Tag Archives: love

How to Tell Your Children Their Parents Are Getting Divorced

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By: Monica Duncan, Professional Bad News Breaker

Hi 3.5 readers.  I’m Monica Duncan and I hate to break it to you, but I am the best when it comes to breaking bad news.  That may be due to the fact that there really isn’t anyone else in the professional bad news breaker game, but it’s a burgeoning field and unlike BQB’s blog readership, I expect it to grow substantially by 2020.

I’ve broken some of the worst news in history:

  • In the 1990s, I told Al Cowlings that OJ needed a ride.  I was only a kid at the time, so it was one of my very first bad news breaks.
  • I was the one who had to tell Obama that oil rig in the Gulf would just NOT stop chugging oil into the sea.
  • I told the Winklevoss twins that their friend Mark started a new website.
  • I had to break it to John McCain that just because Sarah Palin was the governor of Alaska doesn’t mean she’s a gift speaker.
  • I told Brad and Angelina they didn’t like each other anymore.  They would have not figured it out for another 20 years had I not intervened.

And today, I’m here to tell you how to tell your kids that you and your spouse are getting divorced.

So…you and your better half are calling it kaputs, overs-ville, adios, bye-bye, sayanora, see you later.

Who will tell the children?  Those lovable cherubs you brought into the world love you both.  This news will shatter their world and frankly, destroy their little lives, and may even have negative ramifications for their future.

Here are some things to do:

#1 – Be Sure To Tell Them This Was Entirely THEIR Fault

Honesty is always the best policy and divorces are no different.  Sit Junior down and explain it all to him:

  • Your mother works all day and is exhausted when she comes home.
  • We told you we don’t remember how many Goddamned times to pick up your toys and clean up your room but you just wouldn’t do it you selfish little jackass.
  • Despite her exhaustion, Mommy had to spend her evenings cleaning the house you wrecked and were too lazy to clean up.
  • Mommy was so tired after that she was unable to perform her wifely duties and please Daddy.
  • Daddy was left with no choice but to seek release in the form of a fat truck stop waitress named Lucille.
  • Enjoy Lucille as your new step-mommy and that 50 year old white guy with gray dreadlocks that your mommy will marry and make you call him new daddy.
  • Know that all of this could have been avoided if you’d just picked up your Goddamned toys like you were told.  Oh well.  A lifetime of misery is worth the extra time you saved by leaving your fucking action figures all over the place you obnoxious little shit.  Hang your head in shame.

#2 – Do My Parents Still Love Me?

No.  No they don’t.  How could they?  You’re a horrible, awful little child and they were so much happier before a nasty little eating, pooping, crying, money sucking machine came into their lives and ruined everything.  Daddy used to have hair.  Mommy used to have perky tits.  All your fault, you little loser.

#3 – Will I Get to See Daddy Again?

Probably not…or barely.  You see, while there has been great advancement in women’s rights laws, divorce laws continue to favor women based on the antiquated notion that a woman’s only means of support was in her ability to find a quality husband and that ability declines drastically after a divorce.  Today, women work and divorce doesn’t just carry the stigma in the dating world.  (Don’t worry.  It still carries a stigma in the high school popularity world.  Everyone will call you that divorced family kid, the one who broke his/her parents up.)

Mommy will drain Daddy’s money with child support and alimony so he’ll have to work 80 hours a week but barely afford a one room apartment in the ghetto.  He’ll resent this so much he’ll barely be able to stand seeing her for the five minutes required to pick you up, so he’ll do it less and less.

Ironically, Daddy will eventually realize he has the best of both worlds.  He accomplished a goal in life to have a kid…but he doesn’t have to take care of the kid that often.  He can’t because he doesn’t live with Mommy.  He’ll pick you up one weekend a month…then every 3 months…6 months…before long he’ll start a new family with a hotter, younger wife and use the knowledge of all the mistakes he made to be a great husband and father…to the new family…that you won’t be a part of….because remember, old gray white dreadlock step-daddy is your daddy now.

You really wish you’d picked up that fucking troll doll off the floor don’t you?  Yeah you do.

#4 – Will This Ruin My Future?

