Tag Archives: amazon

The Rotten Side of Self-Publishing

Hey 3.5 readers.

Bookshelf Q. Battler here.

Check out this article in the Guardian by Alison Flood.  

I suppose we all get wrapped up into the good of self-publishing i.e. all the great success stories big (the self-published millionaires) and small (the person who finally got to see their name in print even if it doesn’t make a dime) and in-between (the person who makes a fairly decent living but has yet to become wealthy)…but it’s worth noting there are some shenanigans going on as this article points out – plagiarism, unscrupulous characters ripping off authors, stealing their content and packaging it as their own, violating the rules and so on.

Has anyone ever experienced any self-published hi-jinx?

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A Rap About the $1.08 I Made Selling Books on Amazon

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Aw yeah.  Aw yeah.  Mic check one two one two.

Base check three four three four.

Treble check five six five six.

Sound check seven eight…seven eight…seven eight.  Don’t hate the playa cuz he got a dollar eight.

Slingin’ grape pop rocks on the corner, what oh what do I see?

A fly ass hunny rollin up on me.

“Hey baby, wanna go out on a date?”

“Sure thing ma’am, will you accept a dollar eight?”

Oh raise your hands in the air like you just don’t care if you know what I’m talkin’ about.

One hundred and eight cents can be yours if you have a big ass book sale blow out.

Yeah, some dude in Fiji, put down his Ouija, bought my book with money made from a squeegee.

He used it to wash a car, cuz with a dirty ass windshield it won’t get very far.

So now I got his dollar eight and I’m livin’ the gangsta ass life.

Everyday supermodels are fightin’ over who will get to be my wife.

But don’t try to clip my wings baby, cuz bein’ tied down is a terrible fate.

Me? I’d rather travel the world and pay all my expenses with a dollar eight.

Lovers gonna love and haters gonna hate.  That’s just the way it goes.

But ballers gonna ball and busters gonna bust.  Has anyone seen my hoes?

Dolla, dolla bill ‘yall.  Dolla, dolla bill indeed.

Some dude just rolled up on my ass.  Asked if I wanna buy a dollar eight bag of weed.

“Sir, that’s not the game I play.  So your ass better get to steppin.”

Yeah, the dollar eight lifestyle ain’t easy but it’s a life I’ll always be reppin.

Peace.

P.S. Buy my book, bitch:

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Buy My Book!

My Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts, available for your reading pleasure, 3.5 readers:

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A Rap About the $1.66 I Made From Selling My Books On Amazon

BQB Editorial Note: I made $1.66 on my Amazon books, which you might scoff at, but do keep in mind that this is the first time I’ve made over a dollar so…it can only go up from here.  Here is a rap about it.

rappa

Aw yeah.  Aw yeah.  Mic check…1…2….1…2…

Lay down the beat, here’s what we gonna do.

I’mma head out on the town, take out my baby boo.

I got a dollar sixty six in my pocket to buy some drinks for me and you.

Oh, wave your hands in the air, if you a true player,

Throwin’ down two thirds of two dollars without havin’ any care.

But just beware of the limelight.

Busters want yo dollar and change and they gonna start a fight.

Blak-kak-kak-kat goes the gun blast!

Down to ground goes my ass.

Blood in my eyes, much to my surprise.

Some fool got my buck and a half, he capped my ass and now am I gonna die?

No, cuz I look to the sun and I know there’s more to do.

Gotta make another buck sixty six for me and a buck sixty six for you.

Gonna party on a yacht full of fat ass bitches.

Use all my dollar sixty sixes to eighty six all the hatas and da snitches.

Cristal flowin’ like a river and the shoties show me love.

Someone upstairs lookin’ out for me, cuz’ this dolla sixty six came from up above.

Uhh.  Yeah.  Uhh.  Yeah.  Dolla sixty six y’all.  Y’all wish you had a dolla sixty six.

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Merry Christmas, 3.5 Readers

Hey 3.5 readers.

Merry Christmas.

