Tag Archives: pirates

Thar Advice Blows with Captain Deathbeard – My Coworker Steals My Lunches

By: Captain Deathbeard, Special Guest Pirate

Capt. Deathbeard

Arr!  Avast, yon lily livered 3.5 bilge rats!  Captain Deathbeard am I and weary am I as I just pulled me vessel into the Isle of Tortuga, only for a local wench to fetch me a bottle with this message inside:

Dear Captain Deathbeard,

I work in a mid-size office with approximately 25 other co-workers.  For the most part, we all get along well.  Everyone is kind, courteous, polite and in general, we all care about providing a safe and comfortable work environment.

However, there is one person who has become a problem.  Every day, I go through the effort of packing myself a lunch.  You see, I struggle with my weight and I want to know exactly how many calories are in my food.  So, I get up early, pack just the right amount and bring it to work so I don’t fall into the trap of leaving the office for fast food or take out.  A moment on the lips and a lifetime on the hips, am I right?

Anyhoodles, for the past three weeks, Karen from accounting has been stealing my lunches.  I confronted her about this in the break room.  I pointed out that she was eating out of a Tupperware container with my name on it and she said that I’m wrong and that also Karen is just her nickname and her real name is also my name and that we share the same name. I don’t think this is true.  Also, she was eating the same things that I distinctly remember packing.

I want my plan to bring lunch to work to be a success, but I’m tired of going through all the effort only to have Karen steal the efforts of my labors.  I’m thinking about going to HR with a complaint, but I don’t want to be a tattle tale.  Should I file a formal complaint?  Maybe I should just give up on bringing my own lunches and eat out.  What should I do?


Frustrated in Jacksonville

Arr!  Ahoy yon Frustrated!  Ye sound like a lovely lass and were it not for the raging syphilis coursing through me longsword, I’d batten down yer hatches and keel yer haul till the day Davey Jones’ locker is opened, yo ho yo ho.

But admittedly, yar, I agree that ye be needin’ to skip the rich grub that be offered in the local taverns and bring ye own sustenance from yer cabin yerself.  Arrr, I been doin’ all manner of misdeeds and mischief for many a dark night, so I have no cause to judge ye with the watchful eye of the devil’s boatman, but I peeled me eyes at the picture of yeself that ye enclosed in yon letter and me first reaction was, “Arrr!  Whale off the starboard bow!  Grab the spears and throw them posthaste!  May the creator guide our throwin’ hands steadfast and true, yar!”

But then I realized ye were a human and not a whale.  A shame, most certain, for ambergris fetches a pretty penny in the perfurmery market.  Arrr, women do enjoy any opportunity to smell like the bile of a wretched sea monster, yar yar yar.

Frustrated, tis up to thee and all men and wenches must make their own minds in this life but I say if ye ever wish fer any sort of reputable gentleman to make merry with your fetid lady cave, then heed me warnin’ – ye must lose yon lard and ye must pack thine own vittles.

Avast! Gather round the lantern and look into me eyes, the eyes that have seen certain doom and lived to tell the tale.  Know what I say next to ye is true.  Arr, yon Frustrated, ye must get in Karen from accounting’s face and spin the yarn below thusly:

“Arr, yon Karen from accounting!  Vile, despicable hag witch that ye are, remove thine skeletal fingers from me provisions and hang ye head low for thine treachery!  Art thou daft, wench, to not surmise that we be part and parcel of a kindred crew, that we be all aboard the same boat, and when ye sabotage mine efforts to not bear a likeness to a great whale, ye not only do me harm but harm to thine self, for if I fail then yon mid-size office fails and if that fails then ye fail!”

Yar, barring that, I’d advise to rattle a sharp saber in the hag’s general direction, threaten her profusely and perhaps take her family hostage aboard thine ship, making yon Karen aware that her kith and kin will only be returned if yon lunch is returned safely or, if yon lunch already has bite marks, then only when yon Karen provides an alternative lunch of equal value.

