Tag Archives: romance

Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – Can a Non-Sucker Date a Sucker and Not Suck?

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker/Anti-Suck Expert Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and if the world is a suck pony, then I’m riding it to the nearest non-suck stable.

Perhaps you’ve read one of my many fine self-help books, guaranteed to help you defeat your suckitude:

This Suck Ends Now!

Suck It, Suckers!

The Non-Suck Mindset

#StopSucking

Suck Your Last Suck

The Last Sucki

Suck Street Blues

You Don’t Suck as Much as You Think

Hate the Suck.  Love the Sucker.

I’ve helped kings and queens, paupers and poets alike, drop their sucky habits and now I’m here on BQB’s blog to teach you 3.5 suckers how to mend your sucky ways.

Here’s the latest missive from a reader in need of my anti-suck advice:

Dear Vinny B.,

Thanks to all your books, I stopped sucking.  Believe.  I used to suck real bad.  I used to sleep all day, party all night, freebase cookie dough, and get in fights with department store Santas for being too fat.  After I woke up in Vegas having given my life savings to a hirsute prostitute named Edwina, I decided, no more.  I read all your books, completed your program and now I am a bona fide non-sucker.  I have the certificate from Vinny B’s Online College of Anti-Suck Studies to prove it.

It’s been years since I’ve sucked now.  My life doesn’t suck at all.  I’m rich.  Handsome.  Good looking.  In great shape.  The world is my oyster.

Unfortunately, I fell in love with a woman who sucks.  Like, really bad.  She seemed great at first, but after the initial honeymoon phase wore off, I got to know the real her, warts and all, and boy does she suck.

The sucky highlights:

  1.  Farts regularly.  Keeps a notebook where she ranks her farts on a 1-10 system based on length, depth and bass.
  2. Wears only sweaters featuring bedazzled kitty kats.
  3. Kicks homeless puppies for fun and sport.
  4. Projectile vomits on me three times a day.
  5. Writes Firefly fan fiction.
  6. Has attempted to sell me into the underground world of international sex slavery no less than 17 times.  You’d think after the first time I woke up in the all male harem of a wealthy Arab prince, I would have learned better, but fool me once, fool me a bunch more times.
  7. Eats all my cookies.  I was saving those.

My family says as a non-sucker, I can do so much better, but I love this sucky woman so much.  Can a sucker and a non-sucker ever find true love together?

Sincerely,

Confused in Chicago

Boy, Confused.  Your dilemma sure does suck.

But you know, it’s not uncommon amongst former suckers turned reformed non-suckers.

There’s two answers to your question.  Yes and no.  I know, that answer sucks, but let me explain.

On the one hand:

You used to suck.  Then you did the hard work to not suck.  You walked the long non-suck path.  You climbed the tall non-suck tower.  You sailed through the ocean of suck to the land of non-suck on the other side.

You don’t suck anymore.  And that’s the best.  Non-suckers who earn their non-suck have the sweetest non-suck because they appreciate it more, having conquered the non-suck journey.

After all that work, you deserve someone who does not suck.  And statistics show that the couple who doesn’t suck together, will stay together.

You don’t suck and you need a non-sucker to reinforce your non-sucky habits.

Non-sucker couples spend their days exercising.  Going to yoga classes.  Drinking tasty, nutritious fruit juices.  Shopping for window treatments and entertaining the elderly with their own ukulele covers of popular songs.

Meanwhile, sucky couples sell their butts for cocaine, watch reality television all day, kick the elderly and steal their social security checks and overall, they smell very bad.

Is it possible for a sucker to love a non-sucker?  Sure.  You know why you do?  Empathy.  You used to suck.  You will always remember how it felt to suck.  Ergo, you feel bad for the suckers of the world.

However, no one ever said that not sucking is easy.  Therefore, you have to abandon the sucky before they suck you down into their world of suck and turn you back into the sucker you worked so hard to stop being.

Is it possible for a sucker and a non sucker to sustain a long lasting love?  Sure.  Practical?  No.  When you want to run a marathon, she’ll want to set ants on fire with a magnifying glass.  When you want to write a sonnet, she will want to knock over a liqour store.  When you want to paint a painting, she’ll want to burp stirring renditions of show tunes.

