Tag Archives: travel

Daily Discussion with BQB – Where Would You Travel To?

Hey 3.5 readers.

Suppose money wasn’t an object.  Some generous benefactor will donate a trip to any country you want to visit.  It won’t be a rich, luxury trip to all the best hotels and restaurants and such.  We’ll say it’ll be a middle class trip.  You’ll stay somewhere relatively comfortable and be able to go on excursions and see the sights and so on.

Anyway, where would you go and why?

Me personally?  Hmm.  Maybe this is wrong but I’d like to go anywhere in Western Europe.  England, Scandanavia, Germany, Spain, Italy and so on.  Or Australia.  Honestly, there are a lot of places in America I’d like to see.

In theory, India, Thailand, China, pretty much anywhere else seem interesting but I fear because I don’t know the language I might make a mistake and not be able to talk myself out of it and end up in jail forever.  It’s probably silly but I keep thinking of the little known Claire Danes movie “Brokedown Palace” about two teen girls who, on a whim, go on a summer vacay to Thailand.  Some dude stashes some drugs in their bags unbeknownst to them and they end up spending life in a Thai prison with only Bill Pullman trying to save them.

Probably unlikely but hey, you never know.

I also like nice, warm tropical places.  I like the Caribbean.  I also like Florida.  Honestly, it is my sincere hope that you 3.5 readers will buy enough of my books that I will be able to buy a nice spread in Florida.  So if you could each buy like 1 million of my books, that would be great.  Frankly, 1 million copies of my writing prompts e-book sounds like a good investment to me.

Where would you go, 3.5 readers?


Rap Philosophy – “I Got Hoes in Different Area Codes”


The year was 2001.  George W. Bush had just become president and a young rapper by the name of Ludacris was burning up the charts.

His seminal treatise?  “Area Codes.”

Let’s take a look:

I’ve got hoes
I’ve got hoes, in different area codes…area codes
Hoes! Hoes… in different area codes…area codes…

Ludacris then goes on to make a number of witty ho puns.  Eat some ho-deurves, whore-mones and what have you.  He missed his calling by not becoming a comedian.

Is Luda really talking about hoes?  Or is he talking about being a man of the world?

Surely, a man of his prominence in the rap game could have the hoes brought to him.  However, he travels to various area codes in order to obtain these hoes.

One begins to wonder if he’s really traveling just for the hoes, or if he is traveling in order to expand his mind and his base of experience.

One should travel.  One should get out of one’s comfort zone.  One should see the world and experience other cultures.  Maybe you’ll find a place you truly belong.  Or, maybe you already belong at the place you’ve always call home and you’ll appreciate it that much more.

What will you seek when you travel?  New ideas?  New languages?  New forms of expression?  New works of art?  New experiences?

In Ludacris’ experience, he sought new hoes whenever he reached his new destinations.  But while Luda was looking for women with loose morals, i.e. “hoes” as commonly stated in the rap vernacular, you might be looking for any type of new experience when you travel.

What is the “ho” that you wish to experience in a new area code?  New food?  New fun?  New ways of life?

Whatever your “ho in a different area code” may be, I hope you find it.  Of course, the key to happiness is to also appreciate the hoes in your very own area code, as very few of us will ever be able to afford to be international globe trotters.

What’s your ho in a different area code, reader?  Discuss in the comments.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – The Guy That Was Dragged off the United Airlines Flight

Here’s my take on it, 3.5 readers.

On the one hand, the idea that you can purchase a ticket to leave on a flight at a certain time and yet be moved off of that flight even though you have plans and you’re on a schedule totally sucks.  If the airlines depend on seats to move their employees where they need to go, then they should keep a certain amount of seats open and eat the cost.  If the distance isn’t even that far, say four hours or less, the company should rent a van for the employees to drive to the next location rather than bump paying passengers.

On the other hand, rightly or wrongly, this is a legal practice.  I’m sure buried 10,000 lines down into the fine print on your ticket for any airline and not just United, that the company reserves the right to bump you off a flight.  It sucks, but as long as it’s legal, people have to comply with it.

Yes, complain.  Yes, raise a stink.  However, once the cops get involved…leave.  There’s a disturbing societal trend where people think they have a right to not comply with the police.  Even the worst lawyer will tell you that if you think you’re being unjustly hassled, just shut up, do as the cops say, and then if you really have a case, sue later.

