Category Archives: Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones Recap -Season 6, Episode 6 – “Blood of My Blood”

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Hey 3.5 Readers.

What a great holiday weekend. Got some burgers on the BBQ. Got some brews. Got some Game of Thrones.

SPOILERS!  SO MANY SPOILERS!

This show does excel at making you think one thing will happen then something else happens entirely.

For example:

  • Sam and Gilly – I thought Sam was just going to let Gilly be dissed because he had to attend Maester school and there was nowhere else for the Gillster to go but then out of left field he swipes the family sword. That’ll fetch a pretty penny but they’ll be on the run for the rest of their lives.  Still, with so many beautiful power couples on TV, it is nice to see a couple of dorks find love.
  • High Sparrow Shenanigans – When the High Sparrow said there wouldn’t be a need for a fight then started looking at Margery ominously, I thought he was going to kill her or something. I’m not sure I understand this “Crown and Church” partnership. I thought they already had one but it sounds like Tommen was talked into sharing more power with the church.
  • Bran – Looked like he was about to buy the farm but Uncle Benjen to the rescue. But that the hell?  Is it possible to be half a white walker now?
  • Arya – Seemed like she was on board for killing Lady Crane but she grew a conscience at the last minute.  I’m not sure I understand. I thought the place she was working for was like this band of assassins who assassinate bad people in the name of justice but apparently they can just take jobs to kill people for money for any old reason.
  • Khaleesi’s Big Ass Dragon Speech – Daeny is batting a thousand with her crowd inspiring speeches this season.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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My Theories About Jon Snow and His Direwolf

You know nothing, 3.5 readers.

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Jon Snow knows nothing…or does he?

You know nothing.

But if you read this post, you will know SPOILERS!

So you know, if you don’t want to know what’s happening on Game of Thrones then stop reading. Go play Parcheesi or eat a cheese sandwich or take a walk or some shit.

I don’t know. It’s not my job to know what to tell you what you should do when you don’t want to read Game of Thrones SPOILERS.

OK so now that all of the people with suspect nerd credentials are out of the way, let’s talk last week’s episode.

So in Season 6, Episode 2 of Game of Thrones – “Home” we find out Jon Snow is alive.

Melisandre, the Red Woman with the Evil Magic Vagina performs some hocus pocus. But nothing happens.  So she and the other warrior dudes give up.

And if you ask me, they all give up too quickly. I mean, if Jon Snow were my friend, I might have tried the spell at least two more times.

Hell, if you were just some dopey stranger off the street I might try a life saving spell at least one more time.

But whatever. So then everyone leaves. And Jon Snow’s body is alone with his dire wolf.

And the wolf starts to sir.  And then Jon Snow gasps for air and he’s alive.

Is there anything going on with that wolf?

Theories:

  • It’s a Freaky Friday situation. Jon Snow didn’t talk. He just gasped for air. Ergo, Melisandre did the spell wrong and now the wolf’s soul is in Jon and Jon’s snow is in the wolf. Kit Harrington will just walk around barking at everyone.
  • Melisandre’s spell had nothing to do with it. Jon Snow has been a worg all along, like his little brother, Bran. Jon worged his ass into his dire wolf just before he died.  And then uh, I don’t know. Melisandre’s spell did have something to do with it because whatever she did pulled Jon’s soul out of the wolf and into Jon Snow’s body.
  • Nothing happened with the wolf other than the show runners wanted to show you that after everyone had given up, the wolf, with its heightened wolf senses, sensed Jon Snow was back.

All I know is that no shadow assassins popped out of Melisandre’s magic vagina and her clothes and magic age defying necklace stayed on the entire time, thank God.

What theories do you 3.5 readers have going into this coming Sunday’s episode?

FULL DISCLOSURE: I didn’t make that Jon Snow meme it’s just one of many Jon Snow memes going about in the Game of Thrones nerdosphere and I thought it was funny.

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Winter is Trumping

Politics and humor aside, the technology that put Trump’s head on various Game of Thrones’ characters is pretty impressive.

So Game of Thrones is back on the air soon – what do you all think, is Jon Snow still alive?

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Lady Melisandre at a Baby Shower

Hey 3.5 Readers,

BQB here.  Late Show with Seth Meyers had a funny skit in which Lady Melisandre attends a baby shower and is her usual self.

So Game of Thrones will be back on the air soon, what are you hoping to see?

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Game of Thrones – Jon Snow Poster Released – Is He Alive?

The North remembers, 3.5 readers!

HBO just released this poster to promote the next season of Game of Thrones.