If it works, you’d have to be the rare couple who compartamentilizes their relationship.  When she wants to suck, she’ll have to go somewhere and suck on her own.  When you want to not-suck, you’ll have to not suck on your own.  Can she come and sit back and cheer you on while you don’t suck?  Maybe.  But it would take the rare sucker who wouldn’t be jealous of your non-sucky ways.

I don’t think it’s possible and my advice would be to tell this sucker to go on her own non-suck journey.  Maybe buy her all of my anti-suck books, available wherever books that don’t suck are sold.  You never know.  Losing you might be the catalyst she needs to walk over the coals of suck fire to reach the promised land of non-suck.

Whatever you do, don’t let her drag you back to the world of suck.  Suck is something you only escape once and the more you get pulled back into it, the less likely it becomes to escape it again.

Thanks for the letter, Confused.  Until next time, this is Vinny B saying good luck, and don’t suck.

 

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In Case You Missed It – Stuff You Shouldn’t Buy Your Girlfriend for Christmas

Hey 3.5 readers.  I know, if you are reading this blog you are probably single but if you ever do get a girlfriend, here is some stuff you should not buy her for Christmas.

Female readers, let me know if I am right.  Do you want any of this stuff for Christmas?

 

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Baby, It’s Cold Outside – Super Politically Correct Modern Version

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HER: I really can’t stay.

HIM: That’s cool, you’re free to leave at anytime.  You’re a strong, independent woman in charge of your own agency, capable of making her own decisions and if remaining here is not your wish then I bid you adieu.

HER: I’ve got to go away.

HIM: No problem.  There’s the door.  Right there.  Good evening.  Drive safely.

HER: This evening has been…

HIM: I’m sorry, but I see you’re lingering.  Would you mind signing this memorandum indicating that you remained on the premises even though I distinctly said you were free to leave and I in no way impeded your exit?

HER: …so very nice.

HIM:  Don’t mind me.  I’m just going pull out my phone so I can stream us on Facebook live and, ok, here we are.  Hello, everyone.  Shout out to all my followers.  I just want to show the world that I’m being a total gentleman and I am not keeping this strong, independent woman from leaving.  See?  Right there’s the door.  Nothing is blocking it.  I’m all the way over here.  She’s free to go whenever she chooses.

HER: I ought to say, “No, no, no, sir!”

HIM: You have and I respect that.  Just a reminder you are more than welcome to walk out the front door and I will not interfere in any way.

HER: At least I’m going to say that I tried.

HIM: Yes, and as loudly as possible I am telling all 257 of my Facebook friends that I am trying to make sure that you are aware you are free to vamoose.

HER: My mother will start to worry.

HIM: Hold on, I’m going to get on my landline because I’m one of the last few people ot have one of those and I’m calling your mom and, “Hello Her’s Mother how are you? Him here.  Say, just wanted to clue you in on the situation. Her is fine. Totes fine. She’s here. I’m being totally respectful and I would never keep her here against her will.”

HER: My father will be pacing the floor.

HIM: You know, it dawns on me that maybe you aren’t leaving because you don’t have cab fare.  Now, please don’t take that the wrong way. I understand you are a very powerful, strong, independent woman who earns her own living and doesn’t need a man to pay her way but please, my treat, let me call you an Uber on my account and we’ll have the driver take you home or anywhere you want to go.  By the way, I will also pay a private detective to run a full background check on the driver and I will hire two armed guards to accompany you in case anyone tries to touch you during your ride.

HER: My sister will be suspicious.

HIM: Nope, she’s fine.  Hi, sis!  Thanks for friending me.  See?  Your sister’s A-OK. Hey I’m just going to step outside myself and I don’t even care if there’s 6 feet snowdrifts out here I’m just going to step out here on the front porch and, ah, that’s better! There we go! Now you’re safe in the house, and I’m out here so as to avoid the appearance of impropriety.  No one can say anything unsavory happened if you’re in there and I’m out here.  See that, Facebook? Everything’s totally legit.

