Tag Archives: national talk like a pirate week

Sep 18 2015
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National Talk Like a Pirate Week

How to Talk Like a Pirate #5 – Idle Chatter

By:  Special Guest Pirate Parrot Polly

Polly the Pirate Parrot

Polly the Pirate Parrot

BAWK!  Shiver me timbers!  Have ye ever been around a bunch of salty sea dogs that ye got nothin’ in common with, but the urge to fill the creepy silence beckons?

So what do ye do?  Engage in useless chatter, aye?

ARRR mateys, fer the price of one cracker, I’ll educate ye spineless jellyfish on how to talk when tharrr’s nothin to talk about.

Sesame seed preferred.  Arr.

TRANSLATION #1

Lovely weather we’re having.

Avast!  The sun lies on its belly across the sky, nary a desire to rise and scorch our hides or hide and chill our bones!

TRANSLATION #2

How’s about that local sports team?

Arrr matey!  Did ye observe yon ridiculously paid mercenaries earn their gold by delivering a ball from one side of the deck to the other?  And they call US pirates!  YARRR!

TRANSLATION #3

How are you?

Arr.  Why would you give the backside of a smelly barnacle?  An inquiry into another’s feelings has no translation in the pirate’s tongue.  ARRR.

TRANSLATION #4

Can I offer you a drink?

Ahoy matey!  What manner of grog do ye wish to toss down ye nasty gullet to wash the horrid memories of your vile misdeeds from your odious soul?

TRANSLATION #5

Ummm….

ARRRR!!!!

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Sep 16 2015
3 Comments
National Talk Like a Pirate Week

How to Talk Like a Pirate #4 – Driving

One Eyed Dan

One Eyed Dan

By:  Special Guest Pirate, One Eyed Dan

Aye, 3.5 readers.  Lost me eye I did to a rambunctious thief in a Jamaican port when he tried to come between me and me gold.  He got me peeper he sure did but I got his life when I ran him through the belly and left him in the street to die like the lowly dog that he was.

The locals tell me it took the scoundrel three days to bleed out and serves him right it did.

I hear ye be on a voyage.  Allow me to translate so that ye can travel in style like a true pirate.

TRANSLATION #1

Which way is the gas station?

Avast ye wretched animal!  Require provisions I do so point out a reputable mercantile at once or I’ll beat ye about the brow with yer own entrails.

TRANSLATION #2

It’s over there.

Land ho!  Follow the North Star for it shines bright and it shines true!  Raise the sail and onward ho for three settings of the sun stand between us and the next port!

TRANSLATION #3

Oh no.  I have a flat tire.

YARRRR!  Whoever be in charge of battening down the hatches, report to  the poop deck and stick thine filthy head in a noose for you’ve failed your crew with your treachery and given us all a death sentence as this vessel shall surely take on water until we’re all no more!

TRANSLATION #4

Hey!  You cut me off!

Ahoy ye nasty jackanape!  These high seas be the territory of Capt. Deathbeard and Capt. Deathbeard alone!  Ready the cannons, lads, and fill that scally wag’s ship full of more holes than Smelly Pants Jim’s under britches!

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Sep 15 2015
4 Comments
National Talk Like a Pirate Week

How to Talk Like a Pirate #3 – Babysitting

Smelly Pants Jim

Smelly Pants Jim

By:  Special Guest Pirate, Smelly Pants Jim

Land ho, 3.5 readers.  Smelly Pants Jim be the moniker I be saddled with fer the last time my festooned pantaloons were laundered it was by a saucy maiden on the Isle of Tortuga ten years past.

Trust not just anyone with me fancy pants and they’ll never see the inside of a wash barrel again unless its toted by the same sweet lass that won me heart so many moons ago.  Some day I will retire from piracy, find her, and make her mine.

Stuck at home with the wee urchins, are ye?  I’ll translate fer ye and help turn family time into pirate time.  Yarr.

TRANSLATION #1

Billy, stop bothering your sister!

Ahoy, yon Billy.  Fancy making a shambles of yer kin’s life do ye?  Cease this madness or else its to the grimey, brimey depths of Davey Jones’ locker with ye, a place where dead men tell no tales and even demons dare not tread.

