Tag Archives: original brady bunch spouses

Jun 13 2015
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Pop Culture Mysteries

Pop Culture Mysteries – Case File #001 – Here’s a Story

Jake Hatcher, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Private Eye

Jake Hatcher, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Private Eye

A husband.  A wife.  Six kids, three from the man’s first marriage, three from the wife’s.

And a housekeeper who’s as loyal as a highly trained doberman is to its master.

The Brady Bunch aired on ABC from 1969 to 1974.  They’re often looked back on as a bastion of wholesomeness, a tame group who got along a lot better than most families do today.

Still, for the time, the subject matter was a bit risqué.  Men and women with kids from past marriages (or hell, past flings even) get married all the time, but in those days, it was a taboo topic for television.

Kids just don’t pop out of thin air.  There had to have been two other people involved in this story.

What happened to Mike Brady’s first wife?

What happened to Carol Brady’s first husband?

My employer, Bookshelf Q. Battler, was dying to know and thus began my first Pop Culture Mystery.

Want to know what happened to the original Brady Bunch spouses?

Well, you could throw a football to your brother, but you might break your sister’s schnozola in the process.

Better play it safe and read these fine tales instead:

Part 1 – Delilah walks her getaway sticks to a coffee shop, where I’m having a helluva time adjusting to modern sensibilities.  Can’t get a black coffee for less than a King’s ransom.  Can’t smoke without the whole joint coming down on you like a ton of bricks.  Did the Nazis have a comeback while I was asleep?

Part 2 – Agnes the Librarian comes to my aid, helping navigate the complicated world of the modern beep boop machine.  I miss the old days when a computer was the size of a warehouse and only the government had them.

Part 3 – I twist the lid off this mystery like it’s a jar of three week old pickles.  If you want to find out what happened to Mike’s first wife and Carol’s first husband, read on.

(I’m told you can watch the Brady’s antics now on something called Hulu.  I have no idea what that is because I’m from 1955.  I assume it’s something you’ll need a beep boop machine for.)

Do you have a Pop Culture Mystery? Put Hatcher on the case! Tweet your questions about movies, television, music, books and entertainment to @bookshelfbattle or leave them in the comments on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

Copyright (C) Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015. All Rights Reserved.

Images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Jun 11 2015
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You Can't Argue with Science

You Can’t Argue with Science: Dr. Hugo Reminds You of BQB and The Meaning of Life

Guten tag, mein leipshin!

Dr. Hugo Von Science

Dr. Hugo Von Science

It is I, Dr. Hugo Von Science here mit mein column, “You Can’t Argue With Science.”

You really can’t, can you?  Go on.  Try it.  Argue with a molecule and see where it gets you.  Nowhere.

Perhaps you remember me from one of my amazing inventions:

  • The Super Collider Walnut Cracker – Harnesses the power of the super collider to send molecules hurtling at unimaginable speeds for the purpose of cracking mein delicious walnuts.
  • Chimpanzee Mind Control Helmets – Have you ever wanted to live vicariously through a chimp?  Now you can.  You’re welcome.
  • The Spoiler Stratifier – Tired of your favorite television shows being spoiled by people who have more time to watch TV than you do?  Try this special pair of ear buds that translates any spoiler uttered by a dufus into the sound of a Swiss man yodeling.

And of course…

  • The Stench-a-fier – Provide me with all the gold bars in the world or your cities will reek with the stench of a billion skunks dipped in old buttermilk and…woopsie!  That one isn’t perfected yet.  Mein bad.

Anyhoodles, have you forgotten all about Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life?  Of course you have, mein leipshin.  It’s all right.  You all have the brain capacity of a bunch of buzzing gnats.  It’s ok.  We all can’t be a distinguished Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University like yours truly, Dr. Hugo Von Science.

Here’s a refresher of BQB’s epic adventure:

Parts 1-5 – BQB dies on toilet after eating a lightning bolt that was concentrated into a pop tart.  In death, his spirit guide, William Shakespeare, advises him to seek the meaning of life.  Critics praise the tale, especially the intense realism as well as the author’s bold gambit in educating the world about the scourge of toilet/lightning related fatalities.

Parts 6-13 – Our hero is given a second chance at life and recovers from his injuries at the Bookshelf Battle Compound.  Various tiny book characters apologize for causing his injury.  BQB decides that the secret of life must rest in the brain of the Great Guru, a wise man who lives high atop a mountain smack dab in the middle of the civil war plagued island of Pango Tango.  The inhabitants have been massacring each other for years over an argument as to which side is most peaceful.  (Yes, you read that right.)

Pop Culture Mysteries returns in July with a special episode in which Detective Jake Hatcher investigates whether Han or Greedo from Star Wars shot first.

In the meantime, you can start reading Jake’s quest to figure out what happened to the original Brady Bunch spouses.

What do you think happened to them, mein leipshin?  Personally, I don’t think Mike or Carol had first spouses.  I bet the Brady children were cloned in a lab, but that just could be mein bias for, as you know, I am a man of science.

And you can’t argue with science.

Toodle-ooo herrs unt frauleins!

Dr. Hugo Von Science is a Distinguished Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University.  He has patented over a bazillion inventions and may or may not be attempting to conquer the world in his spare time.  His column, “You Can’t Argue with Science” is a recurring feature on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

Mad scientist photo courtesy of shutterstock.com

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