HER: My brother will be pacing the floor.

HIM: I’m just going to send my carrier pigeon to your brother with a note in his beak informing him that you’re fine and if he or any of your other family or friends would like to come over and verify that you’re OK, they are welcome to come here and do so.  Away you go, pigeon! In the meantime, I will keep speaking to you through the open door but I will remain outside in these arctic conditions so that you remain safe.

HER: Your welcome has been…

HIM: Oh thank god, it’s a police officer out on patrol! Officer!  Yoo hoo!  Would you be a pal and stand next to me to verify that I am not doing anything to harm this strong, independent female and Her, just an FYI if you feel unsafe I’m sure this officer would be willing to escort you past me just, again, to be on the safe side.  You can never be too careful.

HER: …so nice and warm.

HIM:  Shit!  She won’t leave.  Let me get on the phone again.  Hello?  Ajax Public Relations Firm?  Look, there’s going to be a huge story about me tomorrow and we need to get ahead of it ASAP.  Cancel all your business. I’m putting you on retainer because it is going to be blasted all over the inter webs and I’ll need your full staff ready and waiting to field press inquiries 24/7. I want to tell you right up front I did not lay a hand on this strong, powerful woman and in fact, I streamed our entire evening on Facebook from outside the house while a police officer was present and what?  Well…no, of course I’m not calling her a liar!  I’m not saying that tomorrow, she might believe that something bad might have happened, I’m just saying that I will not be the culprit.  What?  What do you mean that’s as good as calling her a liar?  No, I don’t believe all women lie.  Yes, I believe all women…

HER: So really I’d better scurry.

HIM: Officer, if you’d be so kind as to handcuff me and yes, there we go.  My hands are now restrained behind my back.  Officer, if you wouldn’t mind to use my phone to keep the Facebook stream going.  Wait, let me shout to my neighbors.  NEIGHBORS! COME OUT AND BE MY WITNESSES, PLEASE!

HER: But maybe just a half a drink more.

HIM:  Oh no.  There’s no alcohol here, ma’am.  I’m not implying that you, as a woman, would somehow be prone to abusing alcohol or that women should not feel free to imbibe, I’m just saying I do not keep alcohol in the house so as to prevent a situation where a woman might become inebriated because then she would be in a state where she could be taken advantage of.  You are welcome to get some tap water but please keep your hand over your drink at all times as you never know when someone might slip a mickey into it.

HER: My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious.

HIM: That’s fine.  See? My neighbors came outside so I have over a dozen witnesses on the scene who can testify I did no wrong here.

HER: But maybe just a cigarette more.

HIM: I’m sorry, there’s no smoking allowed here.  By the way, it just dawned on me that maybe you are not leaving because you fear reprisal if you do.  Please rest assured that no harm will come to you, should you decide to leave.  There will be no harm done to you at any time in the future, whatsoever.  I will not say anything bad about your reputation and we don’t work in the same field so I have no power to get you blacklisted or drummed out of your profession and you know what?  I’ll put this in writing.  Let me just write this down.  OK.  Here’s a fully binding legal document indicating you are free to leave and there will be no repercussions for doing so and I will not interfere with your livelihood if you go and hey?  Isn’t one of my neighbors a notary?  Fred, you’re a notary, right?  Cool.  Fred just notarized this.

HER: You’ve really been grand…

HIM: By the way, just now, I wrote that all behind my back.  I trained on how to write while handcuffed just for occasions like these.  Her, it now dawns on me maybe you’re not leaving because you think you want to engage in voluntary sexual congress with me right now but perhaps thirty to forty years in the future you will regret having sex with me and will consider the act a violation of your person.  It just so happens, one of my neighbors is a fortune teller so I’m just going to let her…

MADAME OLGA: By the light of the full moon, I gaze my eyes upon the wonders of my crystal ball and I look forward into the mists of the great beyond.  Oh spirits, tell me if sex that happens today will be appreciated or despised in four decades time.

