Tag Archives: romance

Daily Discussion with VGRF – Should VGRF Get Back Together With BQB and Return His Blog?

Hey 3.5 readers.  Happy Valentine’s Day.

Video Game Rack Fighter here.

Sigh.  I suppose BQB’s love song got to me.  All of a sudden I’m missing his neediness and feeling bad that I have left him with no other place to live other than a tiny motel room where he has to spoon with Leo McCoy, the Man Who Once Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek.

Then again, if I let him come back he’ll just pee on the toilet seat again.  Plus, I have come to enjoy being a blog proprietor.  And it has been a blast to have custody of you 3.5 readers.

Thoughts?  What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Hello…Is It BQB You’re Looking For?


Dear Video Game Rack Fighter,

Your old ex-boyfriend BQB here.  I know our divorce agreement called for me to be shot out of a cannon aimed directly at the sun if I ever post on this fine blog ever again, but it’s Valentine’s Day and I can’t help myself.

These past few weeks spent spooning with Leo McCoy in the Random Motel have really provided me some perspective, namely, that I love you and also that I won’t even pee in the toilet anymore so as to avoid causing a fight due to poor aim.  I will just pee outside with Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog from now on.

Anyway, I met Lionel Ritchie at the Random Motel.  He was staying there because, well, he doesn’t have much to do lately.  He helped me write this love song in your honor.  Hope you like it:

Hello…Is It BQB You’re Looking For?

I’ve been alone with you inside my HQ
And when Leo McCoy spoons me, I don’t know what to do.
I sometimes use the Yeti as my throw rug on the floor.
Hello, is it BQB you’re looking for?
I can see it in on the blog
I can see it in the web hits
You want to go back to your video games.
You don’t want none of this.
And I want to tell you so much, I love you.
I long to see you turn on your gaming system.
And watch you kick back with a game of Car Thief Mayhem.
But all I do now is tell Leo McCoy, “No!”
Hello!  I don’t want to spoon with him no mo!
Cause I wonder what Bookshelf Q Battle Dog is up to.
Is he being a good dog.Is he watching over you?
Tell me how to win back my blog, it would be a miraculous feat.
But let me start by saying…I’m sorry I peed on the toilet seat.
Is it BQB you’re looking for?
Cause I wonder about my 3.5 readers, and what is on their minds.
Are they still even reading this blog?  Are they tired of this grind?
Tell me how to win back my blog, oh that would be a miraculous feet
But let me start by saying I’m sorry I peed on the toilet seat.

P.S. Also I love you and so forth.

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Top Ten Things to Do on Valentine’s Day If You are Single


Hey 3.5 readers.

VGRF here.

Ahh, Valentine’s Day.  That day of the year where couples celebrate their love, and single people wallow in their misery.

Have you got no sweetie to canoodle with on this February 14?  No worries.  From BQB HQ, now VGRF HQ, in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Things You Can Do on Valentine’s Day If You Are Single:

#10 – Cry

It’s natural.  It’s healthy.  It pushes toxins out of your system.  Have a ball while having a ball.  Personally, I won’t cry over…<sniff sniff> that loser BQB…<sniff>.

#9 – Hug Your Cat

Video Game Rack Fighter Cat is my fluffy valentine.  If you don’t have a fluffy valentine, maybe there’s one at the pound who would love to be yours.

#8 – Eat Lots of Ice Cream

Preferably, with the cat under one arm and the spoon in the other hand thus to maximize the total possible amounts of cat snuggling and scooping of ice cream into face hole.

#7 – Fart Freely

You’re single.  You have no one to offend.  Let ’em rip.

#6 – Foil a Super Villain’s Plot to Take Over the World

There’s always a super villain up to no good somewhere.  Also, not gonna lie, foiling a super villain is a great story to tell on a date.  You’ll definitely have a valentine next year if you foil a super villain’s plot.  Then again, I have foiled several super villain plots and I am dateless this year.  Harrumph.

#5 – Drunk Dial Exes

Pretend to be a telemarketer just so they’ll talk to you again.  Or just be quiet and listen to them breathe.  Better yet, load up Lionel Ritchie’s Hello and press play when your ex answers.

Nothing convinces an ex that they goofed up big time by letting you get away than calling them a bunch of times and having Lionel sing, “Hello…is it me you’re looking for?”

