne Wiest) and Dad (James Brolin) sell the family home so they can downsize to a condo.
The sisters are told to clean out their childhood rooms over the weekend and don’t mess up the house as the buyers will be taking it over on Monday.
Naturally, they throw one last house party instead.
Problem? All their old high school friends are in their forties now too. They’re all lame party poopers with worries about kids, jobs, life etc.
Without giving too much away, the sisters kick the party into gear but once it starts it doesn’t stop and the house, their relationship with their parents, and Kate’s relationship with her teenage daughter (who’s wondering when her mother will grow up) all end up on the line.
It’s laugh out loud funny as the ladies engage in all kinds of rude, crude and socially unacceptable activities. A bevy of comedians take on roles as the various unruly guests.
It’s a lot of fun. Obviously, go see Star Wars first. But then go see this.
STATUS: Shelf worthy.
Hey nerds. Do you know once in awhile I actually bump into someone who has never seen any of the Star Wars movies? That’s not even a joke. I always assume they are a communist spy or something.
For those of you who want to see The Force Awakens but have yet to see the previous films, here’s a brief synopsis.
Episode 4 was made first because George Lucas didn’t know how to count. Luke Skywalker, a farm boy from the desert (how that works I don’t know) is recruited by an elderly shut-in, Obi Wan Kenobi, to overthrow the government, “the Empire” in the name of ancient religion practiced by an order of monk-ninjas known as “the Jedi.”
Obi Wan is a master of “the Force” which sounds very mystical but really just means he can throw shit around in the air and pull it to him as needed. He teaches Luke how to throw shit around in the air and pull it to him as needed as well.
Luke and Obi Wan, without conveyance of their own, secure transportation from a space criminal, Han Solo and his dog man sidekick, Chewbacca. Together, they run a contraband smuggling operation, though they are not very good at it, because they had to dump some shit to avoid detection, costing their client, an obese space slug/gangster, Jabba the Hutt, a lot of money.
Darth Vader is a handicapped man who despite his debilitating injuries, refuses to allow his ill health to get in the way of getting up in the morning and doing his job. He puts on his full body respirator suit every day then goes about his business, looking for no special treatment. Truly, he is an inspiration to all.
Vader is second in command to the Emperor. They are Sith Lords, practitioners of the Dark Side of the Force, which basically means they throw shit around in the air and pull it to them as needed, but they do it for evil purposes.
The old man, the farm boy, the space criminal and dog side kick free Princess Leia, a key supporter of the Rebel Alliance, a group that has sworn to free the galaxy from the clutches of the Empire, though honestly, will they rule any better? Sometimes these rebels grab hold of power and are worse than the regime they replaced, you know.
Luke then teams up a squadron of X-Wing fighters, essentially outer space fighter pilots. The Empire has a weapon called the Death Star. It’s an enormous star sized base that has the ability to blow up a planet. It works. Ask Leia’s adopted family back on Alderaan. Oh wait. You can’t. They’ve been blown up.
Luke fires some proton torpedoes through a poorly secured vent, most likely installed by a sub par contractor who assured Vader, “Ahhh fahgeddaboudit, of course all this shit’s secure. Stop worrying and pay me already, will ya?”
And then everyone celebrates and gets medals and shit.
Next time, I will explain Episode 5 – The Empire Strikes Back.
Hey geeks, nerds, dweebs, and assorted poindexters totaling 3.5.
BQB here, freshly returned from seeing Episode 7.
This is a short review. There will be some light spoilers. I’m going to give it awhile before I get around to a full, in-depth review, what with everyone trying to avoid spoilers and all.
But, I will give some stuff away so if you’re super into no spoilers then be warned of SPOILERS!!!
In short…I loved it. JJ and Co. did a great job. In many ways, it felt like the Star Wars of old circa 1977-1983, but updated with modern graphics and tech. Homage paid to those films in a believable way, not a jokey, silly way.
I missed A New Hope and Empire Strikes Back in theaters, but did see Return of the Jedi in the theater as a tiny tot. As a young man, I loved the prequels mostly because it just seemed awesome to see Jedis on screen again.
As I got older, I realized that the prequels were more or less excellently rendered cartoons with people in them. CGI graphics were at the height of their popularity so Lucas and Co. tossed as much on the screen as possible.
