Tag Archives: romance

Movie Review – Home Again (2017)

Ugh…why did I waste my time on this stinkburger?

Oh, I know.  Because the East Randomtown Cineplex was all sold out on “It” tickets.

BQB here with a review of the poopfest that is “Home Again.”

If I wanted to write a parody of a romantic comedy, I would start with some vapid, surface level characters – beautiful people with beautiful people problems.  They’re rich and successful but they’re still sad because, I dunno, they’re not getting rich and successful in the exact way they’d like to be.  And they’re hot and attractive and have lots of dating options but can’t quite decide, out of the large pool of people who want to bang them, who to bang.

I’d add some boring, long drawn out conversations – a lot of “tell” instead of “show” and presto – a perfect romcom parody.

“Home Again” has all that and more.  Had they added a laugh track, it would have been the comedic event of the fall, poking fun at all of the romantic comedy tropes but alas, the rub is, this was a serious attempt at a romantic comedy that just fell flat.

Other than about an hour too long, I’m not sure what this movie is about.

The set-up is that Alice Kinney is a newly separated mom who has just moved her two kids to LA to live in the sprawling LA estate left to her by her wealthy Hollywood director father after his passing.  Oh, and her mother is a retired movie star played by Candace Bergen.  But the fact that Alice is rich and the offspring of Hollywood royalty is completely glossed over.  She’s struggling really hard to start her own interior decorator business and her client, played by Lake Bell, is being mean to her, and somehow you’re supposed to feel bad for Alice even though she’s rich enough that she could tell Lake to eat a bag of dicks if she wanted to.

During a 40th birthday celebration, Alice parties and meets three dudes.  They’re aspiring filmmakers including Harry, Teddy, and George (Pico Alexander, Nat Wolf and Jon Rudnitsky.)

The dudes are on the verge of a major movie deal – and you’re supposed to feel sorry for them because Hollywood suits are totally screwing with their artistic vision, even though, you know, we normal people, if offered any kind of Hollywood deal, would gladly suck a bag of dicks for it and let the suits know they can feel free to shit on our vision as much as they want as long as they back up the money truck to our houses.

Feeling sorry for the dudes because they have no place to stay, Alice allows the boys (all twenty somethings) to crash in her guest house.  Over time, a romance blooms between Alice and Harry.

It’s complicated because Alice hasn’t quite resolved things between her ex, Michael Sheen.  And Alice’s daughters start to get attached to the dudes, seeing them as quasi-uncle type figures.

At this point, the whole thing meanders and farts around, leaving the audience unsure as to what the hell is going on, what the point is, or if there even is one.

Perhaps the point is that older women shouldn’t feel ashamed if they fall for younger men.  Younger men shouldn’t necessarily even feel ashamed if they fall for older women.  Maybe age is just a number and as long as everyone is an adult of consenting age, then who cares?

The problem is at no time is that issue ever really explored.  A friend of Alice’s points out that older men go for younger women all the time so why shouldn’t Alice do the reverse?  True, but keep in mind that men are led by their boners while women are led by a desire for security.  Thus, an older man can hook a young babe as long as he’s willing to be treated like a human cash machine.  An older woman can snag a young guy as long as she’s still hot.

Reese is still hot, so it’s not like Harry’s really putting his ass on the line.  Further, at one point in the film, Alice goes on a date with a “man her age” and the 40 year old man is presented as a bald, bearded, unemployed, bumbling oaf.  The rub seems to be that women like to complain a lot about how men see them as objects and kick them to the curb when they get older even though its not their fault that time robs them of their beauty. The date with the “man her age” is presented as though Alice is really going to be fucked if she can’t make it work with Harry, otherwise she’ll have to settle for a bald old piece of shit even though, I mean, yeah it’s not like that fucker could have a brain or a heart or a soul because fuck him hair stopped growing on his head.

Men should stop pretending like older women can just will their knockers to not be saggy anymore.  It would just be great if women could stop pretending like older men could will hair back on top of their bald heads.  Let’s just all agree that time fucks us all over real good and agree to be nice to one another in spite of it, OK?

At any rate, the whole issue of May/December love between a young man and an older woman could be explored.  It raises a lot of questions.  What if Harry wants kids?  Alice already has two and she might not have much time left to have another.  Will Alice’s health decline before Harry’s?  Will Harry spend his prime years taking care of a sick old lady?  Harry may be a pretty boy but he has some depth.  He wants to succeed on his own.  Will it be too easy for him to just let Alice take care of him?  Oh wait, she’s a struggling decorator and you’re supposed to ignore her massive house.