Thus, it’s confirmed Jon Snow will obviously, somehow, feature heavily in the next season.  Will it be because he’s alive?  Will it be because he’s dead and there will be ensuing consequences?

And is it just me, or does Jon’s nose look bigger?  Maybe its just the juxtaposition of the blood.  I don’t know.  I’m not a photo designer.  I was just wondering if that could mean anything or am I off base on that?

All Hail the Lord Commander!

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Time Magazine’s List of 61 People Who’ve Died on Game of Thrones…

…also with the likelihood of whether or not they’ll return.  (0% for most of them)

Thanks Time.  I’d forgotten most of these characters already.

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How Game of Thrones is Like Real Life (Season 5 Finale Review)

Hello 3.5 Readers,

Does this mean by Jon Snow doll goes up in value?

Does this mean by Jon Snow action figure goes up in value?

Quite a surprise ending for Season 5, wasn’t it?

I’ve finally processed my grief and am now able to talk about it but first, let’s talk about real life.

That’s right.  I’m talking about the life outside of Game of Thrones, the one without the dragons, or the Khaleesi, or the epic battles or a functionally alcoholic dwarf who manages to save the day despite his ennui.

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.”

That’s an old cliche, isn’t it?  It holds up though. So many of us work our little butts off. We toil away, we make goals, figure out the steps we need to take to work towards them and do what we can to achieve them.

Sometimes things work out for us. Other times, and usually more often than not, we fall flat on our faces.

3.5 readers, who among you has locked up your emotions with a significant other you trusted not to screw you over? Surely, at least one of you convinced yourself your girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse, partner, whatever was “the one” and you built your life around said individual.

Maybe you were planning to get married or hell, maybe you DID get married. God, maybe you even brought kids into the world with this person. Or maybe you didn’t. Maybe you just walked around telling your friends and family what a reliable, dependable person this guy or gal was.

Then one day…boom! Gone.

POSSIBLE BREAK-UP LINES USED ON YOU:

  • It’s not you, it’s me.
  • It was you all along.
  • I hate your face.
  • Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.
  • TEXT MESSAGE: U IZ DUMPD
  • TWEET: #UIZDUMPD
  • FACEBOOK: You’re dumped.  Here’s a funny cat video I hope will help you get through it.

Forget relationships. Maybe you’re career aspirations did not go how you planned them. You went to college, selected a major, gained useful experience and boom! You’re riding the pine on the ‘rents’ couch because the economy stinks worse than a wookie during mating season on Kashyyyk.

Maybe everything did go right. Maybe you did find that awesome job and that awesome significant other.

Maybe one day you’re walking across the street, you’re thinking, “Wow, everything sure did work out for me and OH NO! A damn Mac Truck just ran over my face.”

Life.  Whether it’s romance or careers or dreams, there’s just no guarantee of success and everything can go turn to crap in an instant.

Now, add in the dragons, and the sword fights, and the Khaleesi and you have Game of Thrones, a fantasy show that is as close as a program can get to real life and still feature a red headed witch with the ability to push smokey ghost assassins out of her cooter.

Attorney Donnelly preemptively apologizes to anyone offended by my use of the word “cooter.” Also, please read Pop Culture Mysteries. I’m pretty proud of that one.

In real life, there’s what you wanted to happen AND what did happen.

I, your illustrious blog host Bookshelf Q. Battler, will now analyze the past season/final episode with through those two points of view.

SPOILER WARNING!!!!  DON’T READ IF YOU DON’T WANT ANYTHING SPOILED!

GAME OF THRONES – HBO – SEASON 5 TRAILER – THE WHEEL

THE BIG SURPRISE – JON SNOW

WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN – Jon Snow to continue into the next season as the man standing between Westeros and the White Walkers.

WHAT DID HAPPEN – The Night’s Watch turned on their leader in a big way.

Jon Snow was named Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch this season. His men grumbled about his decisions but they also gave every indication of, “Well, this is a military organization so we have to follow orders even when they piss us off.”

Jon grew so much this season, moving from dopey pretty boy to battle hardened leader. He made a tough call with the Wildlings.

The Night’s Watch Brothers are understandably unhappy with the decision to save the Wildlings. These are people who have killed several brothers as well as innocent bystanders – men, women and children. Sure, the Wildlings’ reasoning is, “Hey! You put up a big ass wall and locked us out of the Kingdom!” but the justification is, “Of course we did! You guys are a bunch of aholes and are basically snow covered Dothraki!”