Almost certainly.  You’ll pit your parents against each other.  You’ll gravitate towards the one with the least amount of rules.  Whichever one you make the guiltiest will agree to all kinds of crazy shit.  You’ll basically be the boss of your parents because they feel bad, but you won’t get any real parenting, so you will have a wasted youth that leads to a jaded, ruined adulthood.

Romantic partners will consider you damaged goods.  You’ll get divorced yourself because you know, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

#5 – Will I Ever Be Happy Again?

Nope.  That feeling will elude you for life.  It is all your fault.

Conclusion

If you forget everything else, 3.5 readers, ALWAYS remember to tell your kids that your divorce is THEIR fault.  You can’t sugarcoat every piece of shit that comes your kids’ way and believe me, as divorced life begins, there’s going to be a lot of shit, so let them take it straight.

What kind of bad news would you like me to explain how to break?  Tell me in the comments.

 

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Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Nihilist

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Ahh…nihilism!  It’s the belief in nothing, but then again, if nothing is something and you believe in nothing, doesn’t that mean you believe in something?  #mindblown

Is your boyfriend sullen?  A bit depressing?  He never looks on the bright side?  Maybe he’s more than just a pathetic little goth twerp.  Maybe he’s a full blown Nietzsche worshipping nihilist.

From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Might Be a Nihilist:

#10 – He Doesn’t Believe in Paying the Check

He could be holding fast to a belief, or he could just be a cheap fucker.  Oh well, it’s 2017. Women can pick up checks now.

#9 – He Doesn’t Believe in Deodorant 

Could be a nihilist.  Could just be smelly.

#8 – He Doesn’t Believe in Cunnilingus

Which is surprising as Nietzsche more than likely gave many an 1800s German lady a free mustache ride with that big ass lip room.

#7 – He Doesn’t Believe in Doing Household Chores

No laundry.  No dishes.  Maybe it’s his instinct to say no to the world he sees as a big nothing, but then again, he could just be a man.  I mean, that’s women’s work.  Am I right, fellas?

#6 – He Doesn’t Believe in Believing 

And if he doesn’t believe in belief then do his beliefs fold in over themselves and collapse into nothing?

#5 – He Doesn’t Believe in Anniversaries

Or that could just be an excuse to explain why he always forgets them.

#4 – He’s Embraced His Inner Ubermensch

Then again…let he who hasn’t embraced his inner ubermensch cast the first stone.

#3 – He Doesn’t Believe in Jobs

Which is cool because prospective employers don’t believe in him either.

#2 – He Doesn’t Believe in Relationships

So why are you still with him?

#1 – He Always Sees the Glass as Half Empty

It makes sense.  Someone had to drink half the milk.  Was it you?  For shame.  You’ve destroyed your nihilist boyfriend’s faith in the world, or what little he had.  Then again, if he had any, he wasn’t a nihilist to begin with, so there you go.  There’s that.

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Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Wannabe Rapper

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Yo. 2017.  Time to get the green.  BQB on the track like a flea on a dog’s back.  Crank up the bass and let’s lay this shit down, ya heard?

Ahh, dating.  It’s one of the great joys of life, unless your boyfriend is a wannabe rapper.  He’s got the backwards hat.  He’s got a few lyrics he’s scribbled down on some notebook paper.  He yearns so badly to join ranks of Snoop, NWA, 50 Cent, and Eminem.

But let’s face it.  He couldn’t rap his way out of a paper bag and you’ll be supporting him forever.

From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Rapper:

#10 – Begins Every Conversation With a Lead-In That Features the Year, Followed by What He Wants the Sound Technician to Do

YOU:  Hun, what do you want for dinner?

HIM:  Yo, yo, yo, 2017…don’t want no string beans.  Put a little slick on this mic and we gonna lay this track down.  Bring some motherfuckin’ pizza to town, know what I’m sayin’ cuz?

#9 – He Never Introduces You to His Friends…He Announces the Collaboration

YOU:  Oh, hi hun.  You didn’t tell me you were having friends over.  Can you introduce me?

HIM:  Yo, yo, yo, B-Money Steaze up in the house, gettin’ ready to blow the doors off this motha-fucka….yeah and Sticky Mark up on the track, gettin’ it all whack for your ears, now what I’m sayin’?  Funk-ta-fied Freddy backin us up all day, everyday and Worldwide Miscreant stoppin’ by to get in on this shiznit, ya dope ass sucka!