Oh wait.  They weren’t looking for you.  That’s why they are exes.  Scratch this plan.  Don’t call your exes.  You are better than this.

#4 – Invent a Fake Valentine

Send yourself roses and chocolates at work.  Sign the card from “A Secret Admirer” or pick a swarthy name like, “Ricardo Montalban.”  Just make sure no one in the office is a fan of Fantasy Island.

You’ll know the swag is from you, but your office co-workers will at least assume someone wants a piece of what you’ve got.  Enjoy the compliments all day.  Eat the chocolate and cry all night.

#3 – Declare Yourself a Jehovah’s Witness for a Day

All holidays stink because the only one we should be celebrating is Jesus.  Why are you idiots celebrating Valentine’s Day when you are too stupid to concentrate on a love related holiday and remember to love Jesus at the same time?  Bunch of dummies.

Renounce your new faith on February 15 or what the heck, you could hold onto it until St. Patrick’s Day if you prefer.

#2 – Build a Sex Robot

I took a tour of BQB’s super secret science workshop and between you and me, he has tried to make a whole ton of sex robots.  None of them work though.  They’re hot robot babes, but all they want to do is wash your hair and give you a pedicure.  BQB is the worst robot programmer ever.

#1 – Go to that Place Where That Person Said They’d Meet You

Remember when your old flame said, “If neither of us have found anyone in X number of years, then meet me at such and such monument or famous public place.”

Have X number of years passed yet?  Better get over to that place then.  Then again, you could just punish that dirtbag for not being with you when he had the chance and stand him up while you watch TV and snuggle with your cat and ice cream carton.

Are you a single person?  No, seriously, you probably are if you are reading this blog, but you know, I didn’t want to just insult you by automatically assuming.  If you are sans date this year, how will you spend this holiday?

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Daily Discussion with BQB – How to Make Up After a Fight

Sad times at BQB HQ, 3.5.

Video Game Rack Fighter and I just had a big fight.  Terrible.  Awful.  I heard new swear words I had to look up in a dictionary.

I mean, I don’t want to cast blame but it was totally her fault.  I think it is ok to say that in a blog post because only 3.5 people read this blog.

Any ideas on how to make up with a woman who is mad at you?  Until then, I guess I’m sleeping in the Bookshelf Battle Basement with Bookshelf Q. Battledog and the Yeti.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Top Ten Gifts You Shouldn’t Buy Your Girlfriend for Christmas

Oh joyous Yuletide.  This is the time of year for couples to take a moment to let each other know how they truly feel about one another.

But men, no matter how loudly your girlfriend may shout her lack of interest in material possessions, if you leave a junky gift under her tree on Christmas Eve, then your tree will be incredibly lonely in the new year.


From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Gifts You Shouldn’t Buy Your Girlfriend for Christmas:

#10 – Blender, Mixer, Iron, Washing Machine, Other Household Appliances

Hmm.  A dilly of a pickle here.  If she’s actually expressed an interest in a particular appliance, then go for it but only, ONLY if you also get her something else awesome in addition to said appliance.



WOMAN:  I love to bake!  Baking is my life!  I wish I had an electric mixer so I could make more cookies!

MAN:  Here’s a mixer…

WOMAN: I hate you!

MAN: And a pair of ridiculously expensive earrings!

WOMAN:  I don’t hate you as much now!


WOMAN:  I never bake.  What the hell is this mixer for?  Are you trying to imply I should be a subservient kitchen slave, that my only purpose in life is to bake cookies to shove into your hideous, misogynistic caveman suckhole?!

MAN:  Um, it was shiny and on sale?

WOMAN:  Sleep on the floor forever!

Remember, in either case, and especially in the latter case, the household appliance should not be THE ONLY gift.

Come to think of it, even in the case where she REALLY wants that mixer (i.e. cooking/baking is her life and she keeps Rachel Ray on her DVR), you might want to wait until January just in case.  Make it look like you were just being thoughtful and it had nothing to do with Christmas.

Actually, you know what, just get her a bag of diamonds and a pony and a tiara and then if she really wants you to get her a household appliance of any kind, tell her that she’s going to have to submit that request in the form of a signed, notarized in triplicate letter.  Two impartial witnesses of upstanding moral character will also be required to confirm in a video that she asked for a household appliance.

