Together, we can find a cure for LITPTD.
BEN AFFLECK: Hello. I’m acclaimed motion picture star Ben Affleck. Everything I’ve been in has been great.
Gigli?
Neverheard of it. Will you people get over it, already? Look, you’d make any movie if you were dating J. Lo and…nope. Nevermind. We’re not hear to talk about that. We’re hear to talk about a horrendous illness that is sweeping across the globe.
LADY GAGA: Gosh, Ben! What is it?
BEN AFFLECK: It’s a physical condition that’s uglier than that dress you’ve got on, Gaga.
JOE NAMATH: It sounds awful, Ben.
BEN AFFLECK: It sure does legendary football star Joe Namath.
KERMIT THE FROG: Hi Ho Ben, why don’t you just tell us what it is already?
BEN AFFLECK: LITPTD
AL ROKER: Say what?!
BEN AFFLECK: LITPTD, or in laymen’s terms, “Lightning Infused Toaster Pastry Toilet Death.”
CROWD OF CELEBRITIES ON STAGE GASPS
IGGY AZALEA: Crikey, Ben! What in the deep digeridoo is that?
BEN AFFLECK: Every year, thousands of people die after eating a toaster pastry infused with a concentrated lightning bolt. It’s not their fault. Lightning infused toaster pastries are so damn delicious that no mortal is able to resist. Sadly, what goes in must come out and sure enough, the lightning comes out in a big way. Too big for the human body to handle…usually while the afflicted individual is sitting on the toilet.
KERMIT THE FROG: Did you say, “usually?”
BEN AFFLECK: I did. Unfortunately, the best case scenario for a LITPTD sufferer is to die whilst on the commode. Of course, we’ve all seen the news stories about LITPTD afflicted individuals rolling over in the middle of the night and taking out their spouses who happen to be sleeping in bed with them. Of course, our hearts and prayers go out to those poor folks who were attending a telemarketer convention when one of the attendees inflicted by LITPTD wasn’t able to find a bathroom in time and accidentally took out an entire seminar on how to call people during dinner.
KERMIT THE FROG: Did you say thousands of people suffer from this? Is LITPD really that common?
BEN AFFLECK: Yes, Kermit. Right now as we speak, someone is dying on the toilet while trying to push out a lightning bolt that was consumed in the form of a toaster pastry.
NICKI MINAJ: (Sweetly) Only cherry toaster pastries though, right? (ANGRILY) – BECAUSE TO DIE FROM AN ORANGE TOASTER PASTRY WOULD BE A FRIGHTENING SIGHT!
BEN AFFLECK: No Nicki. Lightning can strike any flavor of toaster pastry and make it extra delicious and hard to resist, despite the fact that eating it results in a certain, painful, and exceptionally hilarious death. Strawberry. Chocolate. Vanilla. No toaster pastry is safe from becoming a vessel of impending doom.
JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE: What can we do, Ben?
BEN AFFLECK: What celebrities do best, Justin. We can raise awareness.
CELEBRITIES GATHER TOGETHER AND BREAK OUT INTO SONG
Cure LITPTD Today
By: A Gaggle of Concerned Celebrities
ALL:
There’s a rumble in my tummy!
I don’t know what to do!
Oh lightning infused toaster pastry!
Why did I eat you?
You looked so delicious.
So I ate the entire thing.
But now out of my backside…
A damn lightning bolt will fling!
Whoa…whoa..whoa…CURE!
CURE LIGHTNING INFUSED TOASTER PASTRY TOILET DEATH!
Won’t you donate today and make this madness go away?
Whoa…whoa…whoa..CURE!
CURE LIGHTNING INFUSED TOASTER PASTRY TOILET DEATH!
Cure it today and make it safe to go to the bathroom again….
ATTORNEY DONNELLY SAYS: This is just a parody. Literally, none of the above mentioned celebrities participated in a telethon/music video to raise awareness for Lightning Infused Toaster Pastry Toilet Death. None of them said any of these horrible things.
BQB: Because they didn’t care?
ATTORNEY DONNELLY: Because there isn’t such an affliction!
BQB: Could of fooled me! I’m still sitting on a prescription butt pillow!
Bookshelf Battle 