#8 – So Many Backwards Hats

They’re easily convertible to frontwards hats but he just won’t listen, even after 30.

#7 – Always Offering You a Demo Tape…

…no matter how many times you tell him you’re not in the industry and can’t help him…or that no one uses cassettes anymore.

#6 – Always Talking About How Hard His Life Is/Was

HIM:  Yo, yo, yo, growin’ up on the streets was no fun, bitches in my face wavin’ they gun, how I got out the hood is a wonder, all my dead homies be six feet under.

YOU:  You were from Connecticut, dipshit.

#5 – Refers to Money as Stacks

BANK TELLER:  And how would you like to cash this check sir?

HIM:  Yo, yo, yo give me fat stacks, bitch!

#4 – Calls Everyone “Bitch”

You, your friends, your family, your dog, everyone.

GRANNY AT THANKSGIVING:  Sonny, can you pass the gravy?

HIM: Aw, shit!  Gravy comin’ all up in this motha-fucka, bitch!

#3 – Won’t Get a Day Job

Because he likes to keep it real.  Rappable stories come from the streets, not from working 9-5 at Kinko’s, bitch.

#2 – Always Working On New Rhymes

All day, every day, his notebook is out and his pen is scribbling new lyrics.  If only he could sell some.

#1 – Fights Are Like Rap Battles

YOU:  You didn’t do the dishes!

HIM:  Yo, yo, yo, bitch want me to do the dishes and now she mad, wants me to sleep with the fishes!

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Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a C.H.U.D.

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C.H.U.D.s

They stink.  See, the Millenials aren’t aware of this.  If you tell them a C.H.U.D. stinks, they’ll just be all like, whatever, you should just be nicer to the C.H.U.D. or hug him more or try to understand where the C.H.U.D. is coming from.

But if you’re a Gen Xer like me then you know C.H.U.D.s are no joke, and you certainly don’t want to be dating one.  Ergo, from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs You Might Be Dating a C.H.U.D.

#10 – Lives in the sewer.

Dead giveaway.  There is no reason for anyone to live in a sewer.  Sounds like your boyfrined might an “underground dweller” who puts the “UD” in CHUD.  Yeah, I’m lazy.  I will no longer put the period after each letter.

#9 – He is cannibalistic.

You saw him frying up a nice hand sandwich?  No, that wasn’t a typo.  I didn’t mean ham sandwich.  I meant hand sandwich.  Look, the dude’s eating a damn hand and you’re trying to make excuses for him.  “Aww, the poor guy, he just had a bad childhood.  If I love him more, he’ll stop eating people.”

No, bitch!  You in love with a damn CHUD!  Run bitch, run!

Also, he puts the C in CHUD.

#8 – He is a humanoid.

Always date an actual human.  A human is a human.  A humanoid is a creature that has a head and arms and legs and many of the same features as a human but is not a human.  Just because it moves like a human doesn’t mean it is a human.  Get some self-confidence.  Don’t settle for humanoid.  You deserve a full blown human.

He puts the H in CHUD.  That’s right.  He is a Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller.

#7 – He is super ugly.

Well, let’s be practical.  A lot of people are ugly.  Sure, we all wish we could date supermodels but after the sex, would we have anything in common to talk about?  Probably not.  So ladies, perhaps you might want to give a guy a break if he’s bald or pudgy or not so handsome but….yeesh…holy shit girl, that dude not just ugly, he a damn CHUD!

Only you can tell the difference between ugliness and CHUDness.

#6 – Smells bad.

Most men do.  We take pride in our farts.  But is the stench natural or CHUD-like?  You be the judge.  If you have to ask, you know the answer.  Run bitch, run.

#5 – Has bright yellow eyes.

Eyes aren’t supposed to glow.  Get out of there before you’re a snack.

#4 – Has pointy teeth.

We’re not talking just a lack of quality dental care.  We’re talking pointy, human biting teeth.

#3 – The best soldiers and police officers of the 1980s don’t seem like they’d be able to stop him.

But then again, they never could in any 1980s movie.

#2 – It’s like you’ve heard of him, but don’t really know him per se.

Yeah, I’ve heard ugly people be called CHUDS hundreds of times and have even been on the receiving end.  I understand the reference but to this day I have not bothered to watch the actual movie.  It’s one of those movies where you must be a real weirdo if you’ve bothered to seek it out and watch it.

