Tag Archives: amazon

I’m Number 1! I’m Number 1!

Hey 3.5 readers.

Just a fun note. Thanks to a Freebooksy feature, my short story, Freefall is as of this post:

1 in 90-Minute Literature & Fiction Short Reads

1 in 90-Minute Mystery, Thriller & Suspense Short Reads

2 in Single Authors Short Stories

Sorry, I didn’t know it would make the text that big when I cut and pasted it. Also, it is number 91 Free in the kindle store, which if my memory serves, I believe that is the first time I ever cracked the top 100 free.

In total, I was able to give away 1,055 free copies in one day of this fine book about a man who guys skydiving only to discover his primary and backup ripcords have been sabotaged.

As a bonus, 6 copies of my other books were sold. The proceeds were big enough that I can supersize my next taco. I know, sometimes it is frustrating…you give away 1,000 books and only sell 6…but I’ve noticed that when you do a promo like this, the reviews and ratings tend to trickle in over the next few months, which I assume means people grab up a free copy, then let it sit on their virtual shelf until they get around to reading it. At any rate, at least 1,000 copies are out there.

BTW, as some free self publishing advice, it really is all about the cover. I have done 2 freebooksy features for most of my books (a few I have only done 1). For all, I noticed a good return the first time, and a declining return the next time, which I assume a lot of people who use freebooksy grabbed it before and weren’t as interested the second time around (though the returns were still enough to make it worth buying a second feature.)

But this second go around for Freefall, the returns were still high, which tells me people see this poor schmuck holding his cut ripcord and want to find out what happens. Do you want to find out what happens? Grab your free copy!

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GET A FREE BOOK!

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal BQB here, reminding you, yes you, that you can get my book, “FREEFALL” for FREE because it is free all this weekend, which means you don’t have to pay for it.

PAYING FOR STUFF = BOO!

NOT PAYING FOR STUFF = HOORAY!

Get your free copy posthaste:

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GET A FREE BOOK!

FREE STUFF!

Sing it with me, 3.5 readers. Ohhhhhh…FREE stuff is good. FREE stuff is great! FREE stuff is the best! FREE stuff is better than all the rest!

Why is FREE stuff awesome? Because it’s FREE. Why, 11 out of 7 scientists at the Advanced Institute For Bogus Statistics agree that the reason why FREE stuff is good is because you don’t have to pay for it. That means that you get something while not having to part with your money.

You earned that money, possibly by doing one of the following:

#1 – Winning the lottery

#2 – Fighting a duel with river pirates for it using your ninja skills

#3 – You were walking through the forest one day and came across a dead man holding a stack of bills. You looked around, saw no one watching, then just took it because hey, it’s not like he needed it anymore. Then again, maybe he had a family with bills to pay, you insensitive son of a…

#4 – You inherited from your long estranged, Great Great Great Great Great Uncle Tiberius, who left a provision in his last will and testament that you will get a lot of moolah if you survive one night in a haunted house. You laugh, but many a 1960s horror film started in exactly this manner. For some reason, many of the 1960s elderly wanted their younger kin to spend nights in haunted houses. Toughened them up, I suppose. I mean, the old people of that time were born in the late 1800s, a time before toilets, TV, and basic civil rights so they probably didn’t think asking their descendants to spend a night in a haunted house was that big a deal.

#5 – My advisors advise me this is the most likely scenario – you worked for it. You performed a series of tasks in a job in which you are gainfully employed and received fair market value compensation for your time. BRAVO! (Though you really should have fought pirates for it. Lazy.)

Anyway you got your dough, you should keep it. Don’t spend it on my book because my book is free. Instead, spend your money on:

#1 – Candy. 78 out of 5 Bogus Stat Scientists say it is good for the lumbago.

#2 – Robot friends. Don’t bother with human friends. They are very fussy and more often than not, they disappoint. Instead, buy your very own robot friend and program it to like you.

#3 – Puppies.

#4 – Bribes to the King of Norway to meet Thor. You know he can hook that up.

