Mark Twain on Zombies

marktwainfaceSamuel Langhorne Clemens, better known to the world as Mark Twain, is widely regarded as one of America’s finest novelists, providing wit and humor with such works as Tom Sawyer and the Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.

Alas, Mr. Twain was among many Americans who found themselves on the wrong side of the Mississippi River when the West Was Zombed, but he made the best of it by jotting down his observations about humans, zombies and their interactions:

  • When it comes to zombies, there are three kinds of lies: lies about zombies, damned lies about zombies, and zombie related statistics.”
  • “The fear of death at the hands of zombies follows from the fear of a life spent surrounded by zombies. A man who lives fully despite the zombie hordes’ worst intentions is prepared to die at any time, be it by zombie attack or by natural causes.”
  • “Get your facts about zombies first and then you can distort your facts about zombies as much as you please.”
  • “I have never let my schooling interfere with my education about zombies.”
  • “Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. And now it is filled with damn zombies.”
  • “The secret to getting ahead of a zombie horde is to get started on skewering their rotten brains.”
  • “Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Meanwhile, the zombies will not give a shit.”
  • “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything…except don’t forget to bring a hammer…to box the ears of marauding zombies.”
  • “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. And don’t even get me started on naked zombies…”
  • “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. Also, the zombies will hear you and break down your door and feast on your brains.”
  • “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.  Just don’t let a zombie eat your mind.”
  • “Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. But if you are deaf and blind, the zombies will probably eat you first.”
  • “Courage is resistance to fear of zombies, mastery of fear of zombies, not absence of fear of zombies.”
  • “Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times. I inevitably put my cigar out in a zombie’s eye and then try, try again in the morn.”
  • “When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear at zombies.”
  • “It’s not the size of the zombie in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the zombie.”
  • “I can live for two months on a good compliment. Three, if a zombie doesn’t devour my brains.”
  • “It’s no wonder that the truth about zombies is stranger than zombie fiction. Zombie fiction has to make sense.”
  • “I didn’t attend the funeral of the man who was eaten by zombies, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it (the funeral, that is, not the man’s dismemberment at the hands of zombies.)”

 

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2 thoughts on “Mark Twain on Zombies

  1. Love it. You’ve combined two of my favorite things.

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