#1 – He tried to eat you.

You’re better than that.  Don’t beat yourself up about it.  Just run and also know that you’re worthy of love that doesn’t lead to you ending up in a CHUD’s colon.  I know, that’s the most beautiful thing that’s ever been said to you.  What can I say?  I have a way with words.

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Movie Review – Home Again (2017)

Ugh…why did I waste my time on this stinkburger?

Oh, I know.  Because the East Randomtown Cineplex was all sold out on “It” tickets.

BQB here with a review of the poopfest that is “Home Again.”

If I wanted to write a parody of a romantic comedy, I would start with some vapid, surface level characters – beautiful people with beautiful people problems.  They’re rich and successful but they’re still sad because, I dunno, they’re not getting rich and successful in the exact way they’d like to be.  And they’re hot and attractive and have lots of dating options but can’t quite decide, out of the large pool of people who want to bang them, who to bang.

I’d add some boring, long drawn out conversations – a lot of “tell” instead of “show” and presto – a perfect romcom parody.

“Home Again” has all that and more.  Had they added a laugh track, it would have been the comedic event of the fall, poking fun at all of the romantic comedy tropes but alas, the rub is, this was a serious attempt at a romantic comedy that just fell flat.

Other than about an hour too long, I’m not sure what this movie is about.

The set-up is that Alice Kinney is a newly separated mom who has just moved her two kids to LA to live in the sprawling LA estate left to her by her wealthy Hollywood director father after his passing.  Oh, and her mother is a retired movie star played by Candace Bergen.  But the fact that Alice is rich and the offspring of Hollywood royalty is completely glossed over.  She’s struggling really hard to start her own interior decorator business and her client, played by Lake Bell, is being mean to her, and somehow you’re supposed to feel bad for Alice even though she’s rich enough that she could tell Lake to eat a bag of dicks if she wanted to.

During a 40th birthday celebration, Alice parties and meets three dudes.  They’re aspiring filmmakers including Harry, Teddy, and George (Pico Alexander, Nat Wolf and Jon Rudnitsky.)

The dudes are on the verge of a major movie deal – and you’re supposed to feel sorry for them because Hollywood suits are totally screwing with their artistic vision, even though, you know, we normal people, if offered any kind of Hollywood deal, would gladly suck a bag of dicks for it and let the suits know they can feel free to shit on our vision as much as they want as long as they back up the money truck to our houses.

Feeling sorry for the dudes because they have no place to stay, Alice allows the boys (all twenty somethings) to crash in her guest house.  Over time, a romance blooms between Alice and Harry.

It’s complicated because Alice hasn’t quite resolved things between her ex, Michael Sheen.  And Alice’s daughters start to get attached to the dudes, seeing them as quasi-uncle type figures.

At this point, the whole thing meanders and farts around, leaving the audience unsure as to what the hell is going on, what the point is, or if there even is one.

Perhaps the point is that older women shouldn’t feel ashamed if they fall for younger men.  Younger men shouldn’t necessarily even feel ashamed if they fall for older women.  Maybe age is just a number and as long as everyone is an adult of consenting age, then who cares?

The problem is at no time is that issue ever really explored.  A friend of Alice’s points out that older men go for younger women all the time so why shouldn’t Alice do the reverse?  True, but keep in mind that men are led by their boners while women are led by a desire for security.  Thus, an older man can hook a young babe as long as he’s willing to be treated like a human cash machine.  An older woman can snag a young guy as long as she’s still hot.

Reese is still hot, so it’s not like Harry’s really putting his ass on the line.  Further, at one point in the film, Alice goes on a date with a “man her age” and the 40 year old man is presented as a bald, bearded, unemployed, bumbling oaf.  The rub seems to be that women like to complain a lot about how men see them as objects and kick them to the curb when they get older even though its not their fault that time robs them of their beauty. The date with the “man her age” is presented as though Alice is really going to be fucked if she can’t make it work with Harry, otherwise she’ll have to settle for a bald old piece of shit even though, I mean, yeah it’s not like that fucker could have a brain or a heart or a soul because fuck him hair stopped growing on his head.