#9 – That Damn Tub of Three Flavored Popcorn

It’s the ultimate gift you get when you get invited to a party held by someone you sort of like, but don’t really.

You know, I’m talking about that guy who you’re like, “Eh I’ve known him a long time so I don’t want to skip his Christmas party but if he gets hit by a bus tomorrow I’m not taking a day off for his funeral.”

Stores put these addictive snack canisters right out front over the holidays because they’re cheap and allow you to say that you cared enough to bring something to the party.

And yes, you did bring something to the party…THE GODDAMN HARBINGER OF THE EBOLA VIRUS!

People love popcorn.  Especially the cheese corn.  Or the caramel corn.  Or maybe you’re a buttery traditionalist.  Either way, by the end of that party, a minimum of five hundred and ninety seven hands are going to be shoved deep inside the bowels of that tub.

Statistically speaking, it will be highly unlikely that any of those hands will be washed, thus that three flavored tub of popcorn with Santa’s face on it will turn into a petri dish filled to the brim with bacteria, germs and contagion.

Bottomline – you don’t want to bring this tub to your worst enemy’s home, let alone your girlfriend’s humble abode.  Also, since those tubs usually don’t cost more than five bucks if that, your babe is going to think you are a big time cheapskate (as soon as she’s done being treated for popcorn induced Ebola virus).

#8 – Gift Cards

Yeah, I get it.  You realized this is all just one big giant mind game, so you flipped over the board, scattered the pieces all over the room and decided not to play anymore.

“Here babe.  I pay just enough attention to know what your favorite stores are but not enough to know what you’d want.”

Essentially, this is borderline treating your gal like a prostitute.  “Here’s a down payment on another year’s worth of nookie.”

I’ll just throw it out there though.  If you are confident that the gift you actually put time and effort into selecting will pass muster, than tossing in a gift card might sweeten the pot enough that she might (I stress might) forgive you if the actual gift you got turns out to be all wrong.

(SPOILER ALERT: Your gift will no doubt be wrong no matter what).

At any rate, like that mixer you got your baker girlfriend, a gift card can’t be the only gift.

#7 – Perfume

This is a real roll of the dice.  If she’s always raving about a fancy perfume, you might get her a bottle…but know how your girlfriend’s mind works (I know, that’s like asking a man to know how the atom is split or how the universe came into being, but give it your best guess).

Imagine yourself giving your girlfriend the perfume.  If you honestly can’t imagine her taking this gift as a sign that you think she stinks like a back alley dumpster, then go ahead and get her that trendy bottle of Eau du Ooo la la.

Otherwise, you might want to just skip out on this one.

#6 – Fitness Equipment

Exercise bikes.  Treadmills.  Weights.  Elliptical machines.  Even if she is a fitness nut and a professional athlete, she’ll beat you within an inch of your life if she comes downstairs to find a gift shaped like a paper wrapped stationary bike under the tree.

Seriously dude.  You might as well just hand her a card that reads, “I think you are a big fatty fat fatty so lose some weight or my magnificent junk and I are taking our business elsewhere, fatty.”

MEN: But BQB, she actually asked me for an exercise bike.  She feels this would help her with her regular fitness routine.  She’s even made a point of printing out information about her top bike choices for my perusal.

And I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn I’d like to sell you for a song, you big league sucker!

Do not buy your girlfriend fitness equipment, even with a signed, notarized in triplicate request letter, and even if she holds a gun to your head unless you want to be dumped like yesterday’s trash.

MEN: But BQB, if I don’t get her the exercise bike she asked for, she complain about it on Christmas.

“Honey, this diamond encrusted necklace is lovely but you forgot my exercise bike.”

Yes, she might hit you with that, but in that case, just tell her that you are an idiotic dumb ass man and all the various bells and whistles on the bikes were much too confusing so you got her a diamond encrusted necklace instead but you plan to take her to the bike store at her convenience so she can select her favorite one.

Why will you take this approach?  Because you’ll never win with fitness equipment, even with specifically asked for fitness equipment, but you also won’t win by pointing out that she’d be mad about getting fitness equipment because (follow me here) in the moment when she does not get fitness equipment, she doesn’t realize she’d be mad if she got it.  She would only actually get mad if she got it.  Since she didn’t get it, she just assumes you are a buffoon that didn’t listen to her.