SIDE NOTE:  The genius of the books/series is that nothing is ever black and white. George RR provides reasoning and justification for why every characters acts the way that they do, even the worst ones.  Their actions aren’t necessarily right, but you’re left with an understanding of the events that led to a person becoming an evil jerkface.

I get that no character is safe but so much was built up around Jon snow:

You know nothing – Am I the only one who thought all of those, “You know nothing, Jon Snows” would eventually lead to a big reveal where Jon Snow would learn something, whatever it was that he was supposed to know?

Jon Snow’s Mother – (Possible Big Spoiler) – In the first season, we learn that Ned brought baby Jon Snow back to Winterfell, a bastard he had with some allegedly random hussy because while he loved Cat and all, he thought he was going to die during Robert’s Rebellion so he might as well get a little somethin’ somethin’ on the side and woops! We won the war!  Guess Ned has some ‘splaining to do.

Ned tells Jon he’ll fill him in on his mother one day.  Will we ever find out who Jon’s mother is now? Will it matter if/when we do?

There’s been a long bandied about theory (POSSIBLE BIG SPOILER!) that Jon was not actually Ned’s kid but rather, was the love child of Lyanna Stark (Ned’s sister betrothed to Robert Baratheon) and Rhaegar Targaryen, that Lyanna wasn’t actually kidnapped but in fact, she ran away willingly with Rhaegar and as a Targaryen, Jon had the closest link to the throne and Ned felt the need to protect his nephew from Robert by claiming him as a bastard, even if that meant enduring Cat’s constant, “Waah waah Ned cheated on me while he was at war” complaints.

Is that theory possible?  Who knows now but here’s a question – was noble Ned really the cheating type?

This is what George RR does and does best. He builds up our hopes and dreams.  Like Lucy from Peanuts, he holds that damn football.  Like the gullible Charlie Brown, the dumb audience comes running up to kick that football and then bam, George, like Lucy, pulls that football away. He does it every time and we keep watching because in many ways, those big shockers make for thrilling television.

GRRM did it with Rob Stark, when the Young Wolf won battle after battle against the Lannisters only to be gutted at the Red Wedding.  He did it with Prince Oberyn when we were led to believe that the Viper had bested the Mountain only to gloat just a little too early.  And now he’s done it with Jon Snow.

Sure, Jon’s untimely demise made for a big “HOLY CRAP” moment but whether or not it pans out as a good decision for the series remains to be seen. After all, we invested a lot in Jon Snow. Aside from the Khaleesi and Tyrion, he was pretty much the last good guy worth rooting for.

Sam’s a fun character but will it be as invigorating to watch him stand between Westeros and the White Walkers? Will we cheer on the Night’s Watch when they betrayed their Lord Commander? Seriously, other than Dany, who’s left to like now?

SIDE NOTE: In keeping with the GOT = Real Life argument, keep in mind at this point, the more likely outcome is not that Dany swoops into Westeros and saves the day but rather, that the Whitewalkers just take over the entire fantasy world and have a great undead time into all eternity.  I can honestly see GRRM taking that approach, can’t you?

CERSEI 

WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN: Cersei refuses to confess.  Tommen grows a pair and sends the army to retrieve his wife, mother and brother-in-law.

WHAT DID HAPPEN: Tommen reverts to being an indecisive wuss. Cersei confesses, goes on the worst walk of shame ever and still has to undergo a trial anyway.

Cersei’s the character fans love to hate. The running pattern in the show is that she concocts these schemes, thinks she’s so clever and then her plans backfire royally. That happened again this season. By giving the High Sparrow the power of a religious army, she thought she’d developed her own personal hit squad to take out her enemies, namely the Tyrells.

It all backfired when the High Sparrow turned on her and locked her up.

Cersei’s done a lot of bad things to good people (most notably Ned) but on the other hand, that whole “walk of shame” scene was sad to watch and surely it would be a painful experience for anyone to go through.

Hat’s off to Lena Headey. I’m sure walking around in the buff whilst surrounded by throngs of fantasy peasant extras spitting on you, throwing garbage and uh, other substances at you and hurling insults was no easy feet.

SIDENOTE: Remember how Lady Stoneheart was axed from the series, that the idea was a little farfetched?  But uh, Frankenmountain isn’t?  Clyburn introducing his “creation” kind of blew the end of that very powerful walk of shame scene. The emotion was raw and real and then it went basically went to a Frankenstein monster to defend Cersei’s honor.

JAIME/MYRCELLA – I’m going to rush through this one.  I wanted Myrcella to live because, hey, she’s just a kid.  Why punish her when she didn’t do anything?  Alas, Jaime gets that briefest of father/daughter moments before seeing his offspring die due to Ellaria’s treachery.  Prince Doran won’t be happy.