CGI is awesome but when overused, the movie becomes less live action and more cartoon. I think JJ and friends got that and gave us a perfect blend of CGI and reality.
It was true to plot, characters…it did make me feel old. Those actors who played the heroes I loved and admired as that tiny tot watching Return of the Jedi in the movie theater are getting up there and are on their way to becoming one with the Force.
I suppose that’s just the “circle of life” to quote the Lion King, but I swear I feel like it was just yesterday that I was that little kid watching Luke as the Jedi in black and Leia strangling the shit out of Jabba in her slave outfit.
Come to think of it, maybe that’s why I’m so weird. My parents took me to see a movie in which a scantily clad woman strangled an obese space slug with a chain.
Anyway…I’m not sure I understand the political workings of the Resistance vs. The First Order and how the Republic acts as a government in the middle. If someone wants to explain that, I’m all ears.
Though I appreciate JJ understood viewers weren’t looking for a big explanation of the politics, unlike George Lucas, who turned half of those prequels into CGI alien C-Span what with them debating in the galactic senate and all.
One weird thing had nothing to do with the movie. I went to see it at my local theater. Its a pretty decent theater. Its not a run down dump or anything, fairly new but not like a really awesome theater with mega screens and stadium seating, recliners and gourmet popcorn and crap.
Oddly, there was barely anyone in the theater. I actually went out this afternoon to buy my ticket for an evening showing so I’d be sure to get a ticket and I got there early to get a good seat and it was weird – there were plenty of seats. I never had to do anything special. Could have walked right in.
I wonder about that. I doubt it has anything to do with the movie. I’m wondering a) maybe everyone loved it so much they made the trek to bigger, badasser theaters nearby or b) maybe everyone bought into the “buy your tickets online or you’ll never get into the madhouse opening weekend!” and stayed away. I hope it wasn’t the latter.
Good stuff. Enjoyable. A+
Go see it and when I get a chance to gather my thoughts I’ll write more.
May the force be with you, nerds.
OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
Hey there, 3.5 readers. Due to some fancy footwork I, Bookshelf Q. Battler, was able to attend an advanced screening of the movie every sci-fi nerd has been dying to see and I can’t contain myself any longer!
SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS!
OK. You’ve been warned. May the force be with you if you read further.
OK, here we go. Sorry about that. I calmed down. I’m fine now.
Our story begins with Rey, a young junk trader who happens upon the wrecked hull of an old, crashed star destroyer. Carefully, and with the assistance of her trusty companion BB-8, she lowers herself into the belly of the ship to look around and see if there’s anything she can scavenge.
Oh, what does she find? Oh it’s so amazing. I don’t think I will spoil it for you just yet. I want your jaw to drop when you see it. Go see it then come back here and tell me about it.
BUT – a contingent of stormtroopers patrolling the area want it too and Rey has to beat feet out of there. Poor little BB-8 can barely keep up. He beeps and boops a number of complaints on the way out.
All seems doomed until….HOORAY!!!! Han Solo and Chewbacca, now in their advanced age, happen to be flying by in the Millennium Falcon after getting into some mischief and they blast the shit out of the storm troopers and save Rey.
Han’s all like, “Well I hope there’s a good reason why I stuck my neck out for you kid.”
And Rey shows Han and Chewie the artifact that she’s found. Chewie goes bonkers and wants no part of this (which he communicates through a series of growls that Han translates) but Han talks him into helping out.
Han explains to Rey that the only man that can help them now is Luke Skywalker, who we learn has been ex-communicated from the Jedi order because…
Oh geez. Should I tell you? It’s really a big spoiler. In fact, it was a very bold decision by Disney if you ask me.
Luke Skywalker is a) gay and b) has married a male alien, Fazli Sekpo (sorry, I’m not sure if I’m spelling that right. Fazli is a Kweloni, a humanoid race with yellow scales and a permanently furrowed brow. I don’t know if Fazli is just angry all the time or if that’s just what Kwelonis look like.
I can tell you this is a movie that could not have been made ten years ago but due to our socially progressive modern society, we can accept the fact that Luke is homosexual but still remains our trusty, beloved hero after all of these years.
I discussed this choice with my friends on the way home. Everyone was cool with Luke being gay. That wasn’t a problem. We were divided on whether or not it was ok to be with someone outside of your species though.
