I’m mildly famous Internet celebrity, Bookshelf Q. Battler, host of a website that reaches a broad swath of 3.5 readers.
On this blog, I’ve discussed in extensive detail my dream of becoming a published writer.
But I also have a second dream, one that I’m ashamed to say I haven’t talked about enough.
I yearn for a day when the medical community discovers a cure to Lightning Infused Toaster Pastry Toilet Death.
I know. You have questions. I’ve taken the liberty of a FAQ.
WHAT IS LIGHTNING INFUSED TOASTER PASTERY TOILET DEATH?
It happens when:
- You plug way too many electrical devices and/or appliances into an overburdened wall socket.
- A terrible storm occurs.
- In the middle of the storm, you get hungry and pop a toaster pastry into a toaster.
- At the precise moment when your pastry pops out of the toaster, a bolt of lighting strikes your home, enters the socket, flows out through the toaster and jumps into your pastry.
- The lightning becomes “infused” with the pastry, bonding with the snack’s molecules, causing it to grow ten feet long.
- You, being a fatty fat fatty, don’t give a shit and eat it anyway.
- An hour later, you experience terrible stomach pains and an overwhelming urge to run to the bathroom.
- What comes in must go out and on the way out, the blast is so powerful that it steals your life force.
SO THIS IS A FATAL ILLNESS?
Indeed. If you ever see a lightning infused toaster pastry, run away!
THEN HOW ARE YOU STILL HERE?
Good question, noble reader. In the epic tale, BQB and the Meaning of Life, which sadly, I have yet to finish as I’m a lazy sack of crap, I detail how I died on the toilet whilst passing a lightning bolt I consumed in the form of a toaster pastry.
Luckily, in death, I met William Shakespeare, the greatest writer of all time. He gave me a second chance at life, urging me to search for the meaning of our existence.
I should really get around to finishing that story. I mean, shit, it involves the meaning of life. That’s probably good for a site click or two.
I don’t know. You tell me. If you were to log onto Facebook and see:
- NEWS STORY #1 – Bookshelf Q. Battler discovers the meaning of life!
- NEWS STORY #2 – Kim Kardashian’s Butt Elected as Prime Minister of Lichtenstein, which one would you choose?
I know. I know. Kim’s butt. It’s ok.
IS THIS DANGEROUS TO OTHERS?
Indeed. The Institute for Fake Research has identified the following cases:
- Myra Schlangley of Boise, Idaho, gave into temptation and devoured a lightning infused toaster pastry. She then went to bed and in the middle of the night, not only met her demise whilst passing the trapped lightning bolt, but also zapped her husband Norman with her butt just as the Emperor zapped Luke Skywalker with his lightning hands. The Schlangleys were well respected in their community of potato growers and will be missed.
- Calculus Teacher Barney Snodgrass of French Lick, Indiana, was in his break period, correcting test papers when he succumbed to the wiles of a lightning infused toaster pastry. An hour later, his afternoon class began and was in the middle of lecturing his students on their poor performance. Specifically, he said, “If one of you dummies ever bothers to study, I’ll be so surprised that lightning will shoot out of my butt!” Needless to say, it did, but luckily, all the students were able to steer clear. Sadly, Mr. Snodgrass did not survive the ordeal, but reports are that his students were so impressed that they redoubled their efforts and are now all considered world class mathematicians.
- Dr. Hugo Von Science, esteemed Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University, is currently researching a project to harness the power of butt lightning for commercial electricity purposes. Specifically, a test group of seven chimpanzees with cast iron butt implants have been able to consume lightning infused toaster pastries with reckless abandon. The lightning harnesses from their butts has been enough to power a small city. Not a good one mind you, but one of those tiny burgs with a minor league team that pretends like they’re hot shit and what not. At any rate, unless you have a cast iron butt, this malady will prove fatal.
WHAT SHOULD I DO IF MY LOVED ONE HAS CONSUMED A LIGHTNING INFUSED TOASTER PASTRY?
DO NOT be a hero. Run. Your friend or relative is doomed. Don’t go out in a butt lightning zap.
If you insist on staying, be sure to steer clear of the blast radius. If you can see the butt in question, you’re standing in the wrong spot.
WHAT PROGRESS HAS BEEN MADE TOWARD A CURE?
Scientists are currently working on the following methods:
- Hypnosis to train the mind to stay away from lightning infused toaster pastries.
- A “Post Consumption Pill” to be taken that would absorb the lightning, breaking it down into a series of small sparks that will fly out of the afflicted’s butt, causing minor distress.
- Dr. Hugo believes that his cast iron monkey butts will be applied toward human butts by the year 2050.
CAN THIS HAPPEN WITH ANY OTHER BREAKFAST FOOD AND/OR WEATHER RELATED DISASTER?
Indeed. Lightning can enter a delicious toaster pastry.
However, it can also enter a blueberry muffin, a cheese danish, a glazed, sprinkled, or otherwise decorated donut, a pancake, or anything else you might normally stick in your maw between the hours of 6-11 a.m. (though it can happen at any time of the day. My incident happened at night.)
Further, lightning is not the only type of weather event that can enter a breakfast food.
For example, my girlfriend, Video Game Rack Fighter, aka Victoria Gloria Somersby Stratenhaus, died on the toilet after consuming a hurricane infused jelly donut.
This occurred after a hurricane entered a microwave she was using to warm her donut, because she likes hot jelly, and no I’m trying to make a bad pun.
Other noted cases discovered by the Fake Institute:
- Three years ago, John Hotchkiss of Lexington, KY consumed a tornado infused bowl of Grape Nuts Cereal. Reports indicate he is still spinning around by his butt today.
- Bob Fendersnuff of Austin, TX devoured a wind infused bear claw one fateful morning. His corpse was found in Sri Lanka.
- In one of the worst cases ever seen, Violet Cremmelhorn of Albuquerque, NM, ate a monsoon laden bagel covered with a hail storm infused cream cheese spread. In the wake of this horrifying incident, authorities declared the building this happened in to be so messy that it had to be condemned, as cleaning was an impossibility.
WHY ARE YOU ONLY FOCUSING ON LIGHTNING INFUSED TOASTER PASTRY TOILET DEATH THEN?
We have to start somewhere. Let’s cure this affliction one type of breakfast food infused with one type of weather event at a time.
WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP?
Spread the word. It’s always possible to find another treat, but you can’t find another life.
Be strong. Put down the weather infused breakfast food and run.
Not everyone is lucky enough to be given the second chance that VGRF and I were given.
Thanks for taking a minute to talk about this very special issue near and dear to my heart and butt.
Together, we can cure Lightning Infused Toilet Pastry Toilet Death