STANNIS/SANSA/REEK/BOLTONS/RED WOMAN

WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN:  Stannis ousts the Boltons, frees Sansa.  Sansa finally gets to have somewhat of a normal existence where she isn’t a captive or a torture victim.

WHAT DID HAPPEN: As often happens in real life, the bad guys aka the Boltons, won.

Perhaps GRRM’s intent in having Stannis sacrifice Shireen was to turn him from good to bad guy, thus leaving the audience pleased at his defeat.

Stannis started out in the series as the ruthless “win at all costs” warrior, too blindly devoted to the Red Woman, willing to even kill his own brother (through the above mentioned cooter delivered smoke ghost assassin) to get what he wants.

But then Stannis scored points and his stock rose.  He was the only one to respond to the Night’s Watch calls for help, bringing his men to save the day during the Wildling attack.  He told Shireen that she was a princess and that he had always seen to it that she’d be treated accordingly despite her ailment.

GRRM convinced us. Go Stannis.  Kick out the dastardly Boltons. Punish them for their betrayal of the Starks. Save Sansa.

Alas, then there was what happened to Shireen and well, the battle became a conflict between two aholes (Bolton vs. Baratheon) and as often happens in life, you were left tepidly rooting for the lesser of two aholes.

What about Lady Melisandre?  Some powerful acting there. She presents herself as the consummate, unshaken true believer in the Lord of Light yet when the audience learns half of Stannis men have fled with the horses, you can see the look of defeat in her eyes.

Here’s a question – would you keep fighting for a guy who cooked his daughter alive? Could that have been a big reason why his troops skeedaddled?

SIDENOTE: Will the Red Woman resurrect Jon Snow?  Tough call.

1) We’re not sure if she can.  Sometimes it is implied that she’s full of shit.  She might have no magic power and all she does is pull creepy sayings out of her ass, throw a few powders into the fire, put on a little show and then she has the patronage and support of a rich royal family.  She all but said that in a prior episode.

2)  But she might be able do.  I mean, hell, the woman did push a smokey ghost assassin out of her cooter, so bringing a dead man back to life should be a piece of cake.

3) Kit Harington, the actor who played Jon Snow, has already said in interviews that Jon isn’t coming back.  I mean, that still doesn’t mean it’s impossible but it’s something to keep in mind.  (Would an actor say, “Oh yeah!  Don’t worry!  The Red Woman will bring me back!” if that was going to happen?)

Still, I kind of doubt that’s going to happen.

SANSA AND REEK – Hey um, I’m surprised I’m the only one asking this, but are they dead?  They’re pretty much dead, aren’t they?

The show runners were made a point to show the viewer just how tall that damn wall was, that there weren’t any beds of feathers or wagons full of pillows waiting at the bottom, and we even saw a person fall to her death from the inner side so…Sansa and Reek jumped just after Sansa declared she’d rather die than be tortured any more so uh….I don’t know.  I fail to see how they’d of survived that fall but we didn’t see any bodies so I guess we wait until next season.

I have to say if Sansa dies it will be yet another, “God damn it.  Another character I rooted for taken from me.”

ARYA

WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN: Arya continues her training

WHAT DID HAPPEN:  Arya goes blind.  I don’t know why.  The Faceless Men have rules and she broke them.

THE KHALEESI 

WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN: I wanted a damn explanation as to how the Khaleesi’s buddies survived the Sons of the Harpy attack after being abandoned by their Queen when she went on a dragon joyride.  Also, I wanted her to return and continue to lead her army into Westeros, since now, without Jon Snow, she’s pretty much that continent’s only hope.

WHAT DID HAPPEN: The Khaleesi is captured by the Dothraki and this time does not have Khal Drogo to protect her.  Hopefully, Mormont and Daario will find her in time.

But keep in mind, we’re onto your tricks, GRRM.  We won’t be surprised if you have the Khaleesi get burned up by one of her dragons or killed by the Dothraki or something.

Hell, just give the Iron Throne to Sam Tarly or Hodor and be done with it.

Real life?  You never get what you want and that’s why you never get what you want on this show either.

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Game of Thrones Finale

Still haven’t processed my feelings about last night’s Game of Thrones.

Maybe tomorrow.

SPOILER ALERT

I haven’t felt this sad about a fictional character’s death since I was a kid watching Megatron wack Optimus and the Autobots stone cold gangster style.

By the way, which 1980’s sadist thought that was a good idea?