Men should stop pretending like older women can just will their knockers to not be saggy anymore.  It would just be great if women could stop pretending like older men could will hair back on top of their bald heads.  Let’s just all agree that time fucks us all over real good and agree to be nice to one another in spite of it, OK?

At any rate, the whole issue of May/December love between a young man and an older woman could be explored.  It raises a lot of questions.  What if Harry wants kids?  Alice already has two and she might not have much time left to have another.  Will Alice’s health decline before Harry’s?  Will Harry spend his prime years taking care of a sick old lady?  Harry may be a pretty boy but he has some depth.  He wants to succeed on his own.  Will it be too easy for him to just let Alice take care of him?  Oh wait, she’s a struggling decorator and you’re supposed to ignore her massive house.

What about Alice?  Will Harry understand her point of view when he didn’t live during the time period she grew up in?  Will he be able to understand her in any meaningful way?  Will a woman who has been through it all ever be able to see a babe in the woods just starting out as her true equal?

Getting some answers might have made the movie great, but all of that is glossed over.  Instead, we are offered a rather lazy excuse of a breakup.  A Hollywood hotshot keeps Harry in a meeting to make his movie for a long time, causing him to miss some shindig Alice invites him too.  She’s pissed and feels unloved so she dumps the lad, even though, you know, the average guy watching the movie is like, “Um but he’s in a meeting to make a movie and that like never happens so give the guy a break.” Thus, all of the older woman, younger man issues are left on the floor, unexplored.

So then I thought the point of the movie might be that it is possible to cultivate happiness out of a non-traditional family.  SPOILER ALERT – the film ends with Alice happy to be around the three dudes who are just going to be her friends and he ex-husband who is just going to be her friend.  In true Hollywood style understanding of a relationship, Alice will just be everyone’s friend forever, content to have nothing more out of her young suitor or her ex-husband, and I dunno, I guess she’ll just spend the rest of her life looking for that special romance where the guy shoots fireworks out of his ass and everyday is Mardi Gras.

That’s always been the problem with rom coms.  They just don’t play well in Peoria.  It’s love as understood by Hollywood people who have it all and can afford to navel gaze about their love lives well into eternity.

As for the rest of us, some tired old trailer park broad isn’t going to relate to a rich bitch who dumps a guy because he came home late from his once in a lifetime movie meeting deal.  Maybe if Harry had coldcocked Alice in the face because she drank the last beer and ragged on him for being unemployed, then you know, the average trailer park movie viewer might understand.

The rest of us in the real world gave up on perfect love long ago.  Just give us someone who we’re 95% percent sure isn’t going to stab us in our sleep and they can attend as many late movie deal meetings as they please.

STATUS:  Not-shelf worthy.  I took one for the team and saw it so you don’t have to.  Seriously, don’t take your date to this.  If I were a woman and a man were to take me to this movie I would give him no pussy.

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Is My Girlfriend a Witch?

First, I’m not asking that about Video Game Rack Fighter.  That woman is a Saint with the face of an angel.  At least I think she is.  She’s been playing Car Thief Mayhem for three weeks straight without a break not even for the bathroom. She just pees in a coffee can.

Second, just pointing out one of the top web searches leading people to this illustrious site is along the lines of “Is my girlfriend a witch?” or “my girlfriend is a witch” or “how to tell if your girlfriend is a witch?”

Listen bros.  I’m not relationship expert, but if you have to ask…

Anyway, in case you missed it, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Witch:

https://bookshelfbattle.com/2016/05/04/top-ten-warning-signs-your-girlfriend-might-be-a-witch-2/

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Bitches be green, y’all.

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BQB’s Classic Movie Reviews – The African Queen (1951) (And What It Taught Me About Love)

An oldie but a goodie, 3.5 readers.

In WW1 era Africa, British Methodist missionaries/brother and sister Sam and Rose Sayer (Robert Morley and Katherine Hepburn) run a religious village in Kungdu.  Alas, fighting breaks out between the Germans and British and then Germans will have nothing English in the region they control, so they burn the settlement down.

Sam dies from the shock of it all, leaving Rose with no one to depend on other than Charlie Allnut (Humphrey Bogart), a gruff, gin soaked riverboat captain who occasionally stops by to deliver the settlement’s supplies.

Charlie agrees to deliver Rose to safety on his junky boat, the African Queen.  The two are the original odd couple.  Charlie swigs booze and uses coarse language, much to the dismay of prim and proper, super religious Rose.

