Tag Archives: romance

Is Your Man a Shirtless Alpha Male from a Romance Novel?

Umm…did you ever notice how women always talk about how they want men to be kind and sensitive and that they despise macho bastards and that women are so evolved and it’s so wrong when men judge women based on their appearance…and then what’s on the cover of every romance novel ever?

A shirtless alpha male…with big ass muscles.

Control yourselves, ladies!  Click here to read all about how to figure out if your man is a shirtless alpha male from a romance novel.

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Shh! Your man is a mime!

He’ll pay attention to you as soon as he leaves his invisible box.

Until then, check out this BQB top ten list.

 

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Are You Dating a Reality TV Star?

Hmm…dating a celebrity seems like it would be fun…until the cameras start rolling.

Is your girlfriend’s life being documented for the drama factor?

Only this BQB Top Ten List can help you find out for sure.

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How to Pick Up a Witch

You’ll get those witches, my pretty, and then you can tell all your dawgs too!

For some reason, my post about witch pick up lines is popular.  Apparently, there are lots of dudes out there trying to find a witch.  So ladies, if you dabble in the occult, know that there are eligible bachelors out there looking for you to cast a spell on them.

Here’s my list of top ten witch pickup lines.

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Is Your Girlfriend a Steampunk?

Does she wear a top hat?  Does she speak in a cockney accent?  Does she use modern tech that looks like it was built during Victorian times?

Sounds like she is, but this top ten list can help you know for sure.

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Top Ten Last Minute Gift Ideas for Your Girlfriend this Valentine’s Day

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Ahh, Valentine’s Day.  That day that you don’t want to screw up, for if you do, your source of vagina, er I mean your beloved lifelong best friend and companion, will go on lockdown.

Have you been too busy reading this fine blog to buy a gift?  From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are my top ten last minute ideas:

#10 – Household Appliances – If 1950s advertising has taught me anything, it’s that you’ll be a hero in your household for getting your wife a dish washer, clothes washing machine, basically anything that will make less work for her around the house and frankly, you’re a good man for not being a stickler and making that lazy bitch clean clothes and dishes the better, old way of demanding that she put all that dirty shit in a sack and drag into down to the river and then spend three days washing it all in the river water and drying it all on a rock.

Make sure you let her know that you’re being a good guy by helping her out here.  “You know, honey, Mr. Tiddlybonker across the street makes his wife carry all the dirty clothes to the river…”

#9 – Money – Chicks dig money.   Oh, and if you don’t have a wife or girlfriend, I’ve heard that money can buy you a prostitute…so, rent a valentine!  (Don’t do it you’ll go to jail and be a bad man’s valentine).

#8 – IOU Coupons – Free backrubs, free this, free that.  Hand drawn.

#7 – Penis.  Consensual penis only.  Seek written, notarized, witnessed and videotaped consent.  Just to be sure, make her take a lie detector test while she’s consenting.

#6 – Karate lessons.  Once she’s a blackbelt, she can karate chop all of the unwanted, non-consensual penis.

#5 – A lifelike dummy replica – She can put this out and it will take all of the unwanted, unsolicited, non-consensual penis attacks while she goes about her daily business.

#4 – A song.  Write her a song.  Sing it.  If all else fails, sing your words over a Boyz II Men track.

#3 – Cake.  Women love cake.

#2 – Russel Stover heart shaped chocolate boxes.  Only squeeze 70 percent as you look for the one you want.

#1 – A poem.  Her eyes are like the ocean, her smile is like the sun…chicks love that shit.

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Are You Dating a Wannabe Rapper?

Yo, yo, yo, what up ladies?

BQB in the hizzy fo shizzy.

Are you dating a wannabe rapper?

Only this BQB top ten list can help you know for sure. Or rather, fo sho.

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Is Your Girlfriend a Russian Spy?

Lot of talk about Russian spies in the news lately, 3.5 readers.  Is your lady an agent for the Kremlin?

Only this handy top ten list can let you know for sure.

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Douche Shark 3 – The Passion of the Douche Shark – Douchey Things to Say to Shark Babes

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By: Douche Shark, the World’s Douchiest Shark

Yo…yo, hey bro.  Bro…hey!  Hey yo, bro!  Don’t swim away from me, bro.  I’m talkin’ to you, bro.  Don’t be rude bro.  Don’t be rude.  Come on, swim on back.  No, I’m not talkin’ to you 3.5 readers.  I’m talkin’ to my douche shark buddy behind you.  Don’t worry, he aint gonna eat you 3.5 bros.  He don’t snack on stank meat.  What?  What’d I say?  Aw come back 3.5 human bros.  Fine, I’ll talk to you too.

Bros…check it out, bros.  The ocean is filled with fine ass lady sharks ripe to be caught, and here are some things that a sexy douche shark like me will say to bag those sweet lady fins because as much as they say they don’t, lady sharks totally like douche sharks bro.  They do.

Nice sharks finish last bro.  You ever see a nerd shark bang a lady shark bro?  Cool, I rest my case, bro.

OK bro, study up because here’s what you got to say to a lady shark to make her wet…I mean beyond the ocean she’s already living in:

#1 – Yo baby, come back to my shark crib and we’ll listen to some Pitbull.

Dale, bro.  Dale.  Lady sharks love Pitbull, bro.  Dale, dale, dale.  Sip cristal, bro.  Mr. Worldwide, bro.

#2 – Come back to me when you aren’t fat, baby.

Oh what, bro?  What?  This isn’t hurtin’ bro.  It’s helpin.’  How a lady shark gonna know she needs to stop eatin’ extra swimmers bro?  She needs you to tell her to cut back on eatin’ humans bro.  You’re not tellin’ her you won’t bang her, just that you’ll bang her once she’s not fat anymore.  Now she got like a reason to lose weight.  All the sweet shark sex you’re offering is gonna motivate her, bro.

#3 – Baby, you were hotter when you didn’t talk.

Lady sharks are meant to be seen and not heard, brosef.  Sometimes you got to remind the lady sharks of this, bromax.

#4 – Are you the hottest of all your lady shark friends?

You can’t be bangin’ the least good lookin member of the lady shark, bro.  You’re limitin’ yourself if you do, bromandu.

#5 – Where’s my dinner, baby?

Bro…no bro.  Stop rollin’ your eyes, bro.  Look, lady sharks are forgetful.  When they forget to make your dinner you got to remind them bro.  Again, any attempt to help a lady shark be the best possible lady shark she can be will be appreciated, bro.  She’ll be glad you reminded her and whip up some dinner right away, preferably with extra human swimmer meat.

LEAVE YOUR COMMENTS, BROMARAMS!

Aight, bros.  I’m outtie 5000.  You’re so welcome I dropped by, bros.  You really are.  I’mma gonna go work on my shark delts and my shark quads and then go eat seven or eight people then pick up some lady shark hotties.  You got any comments, bro?  Let me know but put on some shark Axe body spray first because you all stink, 3.5 bros.

 

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