What about Alice?  Will Harry understand her point of view when he didn’t live during the time period she grew up in?  Will he be able to understand her in any meaningful way?  Will a woman who has been through it all ever be able to see a babe in the woods just starting out as her true equal?

Getting some answers might have made the movie great, but all of that is glossed over.  Instead, we are offered a rather lazy excuse of a breakup.  A Hollywood hotshot keeps Harry in a meeting to make his movie for a long time, causing him to miss some shindig Alice invites him too.  She’s pissed and feels unloved so she dumps the lad, even though, you know, the average guy watching the movie is like, “Um but he’s in a meeting to make a movie and that like never happens so give the guy a break.” Thus, all of the older woman, younger man issues are left on the floor, unexplored.

So then I thought the point of the movie might be that it is possible to cultivate happiness out of a non-traditional family.  SPOILER ALERT – the film ends with Alice happy to be around the three dudes who are just going to be her friends and he ex-husband who is just going to be her friend.  In true Hollywood style understanding of a relationship, Alice will just be everyone’s friend forever, content to have nothing more out of her young suitor or her ex-husband, and I dunno, I guess she’ll just spend the rest of her life looking for that special romance where the guy shoots fireworks out of his ass and everyday is Mardi Gras.

That’s always been the problem with rom coms.  They just don’t play well in Peoria.  It’s love as understood by Hollywood people who have it all and can afford to navel gaze about their love lives well into eternity.

As for the rest of us, some tired old trailer park broad isn’t going to relate to a rich bitch who dumps a guy because he came home late from his once in a lifetime movie meeting deal.  Maybe if Harry had coldcocked Alice in the face because she drank the last beer and ragged on him for being unemployed, then you know, the average trailer park movie viewer might understand.

The rest of us in the real world gave up on perfect love long ago.  Just give us someone who we’re 95% percent sure isn’t going to stab us in our sleep and they can attend as many late movie deal meetings as they please.

STATUS:  Not-shelf worthy.  I took one for the team and saw it so you don’t have to.  Seriously, don’t take your date to this.  If I were a woman and a man were to take me to this movie I would give him no pussy.

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Is My Girlfriend a Witch?

First, I’m not asking that about Video Game Rack Fighter.  That woman is a Saint with the face of an angel.  At least I think she is.  She’s been playing Car Thief Mayhem for three weeks straight without a break not even for the bathroom. She just pees in a coffee can.

Second, just pointing out one of the top web searches leading people to this illustrious site is along the lines of “Is my girlfriend a witch?” or “my girlfriend is a witch” or “how to tell if your girlfriend is a witch?”

Listen bros.  I’m not relationship expert, but if you have to ask…

Anyway, in case you missed it, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Witch:

https://bookshelfbattle.com/2016/05/04/top-ten-warning-signs-your-girlfriend-might-be-a-witch-2/

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Bitches be green, y’all.

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BQB’s Classic Movie Reviews – The African Queen (1951) (And What It Taught Me About Love)

An oldie but a goodie, 3.5 readers.

In WW1 era Africa, British Methodist missionaries/brother and sister Sam and Rose Sayer (Robert Morley and Katherine Hepburn) run a religious village in Kungdu.  Alas, fighting breaks out between the Germans and British and then Germans will have nothing English in the region they control, so they burn the settlement down.

Sam dies from the shock of it all, leaving Rose with no one to depend on other than Charlie Allnut (Humphrey Bogart), a gruff, gin soaked riverboat captain who occasionally stops by to deliver the settlement’s supplies.

Charlie agrees to deliver Rose to safety on his junky boat, the African Queen.  The two are the original odd couple.  Charlie swigs booze and uses coarse language, much to the dismay of prim and proper, super religious Rose.

At first, the two hate each other.  Charlie looks at Rose as a pampered woman who wants to boss him around and make stupid moves that could get them killed, that she’s basically always been cared for and could never fend for herself so she should pipe down and let hnm be in charge.

Rose looks at Charlie like he’s a shaved baboon, that he can’t stop swigging gin for two seconds and he’s probably a pervert who wants her lady parts even though she’s covered in like twenty layers of clothing despite the hot African sun.