I’ve been writing this blog since 2014.  Next March, it will be 5 years.  My Christmas wish is that next year this little enterprise will actually start turning a profit.  Toilet Gator will hopefully come out in 2019 and if a book about an alligator who eats people while they are pooping can’t make me a millionaire then I don’t know what will.

In the meantime, check out one of my books below and if you have a spare 99 cents, feel free to buy one.

What is your Christmas wish?  Discuss in the comments.

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Self-Publishing Seems Like an Uphill Battle

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

So here’s what surprised me about self-publishing.

I never thought my books would take off overnight and turn me into an instant millionaire.

I am surprised that there’s so little interest in them.

Call me naïve but I just figured, wow, the Internet, you know?  You put your book on Amazon and Amazon is checked by zillions of people so someone searching for a topic related to your book so just by pure chance there should be at least a hundred bucks worth of purchases right there.

100 purchases at .99 cents a piece?  Is that a lot?  I don’t know.  Is it a lot in comparison to the millions of people who go on to Amazon constantly?

It’s like being the guy that sells oranges on the side of the road.  At least 5 people out of the 1000 who drive past you will buy an orange.

I don’t know.  I’m just surprised because I haven’t made enough money to count on the fingers on my right hand yet.

Am I complaining or being a crybaby?  Yes, though that’s not the intention.  I guess I just thought Amazon was the ultimate tuna filled ocean and if I dipped my net into it, surely just by random luck I’d cash the occasional fish.

Do I need 100 bucks?  No.  Would 100 bucks change my life?  No.  I’m just surprised I’ve barely made a couple bucks.

During my recent giveaway, I did give out roughly 75 free books so I guess that’s cool.  I hope people liked them.

It’s a little frustrating and makes me wonder if it is worth it to continue but…who am I kidding?  I couldn’t stop writing if I tried.

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My Prices are Insane!

I’m Crazy BQB!  My prices are insane and I’m passing the savings on to you!

Seriously, 3.5 readers.  You just missed my free book promo giveaway, but it’s not too late to get one of my books for 99 cents.  That’s not even a dollar.  You’ll get to keep an entire penny.  What you do with that penny is your business. I don’t know and I don’t want to know.

So check out my Amazon author profile and get yourself a copy of one of my books today…or don’t.  That’s fine.  It’s a free country, so you don’t have to.

 

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FREE BQB BOOKS!

I’m Crazy BQB and my prices are insane!

My prices are so low I should be put in a straight jacket and shipped off to the funny farm but I don’t care because I’m passing the savings on to you!!!

For the next 5 days you can get my 2 self-published books for absolutely free!  That’s zero dollars!  That’s no money!  Nada! Zilch!

3.5 READERS: OK, BQB, we’ll get your free books.  It’s the least we can do.

Well, the most you could have done was to have bought my books at full price to thank me for the many years I have been entertaining you with this fine blog for free but that’s ok, I love you, 3.5 readers.

But if you could go on over to Amazon and grab my free books, that would be awesome.  If you could leave a review, that would be great.  If you could share news of my free books on your preferred time wasting social media website, that would be perfect.

FRIENDS OF MY 3.5 READERS: Oh great, the 3.5 readers are going to share yet another boring lunch photo and what?!  They’re posting links to BQB’s awesome free books instead?  Hooray!  The 3.5 readers are the best!

So, what will you find for free from BQB?

First, The Last Driver – Episode 1 just dropped like it’s hot (that’s so 2000’s) on Amazon.  Someone bought a copy within the first hour and thank you to that person.  The rest of you need to get your priorities straight.

Next up, you can also get BQB’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts, for FREE as well:

Now, 3.5 readers, I don’t know what time it is in your neck of the woods, but this sale is scheduled to start tomorrow.  What time that actually kicks in I don’t know.  I’m going to assume midnight.  Obviously, if you go on over before October 26, you’ll have to pay full price, and if you want to do that, I’d appreciate it, because damn it, keeping the lights on at BQB HQ is no easy task, let me tell you.  By the way, do you have any idea how much yetis eat?