You’re not getting out of this without some kind of black mark on your boyfriend record, but trust me, “buffoon” is better than the beating you’ll take after all her girlfriends work her up when they have a cry-in session and burn effigies of you while they take turns cursing your name and your decision to buy her fitness equipment for Christmas.

But if she doesn’t bring it up, you don’t bring it up.  (Just throwing it out there. That’s good advice on literally everything that will ever happen throughout your entire relationship).

#5 – Framed Photos of the Two of You

Adorable and says you really love the idea of the two of you together, but it can’t be the only gift.  If you decide to get this as one of many gifts in order to show you’re a romantic or something, be sure to pick a photo of her that she likes.  She must have said no less than three times that she likes the photo in question before having it printed and framed.

#4 – Electronic Equipment of Any Kind

Women don’t give a shit about giant TVs and HD TVs and HDMI cables and Xboxes and so on.  (Well, my Video Game Rack Fighter does but she’s a rarity).

She will instantly see this for what it is…a gift for you.

Speaking of…

#3 – Gifts That Are Really For You

Yes, it would be awesome to be the proud owner of an ATV or a jet ski or one of those frigging jet packs that you can take to a lake and user water to fly, but if you see yourself using it more than she will, then it is a gift for you and she will see through this.

Lingerie will also be considered a gift for you.  Unless she’s a Cinemax actress (that joke worked better in the 1990s) she probably doesn’t walk around in lingerie all day or think that putting on a skimpy outfit that involves 900 straps and snaps is particularly comfortable and/or a benefit to her wardrobe.

#2 – Animals

Personally, I’ve noticed a lot of women like animals.  Cats.  Dogs.  I’ve met a lot of women who are really into enormous, two-hundred pound dogs and whenever I meet such women I want to dress up like Dr. Freud and sit them down on my couch and get them to admit that they are really into enormous dogs because they see gigantic dogs as obedient men they can love and punish at will and on their own timetable.

Hmm.  That theory actually deserves a post on its own.  At any rate, don’t get your woman a pet.

First, maybe she doesn’t like pets.  If you give a person who doesn’t like pets a pet, they’re going to think, “Well, why don’t you just take a giant dump on every square inch of my home and save me the trouble.”

I mean, if she really, really, really wants a pet then you could get her a pet but again, you’re going to need the notarized request letter.  Otherwise, when the pet inevitably turns out to be a crazed, psychopathic furniture humping rug pooping nightmare beast, she will go on and on about “your brilliant idea” to buy a pet and all those times when she made googly eyes at that proverbial puppy in the window will be long forgotten.

In either case, whether she’s a pet lover or a pet hater, whether the pet was her idea or yours, you will be the asshole walking that furry little pooping machine at 3 a.m. in the middle of a rain storm so…just keep that shit in mind before you get that pet.

#1 – Jewelry, Flowers, or Anything, Really

You’d think jewelry or anything traditionally girly would be a safe bet but even this will most likely be frowned upon.  It might be your safest bet, but she’ll just view you as lacking imagination.

Come to think of it, that brings me to…


Yup.  There’s no way to win here.

Men are simple, logical creatures.  Want to make us happy?  Bake us a cookie and touch our disgusting nether regions once in a blue moon and we’ll be happy.

Sure, some of us like to rant and rave about how if only our current girlfriends weren’t holding us back, we could be with women who would bake us cookies and touch our disgusting nether regions 24/7 but literally only ten men in the entire world are handsome and/or wealthy and/or intelligent enough to actually make that shit happen in real life.

The rest of us have just given in to the grim reality that if we take enough abuse for long enough, our women might let us get a pity boob honk in once per presidential administration.


1996: Bill Clinton – “I feel your pain.”

HUSBAND: Can we uh…

WIFE: (ROLLS EYES): Ugh, I guess so.

2000 – George W. Bush – “Strategery!”

HUSBAND: Think it might be time to uh…

WIFE: Ugh, just get it over with.

2004: George W. Bush – “Mission Accomplished!”

HUSBAND: Babe, isn’t it time to…

WIFE: Yeah, yeah just keep the light on so I can read my book.

2008: Barack Obama – “Hope and Change.”

HUSBAND: I hope to change that uh…

WIFE: Yeah, whatever.

2012: Barack Obama – “Look, here’s the deal.”