One buddy of mine declared “that’s totally bestiality!” and I was like, well, no, Fazli is a sentient, intelligent being so why would it be wrong to have a relationship with a being like that?
And then he was all like, “Well if my dog started talking I wouldn’t marry him!”
And then I was like, “Fazli’s a bit more advanced than your dog, you closed minded caveman!”
Then we both apologized. But I tell you just from what I see on social media, a lot of people are having this same argument. People are going to be talking about it a long time.
Personally, I think that sucks that Luke was kicked out of the Jedi order for being with the man he loves. The Jedis say it wasn’t for that. You just aren’t allowed to marry anyone as a Jedi. Love interferes with your Jedi training. Anakin wasn’t allowed to marry Amidala after all. Are the Jedis on the level or are they anti gay rights? I don’t know.
There is a theory that we might find out Fazli is actually a woman in a future movie. We may just not understand what that particular alien race is like and maybe we assume certain things that Fazli does make him a man when he’s actually a woman. There were some hints at that. I don’t think so. But we’ll see.
OK. Moving on. That wasn’t even the biggest controversy. So Captain Phasma is pissed. Totally pissed that her storm troopers lost Rey. So she sends a squad after Rey, but Finn, a storm trooper, has second thoughts and bails out the mission.
He doesn’t want to be a storm trooper anymore. He’s felt this way a long time. He has been able to do odd things since he was a child. Move things with his hand and so on. He kept it to himself. He grew up on a planet run by Empire holdouts (led by the dastardly Kylo Ren) and they’ve declared anyone with Jedi like abilities will be executed, so Finn always kept his abilities to himself.
But no longer. He can’t allow a woman his age to become storm trooper blast fodder. So he tracks down Rey, Han and Chewie and Luke and they get together and plan out their next move.
They are summoned by Princess Leia Organa, now Queen Leia. You see, she was chosen by the good beings of Naboo to hold the throne her mother once held.
It was a split decision between the humans and the gungans. Jar Jar makes a brief cameo as the deciding vote in Leia’s favor. Everyone booed and screamed and threw popcorn and tomatoes and shit at the screen.
Leia is married to Lando Calrissian now and Billy Dee Williams looks good for a dude pushing 80. He cheats on Leia often with hot green space babes though, and Leia misses Han.
Han misses Leia too and they agree that if they get through this ordeal alive, that Leia will divorce Lando and marry Han. Chewie will officiate, having been an ordained minister for years.
C3P0 and R2D2 are the surprise villains of this flick. They’re tired of being the comic relief for six f$%king movies and want in on the real action. So they give up the Falcon’s location to Kylo Ren, who calls Captain Phasma in to blow all the heroes up and that is it.
That’s how it ends. With every character from Star Wars you ever loved being totally dead. The only one left is Jar Jar, who dawns Darth Vader’s mask (the item Rey found in the beginning) and pledges to finish what Darth started. Jar Jar and “Ani” were old pod racing buddies after all.
Jesus, you read this far? You’re very dedicated. OK. Admission. This is all made up and I did not see the movie at all. I hope to soon. And they should adopt this post as the script for the sequel.
This is a great picture that Carrie Fisher (Princess Leia) tweeted, isn’t it, 3.5 readers?
Jeeze Carrie, tell us how you really feel about Jabba.
https://twitter.com/carrieffisher/status/674739723093454848/photo/1?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
Game of Thrones has introduced us to the possibility that despite our hatred of one side or the other, it is possible to come to a realization of how that side came to be.
Case in point. Jaime Lannister. He’s smarmy. Arrogant. But he did kill the original king. It earned him mockery in the form of the “Kingslayer” nickname, though no one cared enough to not participate in the subsequent takeover of the kingdom. He saved the day, but the people he saved it for hate him. Its tough not to be jaded.
So my hunch is things will become less clear than light vs. dark sides of the Force. Each side will have their own reasoning for fighting. Naturally, we get behind Han and Chewie et. al, but we’ll get why the bad guys do what they do, how they were driven to it.
And while I’d be very surprised if JJ Abrams breaks our hearts and turns Luke Skywalker into a villain, a climate in which audiences seek out motivations as to why villains do what they do does make a Skywalker villain more possible than ever.
I hope it doesn’t happen. I’d be very surprised.
Also, it is entirely possible this film will be just three hours of Jar Jar Binks reading a dictionary.
