Ladies and Gentleman…let’s get ready to….bookshelf battle! (Sorry Michael Buffer but I can’t afford to pay you to use your catchphrase).
In this corner, weighing in at, well who really knows because he’s just a fantasy character that exists only in the mind of an old man who likes to wear a fisherman’s cap wherever he goes, but I can’t imagine he weighs that much…Prince Oberyn “The Red Viper” Martell of Dorne!!!!
And in that corner, weighing in at a bazillion pounds is Sir Gregor Clegane aka The Mountain because let’s face it folks, he’s the size of one!
In 1975, boxing history was made when Muhammad Ali fought Smokin’ Joe Frazier in Manila, Phllippines. Tonight at 9 P.M. EST on HBO (at least I think so but they could push it to next Sunday depending on how they lay the story out over the next two episodes) Nerd History will be made as The Red Viper squares off against the Mountain.
Call it the Nerd Thrilla in Manila. No really, please do so it takes off on Twitter and brings more eyes to this dismal blog. (Bookshelf battle has started the #nerdthrillainmanila twitter hashtag though tonight’s bout is already being heavily discussed in #theredvipervsthemountain and so on.
What are the Vegas Oddsmakers saying about this? Probably nothing, because they don’t watch pay cable shows based on fantasy fiction novels. But if they did, here’s how these two fighters compare:
The Mountain Clearly it’s his fight to lose. He’s the heavyweight in more ways than one contender who makes everyone shake in their boots. As illustrated in the last episode, his enormous size and brute strength allows him to cut through peasants like butter. (And for some strange reason, Westerosi Law apparently allows him to do so because peasants were just being handed over to him to be chopped up like nobody’s business).
In addition to his many physical attributes, he also has the backing of Tywin and Cersei Lannister (he’s fighting as Cersei’s Champion because, according to another odd Westerosi Law, it is entirely possible to throw facts and justice out the window and demand that a calm and rational legal inquiry into allegations of wrongdoing be replaced by a duel in which two murderers of the accuser and accused’s choosing fight to the death). Tywin and Cersei are not known for playing fair. Just ask Robb Stark. Oh wait, you can’t because he along with his mother, wife, and unborn child, were slaughtered by Lannister agents at a Wedding reception. In other words, the Lannisters don’t play fair and it would not be a surprise if they were to engage in chicanery that provides The Mountain with even more of an unfair advantage.
The Red Viper A wealthy playboy and hedonist whose debauchery is only matched by the imp he is championing (is that a word?) for, Prince Oberyn is a skilled fighter and moreover, he has a vengeance fueled rage surging within him. The Mountain killed his sister and her children so that anger will no doubt provide the Viper with some additional strength. Oberyn is Champion for Tyrion Lannister, wrongfully accused person of small stature, who has a history of finding ingenious ways to get himself out of sticky situations so it is not unthinkable to suggest he might have something up his sleeve that will level the playing field for his new Dornish friend.
So who will win? Who will lose? Place your bets and make a guess as to who will be the victor and who will be the vanquished. (Except for a) all you holier than though “Oh look at me, I already know who wins because I read the book, I’m better and smarter than you because I didn’t need a pay cable series to discover that George R.R. Martin is the American Tolkien!” and b) all you people like me who are too lazy to read the book to find out what happens next but find out anyway because they look up what happens on “A Wiki of Ice and Fire.”
BOOKSHELF BATTLE PREDICTION Come on, the Red Viper has to win, right? It would be a huge upset that would leave a lot of egg on Tywin and Cersei’s faces. To lose a trial they rigged to a tiny imp all because of a Westerosi legal loophole? Plus, if Oberyn is defeated, Tyrion will be executed (Your Champion’s defeat means you’re guilty. Stupid Westerosi Law) and that means the loss of a main character.
Although, we all know George R.R. Martin eats main characters for breakfast.