HUSBAND:  Look, here’s my…

WIFE: Ugh!

2016: Donald J. Trump – “Grab her by the…”

HUSBAND: What say I grab that…

WIFE: You’ve grabbed enough for twenty years, pervert!

At any rate, women are mysterious.  They have no idea what they want but they feel you should.  You can’t get them nothing.  You have to get them something.

But just keep in mind that whatever you get will be wrong.

Get her a house?  The shutters are the wrong color.

Get her a car?  She wanted a different one.

Get her an island?  She wanted an archipelago.

Damn women and their love of archipelagoes.

The point is that if you at least avoid the obvious pitfalls like fitness equipment, kitchen equipment and tubs of popcorn, then you have a small (very small) chance of preventing Christmas from turning into World War III.

Just do what I do every year.  I just lie down under the tree and curl myself up into the fetal position and when Video Game Rack Fighter comes downstairs, I throw my wallet at her and shout, “Please! Please! Just get yourself something and free my mind from this virtual hell!”

It totally works…to an extent.  Like I said, perfection is impossible and therefore should not be your goal.  Just try to do as little damage to your ability to get your disgusting nether regions touched once every four years.

Four more years!  Four more years!  Four more years!

3.5 readers, do you have any ideas on what to get a woman for Christmas?  Discuss in the comments.

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Is it Better to Have Loved and Lost?


Hey 3.5 readers.

A real noodle scratcher for you.

Do you think that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?

Allow me to submit the rare counterargument to this tired old cliche:


I know.  You’re all like, “But BQB you can remember the good times!”

Yeah, but our human minds and spirits are weak and we inevitably question ourselves over and over again on what we could have done differently in order to have not lost our love.

That’s torture the psyche just doesn’t need.  Thus, all those late nights spent wondering what you could have done to have made your ex happy aren’t worth all of those memories of holding hands and going on long walks on the beach with your ex.  If anything, those memories make you feel worse.

Ergo, I posit to you 3.5 readers that…

it is better to have never loved than to have loved and lost.

Argh!  Oh no!  BQB went against the grain!

Yup.  That’s me.  Fight the power, baby.

What say you, 3.5?

(Special thanks to the Yeti for letting me out of my cage long enough to write this).


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I’m Thinking About Becoming Amish


Hello 3.5 Englishes,

Your old pal BQB here.

So check it out.

I’m thinking about becoming Amish for the following reasons:

#1 – Too much stress.  Too much technology.

That’s two reasons. Too much stressful technology? OK now it is one.

Cell phones were a great invention but really never should have evolved other than you have a device you can use to call someone and ask for help if you find yourself in a jam.

YES – “I’ve run my car off the road and need help!”

NO – “Hello this is your boss. I know you are on vacation but I need to talk to you on the phone right now while you are sitting on the toilet in the bathroom of a Tijuana Señor Frog’s.”

3.5 READERS: But BQB what about your blog?

Good riddance, infernal blog! Who needs you? Always pestering me to update you just to entertain 3.5 readers.

NOTE: I’m just kidding. I love you blog and 3.5 readers.

#2 – Health – Diet and Exercise

Have you ever seen a fat Amish guy? No!

Why? First they’re always exercising. But they’re not going to gym like assholes and running around on a treadmill like a goddamn hamster on a wheel are they?

No. They are not. They are raising barns and churning butter and planting crops and so on.

Shit actually happens when they exercise.

Wait. You know what? Up until like 1950 people didn’t even think to call strenuous activity “exercise.” They just called it “doing shit.”

Here’s what people were like:

CHESTER: Hey Bob! You doing some shit on your farm?

BOB: Sure am, Chester. I’m doing all this shit on my farm, then later I’m going to pickup some heavy shit and move some shit and dig up some shit and plant some shit. You off to do some shit of your own?

CHESTER: Of course. Gotta get to my farm where I will also do a ton of shit. In fact, I got a long ass fuckin’ walk to my farm and I’ll tell you even that wears the shit out of me. But once I walk to my farm I’m going to do a lot of shit.

BOB: Boy howdy, doing shit sure does keep you from becoming a fat fuck doesn’t it?

CHESTER: What’s a fat fuck, Bob? I’ve never seen or heard of one before.

BOB: I think I saw one in a picture book once. Some egghead scientist theorized that if people ever stop doing shit they’ll get really fat.