HIM: You know what?  Cut that, Olga. I’m just going to refuse to participate in any sex at all.  You hear that, everyone?  I refuse sex.  There is absolutely no way to tell if this woman, who has gotten all naked and is lying spread eagle on my bearskin rug, licking her lips and beckoning me to come hither with her finger whilst a bright, flashing neon sign points to her vagina that says, “OPEN FOR BUSINESS!” Yes, to the untrained eye, it looks like this strong, independent woman desires sex but there’s no way to know for sure.  Anyone could have put that sign there.  I’ll just decline.  Fred, draw up a legal memorandum indicating my declination of any and all possible sex acts this evening.

HER: But can’t you see?  Baby it’s cold outside…

HIM: Oh my god!  She’s coming this way!  Quick, officer!  Shoot my dick off!  I beg of you! I don’t want to be declared the next sex pervert du jour on the inter webs tomorrow! Please!  Shoot my dick off!  I beg you!

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Witch Pickup Lines

It’s that time of year.  You’re attending a Halloween party and you see a fly ass green hunny who you just gots to knock big belt buckled boots with.

Let BQB show you how it’s done with his Top Ten Witch Pickup Lines.

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In Case You Missed It…Is Your Girlfriend a Ninja?

Lady ninjas.  They’re everywhere and men, they’re probably in your sex life.  Sure, your girlfriend pretends that she works in some normal occupation by day but rest assured, she’s a ninja by night.

Not convinced?  From April 2016, here’s a list of warning signs to look out for.

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#FridaysWithBQB – Interview #6- Sydney Everson – Young Adult Novels, Children’s Books and Sweet Romance

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Author Website

Hey 3.5 readers. Your old pal Bookshelf Q. Battler here. Today’s guest on #FridayswithBQB is Sydney Everson, a writer of children’s books, young adult novels and sweet romance. She’s also a recovering lawyer who ditched the old rat race to focus on the more important things of life, namely, raising her son and concentrating on writing.

Seriously, readers. Take your elbows off the tables and suck in your guts, there’s a respectable lady present.

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QUESTION #1 – Sydney, welcome to my blog. My apologies. It’s a mess around here. I’d pick up, but honestly, I don’t want to. You seem too good of a person, much better than the usual pack of vagrants who hang out around here, so I’ll try to get you on your way as quickly as possible.

We first virtually met on Twitter when we had a quick little chat about concentrating on one writing topic. I don’t recall what exactly was said, but generally, we were talking about how it’s not the best idea to deviate from one idea to another. A certain amount of stick-to-itiveness is required to get the job done, even when you’ve been working on an idea a long time and feel the need for a break.  It may seem satisfying to scratch that itch of a new project, but you’ll never get your old project done if you do.

You’ve completed several projects. What keeps you sticking to it?

ANSWER – I know the temptation well – you’re working on your baby, this book idea you’ve fully developed and thrown yourself into writing, but now you’re editing, you’re on draft two or three, and it’s starting to become a slog. Out of the blue, a bright, shiny new idea comes along to tempt you. It’s so fresh and exciting and you want to start on it right away. For me, I know if I chase the “shiny” I’ll never come back and finish the current project, I just won’t have the motivation anymore. But I do want to keep this nascent, fragile spark of an idea alive for when I can work on it, so I make notes. I start a new file where I jot down the ideas that come to me for the next book – plot, scenes, characters, anything that comes to mind, I jot it down and save it. Meanwhile, I keep plugging away at the current project and when it’s done, I’m ready to start on the “shiny” and already have some headway made.

QUESTION #2 – On your website, you mention you’re a member of a writer’s group in your community. Personally, I despise most people and prefer to live the life of a hermit rather than converse or share my thoughts and/or feelings with anyone. Also, I just feel I am a genius who is so intelligent that people with lesser brains could never possibly tell me anything I don’t already know, and I say that with all humility.

But, for all the normals out there, would you recommend joining a writer’s group as a means to share ideas, get feedback, stay motivated, that sort of thing?