By the mid-point of the movie, the duo braves crocodiles, killer bugs, river rapids, murderous Germans and through it all, they start to grow rather fond of each other.

It is here where the film excels.  If the African Queen were to be remade today, there would probably be a five minute softcore scene where Channing Tatum bends Margot Robbie over a railing and has his way with her.

Here, we see Charlie and Rose kiss and then cut to the morning.  Maybe they humped.  Maybe they didn’t.  Honestly, given that it is a 1951 movie about 1914, they probably didn’t hump.  The kissing was enough for two people who just met in those days.

The film’s greatness as a love story comes through the fact that they portray love through, whodjthunkit, actual displays of love rather than banging scenes.

Charlie and Rose hated each other.  Now they dote upon one another.  They call each other “sweetheart” and “darling.”  Charlie learns that Rose likes tea so he never lets her cup go empty.  Rose learns to trust Charlie more and doesn’t assume that everything he does is a rouse to get under her twenty layers of clothing.

They work together to get the African Queen downriver.  They fight over who should do a dangerous duty, each demanding to risk their lives to spare the other, ultimately deciding to do it together when neither will back down.

It all culminates in a strangely touching scene when they are captured by Germans.  Sentenced to hang, they make one last request, that the German captain marry them.  They seem very happy in this instant, despite the fact that certain death is imminent.

I won’t spoil what happens next.  However, I think this film does more to display true love than what we see today, both on screen and perhaps even in our own relationships.

True, sex is the ultimate comfort.  It is the best experience that a human body can feel.  On screen, we like to see good looking people bone so we can imagine being one of them. Off screen, we look for partners who arouse us.

But it’s the times between sex that determine whether or not a relationship will last.  Do you call your other a pet name reserved only for him/her?  Do you hold their hand?  Tell them you love them?  Talk about the life you want to build together?  Get them a cup of tea and feel it is a blessing you have someone to get a cup of tea for rather than be made someone is making you get them a cup of tea?

These are all signs of long lasting love.  In 1951, the director of this film wasn’t able to show you that Charlie and Rose were in love by having them bone.  So instead, they showed all the things we all wish we had in a partner.  Ultimately, it all boils down to unconditional love, displayed through affection that is offered freely and never has to be asked for.

Because of this, I can picture Charlie and Rose moving away after their adventure and settling down together.  Meanwhile, all of these couples who meet and instantly bang in the throws of passion probably only last until they find someone else to bang.

Somehow, we all lost sight of what day to day love is.  Too much sex.  Not enough love.

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Movie Review – Colossal (2016)

Love and monsters!

BQB here with a review of the pleasant surprise that is “Colossal.”

Gloria (Anne Hathaway) is a mess.  She’s partying her life away and worse, she’s partied her boyfriend away.  Dumped and homeless, she returns to her home town only to reunite with childhood friend Oscar (Jason Sudeikis).

Gloria and Oscar have a tumultuous relationship with a lot of leftover baggage from their younger days.  And worse, for some bizarre, mysterious reason…when their passion turns to violence, their alter egos appear in Seoul, South Korea and wreak havoc.

Yes, that’s right.  Everything Gloria does is copied by a giant monster.  Everything Oscar does is copied by a giant robot.

My one criticism is the fight scenes between Gloria and Oscar often turn brutal, more brutal than you’d like to see between any couple and especially when we see a man lose control and hit a woman.  However, the challenge was that Gloria and Oscar must fight so that their monstrous alter egos fight and unfortunately the only way for that to happen was for the filmmaker to put instances of all too real domestic violence on screen.

The film could have gone a number of ways.  When I saw the trailer, I thought this movie was a comedy but it is anything but.  Humorous things could have been done but ultimately the monsters destroying the city trope is used to parallel the destruction that a squabbling couple can wreak upon each other as well as the world around them.

My main compliment is the director does a lot with a little.  There are brief scenes showing the monsters so as to not break the budget.  Otherwise, once the rules are explained (i.e. when Gloria and Oscar go wild, their counterparts destroy a city)…we become shocked by the littlest movements.  In other words, for the low cost of Anne Hathaway falling down on the grass, we can imagine a corresponding monster falling down and destroying a city block in the process.

In a time of sequels and reboots, this film is original, mashing up the romance and monster stomping the city genres.  And after all, when love fails, don’t we all feel like monsters stomping around the city out of control?