#5 – A robust and healthy combination of goods/services/shelter you need to survive, along with a good habit of saving, a strategy that includes cash reserves in the bank as well as a modest stock, bond and mutual fund portfolio to ensure that you won’t have to peddle your wares under a bridge well into advanced age just to make ends meet. My advisors advise me this is totes what you should be doing with the money you saved by not buying my book.

WHAT IS THE BOOK ABOUT?

Finally, like ten minutes into this post, you ask. CONSPIRACY THEORIES RUN AMUCK! There is a homeless man. He shouts conspiracy theories at everyone all day. Most think he is a kook, but apparently he has stumbled on something that puts a bee in the bonnet of a certain government agency that may or may not exist.

GET YOUR FREE COPY TODAY!

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GET A FREE BOOK!

I’m Crazy BQB and my book prices are so low, I’m giving them away! Bah ha ha!

3.5 READERS: BQB, how low are your book prices?

BQB: I’m glad you asked. My book prices are lower than:

#1 – A crooked Congressman

#2 – A snake trying to win a limbo contest

#3 – That shawty in the Flo-Rida song with the apple bottom jeans and the boots with the fur who got low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low (while the whole club was looking at her.

In conclusion, get this free book?

WHAT’S IT ABOUT?

Was there a low point in your life? (BTW the price of this book is lower than that.)

Maybe don’t feel too bad about that low point. Maybe that bad thing that happened turned out to be the best thing for the world.

Case in point. Evan Brooks has wasted his life pining for his ex, “the one that got away.” After some interference from a mysterious stranger, he learns their break-up was the best thing for the world, for by going their separate ways, they avoided having a son who becomes the world’s worst dictator. Now that he sees that world, Evan will have to figure out how to put the world above his own selfish needs.

BTW – IT’S FREE!

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Get a FREE BOOK!

It’s official, 3.5 readers. Like a monk, I’ve taken a vow of poverty so I can pass on all the FREE BOOK savings to you.

When you download my book for FREE, what will you do with the savings?

Possibilities:

#1 – Book a cruise. Meet the love of your live. Let your spouse down easy.

#2 – Buy a mansion. Hire a butler. Forget to tell your fam your new address.

#3 – Buy a major league baseball team. Learn about baseball so you can tell them how to play.

#4 – None of these things, because my book was only .99 cents to begin with, but with that extra almost-buck, you could put some extra cheese on your taco.

In conclusion, get my FREE BOOK FOR FREE with the awesome cost savings, you can put extra cheese on your taco:

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BQB on Freebooksy

Hey 3.5 readers.

Just a reminder my book, “The Phone Did It” is super free this weekend, so free that I paid for a listing on Freebooksy, an awesome site that promotes free books when they are indeed, free.

FAQS:

Q – BQB, will I have to pay for your book?

A – No, because it is totes free.

Q – That’s good because I hate paying for stuff.

A – That’s good because I hate earning money for stuff.

Q – Wow! We’re a match made in heaven then.

A – Yes we are.

And look! I was put together in a posting with a free book about what I assume is a crime solving cat, so you could check out this link, get my book for free, get a book about a crime fighting cat for free…look, let’s face it, before you saw this post, your day was going to be bupkus but now? Now you get a free book about an evil phone, a crime solving kitty cat, and plenty of other freebooksy books.

Click on the crime fighting cat and you will see my book a few books down:

Q – BQB, I was just kidding. I hate free stuff. I love to pay for things.

A – Oh, then you shouldn’t click on this link and get a free copy of my book. You should totes wait a few days and buy a copy of my book when it goes back to $2.99. I would hate earning money from the fruits of my labor. I really would.

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GET A FREE WEREWOLF BOOK!

Werewolves. Books. You love them both, now get both…FOR FREE ALL THIS WEEKEND:

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Movie Review – The Tomorrow War (2021)

Aliens! Time travel! Chris Pratt’s Aw Shucks Everyman Demeanor!

BQB here with a review of Amazon’s latest (first?) sci-fi blockbuster.

In its early days, streaming media brought us a new age of golden television, with a lot of hits coming to the forefront that would have otherwise been lost. Lately, in the past few years, IMO, streaming service generated movies and/or TV have been rather stale, stagnant – devised by committee tripe designed to appeal to the widest possible audience without really achieving anything.

