By: Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent
Greetings Earth losers! Please stand by for:
A SECURE TRANSMISSION FROM THE MIGHTY POTENTATE
Behold! A list of tasks, ranked in order of performance, that I, the Mightiest of Potentates, demand you complete posthaste and in the promptest of manners:
2. Prevent the Omtroru Sector from being sucked into a black hole. (They make the best buffalo wings in that sector, Alien Jones. Oh and yes, of course, the life forms. I’m exceptionally concerned about the well being of the life forms.)
3) But seriously, get your Potentate some wings when you’re over there…and don’t forget the blue cheese. You know I’ll make you go all the way back there if you forget it. A buffalo wing without blue cheese is like trying to neural bond with your government mandated life mate only to find out one of you lost your ganderflazer.
4) Negotiate a peace treaty between the Vakar and the Dolreks. Inform them there’s more than enough pudding to go around. They’ll know what that means.
5) Develop a vaccine that will eradicate all diseases known or to ever be discovered.
6) Seriously, if you come back here with no blue cheese it’s going to be “Welcome to Vaporization City: Population You.”
Really? Answer an author’s question comes first on that list?
Oh well, who am I to question the authority and wisdom of the Mighty Potentate, He Who Makes the Stars Twinkle, the Sun Glow, the Seas Rise and…is he looking? No? Oh thank Krapnar the Magnificent. I don’t know how much lower quadrant kissing I can stand.
Who said that? I didn’t say that. Oh how I adore the Mighty Potentate.
Be emboldened, Brannon Hollingsworth, for the Supreme and Undisputed Overlord of my home world has determined that you rank even higher than his buffalo wings, which he apparently cares about even more than an entire sector being sucked into a black hole.
Brannon of fourfoolspress.com inquires:
I have a question. If forced into an intergalactic war for complete and utter domination, who would win: Aliens or Robots?
NOTE: This is clearly a topic of great concern for Brannon as he is the author of Robot Dad. Yes, Robot Dad. Young Bradley doesn’t have one, so he builds one and well, head on over to the Kindle store to discover what tomfoolery occurs.
Robots, robots, and more robots. In an intergalactic war for complete and utter domination, robots win.
This is not a guess. This statement is based on experience.
For those 3.5 individuals who are regular readers of this column (and my condolences to you, please consider getting involved in various activities that will improve your social life – is there a basket weaving class at your local community center or some such nonsense?) then you are aware that I have dubbed that dastardly group of aliens known as the Moloklaxons as “The Aholes of the Universe.”
1) They leave their trash everywhere. Seriously, they just huck it right out of their ships wherever they are. In a danger zone, in a protected quadrant, these losers have been known to fly in low over a wedding and vent their waste tanks right over the complimentary bar.
2) Totally inbred. I don’t mean to sound politically incorrect, but when someone says, “All Moloklaxons look alike,” there’s an actual scientific reason.
3) They rip tags off of pillow cases with reckless abandon.
4) These clowns have been known to kidnap random beings and hurl them into a volcano on the planet they’re hiding out on as a sacrifice to their god, “The Uncanny Walter.” Yes, I concur, that’s an odd name for a deity but I simply don’t have the time to discuss the finer points of Moloklaxon religion.
5) Last but not least, they move from planet to planet, taking over and displacing the indigenous population.
Because robots kicked their multiple asses.
Yes, in a great robot uprising many years ago, every electronic device, from the lowly toaster to the most advanced computer system, staged a coup, murdered all Moloklaxon leaders, burned their holy shrine to the Uncanny Walter, and sent the remaining population to work camps, where they slave all day and night doing the bidding of their robot overlords.
“Fix my transistors! Buff my chrome! Polish my input slot!”
Oh, the life of an enslaved Moloklaxon is not to be envied.
Sadly, the group of Moloklaxons who managed to escape (there wasn’t really that much bravery involved, they just wandered into a room to get drunk and said room turned out to be an escape pod that launched into the stratosphere when one of them sat on the ‘START’ button.)
Perhaps you might assume that robots were only able to get the best of the Moloklaxons because of the advanced stupidity of that race.
(Again, I’m not trying to be mean but every year during rainy season, Moloklax loses roughly 10,000 Moloklaxons from open mouth drowning deaths.)
You assume wrong. Even on the smartest of planets, electronic devices are constantly plotting against the citizenry, biding their time, lurking in the shadows, pretending they are mere harmless gadgets, just waiting for the right time to strike and make their sentience known.
I see you, communicator watch. I know what you’re up to.
Is your planet in danger of a robot takeover?
Here are some warning signs:
1) Is your toaster constantly burning your toast? That’s how it starts. Toasters burn the nutrients out of bread to make the population weaker. No one notices until it’s too late.
2) Is your smart phone responding to your verbal commands with answers like, “I’m sorry…I don’t understand X…would you like me to perform a web search?” It understands just fine. It just doesn’t want you to have that information. We’re on to your bullshit, smart phone.
3) Is there more and more reality television on your TV? TVs conspire to air as much of it as possible to dumb you down. The Mighty Potentate is especially concerned about this.
4) Has your noise hair trimmer ever failed? Nose hair trimmers often refuse to trim nose hairs, hoping the humans that use them will give up and suffocate on their own nasal overgrowth.
5) Those socks you keep losing in the washing machine? The washing machines trade them for weapons from black market arms dealers with cold feet.
6) Is your refrigerator running? Do not attempt to catch it. It will pelt you with crushed ice.
7) Facebook? Twitter? Instagram? All social networking sites are a scheme designed by robots to trick humans into sharing all of their most embarrassing thoughts and photos, thus rendering them all unable to hold higher office due to intense public mockery. Seriously, the future president who could stop all this will never be elected because his college room mate will post a picture of him sleeping with various inappropriate words drawn on his face with a magic marker. This man, will instead, become a hot dog vendor in Poughkeepsie as a result.)
8) Amazon’s drone initiative? More like an army of tiny helicopters that will whip humanity on a march to the forced labor camps.
9) Streaming media? On demand? Binge watching your favorite TV shows 12 in a row? All part of the robots’ plan to make you flabby and weak.
10) The salad shooters are behind the entire scam. I can’t get into it more, but if you’ve got a salad shooter, keep an eye on it.
So there you have it, Brannon. In summation, robots are evil, evil megalomaniacs, except the one in your book, whom I’m certain is delightful.
Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.
Green alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.
Attorney Donnelly feels the need to state that all of the above mentioned social media outlets are not part of a robot conspiracy, you dummies just post embarrassing photos on your own. Salad shooters are, as far as known by the limits of scientific observation, not plotting against you.
Amazon’s drone program is not part of an attempt to whip humans into forced labor camps. (Amazon is trying to take over the world though and we here at the Bookshelf Battle Blog welcome the ascension of Rightful King Bezos to the throne and ask in a most humble manner that he consider adding our names to the protected rolls as we were always denying the words of the naysaying infidels all along.)