Arrr, but I hear for the purposes of the laws of man that I cannot advise ye thusly and only kind words of reason will do.  Arr, ridiculous as I always let me cutlass do me talkin’ fer me, but I suppose ye live in a strange age when women run the show, yar.

Ahoy, Frustrated!  A final thought.  Have ye considered buryin’ thine lunch?  Simply pack ye baloney sandwiches and apple slices into a wooden crate, locked with a lock forged from iron and adorned with a skull and cross bones.

Dig a hole so deep that it leads ye to fear that ye might come out in the Orient if ye were to dig any further.  Arr!  Blast ye, yon PC hipsters! ‘Tis but a trifle for me to say, “Orient” fer I be from the 1600s, mateys.  Arr.

Bury ye lunch and be sure to mark its location on a map with an X.  When ye are ready to feast on the innards of ye store bought yogurt cup, fetch thine shovel and obtain thine delicious reward.

Arr, just don’t let ye map fall into the wrong hands…and especially keep it away from that bitch Karen, arr.

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Thar Advice Blows

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Hey 3.5 readers.

You might remember that in September of 2015, this blog was taken over by pirates who turned National Talk Like a Pirate Day into Talk Like a Pirate Week.  All week long, they posted about piracy.

Honestly, if you remember that, I’m worried about you.

Anyway, I’ve invited the pirates back for their very own advice column, because that makes sense.

Enjoy, mateys.

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Top Ten Quotes from “Treasure Island” by Robert Louis Stevenson


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#1 – “It was Silver’s voice, and before I had heard a dozen words, I would not have shown myself for all the world. I lay there, trembling and listening, in the extreme of fear and curiostiy, for, in those dozen words, I understood that the lives of all the honest men aboard depended on me alone.”

#2 – “You’re either my ship’s cook-and then you were treated handsome-or Cap’n Silver, a common mutineer and pirate, and then you can go hang!”

#3 – “Sir, with no intention to take offence, I deny your right to put words into my mouth.”

#4 – “There’s never been a man looked me between the eyes and seen a good day afterward.”

#5 – “Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.”

#6 – “If you keep on drinking rum, the world will soon be quit of a very dirty scoundrel!”

#7 – “Before an hour’s out, I’ll stove in your old block house like a rum puncheon. Laugh, by thunder. laugh! Before an hour’s out, ye’ll laugh upon the other side. Them that die’ll be the lucky ones.”

#8 – “We must go on, because we can’t turn back.”

#9 – “It was high time, for I now began to be tortured with thirst. The glow of the sun from above, its thousandfold reflection from the waves, the sea-water that fell and dried upon me, caking my very lips with salt, combined to make my throat burn and my brain ache.”

#10 – “And altogether I paid pretty dear for my monthly fourpenny piece, in the shape of these abominable fancies.”

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Movie Review – Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017)

Arr!  Avast ye scurvy 3.5 readers.  Trim the main sail and batten down the hatches, fer it’s off to Davey Jones’ locker with ye, arr arr, yo ho ho and a bottle of rum and so forth, arr!

BQB here with a review of Pirates of the Caribbean:  Dead Men Tell No Tales.

3.5 readers, it feels like it was just yesterday when the first Disney Pirate film came out.  The year was 2003 and I was a young man, filled with vim and vigor and a head full of crazy ideas like “life is fair” and “good things happen to good people” and “the world is a great place” and “hard work always earns a just reward and so on.”

We hadn’t yet entered into the whole “reboot” nonsense, yet sequels were still prevalent, and even then Hollywood was often lampooned for a lack of originality.  Even in those days, if one type of film scored big, then you’d soon see a hundred more films just like it.

I didn’t expect much out of that movie.  It was, after all, named after a ride at Disney World, and if video game movies always sucked then a ride based movie would surely suck.

But suck, it did not.  It was an original, creative, fun adventure that propelled Johnny Depp into super stardom with his ingenious take on pirate Jack Sparrow.  Pirates were the rock stars of their day, Depp would opine, and so with a Keith Richards impression, a blockbuster movie franchise was born.

The second and third films were fun, though for me, it was hard to recapture the first film.  It was a time in my life when I felt inspired and I was seeing a film that was inspiring.