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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The Alleged Man’s Dating Woes

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

You may have noticed there wasn’t much in the way of good writing on this website in July.

First of all, there has never been any good writing on this website so why you would expect any now is beyond me.

Second, my alter ego, the Alleged Man, supposedly the man pretending to be me, BQB, has been suffering in the dating scene and for some reason, when AM suffers, my writing suffers.  Are the two related?  Probably not.

Anyway, AM is, God help us, 38 years old.  Yes, his first car was a brontosaurus and Abe Lincoln was his next door neighbor.

AM scored a couple of dates with a nice woman his age, also 38.  She was nice, but she dropped during conversation in date 1 that she didn’t want kids and on date 2 she repeated it.

AM pressed a little on how serious she was about this.  Perhaps she’d just encountered a terrible kid that day and it was fresh on her mind.  Perhaps she never met a man that would be a good father.

She doubled down.  Nope.  I don’t want kids.

So then it was like AM woke up from a coma.  He’d been depressed since turning 35, his lifelong dream of knocking up a woman with his super potent man seed seemed like it was becoming less likely with each passing year.

It began to concern AM that he might have missed his kid having window.  AM is pretty ugly.  That’s not a joke.  He’s a very ugly man and his ugliness causes most vaginas in his general vicinity to dry up like the Great Mojave Desert.  One time AM walked by a woman and a damn tumbleweed popped out of her vagina.  That’s how ugly AM is.

Seriously.  Don’t assume AM is just being down on himself.  The dude is ugly.  And fat.  He has a hardcore pizza addiction.  Also, he’s bald and gray.  He went gray so early.  His pubes look like he’s got Gandalf in a leg lock.

So, anyway, AM began worrying – well, what if my window has past?  Sure, a 100 year old man can father a child but that 100 year old man still needs to find a willing younger female.  Only men as rich and famous as our 45th POTUS can pull off getting a younger babe.

So AM’s worry was that if he had missed his baby making window, he’d be very sad, but he must turn his attention to finding a nice female companion to hold his hand into death which, holy shit, is getting closer and closer because that dickwad is 38.

Miraculously, shortly thereafter, AM scored some dates with a 32 year old.  “Huzzah,” AM said.  “I had a problem where I was worried I can’t find a woman to impregnate with my ultra manly super seed and then low and behold, a younger woman falls from the sky.  Surely she will want my ultra manly seed.  Problem solved.  Literally, the fastest a problem has ever been solved in AM’s life.”

Sigh.  On date 3, the 32 year old informs AM she doesn’t want kids either.

Thus, AM is in a bind.  Two women like him.  Neither wants kids.  He wonders if he were to end up with one of them would he be able to charm them into having kids.

He feels like maybe both women were silly to mention such a thing so early…unless they really meant it in which case they did the right thing by being up front as a more devious woman might have waited a year to say she doesn’t want kids and by then the man is hooked.

So maybe he could try to talk one into having kids but…i mean, there’s the rub.  If a woman is up front about not wanting kids, then a year from now if she doesn’t want kids, that’s the AM’s fault for not listening up front.

AM is torn.  He has been alone for a very long time.  Many years of solitude.  He has no luck with babes and suddenly has luck.  He doesn’t want to be alone but he doesn’t want to give up on kids either.

On one hand he feels it is a lot to ask- i.e. you just meet a woman and she basically says, “Hi I’m a stranger.  Abandon all hope of fatherhood now to proceed.”

He fears he’ll grow bitter if he doesn’t have kids.  However, he also fears that if just goes back to the drawing board, (i.e. says thank you for the dates, ladies, but i’d like to see if there are any uteruses out there that are still open for business) he will end up alone.  He’ll end up 45, hopeless and alone, wishing he’d accepted defeat on the kid issue and just taken on of these ladies as a life companion.

Both women have their reasons.  38 year old is concerned of the health risks of having a baby as an older woman.  32 year old is a wacky feminist who believes that having a baby will keep her from “doing something important with her life.”  BQB didn’t have the heart to tell her that she didn’t appear to be splitting the atom or curing cancer or doing anything really groundbreaking that a baby would interrupt.  He knew that would go over like a lead balloon.

In short, AM’s choices are a) pick one of two women who don’t want kids and assume he will not change their minds b) go back to the drawing board.  Maybe that means a woman who can’t wait to pop a kid out of her cooter will come soon, though more likely, AM will end up a very sad, lonely old man.