At first, the two hate each other.  Charlie looks at Rose as a pampered woman who wants to boss him around and make stupid moves that could get them killed, that she’s basically always been cared for and could never fend for herself so she should pipe down and let hnm be in charge.

Rose looks at Charlie like he’s a shaved baboon, that he can’t stop swigging gin for two seconds and he’s probably a pervert who wants her lady parts even though she’s covered in like twenty layers of clothing despite the hot African sun.

By the mid-point of the movie, the duo braves crocodiles, killer bugs, river rapids, murderous Germans and through it all, they start to grow rather fond of each other.

It is here where the film excels.  If the African Queen were to be remade today, there would probably be a five minute softcore scene where Channing Tatum bends Margot Robbie over a railing and has his way with her.

Here, we see Charlie and Rose kiss and then cut to the morning.  Maybe they humped.  Maybe they didn’t.  Honestly, given that it is a 1951 movie about 1914, they probably didn’t hump.  The kissing was enough for two people who just met in those days.

The film’s greatness as a love story comes through the fact that they portray love through, whodjthunkit, actual displays of love rather than banging scenes.

Charlie and Rose hated each other.  Now they dote upon one another.  They call each other “sweetheart” and “darling.”  Charlie learns that Rose likes tea so he never lets her cup go empty.  Rose learns to trust Charlie more and doesn’t assume that everything he does is a rouse to get under her twenty layers of clothing.

They work together to get the African Queen downriver.  They fight over who should do a dangerous duty, each demanding to risk their lives to spare the other, ultimately deciding to do it together when neither will back down.

It all culminates in a strangely touching scene when they are captured by Germans.  Sentenced to hang, they make one last request, that the German captain marry them.  They seem very happy in this instant, despite the fact that certain death is imminent.

I won’t spoil what happens next.  However, I think this film does more to display true love than what we see today, both on screen and perhaps even in our own relationships.

True, sex is the ultimate comfort.  It is the best experience that a human body can feel.  On screen, we like to see good looking people bone so we can imagine being one of them. Off screen, we look for partners who arouse us.

But it’s the times between sex that determine whether or not a relationship will last.  Do you call your other a pet name reserved only for him/her?  Do you hold their hand?  Tell them you love them?  Talk about the life you want to build together?  Get them a cup of tea and feel it is a blessing you have someone to get a cup of tea for rather than be made someone is making you get them a cup of tea?

These are all signs of long lasting love.  In 1951, the director of this film wasn’t able to show you that Charlie and Rose were in love by having them bone.  So instead, they showed all the things we all wish we had in a partner.  Ultimately, it all boils down to unconditional love, displayed through affection that is offered freely and never has to be asked for.

Because of this, I can picture Charlie and Rose moving away after their adventure and settling down together.  Meanwhile, all of these couples who meet and instantly bang in the throws of passion probably only last until they find someone else to bang.

Somehow, we all lost sight of what day to day love is.  Too much sex.  Not enough love.

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Movie Review – Colossal (2016)

Love and monsters!

BQB here with a review of the pleasant surprise that is “Colossal.”

Gloria (Anne Hathaway) is a mess.  She’s partying her life away and worse, she’s partied her boyfriend away.  Dumped and homeless, she returns to her home town only to reunite with childhood friend Oscar (Jason Sudeikis).

Gloria and Oscar have a tumultuous relationship with a lot of leftover baggage from their younger days.  And worse, for some bizarre, mysterious reason…when their passion turns to violence, their alter egos appear in Seoul, South Korea and wreak havoc.

Yes, that’s right.  Everything Gloria does is copied by a giant monster.  Everything Oscar does is copied by a giant robot.

My one criticism is the fight scenes between Gloria and Oscar often turn brutal, more brutal than you’d like to see between any couple and especially when we see a man lose control and hit a woman.  However, the challenge was that Gloria and Oscar must fight so that their monstrous alter egos fight and unfortunately the only way for that to happen was for the filmmaker to put instances of all too real domestic violence on screen.

The film could have gone a number of ways.  When I saw the trailer, I thought this movie was a comedy but it is anything but.  Humorous things could have been done but ultimately the monsters destroying the city trope is used to parallel the destruction that a squabbling couple can wreak upon each other as well as the world around them.