The series carried on sans Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) and Elizabeth Swan (Keira Knightley), the lovebirds that were inevitably being saved by or were saving Jack.  2011’s On Stranger Tides was, to me, an OK film, but somewhat forgettable.  Other than Salma Hayek was in it, I couldn’t really tell you what it was about.

This go around, the stakes are raised and Disney apparently felt a need to bring their A game to keep the profitable franchise afloat.  Disney makes mad, crazy cash off these pirates, not just with park rides but also with Disney Cruises featuring “pirate night” where pirates take over the cruise liner and Jack Sparrow saves the day.  Thus, these pirate movies will be milked for all they are worth and then some.

In this, the fifth film of the series, young Henry Turner, son of Elizabeth and Will, seeks to remove a curse from his father’s head.  To do it, he’ll need the legendary trident of Poseidon, Greek God of the Sea, but naturally, he’ll have to team of with Jack Sparrow to lead the way.

Throw in Henry’s love interest Carina Smyth (Kaya Scodelario), a plucky young lady scientist whose intelligence is often seen as a sign of witchcraft by the film’s non-stop avalanche of dullards, villains Captain Salazar (Javier Bardem as a ghostly undead pirate) and fan favorite Hector Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) and you’ve got a worthy film that’s a fun ride and will definitely keep audiences interested in as many sequels as Disney deems necessary to dish out.

Still, as I sat there watching it, I yearned for 2003, a time long gone by, a time where the world had yet to say no to just about every last hope and dream I had, and watch that original film – a new kind of adventure the likes of which had yet to be seen on screen, as seen through the eyes of a person who still believed in the general goodness of the world.

Sorry to sound like a bummer.  The good news though is that as I looked around the theater, I saw wonder in the eyes of younger viewers, the same wonder I once had.

I guess the good news is that every time a flame in someone’s heart burns out, another flame is lit in someone else’s heart somewhere else.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  Worth a trip to the theater. I do miss Will and Elizabeth though as they were key to the original films’ success.  I don’t want to give it away, but the movie left me with some hope that those two might return in the inevitable sixth installment.  I hope I’m not wrong.

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Top Ten Things Your Girlfriend Might Say to You if She Were a Pirate

Ahoy mateys.


Yup.  There’s a joke about pirate booty to made here.

Last September, a band of pirates took over bookshelfbattle.com in celebration of National Pirate Week.

They taught you all how to talk like a pirate…but you didn’t learn how to speak like a she-pirate.

If your girlfriend were a pirate, here is the English to Pirate translation of things she might say to you…er, “to ye.”

10.  ENGLISH: Honey, I wish you’d help out around the house more.

PIRATE TRANSLATION:  Avast ye stinking bilge rat!  Batten down the hatches, trim the mainsail and swab the poop deck or it’s the cat of nine tails for ye.

9.  ENGLISH:  I’m in the mood for nookie. 

PIRATE TRANSLATION: ARRR ye filthy landlubber!  Raise the misen mast fer it be time to keel haul across the starboard bow.

8.  ENGLISH: I am not happy with you right now.

PIRATE TRANSLATION:  ARRRR!  Avast ye scurvy dog!  Listen and listen well, fer another trespass will earn ye a trip to walk the plank, where you’ll end up in the briney deep, trapped in Davey Jones’ locker for the rest of ye miserable days.

7.  ENGLISH:  I love you.


6. ENGLISH:  I am mad at you.


5.  ENGLISH:  I’m confused.


4.  ENGLISH: Let’s go on a vacation.

PIRATE TRANSLATION: Point yon vessel toward the third star and journey into the rotten bowels of our miserable mistress, the sea.

3.  ENGLISH: Let’s get a drink.  I know a trendy new martini bar.

PIRATE TRANSLATION: Hoist ye grog matey and fill yer hole with this nasty brew.

2.  ENGLISH:  I’m worried about our finances.

PIRATE TRANSLATION:  ARRRR!  Pillage yon village, matey!  Abscond with all the gold ye can carry and bury it where X marks the spot.