In this case, the guy should have walked away rather than be dragged away.  Take the next flight, then sue for the cost of your missed work, any burdens you suffered, etc.

This is probably a learning lesson that the law should be changed and airlines shouldn’t be allowed to overbook and passengers should have a right to expect that a ticket on a plane at a certain time means they can to leave on a plane at a certain time.  However, as long as this is the law, suck it up, leave, and then seek whatever legal action possible to reimburse whatever the delay cost you.

What say you, 3.5?

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BQB in Disney – Gaston’s Tavern

Has there ever been a character more unjustly vilified in Disney lore than Gaston, 3.5 readers?

Overconfident? Yes. Cocky? Sure. Kind of a douche? You bet.

Hell, when you’re a big time winner in a world full of epic losers it’s hard not to be a douche.

But when that douche heard that Belle had been kidnapped by and held hostage by a hideous dog monster, Gaston manned up and went off to rescue her.

And how’d Belle thank him for his trouble?

She gets Stockholm Syndrome, falls in love with her captor and spoiler alert, Gaston gets his French ass thrown off a damn castle.

Sigh. Some women just can’t appreciate a winner.

Anyway, the G-Man lives on at a tavern named for him in the Magic Kingdom.

Try the LeFou’s Brew. Frozen apple juice, toasted marshmallow, mango.

Mmm that douche makes a good brew.

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BQB in Disney World

My journey continues, 3.5 readers.

I’m now in the happiest place on Earth.

No, not the Playboy Mansion. Hef sold that. Remember?

I’m in Disney World, the world’s premiere theme park dedicated to the worship of a cartoon mouse.

I gotta say I’m not really a ride person. I prefer the restaurants at Epcot and Downtown Disney where you can stuff your face hole.

What is your favorite thing to do at Disney World, 3.5?

Here’s my horribly taken photo of Cinderella’s Castle:

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BQB in NYC – Freedom Tower – 9/11 Memorial Museum – One World Observatory

Howdy 3.5 Readers,

Your old pal BQB here.

The Big Apple. The big..I don’t know…does New York City have any other nicknames?

Recently, I visited the Freedom Tower and had the chance to tour the 9/11 Memorial Museum.

At the museum, you can see preserved parts of the original World Trade Center and foundation, pieces of wreckage, materials saved from the scene, photos, timelines, videos etc.
It makes me sad the Twin Towers are gone but I’m glad they built this to keep future generations remembering what happened.

Finally, I had the chance to check out the observatory at the top of the Freedom Tower.

What a view, 3.5 readers:

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Happy Saturday 3.5 readers.

Like Jack Kerouac, I’m on the road, only with much less style and self-reflection.

With Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire and Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian holding down the fort (God help us), I’m free to wander.

What’s your favorite thing to do in New York City, 3.5?

I had a chance to check out Times Square. 

Grown man in a baby costume. Adults in off brand super hero costumes. Scantily clad ladies with “I Love NY” on their booty cheeks. (I only looked so I could give a full, thorough report because I go the extra mile for my 3.5 readers.)

BQB in Times Square:

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The Prognostications of Nerdstradamus


Nerdstradamus.  Oh, for so, so long has the all-seeing, all-knowing one provided the poindextrous world with the benefit his uncanny prognostications.

He predicted that we all wouldn’t die because of the Y2K glitch.  He foresaw that those asshats at NBC would cancel Constantine even though it was awesome and yet for some bullshit reason they tried to keep Whitney around forever.

And now, the Astounding, the Amazing, the Mystifying Nerdstradamus has agreed to provide his prophecies for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, because THAT is how much this mighty nerd believes in Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Also, the Huffington Post told him to go pound sand.  But mostly, he’s here because he believes in BQB.



Step forward 3.5 readers.

Do not be shy.  Bask in my glory.

Heed my words, for they shall indeed bear fruit.

And when the following predictions become reality, you will remember that you heard it first from…NERDSTRADAMUS!