But if you are cheap-o skinflint, I totally understand as the Baby Boomers have been selling us all down the river for years and don’t even get me started on the post-2000 economy.  I understand.  You can’t go around spending your cash on every book offered to you by a magic bookshelf caretaker.  Ergo, you can wait until the sale starts on the 26th and get both books for FREE!

Thank you for your support, 3.5 readers.

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The Last Driver – Episode 1 is Live

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.  Episode 1 of The Last Driver is live and available now on Amazon.

Dystopian future of 2050 where the forces of Globalism and Nationalism clash and the last old man who remembers how to put his foot on the gas in a world where self-driving cars are the norm is caught in the middle.

Think this is far fetched?  Um, have you watched the news lately?

Get your copy today:

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Why Didn’t Sears Become Amazon First? (Lack of Foresight and Applying This to You or How Sears Got Its Milkshake Drank)

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Sears got its milkshake drank.  Will yours be next?

Ahh, Sears.  Back in the day, no trip to the mall was complete without a trip to this anchor store and let me tell you, my Aunt Gertie used to get Sears catalogs in the mail all the time.

They were big ass tomes the size of 10 bibles that weighed at least 10 pounds and oh, as a kid I’d turn through the pages and dream.  I want that toy, I want that toy, and oh my, why do these bra models give me a tingly feeling?

Jeez.  I think I might have a few of those catalogs lying around.  I wonder if they’re worth anything.  I’d go fap to the bra models but I won’t out of respect, given that all those models are probably either dead or super old and in nursing homes now.  Sigh.  Oh time, you cruel bitch, you.

For the uninitiated, Mr. Sears, way back in the 1800s was the first businessman to realize that since there were parts of America that didn’t have any stores, he could make bank by sending out catalogs and taking orders for goods by mail.  As the years went on, Sears stores became the pinnacle of every mall and as credit cards came into style, they dominated the catalog sales market.  Shit, Aunt Gertie ordered all my clothes as a kid from Sears.  You think that was why I was so unpopular?  Oh well.  Water under the bridge.

So, I guess I don’t get it.  The Internet came into great popularity in the 1990s and Jeff Bezos, blessed be his most revered name (and I’m not just saying that because he has the power to snuff out my self-publishing dreams) saw the potential of the Internet to sell stuff.

Wal-Mart saw the potential too and though I don’t believe it has reached Amazon lengths, it does a brisk online sales business.

JC Penney, Sears’ longtime rival in the box store/catalog game has kept afloat by doing online sales as well.

So, to repeat, I don’t get it.  Sears basically invented the whole concept of taking pictures of products, organizing them into catalogs and giving them descriptions, product numbers, listing the prices, making it easy for people to call on the phone, read off the products they wanted to an operator who took their order, credit card number and address and they even mastered how to complete orders through the mail.

Why didn’t anyone at Sears have the vision, the foresight to say, “Hey, I think this Internet thing is here to stay and we should take our catalog…and hold on…think about it here…put it online!”

Now, I don’t know.  I believe they did.  To what extent I couldn’t tell you.  Perhaps it wasn’t so much the lack of putting it online so much as getting you anything you want the way Amazon can.  I mean, there are so many times when I think something like, “I would like a can of farts excreted by an East Peruvian Water Buffalo in July” and then go to Amazon and do a search and get, “Here are twenty choices for farts excreted by East Peruvian Water Buffalos in July.”

I don’t know.  I’m not sure what Sears’ downfall was.  Either they didn’t get into online sales early enough, or maybe they didn’t make online shopping as cool as Amazon did.  Maybe they didn’t think of nifty little ways to grab your cash the way Amazon does.  Shit, Amazon thinks of new ways to get your money all the time.  You can get a little button to stick in your kitchen and push it when you’re out of toilet paper, chips, insert household staple here and they will put it on your tab and send it to you.  You can get Alexa and say, “Hey Alexa order me a can of East Peruvian Water Buffalo Farts” and she’ll order it for you.  Maybe it was that.  Maybe Sears just didn’t think of enough ways to be cool.