CHESTER: Aint that some shit?


But now we’ve got cars and computers and gadgets and shit so a lot of the heavy lifting is gone.

Second reason why you never see a fat Amish guy – they’ve got good diets.

Seriously. They don’t have Amish McDonalds. They no quiero Taco Bell. They don’t have processed foods.

You know what their food process is? They pull a damn carrot out of the ground and shove it in their suck hole and then if they want a steak they cut it off the ass of the cow that has been their family friend for years.

That in and of itself would get me to stop eating meat and become a vegetarian.

I love steak and burgers, but only as long as some nameless butcher in some factory somewhere is hacking the cow to pieces somewhere far, far away where I never see it.

If I have to hack the cow up then I’ll just eat carrots instead. I’m not going to bond with Bossy the cow and then be all like, “I’m hungry so time to die, Bossy.”

And I love chicken, especially chicken tenders and chicken nuggets…but not enough to wrap my hands around a chicken’s neck and strangle the ever loving shit out of it until I watch all of that chicken’s hopes and dreams fade from its eyes as the last bit of its life force exits its feathery carcass.

No thank you. Fuck that. Pass the broccoli.  And no matter how many reports I get that broccoli is good for you, I will never forego red meat and chicken meat in the name of broccoli unless I’m Amish.

#3 – Romance Simplified

Oh my God.  Dating is such bullshit.

Just arrange my marriage when I’m five.  Or you know what? Just let me choose.  The one in the bonnet or the other one in the bonnet.

And let her choose too. This isn’t Communist Russia.  Let her choose between me, the one in the beard and the hat or the other one in the beard and the hat.

I’m sure there is a modicum of bullshit that enters into Amish dating.

“Oh, I was going to marry Ezekiel but Jedediah has raised far more many barns!”

But that’s fine. I’ll just raise a lot of barns. At least then I know what to do. Here in the modern world women get mad at you and you never know why and even they don’t know why.

But in Amish world its simple. You just haven’t raised enough barns and you need to raise some more and then you will be able to get your hands on an Amish babe’s sweet, sweet ankle.


So that’s it.

Those are my three reasons.

I want to be Amish so I can kick technology to the curb, exercise more, eat less and eat more nutritious food and impress women by raising barns.

What say you, 3.5 readers? Am I on to something here? Do you want to become Amish with me?

Who’s down?


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BQB’s Badass Writing Prompts – Part 2 – #11-20


Writing prompts that will muster your gusto and flummox your failures:

#11 – The Love Triangle

Molly posts a special announcement on her preferred time wasting social media site.

She announces that she is engaged to her boyfriend Doug.  She also posts pictures of herself and Doug, along with a close-up of the sparkly diamond that Doug got her.

Molly’s friend/social media follower Kate is confused because Doug sure looks a helluvalot like Steve, her fiancé.  Even worse, that diamond ring looks a lot like the ring that Steve gave her three months ago.

Kate has been beside herself with woe as of late because she thought she had misplaced said ring.

Or did she?  What’s going on?

#12 – For God and Country

Super spy Dex Reynolds is on a mission to retrieve a set of stolen nuclear launch codes.

The only one who can tell our hero where the codes are is an octogenarian cougar by the name of Wrinkles Houlihan.

Wrinkles corners Dex in his boudoir and pops out her dentures.  She removes her oversized rubber underpants and on cue, a bat flies out.

Will Dex take one for the team or will he allow the nuclear codes to remain in the hands of Wrinkles’ master, the evil fiend Dr. Mean Face?

#13 – Killer Doll

Phil moves into a new apartment.  The rooms are bare save for an old, goofy looking doll with googly eyes and stringy yarn hair.

Recently divorced and feeling down, Phil laughs when he sees the doll and decides to keep it on his mantle in the hopes that it will bring him good luck.  He even gives his new friend a name, “Patches” due to the green patch sewed into the doll’s blue pants.

Weeks later, a series of murders occurs in Phil’s new neighborhood.  Every day, Phil turns on the TV only to discover a new report detailing the gruesome murder of one of his neighbors.

Oddly enough, each day, Phil notices that Patches appears to be in a different place on the mantle.  Assuming that he is just seeing things, Phil shrugs it off.

Days pass.  The murders continue. Phil is always in a different place.