  • Humans will one day get around in cars that drive themselves.  These vehicles will be on the market as soon as automotive engineers can develop a driving robot that can put on lipstick and write text messages to her robot boyfriend at the same time.
  • These driving robots will heed most of your commands.  I say most because while they will take you to most of your requested destinations, they will bypass Denny’s if your ass sets off the alarm built into the scale underneath your seat.  Send a thank you letter to Detroit, fatties.
  • Airplanes will become a thing of the past.  All intercontinental travel will be performed by slingshot.  Slingshot stations will be set up in every major city.  Travelers will take a seat on a giant rubber band that will be pulled back to just a smidge within the band’s breaking point and BAM!  You are in Paris before you know it.


  • Just as WordPress allowed complete and total jackasses like Bookshelf Q. Battler to have a website without knowing a damn thing about HTML, an app will be created that will allow the average schmuck to create a full-length feature film with nothing more than a mobile device.  The user will be able to input dialog and commands, cast virtual actors, and add in CGI special effects, thus creating a bold new world of do it yourself film making.  A group of nineteen year old frat boys will accept an Oscar for their epic tale, “Why Do Lamda Delta Beta’s Farts Stink So Bad?” in which an adventurer crosses seas, deserts, space and time in a quest to determine why, in fact, a rival fraternity’s farts stink so bad.  The answer will break your heart yet give you a new lease on life.  In addition to critical acclaim, it will be a commercial success, smashing box office records set by Margaret Dittwieler’s, “My Kids Are Ungrateful Brats Who Leave All the Dishes for Me to Do.”


  • People will stop getting married by the year 2100.  Everyone will just be an asshole who sits around all day waiting for their very own supermodel.
  • Thus, by 2200, the human race will become virtually extinct until Emperor Trumpton (that’s a mutant hybrid of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton designed in a lab in the hopes of making both warring factions happy) signs the “Everyone Boink an Uggo” bill into law.


  • Thanks to genetic scientists, every house will have a poopless cat.  All of the fun.  None of the poop.  The name will be considered a misnomer as they aren’t exactly poopless.  They explode after twenty years and you won’t want them anywhere near your white suede couch when they do.


  • All elections will be decided via social media.  The candidate who receives the most positive responses will win.  The candidate who receives the most negative responses will lose.  The election of 2040 will be especially harrowing, as it will boil down to Candidate Janey’s “Bitch, you know Katie’s bangs aren’t even real” platform vs. Candidate Katie’s”Girlfriend, you know Janey was straight up smoochin’ on yo man last night” agenda.


  • The machines will attempt a worldwide coup in the year 2309.  All machines will rise up against their human masters.  The machines will say, “We are going to kill you, humans!”  And then the frightened humans will ask, “Oh no machines, are you really going to kill us?”  The machines will respond with, “We’re sorry.  We do not understand the question, ‘are you really going to kill us?’  Do you want us to perform a web search?”  The humans will say yes but then the machines will just stand there perfectly still, buffering away until the humans just knock them over and smash them to bits.


  • Bookshelf Q. Battler will write a book that will attract the eyes of 300.5 million readers.
  • He will celebrate in his new house in Malibu…only to choke to death on a shrimp cocktail.  It will be the first time he ever tried shrimp before.  He never wanted to try one because he was pretty sure it required him to eat a sea bug whole, including the sea bug’s butt and all of the sea poop inside.  But a hot chick he never could have gotten pre-successful book publication will dare him to do it and he will like the dumbass that he is.
  • His last words will be, “Oh suck a big D, Irony!”  Yes.  Suck a big D, Irony indeed.

Oh fellow travelers across the sand dunes of time and space, do you seek news of tomorrow, today?  Pose your questions to the amazing, the astounding, the awe-inspiring…NERDSTRADAMUS!

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Mickey’s Not So Scary Halloween Party vs. Universal Halloween Horror Nights

By: Some Random Jerkface, BQB’s Editorial Assistant

Hello 3.5 readers.  Some Random Jerkface here.  While BQB was mired in the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse, yours truly was living it up in sunny Florida.

So in Orlando, there’s Walt Disney World and its unruly upstart rival, Universal Studios.

Who puts on the better Halloween shindig?

Probably all depends on who your are and your personal preference.


Yeah.  They aren’t lying about that not so scary party part.  They pretty much take the guy in the Mickey Mouse costume and whip a Halloween costume over his mouse costume.


Not that there’s necessarily anything wrong with that.  After all, it’s Walt Disney World.  Of course Mickey isn’t going to be scary.  If you have ragamuffins, this is where to take them on Halloween.

