A Guide to the Bookshelf Battleverse – Part 1 – BQB, the 3.5 readers and the Magic Bookshelf

For those just tuning in, here’s the rundown on the who’s who and what’s what vis a vis this blog:

Bookshelf Q. Battler

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Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein, better known by his codename, “Bookshelf Q. Battler,” is the illustrious host of a modest book blog that caters to a resounding 3.5 readers.  He estimates that his web stats could grow as high as 4.5 by the end of the year, as he is aggressively lobbying for the support an inhabitant of Racine, Wisconsin, who once said, and this is direct quote, “this blog is OK, I guess.”

It was the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s most notable review to date.

A graduate of the Advanced Science Institute of Science University (under the tutelage of Dr. Hugo Von Science), BQB pursued a career in writing after graduation.  After being dumped by his then girlfriend, the exceptionally awful in every way Bland Life Settler aka “Blandie” over how little money he made from this endeavor, BQB decided to dump writing altogether and pursue a career in business instead, even going so far as to obtain a business degree from the Advanced Business Institute of Business University.

In an ironic twist of fate, the economy tanked and the best employment BQB was able to find was as a lowly assistant to the assistant of the vice president of Beige Corp, the world’s premiere producer of beige products and accessories.  (Our Motto: Dare to blend in!)

One day while drawing his sorrows in a grande stuffed burrito, Taco Bell’s finest offering, the following notion popped into the mind of our favorite nerd:

You’re not old.  You’re not dead.  The technology is available.  If you want to be a writer, then be a writer.

P.S. Yum I love this burrito.

And with that, the Bookshelf Battle Blog was born and the 3.5 readers have been entertained ever since.

THE 3.5 READERS

One of BQB's satisfied readers.

One of BQB’s satisfied 3.5 readers.

Ever the optimistic pessimist, BQB believes fame and fortune await him as a writer one day, but he realizes that day is far, far away, and given his luck, will probably come long after he’s dead, if it’s ever coming at all.

Overnight success stories are rare in the blogging world, and thus BQB, much like a turtle, has adopted a “slow and steady wins the race” approach.

While many aspiring writers call it a day if they don’t have a million readers within 3.5 seconds, BQB is prepared to blog away for a million years for the benefit of only 3.5 readers.

Is our blog host mad?  No  As long as 3.5 people show up to the Bookshelf Battle Blog every day, BQB views it as his duty, NAY HIS PRIVILEGE to entertain them.

You don’t need an audience big enough to fill Carnegie Hall to perform.  All you need is 3.5 fans.

Is 3.5 the actual number?  The number fluctuates from time to time, depending on various weather conditions and technological advancements, but mostly if BQB is making fart jokes.  Despite occasional blips, BQB can always count on his baseline of 3.5 readers who show up everyday come rain, hail, snow, sleet, or days when he has nothing to talk about other than his love of waffles.

THE MAGIC BOOKSHELF

Where the magic happens.

Where the magic happens.

A world renowned poindexter, reviewer of books, movies and assorted cultural happenings as well as a champion yeti fighter, Mr. Battler or “BQB” as the 3.5 call him, is also the owner of a magic bookshelf.  Whenever a book is placed on this shelf, its characters come to life in tiny versions of themselves, only to then wage war against one another over limited shelf space.  Sadly, this leads to BQB spending most of his free time mediating bookshelf related territorial disputes.

Only the top shelf of the BQB’s bookcase is magical.  The rest of the shelves are normal.

From whence doth the magic bookshelf draw its power?  Some say it was forged from wood scavenged from the Ark of the Covenant.  Others say King Arthur commissioned Merlin to create in.  Still others note there’s a damn “Office Supply Depot” sticker on the back of the shelf that warrants further investigation.

No one, not even Bookshelf Q. Battler himself, knows for sure.  As an infant, BQB was abandoned by his parents, who left him and the shelf on the doorstep of his Aunt Gertie and Uncle Hardass.  No note.  No explanation.  Mr. and Mrs. Papageorgio Von Finkelstein simply dumped their little nerd and ran off, never to be heard from again.

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4 thoughts on “A Guide to the Bookshelf Battleverse – Part 1 – BQB, the 3.5 readers and the Magic Bookshelf

  1. Steven Capps says:

    Oh my dear god, this is the best description of a blog that I have ever read. One question, what does the “Q” stand for?

  2. […] Part 1 – Bookshelf Q. Battler, the 3.5 Readers and the Magic Bookshelf – or, the Head Nerd in Charge, the people who waste their time on his schlock, and the mystical piece of office furniture that makes his life interesting. […]

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