Phil continues to believe he is nuts for suspecting the doll, but just to be safe, one night he tosses Patches into his fridge, shuts the door, and goes to bed.

The next morning, Phil wakes up to discover his fridge is open, his doll and all of his beer are missing, and the local news channel is reporting yet another murder.

What is Phil to do?

#14 – Kung-Fu Granny

While walking through the park one day, a mugger attacks you and your beloved granny.

You throw your hands into the air and tell the muggers to take whatever they want.

Granny, on the other hand, throws down her walker and gives the punk a taste of her sweet ass martial arts moves.  Kicks. Flips. The works.

How did granny acquire this skill and why did she never tell you about it?

#15 – Intergalactic Inequality

In the hopes of discovering a planet that does not suffer from racism, a diverse group of human explorers take to the stars in search of a more open minded planet.

They find Quimbo, a lovely, resource rich planet.  The Quimboners (look, that’s their name because words mean different things on different planets so get your mind out of the gutter) invite the space explorers to stay.

The Quimboners are humanoids.  They are tall, have tough, scaly skin and walk on two feet.

More interestingly, they come in every color of the rainbow.  Purple, red, blue, white, black, green, gold, orange and so on.

“I can’t believe on your home planet humans are mean to one another based on skin color,” King Quimbos, Supreme Ruler of All Quimboners and He’ll Thank You for Not Poking Fun at His Name or Title.

“Yes,” Major Krumpert, leader of the space explorers, replies. “We are so glad to have found a planet where racial discrimination does not exist.”

“It certainly does not exist here,” King Quimbos says. “Since the dawn of time, the Kuimboners have all gotten along, regardless of color. Why, the idea to not like our fellow Quimboners based on skin color never popped into our minds.”

“Glad to hear it,” Major Krumpert says.

The King and his royal guard take the space explorers on a tour of capital city.  While out and about, the space explorers notice a series of signs:

  • Butts not allowed.
  • Butt free establishment.
  • If you have a butt you’re not welcome here.
  • Hey hey, ho ho, Kuimboners with butts have got to go.

“What gives?” Major Krumpet asks as he points to one of the signs.

“Oh,” King Quimbos says as he rolls all three of his eyes. “Our species evolved thousands of years ago to the point where we no longer need butts.  Our bodies take only the energy that is needed out of food and then the rest spontaneously combusts without adding fat or excrement.”

“Amazing,” Major Krumpet said.

“Yes,” King Quimbos replies. “But alas, not every Quimboner was lucky enough to evolve. Quimboners with butts are dirty vermin, always ruining everything with their wretched butts. Those, they are second-class citizens, not welcome in any respectable establishment and forced into lives of involuntary servitude.”

Major Krumpet and his team all break out into a cold sweat.

“Why?” King Quimbos asks. “You all don’t have butts, do you?”

How does Major Krumpert extricate himself from this sticky situation?

And will the Quimboners with butts ever know justice and equality?

#16 – Hubert the Talking Dolphin

Billy swims too far out to sea but luckily is saved from certain death by drowning by a plucky talking dolphin named Hubert.

How did Hubert learn to talk?

What adventures will Billy and Hubert get into next?

#17 – Bubble Bubble Toil and…Aww, You Know the Rest

A coven of hag witches wants to cook up a spell that will make them beautiful and desired by all men.

What ingredients will they toss into their cauldron to make it so?

#18 – Upside Down

The year is 2150.  The world has been conquered by a crazed cult known as “The Foot Hand Front.”

That’s right. They believe that man was meant to walk on his hands and manipulate objects with his feet.

They pass laws to that effect. No one is allowed to walk on their feet anymore.  All personal movement must be done by using hands as feet.

Will the citizens of the world stand (on their feet or their hands or with any body part) for this?

If so, why?

If not, expound upon the ensuing revolution. Who will be the heroes of the “Walk on Your Feet” movement and what will their victories be?

#19 – Super You

Congratulations. You are now a super hero.

What will your super power be?

What will your costume look like?

Who will be your side-kick?

Will you have a fancy car, plane, motorcycle or other awesome conveyances?

What about high-tech gadgets?

Whether real or make believe, what will the city you protect be like?

And finally, who will be your super villain? (Muah ha ha ha!)