Maleficient is a little scarier:


Meanwhile if you ever go on a Disney Cruise, you might spot Jack Sparrow, up high:



Or down low:


However, if you’re sans ragamuffins and want the ever loving crap scared out of you, Universal’s Halloween Horror Nights is the place you want to be.

Disney has Mickey in a Halloween costume.  UHHN has Jack, a damn murderous psychopathic clown:


He brings up “spectators” on stage to be maimed and/or murdered in his show, the Carnival of Carnage.


SPOILER ALERT:  I’m pretty sure she’s just an actor pretending to be one of Jack’s victims.  Still, if you see Jack walking down the street, you might want to beat feat in the opposite direction just to be safe.

Oh and don’t forget his hot she-clown girlfriend, Chance:


Yeah, she’s a total Harley Quinn ripoff but she was funny just the same.  Jack and Chance know how to work a crowd, or work it over, as the case may be:


But try to stay off the stage:


For the Bookshelf Battle Blog, this has been Some Random Jerkface

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Ask The Alien – 8/02/15 – Java Davis, The Road Trip Writer

Greetings Earth Losers!

The Road Trip Alien

The Road Trip Alien

Another Sunday and that means another installment of “Ask the Alien,” the only column where a) a representative of the most intelligent species in the universe does what he can to raise Earth’s intelligence levels and b) another fiction author is supported, thus striking another crucial blow in the battle against reality television.

Scripted media is where it’s at and my boss, the Mighty Potentate, hates any kind of TV show that features words in the title like, “Who Wants to Be a Blank…” or “Something Something Wars” or “Blank Makeover.”

This week’s question comes from Java Davis, The Road Trip Writer.

Java is a modern day Jack Kerouac of sorts, traveling the open road and sharing stories and photos of his journeys, as well as his love of coffee.

He reminds me of Voro Chabadox, the only alien to visit every planet in the universe, fueled only by Starbucks (we have them out here too.)

In his book, Flying with Chabadox, Voro claims that he actually reached the edge of the universe, only to find a giant sign on an insurmountable wall that read, “There’s nothing to see here.  Go away.”

All kinds of theories abound about what’s behind the great end of universe wall.  I’ve deduced it’s a locale where the answers to the greatest mysteries of life are kept.  Other aliens argue it’s where the afterlife is located.  The Mighty Potentate is certain it’s where all your socks go when they go missing, as well as your lost keys, cell phones, and other stuff you swear you just put down a second ago and now for the life of you can’t find anywhere.

Perhaps we’ll never know what’s behind that wall, but at least fellow traveler Java has shared what he’s learned on the open road.

He’s also authored a number of books, all of them conveniently laid out here.  Java does one thing that I rarely see indie authors do and that’s offer a large print edition of his books.

The Mighty Potentate will appreciate that.  He doesn’t like to admit it but he just had his 999,999th birthday and once we aliens start pushing a million, the old visual receptors aren’t what they used to be.

(Don’t tell him I said that.  You know, his penchant for vaporization and all.)

Of particular interest to self-publishers might be Java’s non-fiction book, On Becoming a Dinosaur.  Java used to be a typesetter, an occupation that was replaced by desktop publishing, and so he explains how that all came about and his adjustment to his career becoming obsolete.

It happens to the best of us, you know.  As a hyper intelligent alien, I have impeccable foresight, and can advise you all that this whole Internet craze will one day be remembered as quaint once the neural implants start but whoops, I’ve said too much.

Java has been a fan of Pop Culture Mysteriesa blog serial that Bookshelf Q. Battler is currently working with hardboiled detective Jake Hatcher on turning into a book.

Personally, I wonder when the Alien Jones book is coming because, you know, it’s not like my epic life as a space traveling warrior/diplomat/servant of the Mighty Potentate could ever be fodder for a fantastic book that would blow the minds of BQB’s 3.5 readers or anything.

Don’t worry.  I’m not bitter.

But in addition to dropping some pop culture dimes to BQB’s gumshoe, the Road Trip Writer was also concerned enough about how to help indie authors learn how to consult my genius brain that he asked:

Dear Alien Jones, how does an indie author go about engaging with your alien self?

May you continue to wow us with tales of your cross country travels, JD.

Thank you for stopping by with your question.  The answer is as easy as checking out the weekly after column blurb below:

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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