Also, before you get after AM about going out with 2 women – a) he hasn’t talked to the first in awhile and b) it’s just been like dinners and movies and shit.  No horizontal mambo action.

Discuss.  Help solve the Alleged Man’s problems as he is apparently so distraught this illustrious blog and the publication of Toilet Gator are on hold until he figures out what to do.

 

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Movie Review – The Big Sick (2017)

A breakup, heartache, a coma and comedy?

Yes, it’s probably the funniest movie about a coma you’ve ever seen.

BQB here with a review of “The Big Sick.”

You’ve seen comedian Kumail Nanjiani on HBO’s “Silicon Valley” where he delivers jokes with a cunning, deadpan style, often only alerting viewers that a joke has even taken place with a subtly playful eye movement.

Now comes his big screen debut in an autobiographical story about how he and his wife Emily found their own happily ever after.

In this film, Kumail plays himself.  He’s a Pakistani immigrant, his parents having moved to the US when he was a boy.  He’s struggling as a stand-up comic in Chicago when he meets Emily (Zoe Kazan playing a fictional version of Kumail’s real life wife Emily.)

The duo hits it off, finding that brilliant romance most of us can only dream about.  Alas, there’s a problem.  Kumail’s family are very traditional, devout Muslims.  In particular, his mother will accept nothing less than his marriage to a Pakistani Muslim woman.  Whenever Kumail visits for family dinner, his mother arranges for a different prospective Muslim girl to “drop in” in to meet her son.

Ultimately, Kumail is pressured, forced to choose between disappointing his family or disappointing a woman he sees as the great love of his life.  A fight ensues, a breakup occurs and shortly thereafter, Emily is hospitalized and put into a forced coma as doctors wrack their brains trying to figure out how to cure a freak, rare infection.

None of this sounds like it should be good fodder for comedy.  Honestly, there are many tender, touching moments that highlight the gut wrenching pain that comes with love – the choices we must make, the comprises we must make, the decisions we must make, all in the name of figuring out how to stay true to ourselves while making another person happy.

Kumail loves this woman, so much so that he parks himself in the hospital, waiting for his love to wake up.  This is to the great chagrin of Beth and Terry (Holly Hunter and Ray Romano), Emily’s parents who fly in to care for their daughter in her time of need.

Beth and Terry only know that their daughter’s last pre-coma thoughts of Kumail was that he was a dick who’d screwed the whole relationship up – not a great first impression to make on your prospective future in-laws.

Meanwhile, Emily’s illness is so rare that someone needs to do the legwork necessary to research it and check up on the doctors to see if they are making the right decisions.

It’s up to Kumail to try to save the day, to save his love, to win over her parents….all in all, a very tall order that most people are ill equipped to handle.

It’s an ambitious scenario to be certain.  In another comedian’s hands, it could have fallen flat.  However, as Kumail reaches his boiling point outside a fast food drive-thru, beating the crap out of a trash can when a cashier refuses to put extra cheese on his burger as he tries to satisfy a stress eating binge, we laugh…and we can relate.  We all have had those moments where life freaks us out to our tipping point.

Holly Hunter and Ray Romano are great as the parents.  Ray’s character is epically lonely, in search of a friend that he finds in Kumail.  This is actually the most acting I’ve ever seen Ray Romano do. Holly dumps on Kumail with reckless abandon until other people start dumping on Kumail and her mama grizzly bear claws come out.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  Good date film.  Time will tell if Kumail will be able to repeat this success, but he and Emily had such a unique, touching story that it really pays off on film.

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The Male Biological Clock is Real

Hey 3.5 readers.

My best buddy, “The Alleged Man” or the person everyone thinks is me but isn’t, has been pretty bummed as of late.

See, he’s 38, and since 35 the realization has been a slow trickle, now turning into a busted water faucet of a realization that his window to father children is getting narrower and narrower.

In theory, yes, if you can squeeze out some joy juice out of a one hundred year old man, you might be able to use it to knock up a chick.  However, that 100 year old still needs to get the go ahead from a young, fertile chick…because, you know, otherwise he’d be a centenarian rapist.

NOTE TO SELF:  “Centenarian Rapist” would be an awesome title for my next book.  TAGLINE: He raped his way through the Great Depression and two world wars, now he’s raping his way into the grave.  Begin plans for a 99 Design cover contest posthaste.