“Hey kids!  Know those characters you love?  Well, they’re all dead!  Time to ask Mom and Dad to buy more toys!”

But I digress.  Game of Thrones Finale Wrap-Up coming as soon as possible.

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Last Night’s Game of Thrones

Holy Crap.

I’m still recovering, 3.5 readers.

I’ll have to get back to you.

What did you think?

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Game of Thrones Crossed Some Lines Tonight

Hey 3.5 Readers.cropped-img_1757.jpg

I’d like to go on a rant.  Come with me, will you?

Let’s talk about tonight’s episode – Season 5, Episode 9, “The Dance of Dragons.”

I tend to be a zealous defender of free speech.  I may disagree with you but I’ll defend your right to say it.  And if you don’t like a TV show, I’ve always felt the better option is to change the channel rather than demand the show be shut down or changed to suit your opinions.

I never thought it was possible but there were some moments tonight where GOT made me think about changing the channel.

George RR Martin is a great writer.  He’s a man who doesn’t just embrace his nerdyness but rather, allows his nerd freak flag to fly freely.

While other writers try to fit their works into commercially viable packages, GRRM dared to write a fantasy series geared toward adults even though the genre is historically for younger folks.

He’s the King of the fakeout with an uncanny ability to make you look left while the right hook is coming, even when he’s done it to you, the reader, several times before.  Thus, the series is fabulous because there are real consequences.

There’s never a moment where you’re left thinking, “Well, that character’s safe because he/she is too important to the series.”  Nope.  Any character could buy the farm at any time and thus the stakes are high.

Many critics have said that HBO diverting from GRRM’s books would be a good thing, but allow me to defend my favorite sailor hat wearing writer but noting that Martin didn’t write either of tonight’s cross the line moments.

SPOILER ALERT.

It wasn’t a good night to be a kid on tonight’s episode.

First, Princess Shireen, much to my shock and dismay, was burned at the stake, a sacrifice that Lady Melisandre aka “The Red Woman” advises Stannis is necessary to appease the Lord of Light and lead Stannis’ army to victory.

I’m sorry, but when I’m looking for some Sunday night entertainment, the last thing I need to witness is a kid getting dragged to a pyre where she’s fried to a crisp.  Anyone who finds that entertaining is a big time weirdo.

Moreover, the scene just didn’t make sense.  Stannis had steadfastly denied the Red Woman’s demands for a sacrifice and up until tonight, had been Shireen’s champion, standing up for her when others called for her to be exiled when she contracted “Greyscale,” a loathsome lizard skin disease.

George RR Martin didn’t write that.  In fact, there’s already a meme going around pointing out that Martin had Stannis demanding that should he die, his army is to go on in pursuit of the Iron Throne and if successful, to name Shireen Queen of Westeros.

Secondly, we learn that the dastardly Ser Meryn Trant is a horrendous pedophile.  In a scene in a brothel, he rejects various offered ladies of the evening, demanding that a younger alternative be brought to him.

Additionally, Arya goes on a recognizance mission, spying on Trant while posing as a clam vendor.  Everyone’s clothed but a) that a kid was actually brought out to appease Trant and b) just seeing the young Arya walking around in a brothel scene….it all disgusted me.

GRRM didn’t write that either as far as I know.

I get it.  The show portrays a brutal and horrific setting where bad things happen, as they did during Earth’s own ancient times.  Portraying Trant as a piece of human garbage will make the audience cheer that much more when he inevitably bites the dust.  Meanwhile, the audience will likely rally around Ser Davos Seaworth as I’d be surprised he’d continue in Stannis’ service after what happened to Shireen.  Pitting Seaworth’s loyalty to Stannis against his loyalty to Shireen (she taught him how to read and he clearly viewed her as the daughter he never had) will make for good drama.

Even so, and again in my opinion, as a society we need to protect kids and we just don’t need scenes like these on television.

The show ended on a high note with an epic scene in which Drogon the Dragon comes to the Khaleesi’s defense, protecting his mother from an attack by the Sons of the Harpy.  Dany flies her dragon to safety, notably leaving her friends to fend for themselves but they’ll be fine.  Tyrion will kick some ass.

I don’t know.  I know this is all make-believe but the scenes with the kids just did not sit well with this reviewer at all.

EDIT:  I’m hearing talk that GRRM apparently planned the Shireen being burned scene for the next book, Winds of Winter and the show just put the scene out tonight rather than wait for the book to come out.  There’s even discussion that the show’s creators were surprised by GRRM’s decision but went with it.

Sigh.  So much for my defense of GRRM.

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