TRANSLATION #2 

Finish your broccoli.

Shut up tight I was in the bellows of Captain Deathbeard’s ship on a far flung jaunt across uncharted waters all the way to the furthest points of the Orient, the sights and sounds of which a boy like you coulds’t nary dare imagine.  Deprived of sustenance I was for a dozen nights for the galley’s wares had turned gangrenous and foul.  Upon reaching land, offered I was a sprig of a green leafy vegetable, given me by the hand of a bare chested native wench.  Took it I did and devoured it giddily for sure, for beggars cannot be choosers, lad.

TRANSLATION #3

Do your homework.

Aye, read a book I once did.  ‘Twas a tale of swashbuckling sword play, damsels in distress and all manner of villainy.  Learn ye your letters lest ye end up dumber than a red assed baboon’s backside.

TRANSLATION #4

Do your chores.

YARRRR!  Swab the deck and bring the planks to a fine shine till I can spot me face in them, boy.  Batten down the hatches, trim the main sail, empty the slop buckets, scrub the galley, rub the bunions on me feet and take ye five minutes of shut eye before we do it all again in the bright and early morn.

TRANSLATION #5

You want to sing a song?  OK.  “Do you want to build a snowman?”

Song?  Aye.

Sixteen skulls sat in a row and to the deep all the bodies did go!

Food for sharks and sea creatures too.

The King’s Royal Navy be octopus poo!

So pour me an ale and to the tropics we’ll sail!

To a place where it’s warm and bright!

Pour me an ale and to the tropics we’ll sail!

Unless death lays a hand on me shoulder tonight!

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Sep 14 2015
2 Comments
National Talk Like a Pirate Week

How to Talk Like a Pirate #2 – At a Restaurant

Mr. Fitzhume

Mr. Fitzhume

By Special Guest Pirate, Mr. Fitzhume

Ahoy, 3.5 readers.  Capt. Deathbeard’s trusty first mate, Mr. Fitzhume, I is.

Find yeself in a tavern, do ye?  Whether ye be a peasant slavin’ away in the galley or one of the fancy folk at the tables, I’ll tell ye how to talk like a pirate when yer in the grub house I will.

TRANSLATION #1

Welcome to Flanagan’s.  May I take your order?

YARR!  What slop doth ye want to shove in ye filthy hole?!  Speak up and make haste or its off to the gallows with an empty belly with ye!

TRANSLATION #2

We’re going to start with the Wacky Wings and Skins Sampler and I’ll have the Surf and Turf Combo platter and a Cherry Coke to drink.

Bring me pig meat and grog, wench!  And tell the cookie if he fails to satisfy me I’ll slit him open from stem to stern with a rusty razor!

TRANSLATION #3

I’d like my steak well done.

Yarrr.  Stoke the fire with a thousand pieces of coal.  Fan the flames until they reach the sky and make an inferno unfit for the devil himself.  Only then will ye deliver mine meat to the blaze and retrieve it not until its blacker than the miserable heart of Captain Deathbeard himself.

TRANSLATION #4

I’d like my steak rare.

Blood is what I’m after.  The blood of mine enemies.  The blood of mine pirates.  It all becomes one giant red mess in mine eyes when you’ve roamed the ocean for as long as I have.  Bring me the bloodiest meat ye have and make sure a fresh trickle of crimson flows from the beast’s veins.

TRANSLATION #5

I’m sorry.  I think there’s been a mistake.  This isn’t what I asked for.

Avast, ye scurvy dog!  Bring me the cookie and tell him to say his prayers for he’ll surely be shark chum tonight and meet his maker by the early morn!

TRANSLATION #6

Check please.

Yarrr, how many pieces o’eight want ye fer this dirty excuse of a meal that will no doubt linger in the grim reaches of my belly until St. Peter turns me away at the pearly gates?

TRANSLATION #7

Here’s the check.  No need to rush.  I’ll take it whenever your ready.

ARRRRR!  Remove ye cursed hides from yon seats ye lousy sacks of sting ray testicles!  Yon seats be fer customers with britches brimming with gold pence only!  Away with ye and forget ye where ever here!

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