Back to the point.  Do things look grim for this stud muffin?  Should he just slap himself for not working harder to impregnate a chick in his early days, then forgive himself an accept his spawn-less existence?

I mean, our own 45th POTUS managed to knock up a hot younger woman at age 60 but, you know, he’s super rich and famous and also the POTUS and also has fantastic hair and I have heard rumors that he is often talked about on the news for some reason.

But do keep in mind AM not rich or famous or the POTUS.  That probably won’t happen until I release “Son of Toilet Gator” and then everyone will be all like “Oh AM you’re so super awesome, please impregnate all the women, yay.”

Yeah, yeah, forget pity and condolences about “Hey, Alleged Man, maybe you can adopt or maybe you’ll meet a babe with kids of her own and the Dad has skipped town.”

The Alleged Man is wondering about his chances of actually getting his swimmers past the fallopian goal line.

Sadly, the “Sell a Billion Copies of Toilet Gator and impregnate a gold digging supermodel” looks like it is still years away from coming to fruition.

Plus, AM recently read something about how the older you get, the worse your sperm gets.  AM is now highly concerned that a microscopic slide of his jism would bear a striking resemblance to a bunch of tiny tadpoles slapping each other around like the Three Stooges.  Nyuk nyuk.

Discuss.

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Top Ten Warning Signs You Might Be Dating Friedrich Nietzsche

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Ahh, Friedrich Nietzsche, the father of all nihilists.

He was a philosopher.  A writer.  And most importantly, an ubermensch.

Nihilists don’t believe in anything, so do you think it is wise to be dating a nihilist when a good relationship requires that both parties believe in it?

Nietzsche died 117 years ago but, you know, he could have faked that shit.  He could be kicking around, trying to date the 3.5 readers of my rarely visited website.

Therefore, from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs You Might Be Dating Friedrich Nietzsche.

#10 – “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

I’m willing to bet that at some point in your life – a parent, a grandparent, a teacher, a boss, an authority figure, a mentor – said this quote to you.  Well, did you know that this quote is typically attributed to the Nietzsche?

In theory, this advice is sound.  If you go through a bad experience and don’t die from it, you have at least learned more about what you can do better to avoid a bad experience like that again.

In reality, if your boyfriend said this about the last sexual tryst you two had together, he is probably Nietzsche.

#9 – Cries out “Who’s the Ubermensch?!” in Bed

This is a simplified version of Nietzsche’s writings, but the condensed version is that by not allowing themselves to be bogged down by strict belief in God or religious/moral principles, man can take charge of his life and essentially, can do whatever he wants.  Thus, he becomes an “ubermensch” or “superman.”

If your boyfriend shouts out, “Who’s the man?” doing the horizontal mambo, then he’s just a man.  Any red-blooded heterosexual male worth his salt does that.  I do that with Video Game Rack Fighter all the time.

However, if your boyfriend shouts out, “Who’s the superman?” during the dirty deed, then he is most likely Nietzsche.

#8 – He loves music.

Direct quote – “Without music, life would be a mistake.”

Believe it or not, Nietzsche loved music.  He was a total tune junkie.  It was probably tough for him living back then because for most of his life if you wanted to hear music, you had to go listen to someone play an instrument.  Record players weren’t invented until 1877.

And even if you listened to someone play music, it was likely an instrumental piece or a symphony, which, although cool, doesn’t have the panache of, say, Sir-Mix-a-Lot’s “Baby Got Back.”  All those 1800s people loved big butts but they never learned why.  Sad.

Poor Friedrich.  He might have been happier had he been born in the age of the iPod.

It’s ironic, because the man who didn’t believe in anything believed in the ability of a good jam to lift one’s spirits.

So if your boyfriend loves music, he might just be the average, good natured, creative person.  However, if he only likes listening to 1800s German compositions then he’s totally Nietzsche.

#7 – He’s crazy in love with you.

Nietzsche was a walking contradiction.  Didn’t believe in anything, yet like any other man, he chased that poon.  Poor guy.  He even struck out regularly.  He was no stranger to romantic heartache, which I assume caused him to offer up this little tidbit:

“There is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness.”