#20 – Love at First Sight

Do you believe in love at first sight?  If so, write a scene where two strangers meet for the first time. What is the setting and what is it that causes them to fall in love?

If you don’t, what about a short story in which two people meet and over time, they grow to love and need each other? What series of circumstances would cause their love to grow over time?

And how much time would it take?




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A Movie Observation – Older Men and Younger Women

Hey 3.5 readers.

I’ve seen three movies this week.

I know. I have no life.

But here’s what I noticed:

The Accountant – Ben Affleck and Anna Kendrick – not sure of the age difference, Anna is in her thirties and Ben’s in his forties so I’ll guess maybe ten years or so.

Jack Reacher: Never Go Back – Cobie Smulders is in her thirties. Tom Cruise is in his fifties.

Inferno – Tom Cruise is sixty and Felicity Jones is in her early thirties.

Older men. Younger women.

I’ll say from the outset, in all three of these movies, the men and the women don’t boink.

Oh sorry. SPOILER ALERT- they don’t boink.  Sorry, I ruined it if you were hoping they’d boink.

There’s some minor flirting between Cobie and Tom, a suggestion maybe they’d hook up in a relationship if their lives weren’t so chaotic.

Ben’s character is autistic and troubled and probably wouldn’t know what to do with a woman though he finds some happiness just from talking to and opening up to Anna’s character.

Robert Langdon and Dr. Sienna Brooks have nothing more than a professional relationship. He’s a professor in trouble and she’s a doctor who decides to save him. There’s no love interest and SPOILER ALERT Langdon pines, in a first for Hollywood, for a woman his own age.

But its something I noticed just because it happened in three movies in a row.  Maybe its something. Maybe its nothing.

These movies probably aren’t even good subjects for the conversation since the men and the women only work together.

But it led me to a question – does art imitate life? Does life imitate art?

I’m speaking generally here but here’s my understanding of men and women:

  • Men seek pretty women because they make them feel important and powerful, life if they walk into a room with a hot babe on their arm them everyone must think that dude is awesome because he has snagged a hot babe.
  • Women aren’t slouches when it comes to wanting a hot dude but they also want a rich, successful dude.
  • Attractiveness is a young person’s game and success takes so much time that it is an old person’s game, ergo, you end up seeing a lot of older men with younger women on screen because Hollywood suits decide this is what people want. The older, successful men want that arm candy. The women want a man that doesn’t live with his mother and can pick up a check.

Am I right?  Am I wrong?

I don’t know.

I could be reading too much into it.

Much of it also involves the plot.

For example (just assume SPOILERS for all three movies and don’t read on if you don’t want them spoiled) in the Accountant, Anna plays a junior accountant who finds a discrepancy in the books that leads to a major conspiracy being uncovered.

So in that case, Ben as the more experienced accountant (and professional assassin in his spare time) has to help the younger accountant out of the jam she finds herself in.

OK.  It fits the plot.

And then in Jack Reacher you have a female Navy Major Turner who’s been through some shit and the ex-military policeman Jack who has been through some shit and if you don’t factor in their ages and consider that Tom is better preserved that most fifty year olds so perhaps he’s playing a younger character…yeah ok, the idea of those two ending up together isn’t that out of the ordinary.

And as previously mentioned, Langdon, like Hanks, is, well its rude to say old but older and Dr. Sienna is younger but the idea of a romance is never broached so I suppose if you start making rules then you could never have a movie where an older and a younger person team up against evil.

I have no idea where I’m going with this other than I wonder if I’m right or wrong – do women prefer old men who are successful and are willing to over look their saggy, wrinkly balls as long as they are loaded?

Do men prefer attractive women as long as they…nah I’m not going to finish that question we know the answer.

But I’d again reiterate I don’t think there’s a plethora of women out there who prefer ugly men and I should know because I am super ugly and I don’t think that I’d suddenly get a lot of babes if I were to become super rich and super successful because the women wouldn’t be able to get over my ugliness.

Oh and also Video Game Rack Fighter has sunk her hooks into me and she is a keeper as she ignores my ugliness and lack of success.

Discuss, 3.5 readers.

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Reblog: Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Zombie

In case you missed it, 3.5 readers, or in case you are worried that your girlfriend might be a zombie.


Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Zombie

Oh, who am I kidding?

If you’re reading this blog you don’t have a girlfriend (Womp womp womp womp waaa).

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