  1. ENGLISH:  I want to see other people.  It’s not you.  It’s me.

PIRATE TRANSLATION:  There isn’t a literal pirate translation for this one.  She would just run a sword through your belly, matey.  Arr.


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All International Talk Like a Pirate Day Posts

By:  Bonnie Lass, Special Guest Pirateshutterstock_299589737 copy

Ahoy me buckos!

Talk Like a Pirate Day isn’t just a National Holiday.  It’s an INTERNATIONAL holiday.

Aye, from the streets of London, to the colonies in the Americas and ARRR all the way to the Isle of Tortuga, ye need to be talkin’ like a pirate on this fine day matey, arr.

Here be a collection of the Talk Like a Pirate Tutorials brought to ye by Capt. Deathbeard’s crew:

Talk Like a Pirate at the Office 

Talk Like a Pirate at a Restaurant

Talk Like a Pirate While Babysitting 

Talk Like a Pirate While Driving 

Talk Like a Pirate – Idle Chatter 

Commonly Used Pirate Phrases

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Happy National Talk Like a Pirate Day!

By:  Capt. Deathbeard, Special Guest Pirateshutterstock_102600596 copy

ARRRR!  Avast ye bilge rats!  I hope ye have enjoyed this week of pirate talk lessons.

Today be the big day so make sure ye be talkin’ in the language of piracy from the dawning of the sun to the witching hour.  ARR.

Here be some last minute commonly used pirate phrases for ye perusal:

ARR – Umm or catchall phrase.


AHOY – Hello

SHIVER ME TIMBERS – That’s surprising.

ME HEARTIES – My friends.

WALK THE PLANK – Typical pirate solution to any and all problems.

LAND HO – There is the land.

LILLY LIVERED – Easily frightened person.

POOP DECK – The part of the ship where the magic happens.

SCURVY – An ancient ailment, usually caused by a lack of good nutrition and/or fruit.

SCURVY DOG – Commonly used insult, drawing an inference that a person is a canine suffering from an ailment caused by a lack of fruit.

SCALLY WAG – Jerkface.

DAVEY JONES’ LOCKER – Alternate solution to all pirate problems if the plank is already booked.

LAND LUBBER – Insult that implies a person who doesn’t embrace a life of sailing the seven seas and robbing ships is a jerkface.

AYE AYE – Yes.

GROG – Alcohol.  Margaritas, cosmos, and other fancy drinks weren’t available to pirates.  Instead, they’d mash up some crap, let it liquefy, use it to brew up some inebriating slop and have at it.

MISEN MAST – The part of the ship that holds a sail.  Alternatively, the pirate’s junk.  (i.e. ahoy me lady, ye surely rise me misen mast, ARR!)

BRITCHES – pants

BRINEY DEEP – Where Davey Jones’ locker is located.

Enjoy National Talk Like a Pirate Day, mateys!

For more info, check out the site of original Talk Like a Pirate Day inventors John Baur and Mark Summers.

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How to Talk Like a Pirate #5 – Idle Chatter

By:  Special Guest Pirate Parrot Polly

Polly the Pirate Parrot

Polly the Pirate Parrot

BAWK!  Shiver me timbers!  Have ye ever been around a bunch of salty sea dogs that ye got nothin’ in common with, but the urge to fill the creepy silence beckons?

So what do ye do?  Engage in useless chatter, aye?

ARRR mateys, fer the price of one cracker, I’ll educate ye spineless jellyfish on how to talk when tharrr’s nothin to talk about.

Sesame seed preferred.  Arr.


Lovely weather we’re having.

Avast!  The sun lies on its belly across the sky, nary a desire to rise and scorch our hides or hide and chill our bones!


How’s about that local sports team?

Arrr matey!  Did ye observe yon ridiculously paid mercenaries earn their gold by delivering a ball from one side of the deck to the other?  And they call US pirates!  YARRR!


How are you?

Arr.  Why would you give the backside of a smelly barnacle?  An inquiry into another’s feelings has no translation in the pirate’s tongue.  ARRR.