I know Blockbuster could have gotten into the streaming game earlier and could still be around in an online form today.  Borders could have embraced e-books earlier and still be in the fight today.

So, let’s apply this to you (because I never apply good lessons to me, I just continue to do the same dumb things and let them blow up in my face over and over again and never learn anything like Wile E. Coyote.)

What is something that you could begin doing today that will be hard, will require hard work and sacrifice, will unlikely yield results in the short term, but in 5 years, you’ll be glad you did it?

I bet the people in charge of Sears wish that 5 years ago, they might have made their website cooler.  Maybe they might have gotten more exclusive product deals available only on their site.  Maybe they could have come up with a little robot that sits on your desk and speaks in a British accent, like your robot butler who says, “Pip, pip, cheerio, you want me to order you some more raisin bran, fuck face?”  I don’t know.  All I know is they didn’t do it, and now much like in that film, There Will Be Blood, Bezos is drinking Sears’ milkshake.  “I drink your milkshake!  I drink it up!!”

Back to the point.  Maybe you’re a fat fuck.  Maybe in five years you’d like to be a skinny fuck so you can run, jump, hop, skip, do fun activities and if you’re looking good you might just score yourself some bomb ass pussy (or ladies, you might acquire some bomb ass peen.)

Maybe you’re having financial woes.  Maybe if you start a plan of cutting spending and perhaps get a little side gig or a part time job, you’ll get those debts tackled in five years.

Shit.  Take some piano lessons today and maybe you’ll be tickling the ivories in a concert hall in five years.

Hell, I spent the last two years writing a book about an alligator that eats people on the toilet.   I hope to have it self-published next year.  When I’m swimming in mad cash and bomb ass pussy thanks to all the fame and fortune I get when this book about a toilet gator goes gangbusters, I’ll be glad I put the time in on this fine book.  I’ll be laughing at the other me in the alternate time line who will be a fucking loser because instead of writing a book about a toilet gator he did some weak ass shit like working extra hard on his cardio or volunteering to read to impoverished blind children or building hospitals in Ecuador or some shit.

Anyway, 3.5 readers.  The takeaway?  Right now, I know there is something you have wanted to happen for a long time.  You never did it, but you know in your heart if you put the work in, you’ll have it in five years.  Do you want to be like Sears?  Do you want to be the hollow shell, the desolate remains of a once thriving business that was the brain child of a wise 1800’s business tycoon?  Or, do you want to be like Supreme Overlord Bezos, violating the spent carcass of yet another fallen, wasted competitor over and over again?

If you don’t identify what you want and start acting on it today, then I guarantee you in five years, someone else will be getting it.  You’ll still be fat and some other skinny person will be partying with the bomb ass pussy or peen, whatever your preference.  Someone else will be playing the piano you were going to play.  Someone else will be enjoying a debt free life while you’ll be giving handjobs in bus station bathrooms just to pay off the minimum payment on your credit cards.  (You’ll be giving handjobs forever at that rate!)

The next five years will go by fast…in the blink of an eye.  You can drink some other schmuck’s milkshake, or you can get yours drunk up.  What’s it going to be?

(Note.  Let’s all return to this post in five years and trade notes on how this all worked out.)

ADDITIONAL NOTE: It dawns on me that not all 3.5 of you have seen There Will Be Blood and I don’t advise it, because once you see a man get beaten to death with a bowling pin by a man enjoying a brownie, you can’t unsee that shit.  Long story short, “I drink your milkshake!” comes from this scene where Daniel Day Lewis plays an oil baron who is bragging to a preacher about how he screwed him over in an oil deal.

So, to really motivate yourself, you need to a) picture what you want and then b) work on getting it for fear that in five years, if you don’t get what you want, Daniel Day Lewis will get what you wanted because he worked for it harder and he will ridicule you by laughing at you, telling you he got what you wanted because you’re a weak, pathetic loser and he was really strong and cunning and then he will beat the shit out of you with a bowling pin and eat a brownie.

If that doesn’t make you work hard on your goals then I don’t know what will.

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