An aging boxer and his young protege, the son of his former friend/rival….
TRAVEL TO RUSSIA TO BEAT THE EVER LOVING SHIT OUT OF THAT DIRTY ROTTEN SOVIET COMMIE IVAN DRAGO AS PAYBACK FOR KILLING APOLLO IN ROCKY IV! USA! USA! USA!
OK. So that wasn’t the plot. But it really should have been. Totally would have been had I written it. Maybe that’s why Sly never takes my calls.
Bookshelf Q. Battler here with a review of Creed.
SPOILERS AHEAD.
When it comes to the seventh installment of a film series chronicling the lives of people who beat the crap out of each other, “good writing” is a phrase you’d think would not come to mind.
You’d be wrong. Stallone has done it again.
When Rocky Balboa came out in 2006, I thought Stallone was scraping the bottom of the barrel then. But then I watched it. Rocky’s challenge in that film wasn’t to win, it was just to stay alive as an old timer in the ring for one last go around.
In that movie, he delivered a speech to his son that sums up the whole series, i.e. “life will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.”
Rocky’s always been about trying. Yoda said “Do or do not, there is no try.” Rocky said, “Try.” Shut up Yoda.
Anyway, move forward nine years, I thought Stallone was REALLY reaching by putting out yet another film but low and behold, he’s done it again.
THE SETUP: Adonis Johnson aka Adonis Creed is the illegitimate son of famous boxing legend Apollo Creed (Carl Weathers, who you might also remember as the only tough guy in Predator who didn’t go on to become a state governor).
He grew up in two separate worlds. After his mother’s death, he ended up on the streets, scrapping with the other boys and landing himself in juvenile detention.
Enter Apollo’s wife, Mary Anne (played by Phylicia Rashad – Mrs. Huxtable in a movie!) who out of the kindness of her heart, adopts Adonis, even though he’s the product of her late husband’s extramarital hi jinx.
But you can’t dump on Apollo too much for not being there for Adonis. Fans of the series know that in Rocky IV, Apollo died at the hands of that roid raging commie Ivan Drago, but Goddamnit, he died for America. He died so Rocky could challenge Drago to a rematch and win in the name of capitalism. Suck it, Soviets.
That was the last movie I remember Brigitte Nielsen being hot in, come to think of it.
Anyway, Adonis then moves on to the good life with Mary Anne, who lives in a mansion because unlike that dumbass Rocky, she didn’t let a degenerate moron like Pauly manage her family’s finances. God you suck, Pauly.
All this leads to Adonis being very confused. He wants to step out of the shadow of a famous father he never knew. He wants to prove himself. Be his own man. He avoids using Creed’s name.
He wants to be a boxer but no one will train him…because he doesn’t HAVE to be a boxer. Boxing, as various people tell him, is a sport for people who don’t have any other shot at the good life. Adonis has a wealthy benefactor mother. He doesn’t need to get his face punched for a living.
Or does he? Financially, he doesn’t. Mentally, he does. He wants glory and thus he journeys to Philly and pesters elderly Rocky to become his Mickey..err, manager.
But it’s not easy to make it as a Creed. Whatever success Adonis finds, people attribute it to a father he never knew. And there are people who want to take advantage of his famous last name. All the while, there are people who accuse him of coming from privilege which he views as unfair. Mary Anne may have saved him, but he never lost the hunger of a kid growing up on the streets.
There’s even a subplot in which Adonis falls in love with a female musician with progressive hearing loss…i.e. she’s trying to become a famous singer before she can’t hear herself sing anymore. Stop! Stop! I can’t handle all this sadness!
It was great. It really was. Stallone has gone to the well twice now in a series that by all rights, jumped the shark in Rocky 5 (the one where Rocky has a street fight with ‘Tommy Gunn.'” Boo! Worst Rocky ever!
Michael B. Jordan proves his acting chops. I’d like to see more from Tessa Thompson, who plays Adonis’ girlfriend.
I will say this. If its the last film in the Rocky series, its a worthy ending. If it isn’t, I have no clue where Rocky could go from here, though I really feel that my “Rocky and Adonis go to Russia to beat the shit out of elderly Ivan Drago” could be a worthy contender.
Have your people call my people, Sly. I’ll totally write that screenplay for you.
Bookshelf Battle 