When you think about it, it’s insane to get into a romantic relationship with another person.  Your freedom is restricted.  You are no longer able to do what you want to do, when you want to do it.  You have to seek this person’s approval on everything.  You aren’t able to speak freely (fellas, if you think I’m wrong, try it with your wife sometime then get back to me.  You’ll owe me a Coke.)
Then again, there is some “reason to this madness.”  In a quality relationship, one that actually works out, you’ll have a person looking out for you, standing up for you, getting your back, and you know, regularly access to sex isn’t anything to sneeze at (though again, that’s assuming that you don’t end up with a cold fish who only begrudgingly tosses you a pity quickie on your birthday.)
If your boyfriend is madly in love with you, then congratulations.  Maybe you really are just that appealing.  Then again, you apparently have enough free time to read this terrible blog article so…yeah, your boyfriend is Nietzsche.
#6 – He doesn’t believe there is only one right way to do something.
Nietzsche famously said:
“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
 In theory, this sounds like a really great approach to life, a way to compromise and deal effectively with others.  After all, who cares how something gets done as long as it gets done?
Oh wait.  I know who cares.  Your girlfriend.  Men, go tell her that her way of doing something is not the only right way to do something.  Better yet, suggest your way of doing something is equally valid.
Most men experienced in the ways of the female know damn well to never say this to a woman.  If a man doesn’t know not to say this to a woman, then he’s Nietzsche.
#5 – “There are no facts, only interpretations.”
Ladies, if a fight has ever gone down in your house that sounds like this, then I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you are dating Nietzsche:
GIRLFRIEND:  What the hell?  Do you want to explain why this lipstick is on your collar?  It isn’t mine!
BOYFRIEND:  Maybe that’s lipstick.  Maybe it’s raspberry jam from my morning toast.  Maybe I cut myself shaving and the blood stained my shirt. Who’s to say, really?
GIRLFRIEND:  This is lipstick!  That’s a fact!
BOYFRIEND:  There are no facts, only interpretations.
#4 – “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”
The dude’s got a point there.  Your significant other may be hot as balls and you may be head over heels in love with that person, but often, that just isn’t enough.
You and your plus one must also be good friends.  Do you two get along?  Do you care about one another to avoid starting a fight?  Do you know what makes that person tick, how to make them happy?  Better yet, do you feel a desire to make that person happy?  When that person is happy, are you happy?
If you and your boyfriend are best friends, then he might be Nietzsche, and in this case, that suave, mustache sporting bastard is a keeper.
#3 – He’s his own man.
Don’t try to hold your man down, especially if he says this, which is more evidence that he might be Nietzsche:
“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.  If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened.  But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.”
Nietzsche may be a mopey sad sack, but he marched to the tune of his own drum and he may be your boyfriend in this case.
#2 – “Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster.”
Did your boyfriend say this before you heard it said in The Dark Knight (2008?)  Congratulations, you’re dating Nietzsche, because this bad ass nihilist didn’t need a man in a bat suit (or his pal turned enemy Harvey Dent/Two-Face) to educate him on morality.
#1 – Free mustache rides!
Damn.  Nietzsche had one hell of a soup strainer on his lip and you know what?  I’m willing to be that all the 19th century German frauleins he met dug it big time.
You see, 3.5 readers, there was a time, right up until the 1980s of my boyhood, when a man’s machismo wasn’t judged by his muscles, or by the kind of car he drives, or his clothes, or his looks, or how fat or skinny he was, or even how good looking he was.
All that past women cared about was how big and bushy a man’s mustache was.  That’s it.  Can you grow a sweet stache?  Yes.  Good for you.  You get the cooter.  Can’t grow a stache?  Can you afford a sweet fake stache?  Good for you.  You also get the cooter.
Past women knew an important fact that today’s female is ignorant of, namely, that good mustaches make for great cunnilingus.  Nietzsche knew that and that’s why he had the biggest, bushiest stache of all time.  Oh how he made the German ladies yodel for strudel with that lip rug.
Tom Selleck.  Chuck Norris.  All the sexiest men of the 1980s had lip hair.  Ask any woman who was in her sexual prime in the 1980s and they’ll tell you the hairy lips are great for tickling hoo-hahs.
Alas, at some point towards the end of the Reagan administration, all the broads took over and they began demanding ridiculous things from us.  They want us to take care of the kids, help around the house, manscape, wax off our back hair, shave off all our facial hair.
Hell, the average woman expects her man to do nothing but stand by the mirror with a Big razor at the ready, prepared to cut a whisker down the second it grows.
If only the women of yesteryear would have educated the women of today.  All men would have big ass lip bushes like Nietzsche and women would have some happy vaginas.
You’re in doubt?  Well, let me ask you this.  Is your cooter happy?  No?  Then madam, you are clearly not dating Nietzsche.
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Best Pickup Lines – #175-200

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#175 – Picture it.  You and me on a deserted island.  Also, there’s a monkey playing a banjo.  The monkey serenades, then starts touching himself.  We want to look away but oddly enough, we cannot.  We then make hot passionate live while the monkey periscopes the entire affair.

