PREVIOUSLY ON BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER AND THE MEANING OF LIFE
BQB dies. Lives. He must search for the meaning of life.
BQB and his bookshelf characters talk. Holmes and Watson want to help.
BQB flies Air Third World on a mission to visit the war torn nation of Pango Tango, where the Great Guru lives. BQB hopes to ask him about the meaning of life On the plane, BQB meets a nerdy female video game enthusiast.
“And so, in Monster Nightmare, if you chop up a thousand monsters with your chainsaw, you get a distinguished chainsaw valor award,” the pretty she-nerd explained.
“Naturally,” I replied. “I wouldn’t want to chop up all of those monsters for nothing.”
Vicky shows Ed her video game awards.
We talked for an hour. Actually, she talked. I listened. Occasionally, I tossed out a witty comment, but she had the floor.
“Listen to me babble on and on about video games,” the woman said. “I haven’t even bothered to ask you your name.”
She reached out her hand. I shook it.
“Book…”
I stopped myself. She was a stranger. Best to use my given name, not my chosen name. The magic bookshelf was a source of great power. Knowledge of its existence was not to be shared with just anyone.
“Eduardo,” I said.
“Nice to meet you, Eduardo,” the woman replied. “I’m Victoria.”
Victoria popped a piece of gum into her mouth and offered me a piece. I took it and chewed it. I wasn’t a big gum chewer but it had been so long since I’d been in the company of a beautiful woman that I was ready to do anything she asked me.
“Is that your full name?” Victoria asked.
I laughed.
“No,” I said. “My full name is a bit of a tongue twister.”
“Let’s hear it,” Victoria said.
“I’d rather not.”
“Come on,” Victoria said. “It can’t be that bad.”
“Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein.”
Victoria giggled.
“Yeah,” I said. “Book agents I queried laughed too. ‘Good luck selling books with that moniker pasted on the cover!’ they said.”
“You’re a writer?” Victoria asked.
“I was,” I replied. “I used to be. I stopped. I’d like to try it again. It’s complicated.”
“Well, pleased to meet you Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finkelstein,” Victoria said. “I’m Victoria Gloria Somersby Stratenhaus.”
“Seriously?” I asked.
“Seriously,” she replied. “But you can call me Vicky.”
“OK,” I said. “And you can call me Ed.”
“So tell me, Ed, why did you stop writing?”
“Um,” I said. “I’d rather hear about this video game fixation of yours.”
“Oh,” Vicky said. “Long story short, I used to design video games.”
I felt my heart skip a beat – in a good way. I was in the company of a fellow artist.
“That’s amazing,” I said.
“Yeah,” Vicky replied. “Have you ever heard of Sweet Destroyer?”
“Of course,” I said. “I used to have a mild addiction to it.”
“Most people do,” Vicky said. “I had an entry level job inputting the code that made the sweets shift around. It didn’t pay much, but at least I was working in the field I loved.”
“Why’d you leave?” I asked.
“The guy I was dating at the time dumped me,” Vicky said. “Said he wanted a woman who was more grounded, down to earth, not living with her head in the clouds.”
“He wanted a girl who preferred a bland life over daydreams about video games?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Vicky said. “How’d you know?”
“Just a wild guess,” I said.
“So I gave up on video games and went to business school,” Victoria said.
I broke out in a cold sweat. Vicky’s story was hitting too close to home.
“Got an MBA,” Vicky continued. “I figured there was so much competition in the video game industry that I might as well try my hand at a more practical career.”
“How’d that work out?” I asked.
“The best I could do was a job at Drying Paint Media,” Vicky said. “America’s Number One Producer of Drying Paint Videos.”
This episode of BQB and the Meaning of Life brought to you by Drying Paint Media
“Drying Paint Videos are in high demand?” I asked.
“Sure,” Vicky replied. “People who buy paint want to know how its going to look on their walls when it dries. Pretty boring work though.”
“At least you’re producing videos,” I said. “That has to involve some creativity, right?”
“No,” Vicky said. “I don’t even get to do that. I’m just the assistant to the assistant of the vice-president for corporate assistance.”
I felt like I was going to faint.
“Are you alright, Ed?” Vicky asked.
“Yes.”
“Your face just turned as white as a ghost,” Vicky said.
“Yeah,” I said. “I’m….I’m not really a fan of air travel.”
“Me neither,” Vicky said as she stood up. “In fact, excuse me for a moment, I have to go powder my nose.”
I sat back in my seat. I smiled. I felt my heart burst.
Finally, I met someone who could relate to what it was like to be me.
I was feeling euphoric.
And then that feeling came to a grinding halt when I heard two muffled British voices coming from inside my bag.
“Holmes, I don’t think this is a very good idea,” one of the voices said.
“Watson, stop being such a ninny!” the other voice replied. “Simply grab a pair of headphones when Mr. Battler is not looking and then we can revel in the comedic genius that is Pootie-Tang!”
Wow. A big reveal – Bookshelf Q. Battler’s real name. A juicy piece of information that our hero’s enemies would love to get their hands on. Thank God only 3.5 people read this damn thing.
Join us next time on BQB and the Meaning of Life!
Copyright (c) Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015. All Rights Reserved.
Images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.
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