ANSWER – Absolutely, but it may take a bit of “shopping around” to find one that’s the right fit for you. If you go to one and aren’t feeling it, don’t force yourself to keep going, but don’t give up either. Try to find another, or start your own! I’ve been to meetings of a few where I knew those just weren’t for me. Whether it was the writers’ personalities, differing goals, or even just different ideas about what the group’s purpose was, they weren’t a fit, but I’m currently in two that I love. In one group, the writers have become very good friends and are a wonderful source of support and advice. The other is a critique group which I find very helpful. Sometimes the advice is good, and sometimes it’s not, but the main thing is, by writing for it once a month, I’m forcing myself to step out of my current project for just a moment and knock out something short, quick, and creative. I find that really helps reset me sometimes and get the creative juices flowing again, especially when I’m in editing mode on one of my projects. So I guess the short answer is yes, they can help you stay creative and they can support an author’s journey to publication, but you have to find the right group for you and your goals.

QUESTION #3 – Let’s talk about young adult fiction. I don’t care for that genre myself. I mean, seriously, all these kids running around with zero life experience yet somehow they manage to save the day in the end, while leaving time for blossoming romance? Seems unrealistic to me as these kids aren’t worried about paying mortgages or credit card bills or finding the cheapest yet most effective brand of hemorrhoid medication. Don’t even get me started on what it takes to get a good life insurance policy these days.

Oh, wait a minute. I think I figured out why I don’t like young adult fiction. It’s because I’m an old adult and after a lifetime of seeing every dream I ever had flushed down the crapper, the idea of a happy ending seems like fiction to me.

You seem like a better adult than I am but still, is it hard for an adult to turn off that “adult” switch in order to put him or herself into the shoes of young characters? How do you do it?

ANSWER – I think there are a number of reasons adults enjoy young adult literature, both reading and writing it. The themes in YA lit are often ones we “adults” still struggle with, like figuring ourselves out and why we’re here, what we’re meant to be doing with our lives. I’m [censored]-ty years old and yet in some ways, I’m still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Even as adults, we’re not stagnant. We change, adapt, and evolve based on our experiences and the people we meet in life. The heroes and heroines of YA lit are doing the same. The things they struggle with are not exclusive to teenagers – acceptance of self and others, expressions of our individuality, issues with our families or friends, how we handle crises, etc. Those aren’t just kids’ issues, adults wrestle with them too.

Also, I think there’s an element to youth we as adults want to experience again through literature, and that is this sense of possibility. Do you remember getting in a car with your friends when you were seventeen or eighteen years old on a weekend evening and feeling like literally anything was possible –adventure, love, who knows what, but the whole world was out there and anything could happen? It’s an amazing feeling and one adults get to relive through books. Let’s face it, at my age, if I go out for an evening my friends, I know will have a glass of wine, be home in sweats by 9:30, and wake up tomorrow with a wine hangover from that one glass of chardonnay. Through YA lit, I get to relive that magical sense of open-ended possibility.

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: I prefer to eat a bag of Chips Ahoy alone while watching old re-runs of “The Golden Girls.”  Blanche is such a card.  I’d invite friends over but then I’d have to share my cookies and I don’t want to.  I’m at an age where I value cookies over friends.  Also, I have no friends.

QUESTION #4 – You also write children’s picture books. What advice do you have for a writer who wants to get into that genre?

ANSWER – This is one I’m still trying to figure out. A lot of people think knocking out a quick picture book is easy because it’s so short, but it’s actually incredibly difficult. You have to get an entire story across in very few words and do so with heart, humor, whimsy, and, oh yeah, you might need to write the whole thing in verse. That’s insane. I’d suggest doing some research first. Publishers create picture books in fairly rigid formats, so your words and pictures may need to fit a predesigned layout of, for example, thirty-two pages. It’s a good idea to create a “dummy” layout and see how your wording fits.

QUESTION #5 – Suppose you want to write a children’s book but you have zero artistic skill. You’ve got the words planned out, but how do you go about getting the artwork? Collaborate with a designer? Are there resources out there for writers who need some illustrations for their picture books?

ANSWER – Many picture book publishers want to have the flexibility to choose the illustrator to go with the manuscript they like, so I’d say if you aren’t an author-illustrator, which I’m definitely not, you probably don’t need to worry about finding an illustrator and pairing up before you submit to a publisher as the publisher may want to choose their own illustrator. If you do want to team up with an illustrator though, a great place to start is the Society of Children’s Books Writers and Illustrators (SCBWI). They are a wonderful resource.