In my further opinion, Amazon has been the worst at creating its own content. At least Netflix gave us House of Cards and Stranger Things. Hulu gave us The Handmaid’s Tale, though it looks like they’re going to milk that for all its worth and never come up with something new.

Amazon has had a couple of interesting flicks here and there. While I would never watch it again for fear of being swept into a depression coma, Manchester-by-the-Sea was a sad, poignant study of how sometimes a man can screw up his life so badly that a happy ending is simply not possible. I also enjoyed 2019’s The Aeronauts, about a death defying flight in a hot air balloon in the 1800s.

But by and large, Amazon really stunk it up. I finally ponied up the dough for their streaming service in March to watching Coming to America 2 and while it had its fun moments, it was sad, watching the great comedian Eddie Murphy, who no doubt still has plenty of funny left in him, be proverbially chained up like a captured tiger in a cage, unable to roar and make us roar with laughter because, OMG, he might offend someone somewhere and Amazon can’t have that. Someone might get so offended they might go to another service that will allow them to buy a toothbrush and a tin drum of popcorn and a pair of fuzzy bunny slippers and have them delivered the next day by a minimum wage worker who has to pee in a jar because they aren’t allowed pee breaks.

Where was I? Oh, right. A movie review. Anyway, I’d been thinking about getting around to cancelling Amazon Prime because the movies weren’t worth the monthly cost, and sure Prime allowed my fuzzy bunny slippers to be delivered earlier, but I’d rather wait and save the dough. But I’ll admit this movie was pretty good and thus I’ll wait a bit longer to cancel the service.

Chris Pratt stars as an Iraq War veteran turned high school science teacher who dreams of doing something big with his life, but can’t catch a break. He’s married to hottie Betty Gilpin and has a daughter but he dreams of doing great things with science. One wonders, if he dreams so much of being a great science, why he doesn’t go study more science, but it is a movie.

Time travelers from the future arrive to inform us that in 30 years, the world will be overrun by freaking scary ass aliens. A debate ensues as to whether or not present folk should venture forth into the future to assist future people in the fight. Some say yes because these people are our collective kids. Some say no because, you know, the aliens aren’t attacking us now so eff the future people, it’s their problem.

The debate becomes moot when a worldwide draft is handed down, and literally everyone and I mean everyone is drafted. Dark humor ensues at the start of the film when Pratt is drafted and with his soldier training, most lead a rag tag group of civilians against an alien horde. You’ve got people showing up to fight in regular clothes, grandmas struggling just to put their boots on, people who have never handled a gun before, it’s a mess. But that’s how bad the problem is – doesn’t matter if you’re old or incompetent at fighting, if you have a pulse, the govt will stick a gun in your hand and demand you travel to the future to fight aliens.

Amidst this chaos, Pratt meets his daughter, all grown up (Yvonne Strahovski.) They could have played up the father/daughter working together while they are the same age angle more, maybe even for laughs, but they did it very straight here, Pratt’s character mostly following her orders out of respect for her position though occasionally breaking rank at times where, hey, he’s not going to let anything happen to his kid, rules be damned.

Rounding out the cast is JK Simmons as Pratt’s estranged father, who is given a chance to redeem himself in the fight.

Overall, it’s a good movie that somehow survived Amazon’s design a film by committee so as to appeal to everyone and not offend anyone strategy and if theaters were open to full strength, it would have been enjoyable to watch this on the big screen with surround sound. As with many action sci-fi films, a lot of suspension of disbelief is required and there are dumb moments, but hey, it’s got guns and aliens, so it’s worth a watch.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy, but I still haven’t forgiven Amazon for muzzling Eddie.

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Two Free Books This Weekend!

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal BQB here.

I’m giving away two books for FREE this weekend. That means you don’t have to pay for them.

The first is a collection of my shorts (which are twisted) and the second is the first issue about a superhero who quits.

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GET A FREE BOOK! (IT IS FREE)

Free stuff = good.

Paid for stuff = bad.

My book, The Second Death, is FREE all this weekend.

Ergo, it must be good.

Think about that flawless logic as you get your FREE copy:

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