Can I offer you a drink?

Ahoy matey!  What manner of grog do ye wish to toss down ye nasty gullet to wash the horrid memories of your vile misdeeds from your odious soul?




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How to Talk Like a Pirate #4 – Driving

One Eyed Dan

One Eyed Dan

By:  Special Guest Pirate, One Eyed Dan

Aye, 3.5 readers.  Lost me eye I did to a rambunctious thief in a Jamaican port when he tried to come between me and me gold.  He got me peeper he sure did but I got his life when I ran him through the belly and left him in the street to die like the lowly dog that he was.

The locals tell me it took the scoundrel three days to bleed out and serves him right it did.

I hear ye be on a voyage.  Allow me to translate so that ye can travel in style like a true pirate.


Which way is the gas station?

Avast ye wretched animal!  Require provisions I do so point out a reputable mercantile at once or I’ll beat ye about the brow with yer own entrails.


It’s over there.

Land ho!  Follow the North Star for it shines bright and it shines true!  Raise the sail and onward ho for three settings of the sun stand between us and the next port!


Oh no.  I have a flat tire.

YARRRR!  Whoever be in charge of battening down the hatches, report to  the poop deck and stick thine filthy head in a noose for you’ve failed your crew with your treachery and given us all a death sentence as this vessel shall surely take on water until we’re all no more!


Hey!  You cut me off!

Ahoy ye nasty jackanape!  These high seas be the territory of Capt. Deathbeard and Capt. Deathbeard alone!  Ready the cannons, lads, and fill that scally wag’s ship full of more holes than Smelly Pants Jim’s under britches!

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How to Talk Like a Pirate #3 – Babysitting

Smelly Pants Jim

Smelly Pants Jim

By:  Special Guest Pirate, Smelly Pants Jim

Land ho, 3.5 readers.  Smelly Pants Jim be the moniker I be saddled with fer the last time my festooned pantaloons were laundered it was by a saucy maiden on the Isle of Tortuga ten years past.

Trust not just anyone with me fancy pants and they’ll never see the inside of a wash barrel again unless its toted by the same sweet lass that won me heart so many moons ago.  Some day I will retire from piracy, find her, and make her mine.

Stuck at home with the wee urchins, are ye?  I’ll translate fer ye and help turn family time into pirate time.  Yarr.


Billy, stop bothering your sister!

Ahoy, yon Billy.  Fancy making a shambles of yer kin’s life do ye?  Cease this madness or else its to the grimey, brimey depths of Davey Jones’ locker with ye, a place where dead men tell no tales and even demons dare not tread.


Finish your broccoli.

Shut up tight I was in the bellows of Captain Deathbeard’s ship on a far flung jaunt across uncharted waters all the way to the furthest points of the Orient, the sights and sounds of which a boy like you coulds’t nary dare imagine.  Deprived of sustenance I was for a dozen nights for the galley’s wares had turned gangrenous and foul.  Upon reaching land, offered I was a sprig of a green leafy vegetable, given me by the hand of a bare chested native wench.  Took it I did and devoured it giddily for sure, for beggars cannot be choosers, lad.


Do your homework.

Aye, read a book I once did.  ‘Twas a tale of swashbuckling sword play, damsels in distress and all manner of villainy.  Learn ye your letters lest ye end up dumber than a red assed baboon’s backside.


Do your chores.

YARRRR!  Swab the deck and bring the planks to a fine shine till I can spot me face in them, boy.  Batten down the hatches, trim the main sail, empty the slop buckets, scrub the galley, rub the bunions on me feet and take ye five minutes of shut eye before we do it all again in the bright and early morn.


You want to sing a song?  OK.  “Do you want to build a snowman?”

Song?  Aye.

Sixteen skulls sat in a row and to the deep all the bodies did go!

Food for sharks and sea creatures too.

The King’s Royal Navy be octopus poo!

So pour me an ale and to the tropics we’ll sail!

To a place where it’s warm and bright!

Pour me an ale and to the tropics we’ll sail!

Unless death lays a hand on me shoulder tonight!

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