QUESTION #6, Part 1 – I’m toying with the idea of writing a children’s picture book called “Get a Job and Stop Being a Terrible Financial Burden on Your Parents.”

Page 1 = Mommy and Daddy fighting over bills.
Page 2 = Kid gets a job as a bus station janitor.
Page 3 = Kid gets a job as a short order fry cook.
Page 4 = Kid gets a job as a bus driver. How he got a license I don’t know.
Page 5 = Kid gives his hard earned money to his parents who don’t have to worry about bills anymore.

The End.

Do you think I’d make a mint with that book or should I not quit my day job

ANSWER – Haha, sounds good to me! You never know what will find the right market and appeal to people. I mean, Adam Mansbach and Ricardo Cortés’s book, “Go the F*** to Sleep” was a huge hit, so who knows?

QUESTION 6, Part 2 – OK. There was actually a method to my above madness. You probably have to have a special source of optimism to be a children’s book writer, right? I assume you have to think positive thoughts and bottle up joy and happiness and distill that onto the page? Cynical schmucks like me shouldn’t apply, but how do you do it? How do you beam so much positive reinforcement out there into the world?

ANSWER – I’m a big fan of escapism. The real world can be a hard, depressing, difficult place to live sometimes, in fact, rather often, so escaping into a book either through writing or reading, is a wonderful thing. I love creating worlds people can escape into and feel love and joy, and while there’s usually some peril, I always deliver a happy ending. We don’t get enough of those in real life.

QUESTION #7 – Let’s talk about your foray into the genre of sweet romance. Personally, I’ve never experienced a romance that didn’t end with a woman spending zero amount of her time with me while she spends one hundred percent of her time with fifty-percent of my stuff. I should have hired you to be my lawyer. You could have talked those women down to forty-five percent of my stuff easy.

But I digress. For those of us who are romantically challenged, please explain what the sweet romance genre is. Bonus points if you tell us what inspired you to get into it as a writer.

ANSWER – Sounds like you may need a little of that escapism into a sweet romance too! Sweet romance is basically just a love story without things getting steamy. (Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with steamy, I have several good friends that write awesome love stories with plenty of heat). For me though, sweet romance is kind of like the Disney version of love stories, where in the end, the characters realize they are in love and seal it with a kiss. I think the fun is in the falling. I love stories that bring characters close, but then pull them apart until they finally come together in the end. I jotted down ideas for romances for a while, but never wrote them out until I learned that Hallmark was starting to publish sweet romances in the vein of their Hallmark Channel movies. I’m a not-so-closeted addict of Hallmark Channel’s movies so I decided I had to give it a try! Whether ultimately Hallmark likes my sweet romance manuscripts, or another publisher does, or I self-publish remains to be seen, but I definitely enjoy writing them.

QUESTION #8 – I notice on your website you mention you are querying many of your projects. How’s that process going and what advice do you have for anyone out there trying to do the same?

AMAZON – Well, the website implies I’m continuously querying when really it’s more in fits and starts unfortunately. I tend to finish a project, send out a handful of queries, and then follow that “shiny” I talked about earlier. In my eagerness to work on the next project, I tend to neglect querying a bit so if I give advice here, it’ll be something I need to learn to take myself. Writing is so much more than writing, it’s plotting, outlining, editing, querying or self-publishing, and marketing and every author knows how difficult it is to find time for all of that.

Nevertheless, it’s important to make time to get your work out there if you want to be traditionally published. No one’s going to publish your book if you don’t ask. So ask, and keep asking. Rejections are a part of the process. I would be shocked if there is any published author out there who hasn’t been rejected at least once, most get rejected many times. But it just takes one – one agent or editor who believes in your story and will champion it so that it gets into readers’ hands. I’d recommend researching successful query letters, find a format that works for you, and research agents, making sure they are a good fit for your story. Manuscript Wish List is a great site for finding agents who are looking for books like yours. Then keep at it! (I’m talking to myself here too).