My main compliment is the director does a lot with a little.  There are brief scenes showing the monsters so as to not break the budget.  Otherwise, once the rules are explained (i.e. when Gloria and Oscar go wild, their counterparts destroy a city)…we become shocked by the littlest movements.  In other words, for the low cost of Anne Hathaway falling down on the grass, we can imagine a corresponding monster falling down and destroying a city block in the process.

In a time of sequels and reboots, this film is original, mashing up the romance and monster stomping the city genres.  And after all, when love fails, don’t we all feel like monsters stomping around the city out of control?

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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The Alleged Man’s Dating Woes

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

You may have noticed there wasn’t much in the way of good writing on this website in July.

First of all, there has never been any good writing on this website so why you would expect any now is beyond me.

Second, my alter ego, the Alleged Man, supposedly the man pretending to be me, BQB, has been suffering in the dating scene and for some reason, when AM suffers, my writing suffers.  Are the two related?  Probably not.

Anyway, AM is, God help us, 38 years old.  Yes, his first car was a brontosaurus and Abe Lincoln was his next door neighbor.

AM scored a couple of dates with a nice woman his age, also 38.  She was nice, but she dropped during conversation in date 1 that she didn’t want kids and on date 2 she repeated it.

AM pressed a little on how serious she was about this.  Perhaps she’d just encountered a terrible kid that day and it was fresh on her mind.  Perhaps she never met a man that would be a good father.

She doubled down.  Nope.  I don’t want kids.

So then it was like AM woke up from a coma.  He’d been depressed since turning 35, his lifelong dream of knocking up a woman with his super potent man seed seemed like it was becoming less likely with each passing year.

It began to concern AM that he might have missed his kid having window.  AM is pretty ugly.  That’s not a joke.  He’s a very ugly man and his ugliness causes most vaginas in his general vicinity to dry up like the Great Mojave Desert.  One time AM walked by a woman and a damn tumbleweed popped out of her vagina.  That’s how ugly AM is.

Seriously.  Don’t assume AM is just being down on himself.  The dude is ugly.  And fat.  He has a hardcore pizza addiction.  Also, he’s bald and gray.  He went gray so early.  His pubes look like he’s got Gandalf in a leg lock.

So, anyway, AM began worrying – well, what if my window has past?  Sure, a 100 year old man can father a child but that 100 year old man still needs to find a willing younger female.  Only men as rich and famous as our 45th POTUS can pull off getting a younger babe.

So AM’s worry was that if he had missed his baby making window, he’d be very sad, but he must turn his attention to finding a nice female companion to hold his hand into death which, holy shit, is getting closer and closer because that dickwad is 38.

Miraculously, shortly thereafter, AM scored some dates with a 32 year old.  “Huzzah,” AM said.  “I had a problem where I was worried I can’t find a woman to impregnate with my ultra manly super seed and then low and behold, a younger woman falls from the sky.  Surely she will want my ultra manly seed.  Problem solved.  Literally, the fastest a problem has ever been solved in AM’s life.”

Sigh.  On date 3, the 32 year old informs AM she doesn’t want kids either.

Thus, AM is in a bind.  Two women like him.  Neither wants kids.  He wonders if he were to end up with one of them would he be able to charm them into having kids.

He feels like maybe both women were silly to mention such a thing so early…unless they really meant it in which case they did the right thing by being up front as a more devious woman might have waited a year to say she doesn’t want kids and by then the man is hooked.

So maybe he could try to talk one into having kids but…i mean, there’s the rub.  If a woman is up front about not wanting kids, then a year from now if she doesn’t want kids, that’s the AM’s fault for not listening up front.

AM is torn.  He has been alone for a very long time.  Many years of solitude.  He has no luck with babes and suddenly has luck.  He doesn’t want to be alone but he doesn’t want to give up on kids either.

On one hand he feels it is a lot to ask- i.e. you just meet a woman and she basically says, “Hi I’m a stranger.  Abandon all hope of fatherhood now to proceed.”

He fears he’ll grow bitter if he doesn’t have kids.  However, he also fears that if just goes back to the drawing board, (i.e. says thank you for the dates, ladies, but i’d like to see if there are any uteruses out there that are still open for business) he will end up alone.  He’ll end up 45, hopeless and alone, wishing he’d accepted defeat on the kid issue and just taken on of these ladies as a life companion.