#176 – I’m the other white meat.

#177 – Can I check you for stretch marks?

#178 – Can I check you for track marks?

#179 – Can I check the marks on your college transcript?  I don’t want to date a dummy.

#180 – Can I check the marks on your college transcript to make sure you did poorly?  I find that dummies make the best dates.

#181 – You’re so brave to go out in public, looking the way you do.

#182 – Nice dress.  Do you always shop at the curtain store?

#183 – I want to kiss you all over…but first…liquid courage!

#184 – Would you like to travel the world?  Would you also like to pay for all my tickets and travel expenses?

#185 – I’m a masseuse.  My foldable table is in my trunk.

#186 – Did you know that one night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble?  God, I wish Chess would get the band back together again.

#187 – I can take off my underwear without removing my pants.  Care to see?

#188 – This hair is mine.  Seriously.  I have the receipt.

#189 – My back hair is thick and lush.  You’ll feel like you’re running your fingers through a luxurious shag carpet.

#190 – Are you a religious woman?  No?  Don’t worry, I’ll have you screaming “Oh God!” by the end of the night.

#191 – Can we divvy up this bar tab?  I had like one beer and you had a million rum and cokes.

#192 – All my past girlfriends are famous.  They always end up with their faces plastered all over milk cartons.

#193 – I’d say it’s love at first sight, but I’ve been staring at you through your bedroom window for years now.  Whoops!  I let the cat out of the bag.  Silly me.

#194 – I’m a male prostitute and I charge by the hour.  How many hours can I put you down for?

#195 – Let’s do this!  I just popped a viagra and I don’t want to waste it.  Do you have any idea how much those pills cost?

#196 – Girl, you so fine you blow my mind.

#197 – May I have this dance?  No?  Fine, who needs you anyway?

#198 – I floss.  My dentist tells me I have the gums of a thoroughbred race horse.

#199 – What would you do for a Klondike bar?  I’m just curious because I have a whole box of them at home.

#200 – I’m so lonely.

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RIP Glenne Headly (Or, Why You Should Pick Tess Trueheart over Breathless Mahoney)

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Hey 3.5 readers.

Again, I don’t really like to talk about celebrity deaths.  I try to keep it at a minimum, but this one got to me.

Glenne Headly passed away this week and if you don’t know who she is, that’s ok.  To be honest, I only vaguely knew her name.  She was one of those actresses who you saw her face in everything and recognized it right away, but she wasn’t out causing trouble in the tabloids and so on.  Alas, the press doesn’t give you extra points for good behavior.

For me, Glenne’s most memorable role was that of Tess Trueheart in 1990’s “Dick Tracy” opposite Warren Beatty.  Throughout the film, Dick faces a dilemma – will he choose the true blue, always loyal Tess or the super hot femme fatale Breathless Mahoney (Madonna)?

Breathless was, by far, the babe to end all babes, the woman who could make you look like a big shot if people saw her on your arm.  However, she was more likely to dump you for another guy or sell you out to Big Boy Caprice or one of his evil, scheming henchmen.

I don’t think I realized it at the time but looking back, that film was probably my first introduction to the concept that when it comes to love, people tend to be as loyal as their options.

Yes, we all want to be with the “ridiculously good looking person” (Zoolander reference) but stop and think about it.  Realize this is a person you have to spend the rest of your life with, or at the very least, will have to go through a lot of agony before they’re out of your life when things turn sour.

The Breathless Mahoneys of the world may be alluring but at the end of the day, it’s the Tess Truehearts that are going to be there for you when you need them.  Meanwhile, the Breathless Mahoneys will only be with you…for as long as they need you.

Forsake the Breathless Mahoneys, kids.  Pick the Tess Truehearts.

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