QUESTION #9 – Have you ever thought about self-publishing? Ever since I made a whopping 12 cents off of a book I self-published, I have become a self-appointed ambassador for the self-publishing industry, trying turn as many converts as I can. Come on over, the water’s fine and Jeff Bezos is passing out entire cents like candy! “One of us! One of us! Gooble, gobble, one of us!”

AMAZON – Definitely. I have quite a few author friends in the self-publishing world. I’m watching what they do very closely to try to learn what works and what doesn’t as far as marketing. My goal right now is traditional publishing, but self-publishing offers a lot of perks so I am definitely not ruling that option out.

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: Since conducting this interview, I made another staggering, astounding, earth shattering 35 cents!  So many cents!

QUESTION #10 – Sadly, every author who submits to an interview on this poor excuse for a blog must explain how he/she would escape a scenario of doom using three unlikely items. Don’t worry, one day you’ll have an entourage who will keep you away from such nonsense. Until then, here’s your scenario:

You’re riding a train to wine country because, who wouldn’t? Wine country is fabulous this time of year. Suddenly, the lights flicker off. When they’re turned back on, you learn that everyone who had been sitting in your general vicinity was a werewolf the entire time, and they’re looking at you like you’re a fresh bowl of kibble.

You reach under your seat, hoping to find a weapon but alas, you find a) a half-full can of spray-on silly string b) a rolled up poster featuring the grim visage of Vegas crooner Wayne Newton and c) a tin of Altoid mints.

How will you use these items to extract yourself from this fury feeding frenzy?

ANSWER – I’m on a train full of wine-loving party animals headed to wine county. This isn’t as dire as it may seem. First, I’ve been noticing two of the passengers, now revealed to be werewolves, eyeing each other throughout the trip so far, so I give the mints to one and suggest he make his move. I do enjoy a good love story after all. That takes care of two of them. Then I spray silly string on my jaw like mutton chops and hold up the Wayne Newton poster to indicate that I’m clearly one of them. I mean, with those sideburns, was there really ever any doubt about Wayne? They’re warming up to me, but not yet convinced, so I offer to pay for their wine tastings which puts them in a cheerful mood and then I distract them with a heated debate over which is better, oaked or steel-casked chardonnay? They take the bait, follow the “shiny,” and before the day’s out, we’re all half wine-drunk, best of friends, and invited to the wedding of the cute were-couple on the train. See, aren’t happy endings great?

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: I’ve run this answer through my supercomputer and it has determined a 94.8% chance of success, so well done.  Werewolves love wine country and Wayne Newton is a werewolf.  Surely, that explains his longevity.  You heard it here first.

Fun fact, this is the second time an interviewee on this blog has escaped a doom scenario using a sticky novelty substance and a celebrity photo.  Readers may remember Robert Bevan used spray cheese to paste a photo of Bea Arthur to his face in order to scare away a cavern full of monsters.  Read more about that tried and true sticky situation extraction trick here.

Thank you for stopping by, Sydney, and 3.5 readers, if you enjoyed this interview which, frankly, if you twist my arm and ask me to brag about my interviewing skills then I’ll tell you this puts anything Barbara Walters ever did to shame, then be sure to give our guest a shout out on Twitter.  “One of us, one of us…”

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Is Your Man a Shirtless Alpha Male from a Romance Novel?

Umm…did you ever notice how women always talk about how they want men to be kind and sensitive and that they despise macho bastards and that women are so evolved and it’s so wrong when men judge women based on their appearance…and then what’s on the cover of every romance novel ever?

A shirtless alpha male…with big ass muscles.

Control yourselves, ladies!  Click here to read all about how to figure out if your man is a shirtless alpha male from a romance novel.

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Shh! Your man is a mime!

He’ll pay attention to you as soon as he leaves his invisible box.

Until then, check out this BQB top ten list.

 

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Are You Dating a Reality TV Star?

Hmm…dating a celebrity seems like it would be fun…until the cameras start rolling.

Is your girlfriend’s life being documented for the drama factor?

Only this BQB Top Ten List can help you find out for sure.

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