Both women have their reasons.  38 year old is concerned of the health risks of having a baby as an older woman.  32 year old is a wacky feminist who believes that having a baby will keep her from “doing something important with her life.”  BQB didn’t have the heart to tell her that she didn’t appear to be splitting the atom or curing cancer or doing anything really groundbreaking that a baby would interrupt.  He knew that would go over like a lead balloon.

In short, AM’s choices are a) pick one of two women who don’t want kids and assume he will not change their minds b) go back to the drawing board.  Maybe that means a woman who can’t wait to pop a kid out of her cooter will come soon, though more likely, AM will end up a very sad, lonely old man.

Also, before you get after AM about going out with 2 women – a) he hasn’t talked to the first in awhile and b) it’s just been like dinners and movies and shit.  No horizontal mambo action.

Discuss.  Help solve the Alleged Man’s problems as he is apparently so distraught this illustrious blog and the publication of Toilet Gator are on hold until he figures out what to do.

 

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Movie Review – The Big Sick (2017)

A breakup, heartache, a coma and comedy?

Yes, it’s probably the funniest movie about a coma you’ve ever seen.

BQB here with a review of “The Big Sick.”

You’ve seen comedian Kumail Nanjiani on HBO’s “Silicon Valley” where he delivers jokes with a cunning, deadpan style, often only alerting viewers that a joke has even taken place with a subtly playful eye movement.

Now comes his big screen debut in an autobiographical story about how he and his wife Emily found their own happily ever after.

In this film, Kumail plays himself.  He’s a Pakistani immigrant, his parents having moved to the US when he was a boy.  He’s struggling as a stand-up comic in Chicago when he meets Emily (Zoe Kazan playing a fictional version of Kumail’s real life wife Emily.)

The duo hits it off, finding that brilliant romance most of us can only dream about.  Alas, there’s a problem.  Kumail’s family are very traditional, devout Muslims.  In particular, his mother will accept nothing less than his marriage to a Pakistani Muslim woman.  Whenever Kumail visits for family dinner, his mother arranges for a different prospective Muslim girl to “drop in” in to meet her son.

Ultimately, Kumail is pressured, forced to choose between disappointing his family or disappointing a woman he sees as the great love of his life.  A fight ensues, a breakup occurs and shortly thereafter, Emily is hospitalized and put into a forced coma as doctors wrack their brains trying to figure out how to cure a freak, rare infection.

None of this sounds like it should be good fodder for comedy.  Honestly, there are many tender, touching moments that highlight the gut wrenching pain that comes with love – the choices we must make, the comprises we must make, the decisions we must make, all in the name of figuring out how to stay true to ourselves while making another person happy.

Kumail loves this woman, so much so that he parks himself in the hospital, waiting for his love to wake up.  This is to the great chagrin of Beth and Terry (Holly Hunter and Ray Romano), Emily’s parents who fly in to care for their daughter in her time of need.

Beth and Terry only know that their daughter’s last pre-coma thoughts of Kumail was that he was a dick who’d screwed the whole relationship up – not a great first impression to make on your prospective future in-laws.

Meanwhile, Emily’s illness is so rare that someone needs to do the legwork necessary to research it and check up on the doctors to see if they are making the right decisions.

It’s up to Kumail to try to save the day, to save his love, to win over her parents….all in all, a very tall order that most people are ill equipped to handle.

It’s an ambitious scenario to be certain.  In another comedian’s hands, it could have fallen flat.  However, as Kumail reaches his boiling point outside a fast food drive-thru, beating the crap out of a trash can when a cashier refuses to put extra cheese on his burger as he tries to satisfy a stress eating binge, we laugh…and we can relate.  We all have had those moments where life freaks us out to our tipping point.

Holly Hunter and Ray Romano are great as the parents.  Ray’s character is epically lonely, in search of a friend that he finds in Kumail.  This is actually the most acting I’ve ever seen Ray Romano do. Holly dumps on Kumail with reckless abandon until other people start dumping on Kumail and her mama grizzly bear claws come out.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  Good date film.  Time will tell if Kumail will be able to repeat this success, but he and Emily had such a unique, touching story that it really pays off on film.

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